Will you ever get married again?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Relationships
When Rachel at Single Mom Seeking asked a while back if any of you think about getting married again, your raw honesty and candor awed us.
“You’d think I’d be sour on the whole idea,” commented Solo Mother. “But I’d like to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I won’t settle for anything less.”
One single dad, SDMktg, however, wrote about his heart being torn out once before — and this has him very cautious about remarrying.
“Parenting is a lot of work — as is a relationship, as is a job,” commented Crazy Computer Dad, “I know that right now I don’t have the energy to do all three, so parenting and my job have to come first.”
We’ve heard from single moms of teens and grown kids tell us that they aren’t looking for a life partner to help raise their kids — but they like the idea of a committed relationship. So, does that mean marriage?
“I don’t hear any more wedding bells in my future,” another single mom in her late 30s recently wrote to us.
“I’m not bitter, just honest,” she went on. “I have one kid in college, and another headed there next fall. Yes, I really miss having a man in my life. But I just don’t believe in marriage — or want it.”
We agree that the only way you can really have a new, lasting relationship is if you’ve healed from the past.
Do you find it hard to trust again? Are you afraid of being hurt?
You may have been burned by a bitter and protracted divorce — and sworn off legal entanglements of any sort. You may just not believe in marriage as an institution, either. You may not want to jeopardize your hard earned financial freedom.
Does this sound familiar to any of you?
We get it.
And we’re wondering: What’s in your heart when you think about marriage?
(Photo courtesy of Paul Alhadef)
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I’m not neccessarily against the institution of marriage, but I don’t think it works for everyone. Some of us just aren’t cut out for marriage. Been there, done that…twice. Either I suck at being a wife or I suck at picking husbands
Either way, I’m not comfortable putting my financial independence or my sense of self on the line again. Someday I’d like to have a man in my life, but I don’t forsee any wedding bells or even cohabitation. He can keep his place and his life and I’ll keep mine. It seems to be what works best for me. I suppose after a lot of self growth and if I were to find a REALLY great guy, I might change that opinion, but at this point…no more marriage for me. I’ll take my walk rather than strike three, thanks.
CJ´s last blog ..Email Probs!!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I met my ex husband when I was 18, married him at 20 and divorced at 32. I spent my whole adult life with one man but only in the last (almost) 8 years since we seperated have I begun to really enjoy it and live MY life. I LOVE my independence but…I do believe I will marry again someday. When I do though I will know what I am getting into and wont ever settle.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Hot Yoga Hottie
I was married at 20 to a narcissistic man with drug and alcohol addictions. At 23, with two babies under 2, I was widowed.
Throughout the years I have gone back and forth on the issue of marriage. Having been so badly scarred by my marriage, I made the decision I would NEVER do it again. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that is something I really want.
I have asserted my independence as an only parent, making all choices for the welfare of myself and my kids alone. I became a homeowner, alone. I had a successful career in training and development and have learned to be successful as a SAHM. I’ve done all of this without the support of a partner.
While I have friends in abundance and a lot of family that love me, I’ve come to realize there is one thing I don’t want to do alone. That, my friends, is experience the rest life has to offer. I love my life as a single woman and I am so excited to find someone to share the rest of my life with!
That One Mom´s last blog ..Wannabe Hoochie Mama
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@That One Mom: Welcome to Singlemommyhood! We really appreciate your open, honest comment — and hearing about how your feelings about marriage have changed as you’ve faced your fears.
I am in a similar situation as MindyMom, I met my ex wife at 17 – married at 26 and divorced at 33. Since separation and divorce, I have finally begun to discover my true sense of *me*, of self. For all of those years I lived in constant compromise, constant blending of my identity and my growth intertwined with another human being. Now, at 35, I find that it’s OK to be self centered for once. Not necessarily selfish, just no longer constantly connected to another human being (my little 4 year old notwithstanding.) I agree with Mindymom…for that to EVER happen again the woman would have to be the epitome of ideal and since that can evolve and shape itself constantly; I find myself less and less inclined to ever marry again. Unfortunately our society has made the institution of marriage far TOO easy and the institution of divorce a painful and far more difficult journey. Perhaps as it should be, but there needs to be more thought put into marriage these days in my humble opinion.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@CJ and @Single Mom Says: Thanks for keeping it real! Here’s to not settling.
And CJ, you cracked us up with “Either I suck at being a wife or I suck at picking husbands.”
Nope.
LOD´s last blog ..Billious
Twitter @ http://www.solomother.com
I think I still stand by what I said, but it’s not going to happen quickly. At 41, I’m only just learning to value myself, and that also means not settling for less than the open, emotionally available, kind man I deserve.
I seem to pick men with problems — big problems. But now that I’m a grown up, and ‘get it’, I’m not going to settle for a project or a fixer-upper. I will find someone who has done the hard work, and knows that a marriage is a union, a third soul in the room, that needs to be tended.
Solomother´s last blog ..PSA: Tylenol Recall
Twitter @ http://goingsaneinacrazyworld.blogspot.com/
I would like to be married again, but not now. Like many above me have mentioned. Having been married for most of my adult life I’m happy to have “me” time.
Mike´s last blog ..Say Hello to My Little Friend
I’ve forced myself to answer this question many times: “Is this guy a man or a project?”
Single parents with our “can do attitude” and ease at doing the impossible (daily) seem disproportionately attracted to the “fixer upper”. Seems like for lots of us ….been there and done that.
Twitter @ Jennsplace
Never again! I will never again entangle myself legally or financially to someone after having ‘the marriage that never was’ which supposedly made for an ‘easy’ divorce, as my lawyer put it, but somehow didn’t make the hurt any less easy. If my feelings are going to get smashed into pieces, I don’t want a lawyer reducing it all down to motions to be filed in court. I can be perfectly happy living with someone without the government’s piece of paper that costs a fortune to get out of if it goes wrong.
I do get that it’s not supposed to go wrong if it’s a good relationship, but it’s amazing how people change and do things you never expect. Call me bitter or jaded, but after my divorce last summer, and my sister’s 15 year marriage ending in divorce this year…I’ll pass. I can be loved and in love without the government’s permission TYVM.
Jennifer´s last blog ..Birthdays, school, and moving
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I waited until my mid 30s to marry for the first (and only) time. I’d had a few “offers,” but hadn’t felt it would work. I knew within a short amount of time that there were problems in my marriage, but by then, I was 40, with two little ones, and simply accepted the way things were, since they were relatively calm.
The undoing and aftermath – even 8 years later – is still significant. The sort of situation that few people speak of, because there’s little to be done, so we might as well focus on the positive – like great kids!
In the early years after divorce, I didn’t think I’d ever trust again – and certainly never marry again. I have learned to trust, and I believe deeply in commitment, and would like the intimacy, shared play, and mutual respect that comes in true partnership. I’ve had a taste or two in the past few years.
But marry again? Never say never, but I cannot imagine tying myself up legally so that any other person has that much control over my life. I see no point, and I don’t think that has anything to do with love, commitment, or a desire to be a “family” with someone.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..“But Dad – you promised!”
Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
I’m absolutely up for trying marriage one more time. I think I’m much more aware now of what I want in a spouse and partner in life, which I really don’t think I was before.
Once the hurt and the pain goes away, and once true love enters your life and you feel like you’ve found what you’ve been looking for (which wasn’t there the first time around), then your mind becomes a lot more open to the possibilities of marriage.
Canadian Bald Guy´s last blog ..Survivor Samoa: Ep.02 – Knowing when to STFU.
Well, I would have to get a date first, huh?…
Don’t think it’ll happen again, simply for the finances part. My ex-husband got half of my retirement just bc of the number of years we were married, and even though he was an able-bodied employable person with a bachelor’s degree. The law is a bitch.
However, I also hate the thought of my ex being the only husband I will have ever had…
Who knows?
Twitter @ http://www.gymnotes
I just divorced in March. Last month, I found out that my ex husband had an 8 year affair that just ended. Bitter? Hell yes. Angry? There are no words. This was my kids’ babysitter, my housekeeper. I sat across from her and her family in church for 12 years of our marriage.
You would think I would never ever want to get married again.
I’ve been through a horribly draining divorce proceeding, and I lost MUCH.
Marriage is sort of like bad food poisoning. You loved sushi for a long time, and had one HORRID experience with food poisoning.
Do I want to eat sushi this year…or even next? No. No way….But I can guarantee you that some day, I will embrace and enjoy sushi again.
And so it is with marriage. Perhaps.
Twitter @ http://cat804.blogspot.com
I might after my son and any siblings (sperm donor for future kids) are grown. But not while I have kids. And if I do marry legally, it’ll be solely for any financial benefits- I’d rather just have a spiritual union and none of the legal mess.
Maybe my jaded-ness will wear off over time. But I’ve seen too many marriages fall apart, including my own, to trust it as an institution.
Cat´s last blog ..My Brother
Twitter @ http://crazycomputerdad.blogspot.com
MindyMom and I seem to be living parallel lives. Eerily similar.
Dr. Leah has me doing deep belly laughs about her comment.
My first thought when I read my quote was “Wow, the Internet doesn’t forget anything.” They say Google is forever.
Mindymom really said it well, I live MY life. Last summer was a bit strange and different for me. One thing I had made up my mind about though was that I wanted to spend some time on just me and not be in any relationships. I really wanted to enjoy what I like to do, and even figure out what I like to do. How can anyone else figure out what makes me tick if even I don’t know. How can I know anyone else if I don’t really even know myself? I also wanted to make sure that I stayed ‘available’ for the relationship I wanted if it ever came by.
Like most of the people that have commented, I have been keenly hurt by the end of my marriage. I don’t want to go through that again. But a relationship, a strong one, LOVE, is different from marriage. Marriage is a legal union with tax benefits. Love is that elusive bond we too often confuse with marriage. Many other people have mentioned commitment and I certainly echo that. Love and commitment are what marriage is supposed to be about, but if it ends the legal process can become a wicked weapon wielded years into the future, binding and limiting our freedom from a dissolved and often betrayed emotional bond.
So when this amazing woman put something in my coffee on a coffee date back in December 2008…she also spoke some sort of incantation…it went something like “Next time we go out, lets not do lunch or dinner, lets go outside and do something like bike riding.” I’ve been bound ever since. I really didn’t see that coming. She calls herself SGG, some kind of voodoo witchdoctor name.
So, Love and Commitment, yes. Marriage will have to see over time and discussion with SGG. Right now, we are just happy to have a little energy for each other at the end of each week! And this week I’m SICK!
Nope — I have too many issues with marriage, starting with my own parents unhappy marriage right down to their nasty divorce.
Nicole´s last blog ..Duice
Welcome to Singlemommyhood, Nicole! Divorced parents can definitely sour our own attitudes about marriage. Thanks for joining the conversation.
Mrs. V: Thanks for generously sharing what happened …what a betrayal. I’m rooting for you! Of course, I may never look at sushi quite the same way again – ha, ha.
I’m always rooting for you @Crazy Computer Dad. I’m glad I made you laugh. Feel better!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemomsaves.com
I really want to get remarried. My first marriage lasted 1.5 years and we only had a civil ceremony, so I didn’t have the wedding of my dreams. Call me dreamy, but I’d still like to have that someday with someone special. I’d also like to have another child and I will not have a child out of wedlock.
I’m not against having children out of wedlock, but I think there’s a greater chance that should my second marriage end in divorce, the dad will be there for our child just like in my first marriage. Having both parents in my child’s life is extremely important to me, and I think dads (or moms in come cases) have a higher level of commitment to kids when they have had children with their wives versus having children with women who are just girlfriends.
(I know this was supposed to be about marriage, but I can’t think about marriage without thinking about having more kids!)
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Mydria: We hear you about being dreamy! Dream on… And thank you for bringing up the wish to have another child –and seeing marriage as crucial if this is going to happen. For many of single moms out there, that is all part of a future vision. Hold true to that.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Nope, never again. I’ve had my bitter phase, I’ve had my fear phase, and now I’ve reached a truly peaceful phase of loving my life as a single person.
Marriage is fine for some people, but truthfully, I never really wanted to get married, and just thought that was the next step that I was supposed to do. (I actually did things out of order anyway, because we didn’t get married until I was 7 months pregnant with our second child.)
I don’t think just fear or bitterness keeps one from getting married. The majority of households in America are now unmarried. Like the majority of Americans, my life is already full of love!
April´s last blog ..totally f**ed
My daughter’s dad and I were never married. I’ve never been married to anyone and I’m 31.
I used to waiver back and forth.
Right now I’m so comfortable and happy with the partner I have and I realized to me we can carry on our lives and we can have children even with or without the marriage certificate because in the end its the love and comittment we share with one another that matters most.
I do really want to experience the big white dress though. Oddly, not so much the big huge wedding with all friends and family. Something small and I don’t want a reception.
We’ve been discussing this a lot lately.
Kari´s last blog ..Getting Healthy!
Oh, Kari: The big white dress! I can see it all now. You looking amazing just surrounded by a few close friends and family.
April: My life is already full of love . . . so beautifully said. Thank you!
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
I’ve had many bad falls: I’ve been in three skiing/snowboarding accidents that have caused a major ACL reconstruction, displace wrist joint and stitches in my head. Yet, I love it, I still do this sport but with more caution.
I’ve been bicycle accidents where blood had gushed out out of me. Even had the wind knocked out. Yet, I still ride my bike–but with caution.
I’ve been in car accidents and had to be sent to the hospital. Yet, I still drive, but with caution.
I’ve been hurt badly by my ex-husband. Very badly–we had to hire three different lawyers–criminal, family law for both California and Colorado. I was afraid that my child would be taken away from me. Yet, I persevere. I refused to believe that all men are bad or that I’m doomed for a good marriage. I will proceed but with caution.
Avigail74´s last blog ..Gypsy Family
One important question to ask yourself and reflect on is “What did I learn from my last marriage – that ended in divorce?”
My ex wife said to me that she will never get married again. And I suppose I do not blame her for her attitude. Though she is happy with a new boyfriend she has been through two marriages (last with me) that ended in divorce.
She is afraid that she will make the same mistakes again, and she probably would.
The trick is to learn from Our mistakes.
“Life will keep on giving you the same lesson, again and again and again until we learn from it”
So have You learnt from your previous relationship/marriage?
Ask yourself
“Where did I go wrong?”
“What did I allow that I should not have?”
“What values/hobbies/activities that are important to me that I am not prepared to give up on?”
“What will I do differently next time?”
When you can answer these questions and have learnt from your past then its very unlikely that you will make the same mistakes again.
So before you go rushing to re marry it’s worth taking the time to learn from the experience.
Warmest Regards
Christina Andrews
Co Founder SPU – Single Parents University
Never. Never. Never. They can put that in my divorce agreement. I’m still in the middle of being divorced.
I met him at 24, married at 28. Now I’m 50 and cast aside like rubbish, after more than 21 years. I trusted my husband, believed in him, and was bonded to him in total commitment. I respected him and understood that he was too good a person to lie, cheat, and deceive me.
Well all of that was just a joke on me, and on our two children, 12 and 14, who get to witness this hideous end to what was once a loving relationship. I worry what lessons they will take away from watching the way their father has behaved. Of course I am careful never to criticize his disgusting behavior to our children. I know what damage that can do. The children aren’t stupid, though; they understand much more than they let on.
Why would I ever put myself into a situation like that again. I trusted him completely, and I was betrayed by him completely. And then, to add insult to injury, I was kicked aside like a piece of rubbish because he was “done with me.” Thanks, but no thanks, ever again.