Do you have a lock on your bedroom door?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Tips & Advice
Today, Rachel at Single Mom Seeking writes about not having a lock on her bedroom door.
Of course, she wishes that she’d put the darn thing on there ages ago! And she already sensed what Dr. Leah, aka The Sanity Fairy™ might say when she explained her dilemma:
Rachel was foolish to wait.
Fortunately, The Sanity Fairy™ is here to the rescue for some lock-talk!
When we recently wrote about the importance of having a private, kid-free zone, more than one father wrote about being “very thankful for the rules I set down years ago.”
We understand.
But locking your bedroom door is often easier said than done. For many single moms, especially, the idea of “locking” your kids out can be guilt-ridden. (Do any of you feel that way?)
Putting a new lock on your door — whether it’s fixing the doorknob to lock, like Rachel, or adding a simple hook and eye latch — often simply never gets done.
But here’s why Dr. Leah encourages single parents to put locks on their doors:
Putting a lock on your bedroom door is plain, old common sense. It’s the same safety precaution you use when kid-proofing latches on kitchen and bathroom cabinet doors.
Likely, you installed kid proof latches as safety precautions long before your babies could crawl. That’s because you know that no one is able to keep his/her eyes on a child at every moment.
Since you planned ahead for what would inevitably come (pun intended), you didn’t need to “jump” every time your toddler scampered off into the kitchen or bathroom.
The same goes for putting a lock on you bedroom door: the earlier, the better!!
Of course, wandering into your bedroom and finding Mom pleasurably occupied is an emotional — not a physical — hazard. No one wants her kids to get a first-hand view of her and a vibrator. The same goes for kids seeing you naked with someone else. (Of course, if your kids do walk in on you or have in the past, they will not be emotionally scarred for life.)
These experiences are simply not a positive or necessary part of growing up. And all the explaining and drama didn’t have to happen.
So, why was Rachel foolish to wait before putting that lock on the door?
After about the age of six, kids are much more aware of their environment. In fact, we encourage them to ask questions about their surroundings. And, frankly, questions about a new lock are tough to answer. Total candor is not appropriate and could surely be misconstrued.
Kids sense your discomfort, which only heightens their interest. Kids honestly don’t care if you have a lock on your door or not.
They love to question you because it’s fun to see you squirm. Likely, you feel guilty about doing anything that’s not strictly kid focused. Otherwise you would have installed a bit of privacy as soon as your kid could escape the crib.
Very few parents today feel comfortable pulling rank and simply saying, “I want to put a lock on my door and that’s the end of the discussion.”
And, so the procrastination/guilt cycle continues.
Setting up a private space early on is not just a good idea for your kids — but for you, too. We’ve all been there: thinking that you might be interrupted by the sudden appearance of your kid. What a mood killer!
So, tell us: do you have a lock on your bedroom door?
If not, what’s stopping you?
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Heck, yeah, I have a lock and I use it! My son knows that if the door is locked, he has to knock and wait. This worked well if my ex-boyfriend stayed over and overslept (I live in a garage apartment and my son lives in the house with my parents) because I could go to the door and go into the house with my son and my boyfriend could get dressed and get out undetected. Locks are essential!! Kids think they have unlimited 24/7 access to Mommy. Mine is known to bust in (literally!) at 2 a.m.
PT-LawMom’s last blog post..Crazy Beautiful Life
Not only do I have a lock on my door, but it’s the kind that needs a key from the outside. I am in the habit of keeping my bedroom door locked when I am not home so that my space stays mine. (I am often out while the kids are home in the care of a sitter). I have had the lock for quite a few years so the kids don’t question me on it. They also know they need to knock when my door is closed. I have not had overnight guests at this point…I am not confortable with my kids seeing my guy there in the morning just yet.
I don’t like any of these posts, not going to lie. I think maybe it’s a cultural difference about independence, privacy, etc. And maybe I’ll feel different when my little one is 4, 6, 8. At this point, she’s almost two, and we co-sleep. So no, my bedroom is not a child-free space. The guest bedroom also doubles as the playroom (both for her, and for me, ahem.) Yeah, I suppose the toys can be a mood-killer. Oh, fucking, well. I don’t have any other real options, if I’m going to have a sex life, period. No one wants to watch her at night because if she wakes up and I’m not there, she’s a hellian. There are three “bedrooms” in my house: the bedroom, the guest/play room, and my office. A bed wouldn’t fit in my office. So where is the child-free space supposed to be? I’m not kicking my kid out of my bed when we enjoy co-sleeping so much, just so I can have a “child-free space.”
LeAnna: Thanks for posting a comment. As you know, I hope, at singlemommyhood we believe strongly that no one should make the rules in your life but you.
Your little one is still a baby. You’ve made the parenting decision to co-sleep. Likely, your “don’t like” is about not being at the parenting stage when co-sleeping is no longer your choice. Sounds like you have a “private space” in your guest room. No one ever said that the “private space” necessarily included a bed.
My own little girl was the same way…I can totally relate.
Must confess . . .I do think toys are a mood killer. May-be a beginning is making the guest room your playroom and keeping the toys in there to a minimum?
Anyone else have a thought?
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
LeAnna,
I wanted to chime in, too! For the record, I also co-slept with my daughter until she was almost three. And she’s still known to climb into my bed sometimes…. Dr. Leah often reminds me that kids grow up fast. Oh do they!
When she was two, it was so challenging to imagine the day that my kid would put on her own socks, tie her shoes… and now, use a cell phone! But here I am.
I just wanted to acknowledge that appreciating your daughter’s “baby” time — as you are — is so meaningful. Good for you for listening to your gut.
We’d love to hear from the rest of you!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I’ve always had a lock on my door and if there wasn’t one already there when I moved in I got one!
Just like married couples do, it is perfectly OK for single parents to have alone time and a lock ensures it will be just that!
MindyMom’s last blog post..Family Dinner
I think MindyMom may have forgotten that when you are married there is very little alone time. We had more alone time before we decided to merge families. What do you do when you are remarried and your husband invites all three children in every Sunday morning for breakfast in bed, cartoons and to read the paper all together? Before I was remarried I never had a lock on my door. But the rules were firm: knock on the door and ask to come in. Past age 3 I think it is a REALLY bad idea to have guys stay overnight when your child is home. They know the energy in the house is different. They just do.
Even our three girls know when some romance is in the air (ages 8,8.5,10) or we have been up to something. Why are you guys doing the laundry together (in the basement)? They are hyper aware because they are figuring out their own relationships with boys.
hmmhmmm.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Yes and I’m not afraid to use it.
April’s last blog post..Weekend Wrap-Up
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Bonnie: We love to hear from former single moms who are now remarried. Thanks!!
We also understand that this issue — having adult sleepovers when your kids are home — is a very personal one.
That’s why Dr. Leah and I stress that as the parent, you know what’s best for your kids. Thanks!
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
Yes I lock my door! I have 4 kids! Periodically they will just barge in. I need to have boundaries with them…Mommy needs her alone time. Yes!
They seem to be fine with it (but I wouldn’t care if they weren’t). When I was married we were deliberate in NOT MAKING OUR ROOM THE HANG-OUT! Now that I am newly divorced…the practice remains in place
lovebabz’s last blog post..SINGING MY FEELINGS: I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW…JOHNNY NASH
This is interesting. I had not thought of putting a lock on my door, as my 7 yo often comes in to cuddle in the wee hours. I wonder how he would take a lock on the door? I don’t have any other private space in the house…
Very interesting as I wonder if they have such conversations in the cultures that have communal bedrooms and have a family bed for many years? I am all in favor of parent private space, but I also realize that there are cultures that believe in the family bedroom, the family bed, and/or do not have the space to have a private room for adults. I am curious as to your thoughts about those cultural differences and ideals?
I also heard recently that there are advantages to communal sleeping – beyond the age of 5?
I have lock on my bedroom but when my son saw that i close it he keep banging my door and want come in..and i dont have anough time chatting my boyfriend..he’s 3years old..