I will not say I am a bonus to them, because as much as I know they know I am there for both of them, their mother is always the bonus for them. She has them every other weekend and does not discipline or punish. In our home, there are a lot of mixed roles. Role models are important but I will not over compensate for what their mother lacks. Mother lives at her mothers and is a recovering addict and she has tried very hard to get as far as she has. I am grateful but she still has parental issues and even after 10 years of being a mother, she has to deal with her postpartum depression. Being a parent to her is hard and we try to support her but she will always do her own thing, even if it isn’t for the best interests of the children.

I am not a bonus or a step, I am just whatever the kids needs me to be that day but I am capable of doing that. It is hard and confusing to me more than anyone but as long as the kids know, Dad + K + kids = consistency, I don’t care what role I play in their lives. There is love and respect. I never came into the picture to replace anyone and as far as I am concerned, they do have a mother whom they love till no ends, and regardless of her struggles, that is all that matters. A parent is a parent but it is family that really matter. I am family.

“If you are a single parent and the person you are with *isn’t* a role model for your kids, why are you marrying him/her?”

Thank you!

PT-LawMom’s last blog post..Not Myself

Regardless of Step- or Bonus-, people are people. And some people don’t make good parents regardless of the label we apply.

Solo-Dad’s last blog post..No More Mr. Fat Guy

Nicola’s last blog post..Happy birthday to me !

As for the wording, I don’t think it really matters what you call it as much as the feelings behind the words. I have a cousin who married a woman several years older than him. In fact, there’s the same age difference between him and his wife as between him and her oldest daughter. She has two children from her first marriage and they have two together. In their case, I can honestly say that he does not treat the stepkids any different from his bio kids. They DO NOT use the term step or half siblings. They are a family, plain and simple. All four kids call him by a nickname, not dad, but he is their parent, no questions asked. He has a decent relationship with the bio dad (as good as could be expected) and there are boundaries and mutual respect between them…he doesn’t try to replace their father in any way, but in his house, he makes rules and enforces them and he treats the step chidlren exactly like his own children. If I ever decide to remarry, that’s the kind of relationship I hope for. I can’t imagine introducing a step-parent into the family and then tying their hands and saying they can’t parent or discipline or whatever. Maybe that’s naive, but I guess we’ll see.

I can understand why a parent would feel hurt or threatened by a step-parent introducing the children as theirs. I would certainly not be happy if Ex’s girlfriend was calling my kids her own, but I also see the other side of it. Making a distinction between “my kids” and “his kids” keeps that wedge in the forefront of everyone’s mind. The stepmother who calls the stepkids her own is probably just trying to express her love for the children and help to unite the family. If it bothers anyone, then she shouldn’t do it, but if she doesn’t know that it bothers anyone, I would give her the benefit of the doubt that her intentions are good.

Wondermom’s last blog post..I’m really trying

I’m remarrying in September. And my children are gaining something. Since their father left us literally overnight, they have a huge, gaping, hole where a male presence used to be. Now, they have someone who helps with soccer, teaches the chess club at school, wipes their nose, wakes up with them at night when they are scared. Just saying – - if you look at the numbers, lots of parents bail out. Every situation is different but in many cases the children very much ARE gaining something. And I know many families who make it work with four co-parents, and the children love all of them. It’s freaking hard work! It’s not luck, or fortune. It’s saying “these kids come first, and I’m not getting embroiled in bullshit with these other people at the expense of my kid’s sanity”.

Also – - this from Fred:
“The real underlining problem with step-parents has little to do with the kids, and everything to do with the biological parents” … is the real salient issue. We as biological parents don’t want to hear this piece because it means the hard work is ours – still, and more of it. Look at all the bitterness and whining on this subject above! It’s amazing to me with attitudes like this from biological parents and the “problem” is almost always painted as the “step/bonus parent” the “kid” or the “ex”.

What’s YOUR responsibility then, if all those other people need to change??

Wowmomma’s last blog post..Guild Leadership Series: Introduction