Is this a man or a fix-up project?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Relationships, Single Moms, Tips & Advice
We’ve gotten a bunch of eerily similar e-mails in the last week or so. Here’s a sample:
- One newly divorced single mom is perplexed about her boyfriend who exclusively devours fast food.
- A motivated choice mom of two preschoolers wrote us about her boyfriend’s perilously spiraling debt.
- Another single mom is worried about the terrible fights her boyfriend has with his family.
- A widowed single mom wants to be reassured that it’s really not a problem when her new guy only gets high on the weekends.
Each message ends very similarly:
“I know that if I just stick by him he will get better. He just needs someone to help him work on himself, right?”
Of course, we agree that these guys need someone to help them out. And we’re suggesting that these guys need to find someone other than you to get their lives in order.
We’re wondering if you agree with us.
We believe that single moms are particularly vulnerable to latching on “fix-up projects.” Most of us live daily with “can-do” attitudes (sounds familiar, yes?). We routinely handle overwhelming challenges — and we run the risk of bringing this “I can do the impossible” attitude into our romantic lives.
And, of course, we’re curious: Have you ever been in a relationship with a “fix-up project”?
(Photo courtesy of Todd Pollman)
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I had only one “fix up project” before I was a mom, and I quickly learned that he just wasn’t for me, especially since I hadn’t had kids yet! Ironically my only fix up project since becoming a mom was my ex-husband, and he showed me exactly what I don’t want in a relationship.
No one is perfect and there’s always going to be something that’s not quite desirable with the person you’re with, but those things should be minimal and manageable. Often we (both men and women) make excuses for the other person and try to pretend that we don’t see what’s really happening, in order to maintain the relationship. Not wise!
When I chose a spouse in my 20’s, I went into it with the attitude that all of the things about him which I thought were immature (including the ‘only getting high on the weekends’ coincidently) and irresponsible would change as he grew up. Guess what? He’s 41 and hasn’t changed. Yeah, no surprise, right?
Now, hoping to be fortunate enough to someday find a partner/spouse, I realize that it would be foolish, selfish, and unfair of me to expect anyone to change. Now, if I can’t accept and respect someone for who he is, RIGHT NOW, then he’s not for me, and I’m not the best thing for him either.
debra´s last blog ..All of these things are just like the others
Twitter @ YOC8040
I’ve done it twice, although I didn’t realize it until I was out.
My divorce taught me that you can’t make someone happy if they can’t make themselves happy. Also, if what makes them happy doesn’t mesh with your basic values, get out while you can. If smoking pot or watching porn is a dealbreaker for you and a source of happiness for him, it’s not going to work.
Like Debra said, expecting someone to change for you is unrealistic and unfair.
Cat´s last blog ..Boy, Talking
Twitter @ SHSingleMama
I had my share of “oh I can fix him” guys. But that was back when I really didn’t believe that I could get a good man or deserves a good one. Now that I have a daughter, it doesn’t matter whether or not I deserve a good one because she deserves to have a good one in her life.
I really believe that if a man can’t get his act together and grow up he really doesn’t care that much about you. Especially when dating a single mom. Check out my blog about men and the games we believe they play.
http://ourgirlsonlyworld.blogspot.com/2009/07/men-dont-play-games.html
-KA-´s last blog ..Poopy stink problem?
Oooooooh, yeah! I am the fixer-upper queen. Bad childhood, abusive parents, chemical issues…tell me a good sob story about how much you’ve overcome and I’m a sucker EVERY time. I just want to HELP, fix, make it all better (kiss the boo-boos mentality.) I think most women have this tendency. Its the mother gene coming out and LOSERS KNOW THIS ladies (ok and gents too)! They can spot a softie a mile away and will play on your heartstrings like a master violinist. News fash folks! The best thing you can do for this type of user is WALK AWAY. Force them to take responsibility for their own actions. (I say this, yet here I sit with an ex who hasn’t paid child support in 2 years and I just keep making excuses for why I haven’t gone after him legally.)
Slightly off topic though. I hear many people complaining about their spouses wanting them to change after marriage or that their spouse changed, etc. AND I hear people talking about how we can’t change anybody else. I agree for the most part, however, I do think that some change CAN be expected. When you’re single, the only person you are responsible for is yourself. When you get married, there is automatically a shift in responsibility. You’re now on the hook for yourself AND someone else. If either of you becomes ill, loses a job, whatever, the other person must pick up the slack. When you have kids, you’re suddenly in doctors and cars and college, Oh My! land. You simply MUST change your priorities. Hobbies and fun must be cut back to make way for other expenses. There are many people out there who seem to think that they should be able to continue their previous lifestyles and then accuse their spouse of being a nag, changing, wanting them to change etc. I think this is a major contributor to divorce these days. One spouse is fine with a little “living on the edge” while single, but (rightly, in my opinion) expect that to change as responibilities increase. When their spouse doesn’t agree, it causes major problems in the marriage. So, sometimes we don’t know we’ve got a fixer-upper till after we’re legally bound with 2.5 kids in tow which makes it even harder to walk away and easier to make excuses for their behavior. And if we “fail” to help the first project, we seem to try all that much harder in the future and the pattern is set…
CJ´s last blog ..Yeah…again
Yeah I don’t do the fixer up anymore. Actually I run screaming when I see it. I use to fall for it with the belief if I helped her, she would love me and never leave me, blah, blah, blah. Never works and I’d rather shoot myself in the foot nowadays.
Mike´s last blog ..It’s a Major Award
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Run, run as fast as you can! Okay, that’s simplistic, but in my experience, that’s usually the best answer.
My ex never got it together. He’s 48 and living with his parents (and a drug addict).
Especially as a single parent already, it’s no longer just your life, but that of your kids. And raising kids is enough responsibility without having to care for an adult in the same manner.
Being alone in a relationship is much worse than being single.
April´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up: Children and Art
Twitter @ Jennsplace
Oh goodness the fixer-upper…I have a long history of those. I would fall in the ‘it could happen any day now’ camp and wait forever and ever without success. I could excuse away the biggest red flags because I was sure he’d change for me or I could save/fix him. UGH! I don’t think it’s not that people can’t change, it’s people don’t want to change because it’s HARD WORK!
A perfect example of how people don’t change that much if they don’t want to: One of my ex BF’s from 10 years ago is on my Facebook. His comments and fan pages and ‘likes this’ choices all show he has not changed AT ALL! He’s still trying to relive his college years. As a FB friend & fellow single parent it’s fine, but it’s a daily reminder of how happy I am not to be dating him anymore!
My ex-husband is another fixer-upper that failed, and again, he’s still doing the the same thing as when we were dating. He didn’t change at all, and when I tried to change to fit his personality and life it doesn’t work! Shocking I know. lol
Now that I have a kid I can’t do fixer upper. My child is the only one I have time to mold and change right now. If I can’t accept the person as they are when I meet them, and they’re not able to make real changes they feel are necessary, then I can’t be with them. I can do bad all by myself.
Jennifer´s last blog ..Missed Connections Funny (xkcd.com)
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
It seems to me that many single moms got into being a single mom by choosing a fixer-upper, I certainly did. If a relationship starts out with one partner fixing the other, I say its doomed.
I’ve decided, for me, that a relationship should be inspiring. I am not responsible for anyone else’s growth, nor they for mine. But in my ideal relationship I learn from watching my mate, I’m inspired to be better, do better, etc. This is different than having a mate stay with you but on the contingency that you will change X about yourself. Resentments breed, scapegoating happens, change can only come from within, and a relationship can’t be based on the prerequisite of change.
Ask yourself if this person never changes X (drinking, gambling, spending) can I be happy with them, if they answer is no, then walk away. Chance are they won’t change.
Samantha´s last blog ..Tomorrow’s the Day
Ugh – my son’s father was a “fix up project” that went….ary? I thought that since he hadn’t experienced unconditional love that I would provide that for him – I’ve still got it for him but he doesn’t have it for us. First and LAST fix up project man in my life.
I am in agreence – single parents don’t have time to devote themselves to people that don’t have their stuff together. It isn’t healthy for them or their children.
Restless Mama´s last blog ..Your lovie
Ahh – fix up projects. Since becoming a single mother I haven’t had any (ran like hell from the pot smoker, ditched the guy who turned out to be living with his fiancee). My fixer-upper was the relationship that turned me into a mother in the first place.
Again and again I said, “It’ll get better, I just have to stick by him” and, “this is just a rough patch,” and “he wasn’t always like this, I mean he was, but he changed, and now he’s changed back, so he can change back-back, can’t he?”
Yeah. I learned. Give a guy a chance, sure! But change him? Help him to be a better person? No way.
Melanie´s last blog ..Lunchtime Happinesses
Run far, far away as fast as you can! I know as single moms we don’t always have a treasure trove of men knocking down our doors to date us, but we owe it to ourselves and our kids to remember that we only deserve the best. Other than the fast food guy, these women aren’t talking about merely annoying habits. Move on. It’s your job to raise your children – not your boyfriend!
Twitter @ MsV1959
Um. No.
Be wonderful yourself. Find like man.
When I’m broken, I attract broken men.
End of story.
Ms.V´s last blog ..Before He Cheats. Heh.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
We don’t always recognize the “fixer uppers” – especially if they have wonderful qualities as well as problems. Especially if we’re young when we encounter them.
I think we should make a distinction between fixer-uppers (addictions, deeply-routed psychological or behavioral issues) and those who have real world “contextual” problems.
MANY men – and women – have financial problems in this economy. Does that make them all fixer-uppers? As we age, we have health conditions, or perhaps sports injuries that make us less than perfect specimens. Does that make these individuals fixer-uppers?
Life happens. It’s what teaches us and enriches us. There are wonderful men and women who have lived a lot of life, and they aren’t fixer-uppers. They’re good people fighting to thrive with what they have. Don’t they deserve a chance, too?
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Mr. Potato Head. Richard Gere. Faux Fur.
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
A timely post for me. I’m beginning to realize how much I’ve focused on my husband’s issues verses my own and how long I’ve waited for us to grow and change together. I guess what I was really waiting for was him to change. *sigh* One of those truths…
StudentMama´s last blog ..Finding Strength
Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
No fix up projects here. I’ve been in relationships with men and have ended up helping them change (including my ex husband) but it always came from a loving and supportive place, not an unhealthy one, thankfully.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Dear Lenny
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
We all have our “issues” but when someone needs more than just support and encouraging words then you need to be real and leave that mess alone. If someone is into stuff that you morally oppose, then they are not the one for you. Do we not think we are good enough to get lovers that come to the table with healthy and full hearts? Why are we willing to accept any old cut of meat? Why are we so willing to operate from a place of desperation? Sorry I am not in the convincing business, I am not in the saviour business, I am not in the search and rescue business. I have come too far to accept behaviour and mess from someone that has not doen their internal work to change their lives. You see THEY have to do that work…not me pointing out what they need to do to make their lives better. The only fix-up project I am into is making my MBR a sanctuary…that’s IT!
lovebabz´s last blog ..GOODBYE BLOGGING…FOR AWHILE…A GOOD LONG WHILE
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I think ALL relationships should promote mutual growth; the problem is when it not mutual and only one person benefitting while the other being taken advantage of. I would defintiely avoid undertaking a ‘project’ but can’t help being supportive of those I care about.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..A Very Good Day
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
hmmm, where did my is’s go?
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..A Very Good Day
Fixer-uppers are never the way to go. Odds are you aren’t the first that tries to fix them and you won’t be the last.
You can’t hope someone will ~change~ for you in a relationship. You can hope they will ~grow~ with you. There is a big difference. If there is a potential for ~growth~, you will see in their history. If there isn’t, then they are never going to ~change~ and while you are ~growing~ they are staying the same.
When I was considering divorce, someone told me that we all deserve to be happy. If he is happy getting high only on the weekends or spending too much money, or whatever, then ~changing~ would make him not happy. If he changes for you and not because he feels the internal need to do it (growth) then he becomes resentful. If you ~change~ to accept the things you don’t approve of or like, then you will eventually become resentful of him for making you change who you are.
So, take a good look at the person and their past history. If they show a pattern of growth and have just hit a few rough patches, then support might be what they need to get back on the path. If not, and their history is a series of excuses and blaming others, then that will never change.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
Just musing, but… I’ve never gone for “fixer-uppers” partly because I don’t see people that way. You have people who are a mess (broken, or almost), and maybe they need some befriending, but that’s not relationship material.
I don’t try to change people. Period. I think people need to change themselves, if they choose to.
Other than that – I LOVE fixer-upper houses! They’re great fun – a wonderful journey, never dull, and I don’t really mind the mess. Soooo creative, and yes – a relief when the fixing is done and you can bask in it for awhile. I’ll stick to those tangible renovations, and not mess with another person’s interiors or exteriors.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Narcissistic relationship? Use it or lose it.