Comments on: Responsible co-parenting or something else?

By: Sonia

Sonia — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 00:26:25 +0000

I’ve never met my husband’s new significant other, and the whole situation feels really wrong to me. The children met her long before I learned there was such a person. We’re still in the middle of the divorce, by the way.

I’d like opinions about my situation:

- husband cohabits with this person, even when the kids are with him
- husband refuses to introduce gf, or even give me any identifying
information about her (name, age)
- kids spend time alone with gf, sometimes one-on-one
- gf picks them up occasionally from school or activities
- gf is sometimes in the car when he picks up the children. Twice, I’ve happened to come out with a forgotten item (sports equipment/medication), and she turns around in the passenger seat and hides her face from me. wtf??
- kids report the gf has been unemployed by choice all her life and has
been divorced at least once or twice herself; she appears to be in her
early forties.

I find all of this disquieting, and wonder what the big deal is, and why my husband insists on keeping this person’s identity a secret. I would vet any sitter or nanny who was driving my children around or sleeping in the same house with them. Has anyone else here been in a similar situation?

By: Amy

Amy — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 02:09:50 +0000

I’m going to be doing this shortly…I will be meeting the X’s GF in 3weeks when they come for a visit and she will be meet my daughter for the 1st time at the same time she meets me.
Not thrilled about it… there is minor history there, over 5yrs ago he cheated on me with her. A one night stand. That broke us up the 1st time. But They hadn’t stayed in contact over the years (so i’m told!) & she found him on facebook 9mths ago and asked him to dinner…then they were together.
BUT he asked me if I was ready for her to meet our daughter now that they were pretty serious & talking about moving in together or if I needed more time. That was nice. So I said it was fine, we’d get it over and done with. I’m pretty sure it won’t last too long, dunno, depends on whether they want to sit down and talk about the boundaries straight up or leave if for another day. But I’m very thankful that he is respectful about things that he knows will be difficult for me.

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:16:47 +0000

Hello Big City Dad . . .thanks for joining our conversation. Psychologists are people experts. This advice is strict, but makes sense. And both of you feel better about future relationships. Sounds good all around! Please visit us again soon.

By: Big City Dad

Big City Dad — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 21:48:20 +0000

I recently went through this with my ex. I had been dating a woman for about 8 months after knowing her for 6 years and was going to have her watch my 3 year daughter for a couple hours since neither my ex or her nanny could do it. My ex flipped out because she hadn’t met the woman. I reluctantly gave in. Later, I learned that my ex had introduced her new “boyfriend” to my daughter. Problem is, “boyfriend” is married with two kids and cheating on his wife with my ex. We went to a child psychologist to get some help and she laid some really go ground rules. Introductions to the child will happen only if 1) you’ve been dating for 6 months or more; 2) that person is available for an actual relationship (is unmarried and only committed to you); 3) no overnights until it’s time to move in; and 4) you must introduce the person to the ex as a courtesy (but not for approval) prior to allowing that person to spend one minute alone with our daughter. Strict rules but we both agreed and it gave both of us a strong comfort level for any future relationships.
Big City Dad´s last blog ..In The Beginning…

By: Tishia Lee

Tishia Lee — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 04:33:39 +0000

My ex and I have always been open to introducing our new significant others to one another. It just seemed like it was the right thing to do because we felt we had a right to know who our son was spending time with.

By: Kari

Kari — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 11:06:39 +0000

Going from experience here.

My ex had plenty of GF’s that I met through the years (and were involved with kiddo on one form or another).

Out of all of them his first one (who was alos live-in) I had HUGE problems with. It had nothing to do with jealousy or wanting him back (although I did have these hurtful pangs but it didn’t cloud me in that sense).

However, she had done some things that were not great. It got to a point where ex would make her leave their home during drop offs/pick ups but she insisted on being in the vehicle when it happened in my home (when he’d come to my home).

The others were just fine. His wife and I (the one he finally married) are friends now.

All in all, it didn’t matter if I met the girl or not. The fact of the matter was my opinion on who he exposed our child to ceased to exist the day we hashed out our court order. In the grand scheme of things there isn’t much you can do.

In a co-parenting relationship you have to give room to let the other parent do their own parenting. The courts will do nothing until something bad happens anyway (ie. child with the new girlfirend alone and is explosed to something harmful). If this is a boundry for the ex then there really is nothing you can do.

Like I said in hindsight looking back, there was no reason I needed to meet ex’s new fling, gf… really all I got to do is shake their hand anyway at first. I understand the want to meet them but really it makes no difference in anything much. What if you didn’t like her? Do you really think your ex wants you involved in his decisions regarding who he dates? Do you want your ex to have that same involvement with who you date? (and what I mean by this is do you want him to have a say in who you can and can’t date just because he has a problem?)

By: bettereveryday

bettereveryday — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 14:51:10 +0000

My x and I had a discussion about responsible co-parenting and it went out the window when he met his newest girlfriend and introduced her to my kids without even asking me. I had the courtesy to speak to him at length about introducing them to my boyfriend and asked him to keep me posted of any of their feeling they shared with him if they were concerning. They are 5 and 8 years old. The fact that he is keeping her “hidden” concerns me most! If he is embarrased then there must be something I wont like about her. I do know she is jobless and has no kids. I just wonder what does she do all day? Anyhow I’m becoming bitter with the whole situation and have been pulling away from communicating with him and decided to use only my judgement when there are issues that I normally would have discussed with him. Not the best situation for the kids I know but if we can’t communicate then what do I do?

By: wondermom

wondermom — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 20:14:17 +0000

When Ex moved in with his girlfriend, the first time he kept the boys overnight there I asked to meet her. He was not thrilled about it but I explained to him that I didn’t want any drama, I would just feel better meeting her since she was living there and the boys would be around her. He went in the other room and talked to her and she finally came out and introduced herself. She was very nice and said she understood because she remembered how hard it was for her when her son’s dad moved in with someone. I won’t pretend to like the fact that she was running around with my husband for at least the last two years of our marriage and I’m not thrilled about her parenting style, but there’s never been any drama between us and we get along fine. I don’t expect to meet every girl he dates (who can keep up!) but since she’s living there, I think as a mother I have a right to know who is caring for my kids. I’m glad she agreed because it might have gotten ugly if she didn’t.

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:35:10 +0000

UnDeadBeatDad: Welcome! I hadn’t thought of a “meet and greet” as an effective way to prevent kids (of all ages!) from being thrust into the middle of potential disputes in blended families. And most of us think of younger kids as less vulnerable, but you are likely correct that younger kids may need a “meet and greet” (the bare minimum) more than older kids. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective.

By: Solomother

Solomother — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 12:17:12 +0000

How’s this for a meet the ex situation? My BF and his ex attend the sporting events their sons participate in… and so eventually, at an after game party I met her. We chatted civilly, exchanged basic history, admitted how weird it was and moved on.

A week later, I’m standing at a game and the ex and HER boyfriend come up to me and start chatting.

My boyfriend shut down for days. He’s the only one in this equation who has problems with exes being civil to each other. I’m not saying we should all go on vacation together, but letting your own hurt and anger over a breakup poison the rest of your life is just not a good idea.

For me? I was glad to have met her, and wish her nothing but the best.

I know MY ex’s girlfriend. She’s the woman I accused him of having an affair with back in the day. And I like her, too. My ex is a step up from her ex, let me tell you!