Are you dating a “separated” guy?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Sex, Single Moms, Tips & Advice
We’ve written before about dating someone who’s not yet divorced. Both of us know the perils of falling for a guy who is still attached to his ex.
Have you ever been on a great date with someone and heard that dreaded phrase? “I’m separated.” We understand this let down.
We also know this can be very confusing. After all, many of you have told us that you’re dating right now — before your divorce has been finalized.
So, how do you make sense of this? As a single parent, you’ve got your own priorities and issues. Hearing that someone is “separated” might mean lots of drama and complications you don’t need.
Here’s some advice to help you decide what’s right for you.
“Separated” does not always mean the same thing.
Married guys on the prowl often say “separated.”
On the other hand, “separated” can also mean that the legal wrangling continue, but the love and attachment are long past. Or the legal wranglings drag on because the passion has never died.
Some men will say “separated” just to try it out as they contemplate whether or not to split.
“Separated” can also describe some “situation” post huge blow-up that’s not going to be fixed with make-up sex, but might resolve with lots of counseling — or time to cool off.
Separated always means in limbo. There is unfinished business — whether it’s emotional, legal, or financial.
So, first thing: find out what “separated” means in your case. Of course, you know what’s best when it comes to making a decision.
What do you really want? Fun with a boy toy? Great sex with no attachment?
Or, are you looking for love and a possible life partner?
So, we’d love to hear from you:
Can a future be forged with a guy who’s separated when you meet?
Or is dating a “separated” guy just a short-cut to heartbreak?
No one should make the “rules” in your life except you.
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Personally, I make it a rule not to date a guy who is “seperated”. There’s something about the finality of divorce – and the time afterward – that seems to be a process we all need to go through before we are ready to be in a committed realtionship.
I once dated a guy who knew about this rule and proceeded to lie to me and tell me he was divorced and then 6 months later finally revealed he was actually only seperated. Granted, that had been the case for almost two years when I met him, but still he had not yet crossed that bridge and signed the dotted line. As it turned out, once he did get the divorce he dumped me a few months later to “work on himself”. So yes, I do think becoming involved with someone who is seprated is a short cut to heartbreak or disappointment.
MindyMom’s last blog post..Weekend Developements
After having dated a couple of men who were separated, I’ve made it a rule NOT to, even though I dated while separated. I DO agree that there is something that shifts when the divorce is final.
I wrote a post about one disastrous first date with a separated man on BabyCenter:
http://blogs.babycenter.com/momformation/2009/05/13/the-wilde-side-its-not-you-its-wait-it-is-you/
Jennifer Wilde’s last blog post..Giveaway: Posh invites/announcements from PosePrints!
Twitter @ http://coparenting101.org/
This is tres tricky terrain! I dated while separated and started dating my now-fiance while he was separated. Obviously, things worked out for us, but this can be a minefield if people aren’t being truthful about the state of their not-yet-legally-finished marriage. As with all aspects of dating, I say take it on a case-by-case basis, eyes wide open.
deesha’s last blog post..Step Dating with Adult Children in the Background (Teleconference)
Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
I’m in a situation right now where both myself and the man I’m with are ’separated’ and not officially divorced. It was one of the first things we talked about – in the interests of being upfront with one another…AND we both asked the other if reconciliation was a possibility.
I’m one of those people who would tell you to “never say never” and that i guess it’s wise to judge a situation based on the individual involved.
MommaSunshine’s last blog post..Depression
Twitter @ singledadlife
No,umm Yes! That is the mind saying no, and the body saying YES!
Logically, stay away from anyone who is JUST separated. Long drawn out divorce, well, should be ok. Bottom line, rules are made to be broken. I know for me, and what I see from buddies going through separation/divorce, you are just not ready. You think you are. You believe you are.But, you’re not.
You crave a body and a relationship for all the wrong reasons, but in reality you are just not mentally ready. A true relationship takes effort and you need to be totally present. Proving you still got it, or telling yourself I don’t need her, etc, will only lead to a disaster for one of the parties involved. It is so hard to be patient sometimes. But, if you think about it, with all the stress of a divorce, and child custody , and everything else involved, is someone really “present” enough to have a deep relationship. I don’t think so.
Having said all that, most will try and find someone anyway. Still nice to feel wanted and needed. But if he/she is separated and not divorced, they should wear the sign like on the back of contruction vehicles “Caution, subject to sudden turns!”
Barry’s last blog post..Single Dads and Role of the Victim
Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
I was separated for almost two years before getting involved in a relationship again. And for me, there isn’t really a great reason for not going through with the divorce yet other than neither one of us have gotten around to doing it.
My ex-wife (which is what I consider her) and I get along, but the marriage was over before we split. In fact, I even told her I was dating somebody again and she seemed genuinely happy for me.
So I guess I’m just saying that you can’t just paint a picture using the same brush for everybody. Each situation is different.
Canadian Bald Guy’s last blog post..She called me…
i am currently separated, working through the divorce proceedings. (she left, never wanted to even try to work it out, she was already working things out with her co-worker who was also contemplating divorce when they started their affair)
It pretty much sucks to date while separated, no one wants to date someone separated for all of the reasons above and more. i think i could get more dates now, if i was unmarried but i had the plague
half the time i go on a date, i realize: i am not ready to date yet (whatever that means) the other half, i feel like, even if i was ready to date, i dont think i want to date this person! Most divorced people even look at separated as a negative, which i completely understand but sometimes you just would like someone to give you a break, when you are spearated there are not too many easy breaks…it almost makes me want to lie about my status, but i dont feel very comfortable with that.
I try to be up front about it, if it comes up…but i think that makes it all more complicated, bc when confronted with it, no one really wants to deal with that much baggage.
The best advice if you are separated, find someone else that is separated
maybbe i should start a internet dating site for only separated status
anyways, sorry for the rambling…this post hits close to home!
thx
Offering hope to those that only see the uncertainty of dating separated men. I was that separated guy three years ago.
I have since been blessed to have met a woman during that time that took a chance on me and my intentions. The reward for me is that the woman I dated during my state mandated year of separation will be my wife in just a few months. If she sees this, thank you for hanging in there Dear!
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
This is a tricky one, but I think it completely depends on the person and the situation.
I started dating when I was separated. In my case, the relationship with my ex was over years before we filed papers. We both dated during the separation and it was fine. I certainly wasn’t ready to settle down with anyone at that point (and I was upfront about that with the people I dated), but I was certainly NOT hung up on my ex either.
My boyfriend (of two years) is separated. He and his ex were living in different countries when they split, she was pregnant with their 2nd child, and then he was unemployed for 9 months. They’ve had other things to deal with. Is this ideal? Certainly not, and had I not known him for several years before we started dating, I’m sure I would’ve stayed far, far away. But I knew him and I knew their situation and I was comfortable with it, and we’ve had an amazing two years.
Now that there’s money to pay the attorney fees and some other issues have been laid to rest, their divorce is in the works. And even though I’m comfortable dating this separated guy, I must admit that I’m reeeeeeally glad there’s a divorce on the horizon!
Martini Mom’s last blog post..Cue the violins
I’m Australian, I wrote about myself on singlemomseeking blog a few months back and got a whole lot of flack for ending up pregnant and having a baby with a man who lives overseas. I was judged harshly. It seems that there is a fair division in single mom world between women who are single moms because they broke up with their partners and single moms who ended up pregnant with men they weren’t in relationships with. I found that very interesting. Might be worth doing a post on that to see how other women feel about that division cause I felt very alienated by the single mom posse…in cyber world anyway. People who know me here are a fair bit kinder.
Anyway I met a ’seperated’ guy just before I got pregnant. In some ways I think he was the catalyst for my indescretion that ended up bringing my beautiful boy to me.
I fell hard for him. He was funny, smart, sophisticated, fit, outdoorsy and was a great cook. He told me he wished he had met me five years ago when we were younger and that he never knew he would ever finally meet ‘the one’ – he seemed to fall hard for me and I allowed myself to start falling hard for him. I love funny men. Funny fit men are a rare breed to me. The rot started to set in and he started avoiding me. We never actually slept together, just dated and kissed and I loved how old fashioned and respectable that was. Finally after a few weeks he told me that he had some ‘issues’, turned out he was ’seperated with a beautiful four year old son’. Then he disappeared completely. He just stopped calling me. And he wouldn’t return my phone calls. A friend told a friend that he knew him very well and he had no idea that he was ’seperated’, as far as he knew he was still with his wife. This hurt me so much. I was shattered as I had foolishly planned a whole future for myself with him in my head.
My old flame from Europe came to visit and I think in a mad moment I just thought ‘everyone else has baggage, I just don’t care anymore’ and I took one risk. The first risk in my entire life and I ended up pregnant. I still wonder why this man did this to me. Made me fall for him while he was still with his wife and then disappeared without every explaining to me why. I think it was so cowardly.
Twitter @ crazycompdad
My general rule is that I will not date someone that is separated. The main reason is that there is too much DRAMA and TURMOIL. If for some reason I do feel so drawn to a person that I feel like I REALLY want to get to know them better, then I may ask them out…but I keep in mind that if anything develops it is just very fleeting.
Crazy Computer Dad’s last blog post..Speaker for the Dead…
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
Rita, I just wanted to chime in and say that I’m very sorry you felt judged harshly on my blog. I’m going to go back and see what folks wrote (feel free to write to me!).
I think your post idea about the “types” of single moms — married, not married, by choice, etc. — is a really good one. Thank you!
Eeeeek! I meant to write ‘ms single mama’ not ’single mom seeking’. A lot of people wrote very judgemental comments on her site not yours. She tried to defend me but I was surprised just how judgemental everyone got. No I didn’t have anything up on your site but you did write me a lovely response to an email I sent you when i was pregnant. Sorry. A vague moment…
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
Rita: Oh, I’m glad you clarified! I was thinking, “I don’t remember folks being judgmental on my blog towards you…” Thanks! No worries.
I will stay away from separated men. I was in a relationship with a separated man who told me he was over his ex, but he wasn’t…he totally broke my heart =(
I just started dating a great guy who is at the very last stage of his easy, agreeable divorce. That is the least of my worries.
The biggest concern I have now is being the FIRST after his wife. He’s fantastic, but I know for a fact the first one after the relationship doesn’t have much of a chance.
I need advice! I am thinking I am going to “friend zone” him for now and let him date a few other women. He likes me, he’s attracted to me and no matter what I know we will remain friends. I realize this could backfire on me….but I am betting it won’t. Advice or similar stories please!
I’m been with this guy for 7 years. He is separated and his ex wife lives in Fl. He live in S.C.. They been separated for 8 years now and he dosen’t try to get a devoice. Now we got 2 kids together. They are 2 and 1 about to be 3 and 2 years old next month. Should I leave him or will that makes things worst. He keep telling me he here for me and not with her. I’m ready to get married to him when he not. I just don’t know what to do please help
I am currently dating someone who is separated. I am also seperated. So I can’t really say I don’t want to date someone in the same situation that I find myself in. However for me, I know I am not going back. Which for him I think it is a possibility. I guess the idea situation is to know the true ins and outs of their relationship. For some people they are really just waiting for the chance to sign their name on the dotted line. Some want an ace in hole, just in case things don’t work in their marraige. Others find it a safe guard from having to marry the next person. Such an easy way to put someone off, I can’t marry you, I’m already married. I think each person needs to assess what they are looking for. Me I’m just having a fun time dating. So I can’t say that it really bothers me. I wouldn’t reccommend dating someone who is separated, if your looking for marriage. Always look at the person to see where they are at..cause you can alway become involved with man who was never married, but was commited to a woman for several years, it is essentially the same thing.
Wow! I have some stories relating to this issue of dating separated men. I have two stories, so here goes. I had recently separated from my husband when I met a guy on the internet. He lived overseas. Anyhow, he said he was separated and spent a total of six months with me here – during which time he proposed and we decided we wanted to have a child together. I fell pregnant and now have a beautiful daughter who is almost six months old. Anyhow, he had to return to his country due to visa reasons and said he had to live under the same roof as his “ex wife” for reasons beyond his control – but that he would soon be back with me and go through the visa process to stay permanently in my country. Anyhow, turned out he was NOT separated at all and still very much with his wife. I got the confirmation and promptly dumped him…five months after he left to return to his country – promising he’d be back in about eight weeks in time for the birth of our daughter. I had our baby alone with little support (I have no family), but we are doing fine. Anyhow, have been casually dating and about a month or so ago, met a guy who was newly separated. I told him NO WAY! Then I told him what I had been through with my baby’s father, and he said that he would win my trust and that he just wanted to take care of myself and my daughter. He bonded so well with my daughter and was staying with me every night pretty much. We even looked at moving in together, but then there was a setback with that property and it did not eventuate. Anyhow, little things triggered me getting anxious over possible abandonment, and it ended with me getting text messages saying, “I’m sorry, but I need time to think. I swear I am not with my wife.” I’m upset because I fell hard for this guy who claimis to have fell hard for me. He started telling me he loved me early on and he wooed me when I was so hesitant. The result: I’m going back to therapy to get over the first relationship I had with a “separated” man. My advice to you all: DO NOT DO IT! And for the record, I am a divorced woman who is amicable with her ex husband.
Well i am in a separated not divorced situation. A guy who I have know for 5 years and we have had an attraction for each other but had never played on it because we were both in relationships. He has showed in my life for about 7 weeks now , we have done dinner a few outings and quickly got intimate. The problem is his wife moved out, bought her own house but still wants them to work at the relationship date etc. he is hurt and does not want to do any of the above however he is not sure about his future.
With all that in mind I told him I still want to be in his life but not in a intimate relationship. I am so thorn about it because I could really allow myself to have strong feelings for this man, but I think he needs the time to put his personal life in order.
I am just letting things play as they should,I am not going anyplace and he knows were to find me if he ever crosses the separated to divorce line.
I met a guy on a single site and he did say seperated. I had a huge problem with that. We did go to dinner but I couldn’t be myself. In the back of my head I heard ” He’s Still Married” do you want to be the rebound girl? So I broke it off and told him when he’s divorced and healed give me a call. Oh! I added date a few bar room Betty’s first. So you ladies keep on dating the seperated guy so after he has sown his oats I’ll be ready.
EVEN if there is no love left in the marriage, EVEN IF he says it is over between them, I would not date and continue to have a relationship with a man who was just separated and was not already in the legal process…
I did. I broke my cardinal rule of not dating a married man. He promised to ask for the divorce. How expensive is it to begin the process – to make a good faith effort if he wanted a relationship with another woman??
He was not ready, in whatever way, and I am in the midst of massive heartbreak…
Never again. It is limbo. Nothing is final. It is the reason I did not date until my divorce was FINAL. It is just not fair….
Amy
Well, I actually have a guy right now who is “seperated” and trying to date me. He says he is living with a friend right now. I don’t know this for sure. I have trust issues as it is because my ex husband cheated on me. While I( was seperated, I wouldn’t date. I didnt even try to until my divorce was final. Now, my divorce is final, and I am still not trying. I have yet to be out on a date actually. I think I am a bit scared. I met a guy right after my divorce, great guy. Then I was talking to him and he said he was “seperated” well. I googled his name….found out his wive was pregnant, do in like 3 weeks. as far as she knew, they were happily married expecting baby #4! Turned out he was just looking for “the Other Woman” to have fun. This guy now…he seems more legit, but I still will not involve myself until proceedings are done. I dont want the drama, nor the “other woman” status. I want something real. I don’t want to play games. I want a loving life for my girls and I. We didnt have that with my ex. We deserve it. And I wont have my hopes up for a guy who is still “attached”
i am 28 yrs old, i am single and dating this 43 year old separated man for almost 4 years now.. their two kids (20 yrs old and 13 yrs old) are with him since his ex-wife works overseas. they got separated but not legally 8 years ago because ex-wife cheated on him. ex-wife has two kids from other man, 4 yrs old and a newly born child. last night we had a serious talk. he told me that his ex-wife wants him back. ex-wife and bf got separated so the ex-wife wants to go back to him. and she will be returning to our country next month. he told me that he is no longer interested to give it a second chance with ex-wife but i could feel that he still loves her. everytime i ask a question about their situation he will shout and curse at me as if i committed a sin. he said he loves me and i should trust him. but on my side, i am just asking coz i wanna know where i should stand. anyway, this afternoon i asked him again if what’s the real score between him and the ex-wife.. he suddenly asked me to leave him alone. and told me that we should end our relationship and asked me to get out from his house. so i did.. but deep inside im so badly hurt.. i gave up everything for him. i quit my job for him. i moved in to his house and acted like a 2nd mom to his kids.. the kids are lovely though. and now i dont know if i should text or call him to ask for an apology.. i love him so much but im not sure if i should continue to love him.. im so afraid to be left alone next month when ex-wife arrives… any advise please…..
I just started dating a man who is separated with 4 kids (ages 6 through 16). He is a fantastic man and the most committed father.
The first night we talked, we both put everything on the table. He preferred to date a woman that already has kids. I’m 36 and divorced with no children. I had never dated a man with kids before.
Until (or if) our relationship progresses to the point that I meet his children and am able to participate in their lives, I will feel like I’m on the outside–because I am.
We completely agree that I won’t meet his kids until we are sure this is something strong, but his kids know about me (one of his daughters saw a text from me on his phone).
His wife (technically she is, but he doesn’t think of her that way) is not happy that he’s dating, but he slept on the couch for a year and has had his own place for 6 months now. I’ve asked several times if there’s any chance they’d work things out, and he’s adamant that it’s over (and hasn’t remotely acted otherwise).
Part of me is breaking all my rules with this man–he’s separated, he has 4 kids, he has at most two evenings during the week to spend any time with me–but when we’re together, everything just clicks so perfectly.
It’s very, very hard not to feel sad when the only time I get to spend with him is when he literally has nothing more important to do. He’s commented a few times that I sound sad on the phone and that he doesn’t want me to be sad because he’s supposed to make me happy.
I’ve had a very lonely marriage and then was a golf widow/girlfriend to another man for two years. Is there a helpful book out there I can read that will help me better understand dating a 1) man that isn’t yet divorced and 2) a man with several children?
I want to be as supportive as possible to him–he has no idea what crap is coming with a divorce (mine was very painful and expensive). And I don’t want to be hated by his kids. One of them apparently already told him they didn’t want another mommy! I would never try to be their mother because they already have a mom, but I’d hope they’d respect me and accept me.
I love children of all ages and it just didn’t work out for me to have any of my own (which really is heartbreaking for me, but it is what it is).
Finally, he says his wife is very vindictive and may be hateful toward me. She already threatened some of his time with his kids after she found out he was dating. The funny thing is, one of her friends is a friend of mine (we’ve never met). She’d actually probably like me if she met me under different circumstances. And there’s no way she’d ever think I’d be a bad influence to her children or a threat to her position if she knew me.
I’m sure someone is reading this and wondering if he’s worth it. I believe he is. I just need more resources because I’ve never been in this situation before. Maybe when I actually get to meet them and go to their games and things I won’t feel so sad and alone, but until then, I want to be as supportive as I can for him.
Advice?
DO NOT DATE ANYONE WHO IS SEPERATED OR HAS LEFT HIS WIFE FOR YOU.
I was reunited with someone I dated when I was first seperated 16 years ago. He was in the same boat. We were so in love. We wrote poems to each other all the time. He was the Captain and I signed my poems THE DOVE. We were the same person in different bodies. What a love. He then had a SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE and his priest told him to go home and make it work with his low self esteem wife who knew about the whole thing and how in love he was with me……..he went back…he had a 4 year old and 6 year old…16 years later we met again at a restaurant…..he stole me away from my friends and told me he still loved me deeply and there was not a day that he did not think about me. His kids were older now. He finally left his wife and started legal proceedings……..well, four months into our relationship he was diagnosed with sarcoma cancer…..I took him through his first chemo treatment…..I was his nurse basically and he hated seeing me this way…..his tumor was in his arm and spreading all over……he left me saying that he did not want me to go through this but guess where he is now…..back with his wife and kids………doesn’t return my calls……I found out through others…..I still have all his clothes at my house, I have a six year old who is devestated and he has not even faced me…..all he says on the phone was that IT WAS NOT REAL THAT THE DEVIL MADE ALL THIS UP IN HIS HEAD…….whatever……it helped write my last chapters of this books I was writing THE CAPTAIN AND THE DOVE – The Journey Home. I started writing it way before he came to me including the title….so please, save yourselves the hell and the heartache….DO NOT DATE ANYONE WHO LEAVES HIS WIFE FOR YOU OR IS NEWLY SEPERATED NO MATTER HOW IN LOVE WITH YOU HE SEEMS TO BE…..circumstances change people or they can THINK different and that will change the course and you will be left brokenhearted. Good luck.
HELLO IM A 23 YEAR OLD FEMALE WHO IS DATING A 45 YEAR OLD SEPARATED MALE FOR 5 YEARS NOW. HE AND HIS WIFE HAS BEEN SEPARATED FOR 10 OR 15 YEARS AND I GUESS THEY HAVENT GOTTEN A DIVORCE BECAUSE OF THE MONEY ISSUE OR WHATEVER. THEY HAVE 3 CHILDREN TOGETHER THEY ARE ALL GROWN 2 BOYS AND 1 GIRL AND THE GIRL IS IN COLLEGE AND HE IS PAYING CHILD SUPPORT FOR THE GIRL I GUESS UNTIL SHE 21. HE HE IS RETIRED FROM THE MILITARY AND HE TREATS ME GOOD WE HAVE LIVING TOGETHER FOR 3 YEARS. HE HAS NEVER HIT ME OR CALLED ME OUT OF MY NAME HE IS REALLY SWEET. BUT HIM BEING MARRIED HAS REALLY JUST LEFT ME FEELING LIKE IM WORTHLESS AND THIS IS IT FOR ME I FEEL LIKE I CANT GET A MAN WHO IS AS GOOD TO ME. AND WE HAVE HAD DRAMA WITH HIS WIFE CALLING HIS PHONE ANY TIME FROM 6 IN THE MORNING OR WHENEVER SHE FEELS LIKE IT SHE TALKS ABOUT ME REAL BAD SHE HAS EVEN CAME TO THE HOUSE AND SAID SHE WASNT GOING ANYWHERE HER SON LET HER IN AND SHE CAME RIGHT UPSTAIRS TO OUR ROOM AND WOULDNT LEAVE IT WAS CRAZY. I JUST FEELO LIKE THIS IS IT FOR ME IT HAS GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE I JUST DONT REALLY LIKE HIM ANY MORE I FEEL LIKE HE SHOULDVE GOTTEN A DIVORCE A LONG TIME AGO. I HAVE NEVER DATED A SEPARATED MAN AND WONT THINK OF DATING A MARRIED MAN AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS MARRIED WHEN WE FIRST GOT TOGETHER. I DONT HAVE ANYWHERE ELSE TO GO SO ITS THE ONLY REASON IM STILL HERE IM AN UNEMPLOYED CNA AND I CANT GET A JOB BECAUSE OF THE WORK ECONOMY IM JUST ALL MESSED UP. AND I CRY ALL THE TIME I WONDER HOW DID I GET MYSELF IN THIS SITUATION. BECAUSE IM STUCK AND TRAPPED AND I JUST WANT TO BE FREE FROM ALL OF THIS. I AM DEPRESSED AND I NEVER FELT SO LONELY IN MY LIFE. I DONT HAVE KIDS AND I DONT WANT ANY AT THIS POINT I DONT EVEN WANT TO BE WITH ANOTHER MAN I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH WOMEN TO KEEP ME SANE AND ITS JUST THE WORST THING AS A YOUNG FEMALE THAT U COULD EVER GO THROUGH. AND I PRAY TO GOD THAT GET SOME KIND OF HELP CAUSE I REALLY HATE THIS. I FEEL LIKE NO ONE CAN HEAR ME AND EVERYONE NO ONE WANTS ME AND I HATE IT
I am having a child to a separated man. The reason I am okay with it is because I spoke with his ex (his legal wife-they have been separated for a long time and are working on a divorce) and she told me that they are indeed over. We are trying to get a place for our son or daughter to be raised in and cannot wait to get our life started. I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND AND I LOVE OUR CHILD! <3
Twitter @ lonely
Why do we fall for man we can have? Their hearts are with their wife but that makes us want and crave them even more. She doesn’t want him but I want him. He isn’t your typical man–he is a challenge and an asshole, but he will give you the shirt off his back? But not his heart. Why?
@Trena Thanks for joining our conversation. A painful situation if you’re the woman who has fallen for a separated guy.
No…Heart breaks…Run and save the tears for a joyful moment….
I only say this because; I like many others have been in this situation. I had met the “love of my life” in my office building, who informed me that he was married. Later we became friends as he drank away his woes telling me how he was separating, has 2 kids and is moving her out.
5 yrs down the line, I struggled with him, his mood swings, his coming and going. 6mnths gone, he comes back, he leaves, he’s right back at my door. then we try to make things work, since all the talk of him and his ex were basically, NO WAY I love you! I want to marry you! I want to have kids with you!…it came as far as us moving into an apartment…under his name, only to be kicked out by him, his drinking became more intolerant, he carried his cell phone to the shower, if we went to bed it was on silent, it was face down…he always made excuses to why his phone was off or why he didn’t go home. Finally, he broke up with me and I didn’t even know why…months passed and I met a good guy, but yet I misses this son of a b*tch. . . the heart is late with responding to my brain…So he comes back with all these words of love, a future, kids you name it…I said not until you divorce her. So he then lies some more and tells me he gave her the papers but wont sign them and that the process was going to take more time…So I stood with my current boyfriend and like an idiot cheat, and wala I get pregnant.
Not something I was expecting since the doctors told me it would be very hard for me to conceive…now I’m in trouble bc guess what… I don’t know who the father is! so here I was, pregnant at 31, new boyfriend wants to finish his MA and wants to move in with his best mate and my ex wants me to move in with him yet hasn’t divorced his wife…I do the unspeakable…I term. the pregnancy…I actually told him right before I made my mind up, since its been so many years I thought we can “talk” about the situation. But of course this man is like night and day with me…so to wrap this up, he tells some one who then tells some one and it gets back to me, he denies saying any thing then just says he’s back with his wife…so I call her…and I send her pictures with some major details…only to find out (and yes love is blind) that he’s been going back and forth for over 5yrs. now, man was very believable, handsome, conniving and manipulating…I was fooled, deeply in love, stepped on and deceived. My heart aches, I cant sleep and although I started to date some one, I fear I am scared for life. Think deeply with in your self, you may have the feelings that it is love, lust, wanting what ever it is…but check your self! if you put your foot down first and walk away there wont be any heart ache at the end and you will have some one that’s all yours, your own kids, your own husband to complain about and watch over. . .
sadly pathetic…nYc
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The first man I was interested in when I left my ex was separated. I was okay with it, but that was because they had been split up for almost a year, and the end of their marriage was based on the wife cheating. So I didn’t feel uneasy about the situation. He also had custody of his daughter.
Unfortunately it turned into a friends with benefit type of relationship. I loved the process of getting to know who he was, but it was a struggle. And I was the only one developing any feelings. After several months I ended it, because I was eventually going to get hurt over it.
A newly separated man, I would be leary about. Someone who had been separated for quite some time, like this guy, I would be okay with. Especially when they made it clear that their divorce was going to happen ASAP.
Jenni´s last blog ..Stop! [In the Name of Love]