I have been in a relationship for a few years, and my daughter loves my boyfriend. But yes, I feel guilty EVERY time I go out. This sometimes prevents me from going to networking events, or out on a date. I especially agree with the first responder who stated that when she goes out on multiple nights, its especially hard.

I have combated this a bit by letting my daughter (who is 4) go to sleepovers at a friend’s house when I am out. It does make me feel better to know she is having fun.

Many times, I find myself waiting until she is asleep to go out.

Thanks for the post- and making me feel “normal.”

First and foremost, I LOVE your website! Now to answer your questions.

1. Single, married, doesn’t matter–there has to be YOU time or date nights. One of the goals of good parenting is “to raising healthy, wealthy and wise children that grow up and LEAVE the nest!” To keep your household from becoming “kid-centric” and getting them to become independent and LEAVE means, parents (single or not), you must have “date-nights.” To develop your marriage or relationship, you need time alone that is not centered around your kids. You are also modeling that your adult relationships are a priority. (Lord knows you’ve sat through many a birthday party for your kids, right?) Additionally, we don’t need the kids to think they are the center of our universe, (even if they are). So guilty or not (you’re going to feel it, so expect it) GET OUT and have some adult time. Do it!

2. For the longest time, we did not go out on “re-entry” nights, the days my daughter came home from visiting her mom. As the kids are getting older and as we have better babysitters, I am starting to reconsider this rule. For a while, since Caitlyn’s mother would have her on Thursday nights, we use to schedule a “date-night” a couple times a month on that day. It makes sense to try to schedule those nights when you don’t have kids or when you don’t have as many.

3. We were never blessed with free, drop everything family or friends who could regularly watch our kids. So we subscribed to Care.com for a month, quickly pulled about 25 names with background checks and my wife took the time to call and meet most of them and checked their references. We combed down that list to about 3 or 4 really good ones. The being the overly protective parents that we are, we booked a new sitter and brought them to our hometeam. At hometeam we don’t leave the house but the parents have an activity in another room. Thus we could monitor the sitter, without leaving. Afterwards, we talked to our kids, other kids and parents and evaluated the sitter. Good sitters went on our short list and we’ve never worried again. The kids have a good time and we now feel comfortable with our regular sitters. Oh, and we do set the expectation with the sitter of how the time is to be spent; game time, story time, art time etc., and leave the appropriate materials out. That way we don’t worry they will be ignored. (Here’s another plus: Our kids can’t be parked in front of a TV because we don’t have one. If they watch a DVD, they think it’s a treat.)

Hope this helps. If I had to do it over again, I would get a few friends together and split the cost of the Care.com. One month service cost about $20-$30 and it is worth it. So, no excuses. Get out there and have a date night or YOU time! You deserve it!

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Then one day I was watching a show or a movie or something where the mom had revolved her entire life around her daughter. When it was time for the daughter to leave (as they all must!), the daughter had major guilt/depression/etc about leaving her mom behind and the mom had a hard time adjusting to having a life with nothing to do.

It was emphasized the first summer when she went to Grandma’s for a week and I had nothing to do. My friends had stopped calling because I never wanted to go anywhere “adult”. I didn’t have any activities that didn’t center around her. I decided then that while I want to be a good mom, I need to have a life separate from “mom”.

Not having a life separate from “mom” puts too much pressure on both me and her. Plus it is kind of like they say on the airplane, put the oxygen mask on you first because you can’t help anyone else if you are passed out.

The way I was brought up also reinforces that for me. My mother was unhappy in her marriage, unhappy staying home, and in some ways unhappy being a parent. Why? Because she never took time for herself. It was so bad I WANTED to go to daycare (it never happened), and I was thrilled the very rare times I had a sitter or got to interact with other members of the family (rare also, because none of them live nearby). My mother would have set a much better example if she had tried to make HERSELF happy, at least to an extent. Her reluctance to do so had repercussions. Not knowing any better, I blamed myself for her unhappiness and struggled with self-esteem issues throughout my life. My mother was always physically there, but she never hugged me or made me feel loved.

I have met a few single parents who say they don’t want to date at all until their kids are older. If they are truly happy that way and are loving parents, then that’s fine. But if they aren’t, they are doing the kids NO favors by renouncing their own needs to be with those children. Believe me, everyone will suffer for their ’sacrifices’, especially their kids.

Now i see the same thing with mine. I don’t get a sitter often because of their ages.. but they don’t feel left out.

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Umm…. I’m really REALLY really having guilt issues. I’m not dating or even looking to date at the moment. And I have a costly gym membership that I’m not even using because I feel guilty just going to the gym for an hour and leaving my 2.5 year old at the Child Watch Center at the gym! Its not so much that I think he won’t have a good time, or that he’ll miss me – no. Its just that I already feel extremely guilty that I work out of the home full-time. I just cannot justify to myself NOT spending every minute I can with him when I’m not at work – my ONLY luxury. I’ve never hired a babysitter ever – and I take Owen with me on any errands, outings, etc. that I have to do.

Perhaps because my mom raised me that way, I dunno. She never hired babysitters – I just always went wherever she went….

But some day, some day, I pray I’ll find someone to date, but by then Owen will probably be in college….

So, I have no solution – still desperate to strike a balance, which is ever-elusive to me….

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