Is your ex a playmate or a parent?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
Thanks to Kristin from Singlemomatwork for recently highlighting a co-parenting issue that plagues many of us.
Kristin hit on a sensitive topic that we’ve heard many of you bring up here: your ex’s parenting style is very different from yours. You name it, but neither of you see eye-to-eye on:
Kid-appropriate movies (Is your toddler watching R-rated movies?)
Balanced meals (Do your kids eat only French fries and sundaes for dinner?)
Hygiene (Do they ever brush their teeth at your ex’s home, or shower?)
Does this co-parenting challenge sound familiar?
We understand that many of you are attempting to co-parent with the added complications of addiction and mental illness, such as Solo Dad.
Many of you alternate between sullenly accepting your ex — and getting outraged. This emotional roller coaster doesn’t solve anything, and it sets you up for conflict and ugly scenes. Don’t you agree?
Many parenting gurus recommend regularly scheduled, face to face meetings, during which there’s an frank and open discussion of parenting issues. Say what? Don’t we all wish it were that easy?
Let’s be real: if you could negotiate and compromise with your ex, you’d probably still be together.
No one wants to bicker and blame. So, what can you do?
First, identify and accept the role that other parent realistically wants to play. This is not about ideologies or beliefs. It’s about choice.
Here’s what we’re talking about: Often, the “other” parents is only interested — and capable of — being a playmate.
This parent watches a movie of his/her choice, no matter how unsuitable. This parent wants to devour fast food with the kids because it’s the quick and easy choice.
This parent wants the kids to “have fun” on his/her own schedule and terms. This is the same parent who describes his/her kids as “my best friends” — and takes pride in telling others, “My kids are just like me!”
Does any of this sound familiar?
We’d love to hear if you have expectations during parenting time that are rarely met, leaving you frustrated and upset. Are you plagued by the “playmate parent” dilemma?
Does your ex skip important routines like tooth brushing and showers? (And then come home with furry teeth and stinky odor….)
Does “the other parent” watch R-rated movies with your little kids?
Or, does he/she feed them nothing but fast food, so they return home cranky and constipated?
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- When a no show parent break promises We receive a lot of e-mails from you about “no show parents.” Here’s the most recent: “My ex-husband got all...
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I’m so glad I found this site! Yes! Yes! Yes!
It is getting better, but my ex is just a playmate for our daughter. They are co-conspirators in trying to get stuff past me or to break the rules. Actually, she is a lot more mature than he is a lot of the time. Granted, she is 13 now and has her own opinions that she is not shy about expressing.
I am trying to not let it get to me. I try to tell myself that it is only two days every once in a while (he can’t stick to a visitation schedule). If she stays up until 2 in the morning watching movies eating junk food, it isn’t going to kill her. I might want to kill her because she is cranky and sassy when she gets home, but I take a deep breath and get her to bed early.
The bonus is that she is beginning to see the difference in lifestyle choices between me and her dad – he has no job, lives with his sister because he can’t afford a place of his own, no car, etc. and I have a professional job, a house with a mortgage, a new car, etc.
When we went to see Mama Mia!, as we walked out she said “That was a cool movie. It is kind of like me and you.” I replied, “Yes, but we know who your dad is!”. She replied, “Yeah, but sometimes that isn’t always a good thing.” She realizes that her father doesn’t always make the right choices but hasn’t gotten to the point of being able to reject those choices yet or to stand up to him. I think that will be coming soon.
According to her psychologist, because she doesn’t see him very often and really wants his approval, she isn’t able to stand up to him when he does things she knows aren’t right. This makes her angry but she can’t express that anger with him because she is afraid that he won’t come back. So, when she gets home all that pent up anger gets directed at me because I’m “safe”. She knows she can get angry with me and I’ll still be there when it is over. It is tough (many a night I have a margarita after I get her to bed), but I’m holding on to that thought, whether it is true or not, I want it to be true!
Psychologists are people experts. No doubt about it. How wonderful that your daughter (and you) can benefit from that important insight, which I think is true. Knowing what your daughter is feeling but cannot express certainly does not make the situation easy, but, at least, you can understand from where that seemingly irrational anger originates.
We’re very glad you’ve found us, too.
Wait…have you been peeking in my windows?
Just this weekend, I had a problem with my 12 year old son who was mad at me for not allowing him to have a video game that was rated Mature. After all, he pointed out, it is okay with dad!
He comes home reeking like cigarette smoke. I have to immediately have him shower and change clothes. He’s seen dad have overnight female guests more often than I can count.
My son totally struggles with his weight, to the point he won’t go swimming or even take off his hoodie in school. Dad does not support him in making decent food choices.
But worse than all of this, is the sabotage and alienation. Two distinctly different issues, yet intertwined.
As Dad is allowing all these things, he is saying things to the effect of “why won’t SHE allow you to do it? I don’t get it buddy…” I have heard these conversations.
Lastly, about a parent wanting the child to be their “best friend”. Recently, Dad told me that I would not have issues with my son OR with him if I would just let son do what he wants when he wants. Yep, problem would be solved, he said. I did explain that as a parent my job requires me to sometimes say and do things that are not popular. So what?
The difference is that I am not afraid to be the parent. I do believe, as chai girl mentioned (I think) that my son does know the difference. He knows who is there emotionally and who keeps him safe.
I only wish if his father would not be a dad, he would at least not try to be an alienator. It strokes his ego to be thought of as the mega awesome parent, but does such a disservice to son.
won’s last blog post..Dr. Phil Sucks
What a great post, and an important issue. I have two sisters for whom the negotiations with “the other parent” are a sticking point. It is such a challenge to keep communication open, but I would say (from the sidelines) that what is said is rarely straight-forward — there is a lot of posturing & politics involved as they try to balance their children’s needs with the parenting styles of their exes.
It is a strange dance to raise a child when two families are involved. IMO, parents that can do it without putting their kids in the middle should be given an award.
Midwest Mom’s last blog post..Dilly Dally: Tales of a Lady in Waiting
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
This is exactly why I went for sole legal and physical custody of the girls. I hesitated, but someone pointed out to me that it was worth the try. Since he didn’t contest, I got it!
The girls haven’t seen their dad since August, but when they came back, they hadn’t bathed all week, nor was their hair ever brushed. Grrr….Another reason not to ever let them visit him without another responsible adult present.
April’s last blog post..Weekend Wrap-Up
Twitter @ Singlemommyhood
April: I totally forgot to mention hair. When kids come home from an extended stay and their hair has not been brushed or combed … Gross! You’ve got a painful, nasty, time consuming chore.
Dr. Leah’s last blog post..Is your ex a playmate or a parent?
OK the lead-in to this article says, “Here’s how to cope,” and yet the post only asks if people are experiencing this. Where’s the part about how to cope?
I can’t even go into how much I’ve had to take on over the past year because my twins’ mom can’t get it together. Now she has to move and she really wants to be near the beach so I might have to move into my kids’ school district to keep them in their school (I’m 1/2 mile out of the boudary right now).
So much work. We’re 50/50 and we get along but the less I have to see or talk to her the better.
My ex moved 4 states away. It’s a blessing and a curse, but mostly a blessing. I only have to ship my son off every other holiday. Then for a week, he watches videos and plays Wii nonstop, and I’m sure he doesn’t eat very healthy because his dad never did either.
The kicker is that my son has special needs, so I’m the one who has to deal with the crash the following week, getting him back into his normal routines. It was after being at his dad’s for a week that he all of a sudden hated taking baths, saying something about “buggies in the bathtub”. Well, I can tell you we don’t have bugs in OUR bathtub… He also had the entire Cat in the Hat movie memorized, and was perseverating on it… for about 3 months.
Like April, this is why I too went for (and got!) sole physical and legal custody.
Twitter @ Singlemommyhood
SDMktg: We hear you. First we needed to find out if this was as big a concern to our readers as we suspected. Obviously, it is. Many of you share these challenges. The first step to coping is to determine the whether you are attempting to co-parent with someone who is only able to be a playmate, not a conscientious and involved parent. Also, it is important to recognize that this is the “other parent’s” choice and not likely to be altered by your pleading, cajoling, threatening, or arguing.
We’ll be offering specific advice on how to cope with a playmate parent soon.
Dr. Leah’s last blog post..Is your ex a playmate or a parent?
Wow! A friend and I were just talking about this yesterday! My ex-husband is the playmate, but he will listen when I try to pull him in about setting boundaries.
But yeah, it is very common for guys to just let the kids fly by the seat of their pants, while you look like the villian.
Ugh,
Single Mama Diva
Twitter @ http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/
Yep! I’m right there with you. For the past year, Ex didn’t really have anywhere to take the kids during his visits so he would take them to McDonalds or to play with the kids of the people he was living with. Just about every visit, Squirt would come home saying that they watched “scary movies” at Daddy’s house. He’s 4 and Pork Chop is 2. From scenes they described and quoted, I’ve pieced together that several of the movies were rated R. Of course Ex insists that the kids were not watching the movie, they were just playing.
Now that he has his own place, they stay overnight but he never gives them medicine when it’s required, they rarely eat when they’re with him (or they eat just chips because he didn’t have anything else they wanted), they drink coke all the time with him, stay up till midnight, watch “grownup TV”. They come home building guns with their Legos and playing at shooting each other in the head. And of course, he still only gets them when it’s supposedly convenient for him. You would think with him totally calling the shots on when his “parenting time” is going to be, he’d at least be able to parent a little during that time. Apparently not.
Most of it I let roll off my back. They don’t get a bath every night at my house either so it won’t kill them to go one night without one when they’re with him. I wish he’d brush their teeth but even if he did, he probably wouldn’t do it thoroughly so I guess that’s not the end of the world either (as long as it’s just one night). The movies bother me but I’ve had to talk to the boys and try to help them understand that what they see on TV is just pretend. Squirt’s actually pretty good at telling his dad that “this is not a good movie for little boys” but Dad’s answer is usually to send him in another room to play. I wish he’d feed them better, but as long as it’s just one night, it’s not life-threatening. I feed them a good meal before they leave and send psuedo-healthy snacks with them and know that I’ll need to feed them when they get home.
For me, it’s all about trying to pick the battles. If you read my blog you know I usually have a list of complaints a mile long after each visit but telling him that would get me nowhere (and it would let him know what bothers me so he can do more of it!) I’m trying really hard to only push the issues that are major and even that I try to do discreetly. Like with the movies, I’ll call him and ask him what they watched and tell him that Squirt had nightmares and described XYZ. Even if he doesn’t admit to it, he knows that it did affect him and he’s slowly starting to do a little better in that area. If I jumped on him about it, I’m sure he’d just fight back.
I guess I’m lucky that he only visits the boys occasionally and for short periods of time. If I thought he were going to take them for a week, I’d be seriously freaked out. I figure as long as it’s just one night, it’s no different than one night when things get crazy over here and I go into survival mode. (Don’t tell the mommy of the year people, they still think I’m perfect! Oh and I’d never admit to him that I let them skip a bath sometimes or eat junk food for dinner!)
Wondermom’s last blog post..Professional Procrastinator Extraordinaire
Dr. Leah, thanks for the clarification. My ex actually is much more than a playmate and she does try. She has a very hard time putting the kids ahead of herself despite thinking that she does. They love her and she loves them and is giving them everything she’s capable of. Definitely more than a playmate but I still wish she’d do a better job.
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Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
My ex has committed so many parenting offenses over the years. He has no real “parenting style” other than to counter-parent, undermine me and grandstand to make it appear he’s a decent father. He’s not. How do I cope? It’s just something I’ve had to learn to live with because there is no other option.
MindyMom’s last blog post..Sharing your Story or Airing Dirty Laundry?
I’ll never forget (or forgive) the time my ex dropped our daughter off after a week-long visit. He stood in the door as she ran past me to greet the cats and told me “oh yeah, and she has lice.” I was like, “WHAT?!?!? Did you treat her?” He said “No, I figured you could deal with it.” I did make him turn around and go buy the shampoo and kit. I was the one who had to comb through her hair while she cried and begged for mercy. Sighhhh…And I know she got them at his place because his sister’s kids always had lice.
I can answer that my daughter is ‘parented’ well over at her other home. However, those things didn’t happen on a regular basis until his wife moved in with him before they got married. He is not a playmate for her either.
My child is parented because he is married, she gets attention because he is married. Her basic needs are met by him when he has to parent alone (pre-marriage) but that is it.
We get along now, that was never something that we could do before his wife entered either.
I’m not quite sure how to answer this question he is neither a playmate nor does he see to it that she does the needed things like eating healthy, personal grooming, or not watching R rated movies.
That being said she loves her father, he is part of her afterall. She is not in danger when with him alone and she wants him in her life in whatever way he is able to give her. Right now that is acceptable to our daughter so it is acceptable to me (as long as she is safe of course).
Kari’s last blog post..Let the talking begin…. Tweens/Teens and cell phones.
Twitter @ MsV1959
I think we went through this in the beginning. He moved out, and it seems natural at first that you would *entertain* your child…especially if you’re hurting. You miss your kids, and you just want to have fun. I’m sure I accused him of being the *Disneyland Dad* at times.
Now, it’s much more structured at both of our homes. I’ve bent on some of the rules I had, and we have met in the middle.
Don’t get me wrong: It was ugly for a long time…but there is a way. We took the boys to counseling after the breakup, and she worked with us.
It seems to be working now, and I know they love and need their Dad.
Ms. V’s last blog post..Trudging.
I have to thank a good family court judge. My youngest had a weight problem because his mother let them eat junk food. Daughters hair would take a good hour to unmat and get the knots out. My oldest two saw their Mother as their buddy until they came to think a 40 year old buddy was just too old. All three would smell whenever I picked them up. They could watch anything they wanted. She has even given them movies on DVD that were not appropriate for them. Of course the problem really starts when I took them away.
Thankfully situations can be changed. In less then two years she no longer got them twice a month and just gets to see them for about an hour at special times (birthdays, Christmas break, Mother’s Day…although she didn’t make it this Mother’s Day).
The down side is
I guess there’s not a down side now.
M, I think the downside is that your children suffered and they still suffer. Even though it may or may not be that they are better off without their mom in the picture that has to be tough on them. Just as it is children without their dads in the picture.
Kari’s last blog post..Let the talking begin…. Tweens/Teens and cell phones.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Chai_Girl: Wow, that story really sums it all up, re: who carries the responsibility. Thanks for sharing that one.
After I posted my drawn out response about the original question I got a phone call and it is very clear what kind of parent my ex is.
He is married now, they have a child. There have been some arguements I guess and he threatened divorce. He has left, our child is with me, their child is with her and ex is no where to be found… however his time began today and he has not contacted me nor has he returned my calls.
That is the kind of parent he is. Lets be fair here though he likely forgot it was even his weekend with no one to remind him. (you can’t hear it but that is my sarcasm there).
So yes, most times we get along quite well now. I want to tell him off so badly right now. I won’t as it stands kiddo wanted to stay here this weekend anyway so I was just calling him to find that out. As far as he knows I know nothing at all and he thinks it is my weekend and hasn’t even heard my voice mail asking for his weekend. He doesn’t listen to voice mails.
So I have no idea when her dad will re-enter the world but we share custody so it will probably be soon. He wouldn’t want me to know he is having troubles.
I waited 24 hours to post this and I probably shouldn’t have at all but darn it, I needed to get it out.
Kari’s last blog post..Let the talking begin…. Tweens/Teens and cell phones.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Kari: We really do understand. And you have a space here to vent. Please let us know how this unfolds.
Well we talked but he said nothing at all. He just said it was fine if she stayed here until Sunday if she wanted. Then he’ll have her Sunday night and I get her back Monday night. He gets Tuesday night and Wed night then she is with me again until Sunday night.
Our schedule is a little funny but it works out for everyone and dd is happier seeing everyone throughout the week.
SM will tell me if dd shouldn’t be there if things are too rough and I will approach ex about the troubles then if need be. Right now she shouldn’t be there she didn’t think it was wise and I didn’t either.
I did tell him I just spent $80 on softball and equipment that she needed 2 pairs of softball pants. He hymed and hawed but I gave him crap and said she needs two pairs go and get em. Oh and btw you still owe $300 on her braces they are stopping treatment if you don’t pay so please call them and pay your share of what has been billed so far. I’m sure that made him really happy but you know what? I don’t care today, I just don’t.
Kari’s last blog post..Let the talking begin…. Tweens/Teens and cell phones.
Kari: We’re always here to listen.