Are pictures of your ex’s family clutter?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Kids, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
We’ve gone one the record about clutter. We proclaimed that clutter is the enemy of great sex. (Actually, clutter seems to get in the way of joy and productivity altogether, doesn’t it?) That’s we’ve urged you to purge remnants of past relationships, such as dismantling your marriage museum.
Who doesn’t love the idea of fresh bedding and a spiffed up kid free zone of privacy? And, of course, locks on grown-up bedroom doors.
So, when our reader, Chai_Girl,” shared this “clutter” dilemma with us, we were anxious to help.
“Occasionally, my 13-year-old daughter does something that reminds me that she is still hoping that her father and I will get together again,” Chai_Girl told us. “Recently, she was cleaning her room. She brought out framed family pictures of my ex’s family and carefully arranged them on the mantle over the fireplace.
When I noticed, I asked her to please put them in her room. My daughter said that she wanted to put the pictures in the living room because she thought I might want to remember these people, too.
I explained that while looking at pictures of her dad’s side of the family made her feel good, they just brought back bad memories for me. She listened and moved them to her bedroom.”
Now this mom wants to know: “Did I do the right thing?”
She explains that looking at the pictures reminds her of her ex — and the bad choices she made: “I don’t want those constant reminders cluttering up my living room.”
Here are our thoughts: Family pictures have different meanings for our kids than for us. We understand this is a parenting dilemma for many of you. So, where do you display — or not — your ex’s family pictures?
After all, family pictures are not clutter like other relationship debris. Do you agree? Kids may simply be curious about their resemblance to family members. Or maybe the sudden appearance of the pictures signals a need to chat about unspoken questions or concerns? The photos might simply be special, and not necessarily be connected to the hope that Mom and Dad will get back together.
We’re wondering: Do you display pictures of your ex’s family in your living room? Or just in your kids’ room?
Do you have any suggestions for Chai_Girl as she ponders this latest parenting dilemma?
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I have to agree with her decision. We didn’t have many pics of his family anyway, and I don’t mind the pics of his little cousins around, but pics of the ex in-laws do not belong in the family space. Similarly, I’ve been debating removing pics of his family from my iphoto library. Maybe I’ll just start a flickr account just for my son and send them there…
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I totally think she did the right thing. The girls have pics of their dad in their room, and some are in those many photo boxes in the closet.
The kids will go through phases, and I think that allowing the ex’s picture on the mantle gives them false hope that their wishes of a reconciliation will come true. It’s important to be firm, but kind about it, and that’s exactly what she did.
April´s last blog ..Seeking safety in a dangerous world
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
We had TONS of pictures, which was a huge issue when we split, and for about 3 years after.
When we lost our family home, it gave me the opportunity to put many away – not throw them away – but box them, letting the kids know we still had them. Family albums (more pain) were also put away, but one of the kids wanted them in his room and I said fine.
A number of pictures for each child were put specifically in their rooms. At first, they were pictures of all four of us. Their choice. Or pictures of me with them, and their dad with them.
Over the years, that changed. They decided what to put away and what to keep, in their own rooms. Anywhere else in this little second home, it’s pics of them, or them with me and the dog.
And they have many other pictures online of their dad’s family, which I don’t monitor at all. I don’t need to see, and they know not to show me.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Bette, Joan, Anne. Excedrin.
I agree with her decision. My daughter displays pictures of her father and his family all over her room and I’m fine with that but there is no place for those photos in the shared living space.
Michele´s last blog ..Zoë’s
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
When I used to be a step-mom, it was important to me to let me step-daughter know that we respected her mother—so we put a framed picture of her mother in the her bedroom. Similarily, I have put photos albums and some photos of my daughter’s family in her room. I also kept my wedding album in a box for my child-believe me, I would LOVE to throw them out–but I realize they are of the few photos my child will have of both parents and both families in one book. They belong to her and they’re waiting for her in a box. I think it’s fair. So I don’t think Chai-girl did the wrong thing.
Avigail74´s last blog ..Gypsy Family
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
I had that same issue. I put some in the kids room. I put 2 in the living room because they need to know that I am not mad or bitter or pissed with their Dad and his people. I have been boxing up the other photos…holiday stuff, family group photos etc. They can keep them and will want them as they grow up.
It is tough. But as a parent we have to rise above our pain for the sake of our children and their sense of how to be in the world as it changes around them.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..GONE TOO SOON…NIKKI HARRIS
Twitter @ SingleMomSays
On the flip side of this, my ex – well Wifey, I’m sure – actually displayed pictues of themselves in the home they shared that had once included me but that I had since been cut out of! For those of you dont know, my ex left me for my “best friend” and they moved in together immediatley(and while still married to the spouses they left for each other). The sad thing is that it was my kids who told me about it.
Obviously, I would NOT display pictures of him or his family in my home but the kids do have some pics in their room. I have also saved pictures of the past for them to have when they are older. We were a family for 12 years so getting rid of them would be wiping out a large portion of their childhood.
Mindy/Single Mom says´s last blog ..The Key to Successful Dating
Twitter @ http://daddygotcustody.com/blog
Pictures of the Ex are important to kids and most certainly should be in the kids’ rooms. My daughter has pictures of her mom and every other year I try to take another one of her and my Ex to add to her room.
However, I agree with Chai_Girl they don’t need to be in the living room.
In fact, interesting tip here I have gotten from interviewing several social workers who are trying to determine contested custody disputes say…
1) No pictures of the Ex is a tip or concern that the parent may harbor alienation or resentment.
2) Pictures of the Ex in the kids room is ideal and shows balance.
3) Pictures of the Ex in the living room or all over the house is a tip that the parent is trying too hard to impress them or is not dealing with the divorce.
So there’s a social workers’ view point as well.
FullCustodyDad
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..The Power of an Apology
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
My situation is different – my son’s father has never even met him, so we do not have a need to put pictures up, although I do have a few pictures that I have shown my son. I think every parents reaction and how they feel about it is different and I think the correct way to handle it is whichever way you decide to. I know this is a generic response but the older I get the more I realize even if I make a decision that appears to be the wrong one, it is the right decision for me. No point in thinking “what if I would have done xxx”.
Hope everyone has a great extended weekend !!!
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra $1250 to pay towards debt !!!
Twitter @ princessmyd
I agree with the decision to keep pictures of the ex in the child’s room. My son has a framed photo of his dad next to his bed. I also put together a small photo album of pictures from when his dad and I were married, which he calls “his very important photos.” We weren’t married that long, so fortunately I don’t have too many photos of the ex and his family. I have some digital photos on my computer that I need to archive…I think I’ll put them on a CD and store them in a box for my son to look at in the future.