Different functional? We love it.
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Single Dads, Single Moms, Single Parents
Author Lori Hillard once searched, like us, for a book to share with her young son about the real changes in their family life after his parents’ divorce.
Lori found the usual teddy bears and other fantasy characters skirting around divorce from a child’s perspective — which are not very helpful or authentic since post-divorce changes are “real life,” not fantasy.
Moreover, a stranger then told Lori that her family was “dysfunctional,” a label we despise. (We all can relate – right?) Quick-thinking Lori responded by explaining that her family was “different functional.”
And from that moment of motherly inspiration, this wonderful book took shape: Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family.
This simple true story is told through the eyes of Lori’s five year old son, Joshua. The illustrations are actually photographs of Lori’s family.
These pictures are really what make this book especially authentic and comforting to young children. At the end, Lori provides pages where kids can paste their own picture and other family pictures of their choosing.
You can buy Sending Love here.
We’d love to know:
Have strangers or other kids ever asked your children why your family is “different”?
How did you respond?
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As long as we’re not living in a fantasy world and instead in “real life”, the truth is that many divorced families are dysfunctional! Sure, there are also the ones with parents who can amicably co-parent in the best interests of the kids, (which I think is rare) but then there are the many who have at least one parent who is selfish and destructive/counter-parenting.
In the latter case, no matter how many books you read or therapists the familiy sees, as long as one parent remains a negative force the family will be dysfunctioanl. Maybe there should be books for kids helping them to identify the difference between healthy and non-healthy behaviors.
For the “different-functional” familyies, I’m sure this book is a good read but do you really think it can help the truly dysfunctional?
MindyMom’s last blog post..Me: The Common Denominator
I really don’t think that “most” divorced parents are dysfunctional and therapy inducing. Really. I know far, far more fully functional families where the parents are not together, it’s not rare at all.
I don’t think the book is addressing dysfunctional families (which I think is far more the case in families that are together that shouldn’t be), it’s addressing the situations where people think there is something wrong with the situation, but really it’s just different.
MindyMom: Ah, the constantly negative, energy sapping “other parent”. Such a drain! Your idea for a children’s book discussing the difference between emotionally and non-emotionally healthy behaviors sounds like a wonderful idea. I hope you pursue it. You’re just the person to make it happen.
I never thought of my “family” as dysfunctional. My daughter and I have normal issues but we, as a family, are functional. Just because her dad is dysfunctional doesn’t mean we have to be. I don’t consider him to be part of the family because he really isn’t part of it. He drops in more like an uncle or family “friend” than a dad. He isn’t really a parent.
I agree that maybe a book to help kids identify healthy and non-healthy behaviors would be a good idea.
I don’t think that just because you don’t have both parents living with you makes you dysfunctional. Which is the point she is trying to make, I guess. However, looking at most of my daughter’s friends…most of them do not live in a “traditional” family. I think only one of them lives with both biological parents.
Twitter @ http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/
Lori just sent me a copy of this book and I love it. I don’t think it sugar-coats things…it’s just a little boy describing his family. His dad lives in the mountains and has this kind of house and these pets, his mom lives at the lake and has this kind of house and these pets, he has brothers and sisters, one of his siblings lives with him and the other two with their father, he goes to visit his father every so often and they do these kinds of things together, but even though they don’t live together anymore, they’re still a family. In the back, it has a place to put pictures of your own family and a place for mom and/or dad to write a message to the child which is really sweet.
I want to put some pictures of us and write a message to the boys before I read it to them, but there’s one other thing and I’m kind of embarrassed to say it. I’ve never used the “D” word with my kids. I’ve told them that Mommy and Daddy are not married anymore but “divorce” is just a word I can’t bear to teach them. When I got this book in the mail and read it, I got choked up and weepy when I got to the part where the boy explains that his parents are divorced and that means they’re not married anymore. Is it crazy that I can tell my kids we’re not married without batting an eye but I can’t say “divorced” without my voice cracking?
Mindy – I’m still looking for books that deal with a parent who is completely absent, whether by choice or through death or whatever. I think for kids in the 4-8 age range who are just starting to deal with a separation and feeling alone or different, this is a nice story. When Ex and I first separated, I made a point of pointing out other kids that lived with a single parent so the boys would know they weren’t the only ones. It doesn’t seem to be as much of an issue for them now, but a book like this would have been nice a year ago.
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Great post! I’ll subscribe right now wth my feedreader software!