Comments on: Grown up sleepovers when kids are home?

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 14:21:25 +0000

@Canuck Thanks for joining the conversation. The “grown-up sleepover” question is vexing for many of us.

By: Canuck

Canuck — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 09:37:43 +0000

Cindy — I’m curious as to why you felt ashamed when your mother had a man sleepover. Can you elaborate? And I don’t mean to sound confrontational –
I have children that I am with half-time and I am frankly on the fence on whether or not adult sleepovers are harmful or not to the children.

My parents never separated so I have no reference. My concerns are not so much moral as they are psychological.

Any light you or anyone else can shed on this appreciated!

thanks

By: Cindy

Cindy — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 19:06:12 +0000

No sleepovers. I can only speak from personal experience…I have never forgotten all the times my mother had a man sleepover. It made me uncomfortable, and ashamed of her. In my opinion, regardless of whether you are serious about your relationship or not, you are disrespecting your children, you are disrespecting your home, and you are disrespecting yourself when you bring someone to sleepover because it is VERY OBVIIOUS to your children that he is not there to sleep. And what kind of a man does that anyway?? All he wants is to get off, a piece of a**, but he’s not thinking about your kids and the influence this will have on them, so it’s up to you to think about them first.

By: cutiepie

cutiepie — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 22:21:02 +0000

i really think my mother wants more attention from me but with this attitude she drives me crazy because she comes on the weekends too. Should I feel ashamed… am I really doing something wrong? I don’t think so….
I pay all my bills it’s my house, I provide for my kids, I think I also deserve to have a special person in my life. It makes me mad that my mother does this because, I feel that if she doesn’t like the person I am with she will do all she can to make me feel bad.

By: cutiepie

cutiepie — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 22:16:26 +0000

I would like some feed back because, I am not against my boyfriend sleeping over. We have been dating for over a year. the problem is I own my home and my boyfriend comes on the weekends to spend them with me. he lives more than an hour away from me. MY mother criticizes and say to other people that I am setting a bad example for my daughters. I got divorced about 3 yrs ago and this is the only other person i have been in a relationship with. My mother makes me feel ashamed and like i am a bad mother, she will also tell my kids how she feels about this and i feel that if my kids didn’t see it in a bad way, she influences so that they do.

By: Rachel Sarah

Rachel Sarah — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 22:42:56 +0000

Welcome to Singlemommyhood @Heather!

Thank you for your genuine, honest comment. I think it’s time for us to give this topic another post. We just might use your comment to inspire us. Stay tuned. Thanks!

By: Heather

Heather — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 22:37:00 +0000

I have been looking at many different posts on this topic. And I am all that more unsure! I have a 15 yo and twin 13 yo, all girls. I have been divorced for almost a year, from a man who was not their father. However, he was in their lives for almost ten years. When that relationship started, it was simple, they had no concept of what “staying the night” entailed. Of course, this is not the case anymore. I have dated many men since my divorce, but have just recently met someone that I am truly connected with. We have been dating almost 3 months, and I just recently introduced them all to one another. Of course, the whole “sleeping over while the kids are home” situation is on our mind, and neither of us know how to proceed.

While I find it interesting how many people have the, “raise your kids, then live your life” attitude… I just can’t imagine. I am living my life WHILE raising my kids, and hopefully by living my life they are learning from that. I want them to strive to be healthy, loving, interesting women. I dont want them to think that once you become a mother, the world is over. While this is a delicate balancing act, I feel that it sets them up for a better life and better relationships.

So… I am still at a loss. I do think that we plan on spending more “family” time, all together, prior to even entertaining the sleep over situation, but, I am unsure how long that should be. I guess I am hoping that the lightbulb goes off and it becomes obvious that this will be “ok” for everyone…

Good luck to all!!!

By: Scaredofcommitting

Scaredofcommitting — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 07:39:26 +0000

I was recently divorced over the last 2 years and have dated tremendously, ensuring that my 9 year old daughter has not met any of my dates (considering that these relationships were not serious)

For the last 3 months I have been spending time with the most wonderful man I have ever known and have allowed him to meet my daughter.

Gradually I have gotten her used to the idea that mommy is serious about this special man and that it will not ever take away anything that I feel for her. She seems to have a vast understanding for what is happening.

I am however grappling with the idea of having him sleepover or us sleeping over at his house with his kids there. I don’t want to feel like I am setting a bad example for my girl but I take into consideration all the things that she has seen when I was married to her father. I want her to witness how loving and caring this man is to her mother so she will no longer have that innate fear that anyone will physically hurt me again.

I am not engaged and we are taking things very slow since this is the first serious relationship since divorce for both of us. If anyone has any ideas on how to anticipate and negate the effects of this situation… please let me know.

By: Rachel Sarah

Rachel Sarah — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 19:29:22 +0000

@Retro_Sassy: Good for you for keeping your parenting/dating lives separate for now. You know what’s best, and if all goes well with this new guy, he’ll meet your kids when it’s right.

By: Retro_Sassy

Retro_Sassy — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 02:12:48 +0000

I’m just now facing this issue really. Since I’ve been divorced I have had one serious relationship. It was over a summer and my children’s father was still active at the time, so we had alot of kid free time to explore our physical and non physical relationship. I made the decission to not involve my kids whatsoever until we had been serious for 3 months. They met.. hit it off.. and poof.. he dissapeared right as my kids got attached. Now I’m with a new great man, the kid’s dad isn’t very involved anymore, and being the school year, I’m in mommy mode about 28-29 days for every 30. I really want to be with the man I’m with after hours, but I don’t want to risk my kids getting broken hearts again. Its hard enough nursing my own. I feel like I’m being unfair to the man by asking him to “sneak” in when they are asleep, but I don’t know how to have a normal dating life unless its only once a month. Just as kids don’t come with manuals, neither days dating/parenting. My kids are 4 & 6.