Comments on: Is this a man or a fix-up project?

By: BigLittleWolf

BigLittleWolf — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 01:54:27 +0000

Just musing, but… I’ve never gone for “fixer-uppers” partly because I don’t see people that way. You have people who are a mess (broken, or almost), and maybe they need some befriending, but that’s not relationship material.

I don’t try to change people. Period. I think people need to change themselves, if they choose to.

Other than that – I LOVE fixer-upper houses! They’re great fun – a wonderful journey, never dull, and I don’t really mind the mess. Soooo creative, and yes – a relief when the fixing is done and you can bask in it for awhile. I’ll stick to those tangible renovations, and not mess with another person’s interiors or exteriors.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Narcissistic relationship? Use it or lose it.

By: chai_girl

chai_girl — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 17:28:29 +0000

Fixer-uppers are never the way to go. Odds are you aren’t the first that tries to fix them and you won’t be the last.

You can’t hope someone will ~change~ for you in a relationship. You can hope they will ~grow~ with you. There is a big difference. If there is a potential for ~growth~, you will see in their history. If there isn’t, then they are never going to ~change~ and while you are ~growing~ they are staying the same.

When I was considering divorce, someone told me that we all deserve to be happy. If he is happy getting high only on the weekends or spending too much money, or whatever, then ~changing~ would make him not happy. If he changes for you and not because he feels the internal need to do it (growth) then he becomes resentful. If you ~change~ to accept the things you don’t approve of or like, then you will eventually become resentful of him for making you change who you are.

So, take a good look at the person and their past history. If they show a pattern of growth and have just hit a few rough patches, then support might be what they need to get back on the path. If not, and their history is a series of excuses and blaming others, then that will never change.

By: MindyMom/Single Mom Says...

MindyMom/Single Mom Says... — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 16:02:34 +0000

hmmm, where did my is’s go?
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..A Very Good Day

By: MindyMom/Single Mom Says...

MindyMom/Single Mom Says... — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 16:01:24 +0000

I think ALL relationships should promote mutual growth; the problem is when it not mutual and only one person benefitting while the other being taken advantage of. I would defintiely avoid undertaking a ‘project’ but can’t help being supportive of those I care about.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..A Very Good Day

By: lovebabz

lovebabz — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 14:43:09 +0000

We all have our “issues” but when someone needs more than just support and encouraging words then you need to be real and leave that mess alone. If someone is into stuff that you morally oppose, then they are not the one for you. Do we not think we are good enough to get lovers that come to the table with healthy and full hearts? Why are we willing to accept any old cut of meat? Why are we so willing to operate from a place of desperation? Sorry I am not in the convincing business, I am not in the saviour business, I am not in the search and rescue business. I have come too far to accept behaviour and mess from someone that has not doen their internal work to change their lives. You see THEY have to do that work…not me pointing out what they need to do to make their lives better. The only fix-up project I am into is making my MBR a sanctuary…that’s IT!
lovebabz´s last blog ..GOODBYE BLOGGING…FOR AWHILE…A GOOD LONG WHILE

By: MommaSunshine

MommaSunshine — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 09:38:12 +0000

No fix up projects here. I’ve been in relationships with men and have ended up helping them change (including my ex husband) but it always came from a loving and supportive place, not an unhealthy one, thankfully.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Dear Lenny

By: StudentMama

StudentMama — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 07:11:04 +0000

A timely post for me. I’m beginning to realize how much I’ve focused on my husband’s issues verses my own and how long I’ve waited for us to grow and change together. I guess what I was really waiting for was him to change. *sigh* One of those truths…
StudentMama´s last blog ..Finding Strength

By: BigLittleWolf

BigLittleWolf — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 05:53:08 +0000

We don’t always recognize the “fixer uppers” – especially if they have wonderful qualities as well as problems. Especially if we’re young when we encounter them.

I think we should make a distinction between fixer-uppers (addictions, deeply-routed psychological or behavioral issues) and those who have real world “contextual” problems.

MANY men – and women – have financial problems in this economy. Does that make them all fixer-uppers? As we age, we have health conditions, or perhaps sports injuries that make us less than perfect specimens. Does that make these individuals fixer-uppers?

Life happens. It’s what teaches us and enriches us. There are wonderful men and women who have lived a lot of life, and they aren’t fixer-uppers. They’re good people fighting to thrive with what they have. Don’t they deserve a chance, too?
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Mr. Potato Head. Richard Gere. Faux Fur.

By: Ms.V

Ms.V — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 04:36:49 +0000

Um. No.

Be wonderful yourself. Find like man.

When I’m broken, I attract broken men.

End of story.
Ms.V´s last blog ..Before He Cheats. Heh.

By: Erin

Erin — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 01:41:53 +0000

Run far, far away as fast as you can! I know as single moms we don’t always have a treasure trove of men knocking down our doors to date us, but we owe it to ourselves and our kids to remember that we only deserve the best. Other than the fast food guy, these women aren’t talking about merely annoying habits. Move on. It’s your job to raise your children – not your boyfriend!