Are you just the transition relationship?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Dating, Tips & Advice
“He’s fantastic,” she went on, “but I know for a fact the first one after the relationship doesn’t have much of a chance. Right?”
Interestingly, when we recently asked you about dating someone who’s recently separated, your comments surprised us. Rather than following a hard-and-fast rule to avoid anyone who is “recently separated” on the dating scene, many of you said that it really depends on the person.
Here’s what this mom added:
This man is the doting father of two kids. He has a great job, he’s well-educated. Oh, and he also seems so kind, giving, and open.
They also have many friends in common. So, she wonders if she should just try to keep him in the “friend zone” for a while. She wonders if maybe she should let him date other women first and “sleep with someone else before me?”
But why?
He’s in the middle of a divorce — “an easy, agreeable divorce” — and his father died recently. Talk about vulnerable!
“But that is the least of my worries,” she adds. “My biggest concern is that I’ll be the FIRST after his wife. I need advice!”
“Am I being smart or ridiculous?” she asks. “Should I just go ahead and continue dating him — and risk being the rebound woman. Or, should I let him date others for a few months?
Clearly, she’s worried about being “the transition relationship” — and getting hurt.
Have any of you been in this situation? Do you have any advice?
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It’s not likely that the first relationship that follows a divorce is going to be the lasting one. But that doesn’t mean it won’t. There is no reason not to give it a shot. There are no formulas when it comes to relationships.
For instance, long distance relationships rarely survive. When I moved to Northern California, everyone said the relationship between my loverman and me would never survive. It worked very well for a year. But then I moved across the country. Then people really said it wouldn’t work. “Long distance relationships never work.” But ours did. After seven months, he moved here and we’ve lived happily together in Virginia for over a year. Will it last forever? One never knows.
Every situation brings its own specific challenges. You can have no control over whether the other person is up to overcoming, but you can be sure that you are. And if they come through the trials with you, then you know you have something special because if it’s not this crisis (or life change), it’s always going to be something.
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
Like mentioned in the post: it depends.
For me, after my divorce, I was traumatized, devastated and depressed. I would have not been in any shape or form capable of having a healthy relationship.
For my friend, who is currently going through a divorce–an amicable one that is–she and her ex get along better, co-parent better and trust each other better as well—is able to have a lovely relationship with a man (the first one out of the marriage). They are in love and very happy.
I think it’s a case by case issue—and yes, I agree, hard and fast rules can be detrimental sometimes.
Does any of us have any guarantees that we won’t get hurt in one relationship or another? If he is such a great guy, live in the moment and just have fun! You could be dead tomorrow…would you really want to deprive yourself *today* of enjoying time with a great guy? Take things one day at a time…let your relationship be as casual — or as intense — as you both want it to be. Yes, it might be better to take things slowly since he’s going through the divorce, but you have every reason to enjoy yourselves and have fun! There are enough things to worry about in life…let go of the things you can’t control (getting hurt, for example) and live, love and laugh!
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I had a transitional relationship and I’ve been the transitional realtionship. The likelihood of the first relationship post divorce being a lasting one is slim.
However, I do agree that there’s always the exception and life is short. If she enjoys his company and wants to be with him then go for it. Sure, it may not last, or maybe it will and even if she gets hurt she will still gain something from the relationship. We all do – especially the ones where we end up getting hurt.
Twitter @ spingleparenttvl
Nonsense. If you like the guy date him. If you like him enough sleep with him.
I have been a single dad (happily) for 9 years and I can tell you that in my cases the first 4 relationships after my divorce really didn;t work.
Life’s short. Live it!
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@John F: Great to hear a man’s take, and thanks for keeping it real!
@Kim: We love the question you ask, so true: “Does any of us have any guarantees that we won’t get hurt in one relationship or another?”
@Cathouse Teri: We love hearing personal anecdotes, and we’re certainly cheering you on!!
Have him date me for a while – THEN he’ll be bound to marry you! The very next girl all of my exes get with is the one they end up marrying!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemomsaves.com
well, it’s working for my ex-husband….i’m not *positive* that his live-in girlfriend was his “first” since we split up, but i think she was, and they’ve been together for almost 2 years now!
she was around for most of our divorce process, which obviously didn’t scare her off. my ex was completely done with me, so that fact probably reassured her that his marriage wouldn’t get in the way of their relationship. how long will it last and will they ever get married? that’s another story…
my advice would be to assess his feelings for his ex and their relationship. if things seem completely done there, then you should be able to treat it like any other relationship…like someone said before, there’s never a guarantee that any relationship is going to work out! good luck!
If there were an Olympic competition for rebound girlfriend I would win Gold multiple years in a row.
I have also been prebound. That couple that breaks up then he realizes he does love her only after being with me.
Honestly, I have no advice but walk (or sleep) with your eyes wide open.
Oh, stop with all the rules! Most relationships don’t work out in the end, so don’t over analyze it. What if you wait and this guy marries another ‘first’ woman? Better to have a failed relationship than regret having done nothing.
While personal anecdotes are interesting, they will never apply to you. Every relationship is unique.
oh I forgot, a man once told me
“If you’re not the first, then you’re a rebound.”
Phil: We agree that every relationship is unique. Sometimes that can be overlooked. Thanks for the reminder.
Twitter @ spingleparenttvl
I think it is funny…the women are all over analyzing this and the two men who chime in cut to the chase!
I agree with all of you. cause life is more complicated than most of us wish. So both things can happen. Its is abvious to all that rebound is natural and happens to everyone and you do not want to be the person at the other end. It is very highly possible that it could happen. But the universe also works in mysterious ways and there is always the expception to the rule. My advice is ” the past is already gone and the future is not here so dont worry about either just live” follow your gut not your heart. It is always right.
I am looking at the 2nd anniversary of my ‘transition’ relationship. Meeting my current partner was actually the catalyst that finally inspired me to leave my ex-husband after years of drudgery. Many many people told me it would never work and our relationship is certainly not as simple as it could have been were I not divorced and not a single mom, but we love each and are each willing to work hard. You never know where/when you will find love and following a list of ‘rules’ only gives us a false sense of protecting ourselves.
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
-Lord Tennyson
The relationship I was in previous to my current was a transitional relationship and I think I can say I learned a thing or two about that rule and how it applies to your situation. I was the first woman he had dated after his divorce a few months prior. At the start, I was head over heels and I communicated to him my worries about such strong feelings and potentially getting hurt. He reassured me that he felt the same way and told me that we should just go for it…. But a couple of months passed and it felt like the relationship was only regressing, he became more and more emotionally closed off to me. He expressed to me that his divorce had been difficult, he was emotionally unprepared for it, and I sensed he was not over it, by any means. Of course I wanted to be the special woman who helped him get over her, but who are we kidding?
That being said, I think that your main tell tale sign here is that he says his divorce is easy and agreeable. Maybe it hasn’t been hard on him emotionally?? (Though I find it hard to believe any divorce cannot hurt atleast a little.) So I suggest you just take things slowly, don’t invest yourself too much emotionally until he has, and make darn sure he’s ready for a relationship.
nicole: Thanks for joining our conversation. And sharing your own life experiences. Very helpful and much appreciated!