On a side note, I have a facebook account and on a whim I looked him up. His account was not set to private. His sister posted a ton of pictures of her brother, my son’s father, from when he was younger. I was able to pull these pictures and save them for my son for when he is older. It is really uncanny to see the similarities between the two. I knew my son was the spitting image of my ex, but seeing pictures of my ex at the same age of my son, I was blown away !!! I had never seen most of these pictures and obviously I did not have copies of any of his pictures from when my ex was younger. I was thrilled to be able to have these for my son and will give to him once I think it is appropriate. Just another puzzle piece for my son – he will be able to see himself in these younger pictures of his father.
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra $1250 to pay towards debt !!!

I do think that it is important that you are honest with your son, though. My ex did disappear and I had no idea how to contact him. It caused issues with my daughter because she thought I was just preventing him from contacting her. After months of this, I finally got on the phone with her father’s parents and let her hear them refuse to tell me how to contact him. Then the anger subsided and we were able to talk about it. I didn’t like having to do that but the resentment and anger that had built up because she thought I was lying was worse than the truth, in my opinion.

However, I also had to deal with my own feelings of anger and betrayal on her behalf. I was angry that he was doing this to his daughter. I was resentful of the fact that he could just move on with his life without looking back. It was only after I’d dealt with that I was able to help my daughter deal with it.

My son seemed content with this. It has been years since I told my son this, since he is now 13, but he knows that it what happened. He also knows my ex now has a wife and a daughter. I tell my son that when he is older he can contact his father on his own. Whether that will be when he is 15 or 16 or 18, I am not sure. We have mutual friends, so I have contact information for him. I do not want to be in the middle of it, mainly out of fear of rejection for my son is the reason I want to wait until he can really handle rejection (can anyone really “handle” rejection- but at least understand that is a possibility). I have never said anything bad about my ex to my son- in fact I let my son glorify the image of his father. For example my ex is a welder- when i tried to describe this to my son, who was 5 at the time, I broke it down and told him that he helps build boats. My son in turn was very proud to tell his friends that his father builds boats. He did not feel left out when kids were talking about their dads.

It has to be really difficult for the child to have had the father there for some time, before disappearing. I would tell your son that his father wasn’t ready to be his dad like he needed and deserved and that you have enough love to be both mom & dad to him. Don’t get upset when talking to him- he will take a cue from emotions. One thing I never wanted is my son to be scared to talk to me about his father, thinking that he would make me upset or mad that he asked anything. Situation is a little different since my son is 13, but make sure you keep communicating with you son and tell him it is okay if he has questions and that you will answer as best you can. I didn’t want my son to think that it he asked questions or expressed disappointment that he father was not around that it would hurt me. Boys (girls’ too) protect their moms and if they think you will be upset at the very mention of the father, they will not come to you and in turn may develop a wrong idea of what happened and may think it is their fault. Always let them know that they can talk to you about anything and that you will be as honest (only as appropriate for their age) as you can.

Good luck !! It will get better- I promise !!
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra $1250 to pay towards debt !!!

Not sure being that blunt is appropriate, but as I have some experience with an Ex who’s checked-out more often than checked-into her son’s life, there is nothing like honesty coming from the parent who is there every day. It may be like ripping a scab off, but the healing begins immediately after.

Cover this little boy in love. I’m sure you do already. But he needs it now more than ever.

I’m also hoping there is a solid male presence in his life. If his cretin-father never shifts, at least your son will have the positive experience of a sensitive, caring, and responsible male role-model to guide him.
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In some ways, it’s so much more difficult to deal with than a clean break. You are left with a series of ifs, maybes, disappointments, manipulation – a sort of abandonment that is no less stark than what you describe here, but more insidious. The child is a puppet; the emotional strings are pulled by an irresponsible or narcissistic puppeteer.

I have no answer; only the often heart-wrenching reality of a lifetime of damage control.
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