How to marry the wrong guy
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Tips & Advice
Most women (and men) who want to cancel their weddings don’t.
“I couldn’t believe how many people confessed that they knew they were making a mistake as they were walking down the aisle,” says Anne. “I had people of all ages tell me this over and over again. They’ve said ‘I do’ — when they really wanted to scream ‘I don’t’.”
Anne quickly realized how many people are stuck in unhappy, unhealthy relationships as well. “They know it’s wrong, yet they stay. I wanted to find out why.”
She spells out these universal reasons in her new book, How to Marry the Wrong Guy: A Guide for Avoiding the Biggest Mistake of Your Life, co-authored with Jennifer Gauvain, a marriage and family therapist.
Their book shares the real life stores of men and women who married the wrong guy or girl. “Our hope is that people will recognize their own unhealthy reasons for remaining in a relationship that is wrong for them,” says Jennifer. “We also wanted to show them what happens after you marry the wrong person in the hopes that it will give them the courage to get out—before it is too late.”
After talking to hundreds of divorced women and men, the authors estimate that three out of ten divorced people will admit they knew they were making a mistake as they were walking down the aisle. Do you agree or disagree?
On that note, we’re giving away TWO copies of How to Marry the Wrong Guy.
Here’s what we’d love to know:
Did you know you were making a mistake as you were walking down the aisle?
Why did you say “I do?”
~~~
If the above doesn’t apply to you, try this:
Are you currently stuck in a relationship that is going no where? Why are you staying?”
“It starts when you say yes to a second or third date with a guy who you know is not right for you,” says Anne. “Unfortunately, the same eight or nine reasons keep smart women in doomed-from-the-start relationships. Have you done this? Are you in the wrong relationship now? Why are you staying?”
Want more? Please visit How to Marry the Wrong Guy here.
This contest is open through Oct. 23.
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Sadly, I completely relate to this. My ex-husband and I started having ‘issues’ in our relationship before our wedding but somehow, we still ended up exchanging vows. I remember the morning of the wedding – telling myself that it was too late to change my mind. That bad habit took over that many of us have – putting others before ourselves! I think, for me at least, there was this fear of not being able to find anyone else. I was in a place that allowed me to think “this is as good as it’s going to get.” Sometimes, love just isn’t enough…
HipM0M77´s last blog ..How Will We Love?
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
Yep. I actually tried to give the ring back a couple of weeks before the wedding, but I allowed my now exhusband to talk me out of it.
In my situation, I knew I wasn’t in love; knew I was making a mistake. But I’d just been through a VERY trying year. Nine people in my family had died or been diagnosed with cancer, including my mom. And my dad (a long time alcoholic/addict) was in the process of hitting his rock bottom. I simply did not have the emotional strength to add a breakup onto that pile. And, while I wasn’t in love with my ex at that point, he was my best friend, and I *needed* him through that time.
And so… I put the ring back on and took my vows.
Martini Mom´s last blog ..I’ve written a post about a tshirt. Again.
I did! I felt it was too late, the invites were out. I was caught up in everything. I am still glad I did because I have an irreplaceable daughter!
I knew I was making the wrong decision when I said yes to his proposal. A little voice inside my head was saying, “You can’t hurt his feelings and say no!” I had 3 YEARS to correct this before the wedding, and I didn’t. I had 10 years after that to end it, but I didn’t until I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve spent almost half of my life unhappy because I couldn’t hurt someone’s feelings. How messed up is that?
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
We had a feeling that some of you would relate. Thanks!
@Anna: we get it. It can be painful to know that you’re hurting someone’s feelings — even if you DO know in the long run, what’s best.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
This is exactly what I’m talking about when I say we need to stop focusing on love, dating and marriage so much! Girls are pressured from way too early an age to fantasize about their wedding day, that it’s the closest thing to being a fairy-tale princess that they can be. We have commercials showing off “videos” of proposals where the women are jumping up and down, and crying.
They act like they won the lottery!
And people get all offended if you talk about pre-nups or other activities that would really prepare us for this endeavor.
The vows should have more to do with the actual legal meaning of that certificate; that you’re now legally responsible for each other’s debts, that this person is automatically entitled to half of your assets…
Okay, sorry. Went off on one of my rants there.
Yes. The answer is yes, I knew it was a mistake. I figured that by being pregnant with our 2nd child meant that the marriage certificate didn’t mean anything either way. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
April´s last blog ..Just a quick hello
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@April: rant away! We welcome it.
It’s so true that girls are taught early on to fantasize about their wedding day.
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
Ahh…So true for me. My husband and I BOTH fully admit to, on our wedding day, wanting to put things on hold. The major reason we did not call it off was due to the fact that I was pregnant with our daughter. Everyone kept saying “you know, just because you are pregnant, doesn’t mean you have to get married.”
Sometimes, I wish we had listened. Others – I realize how much valuable information I have learned about myself during my unhealthy relationship.
Yes, I have stayed due to a lot of unhealthy reasons but I have done so also (with the aide of counseling) to learn about myself and not make the same mistake twice.
We have just decided to seperate.
StudentMama´s last blog ..Separate but not?
Twitter @ spingleparenttvl
OK, I am not buying this for one second and to be frank, it pisses me off when people say that.
No, there was something that made you want to make it work–good looks, lots of money, great sex, sense of humor, common interests, a daddy with a big gun..whatever!
Why is it now that so many people (after it is done) are so quick to say it was a mistake? WHy are you so willing to write off one HUGE part of your life? Are you THAT poor of a judge of character?
No, it is just an excuse and an internal method to justify a divorce.
No matter how acrimonious, I say you accept it for what it is. There was something there and you cannot deny that. And now there is not.
John Frenaye´s last blog ..The Power Of A Child’s Word
Twitter @ Jennsplace
I knew it was wrong before he proposed and told a friend of mine if he did ask while I was on vacation with him that I would say no. I didn’t say no because I felt bad, and instead we eloped and I came back from vacation married! I didn’t even have a big wedding to cancel as my excuse not to go through with it. I did it because I thought I could make it work and that it would fix things between us. I also did it for financial security. It only took 3 months to bring up separation and 9 months for us to separate for real. Our divorce came two years and one child later!
If I had to do it over, I would have probably said yes to the proposal so as not to ruin the vacation, but I would NOT have eloped and instead broke off the engagement later.
The thing that really gets me is that my wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. I had no doubt I would spend the rest of my life with the love of my life.
Now I have to reconcile that with knowing that I will in fact have to deal with her for the rest of my life because of our children despite the fact that she is no longer (or never was) the woman I fell in love with so long ago. She broke my heart and my trust and some days I wish I had never met her.
The thought of that fantasy wedding with all of the trimmings makes me ill. I would definitely prefer to elope next time around. I don’t want any comparisons or flashbacks running through my head and I want it to be just about us.
Twitter @ http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/
I knew. I really felt like I didn’t have a choice. Like a stray cat that won’t go away after you feed them, I wanted to break up with him so many times but he just wouldn’t leave so I finally gave in. I did care about him and felt an obligation to take care of him. He needed me and I liked that. The really scary thing is that I even knew how it would end. I told myself that I was stronger than I was…that I could handle it…that this was the best I could hope for…that I could MAKE it work. Just a couple of weeks after the wedding I remember locking myself in the bathroom and crying because it finally sank in that I couldn’t do it. I wanted to leave that night but I was too embarrassed. I remember asking myself how long was a respectable amount of time before giving up. 1 year? 3 years? 5 years? We separated a month after our fifth anniversary.
The thing is, to spare myself the embarrassment of admitting what a mistake I had made and the guilt of turning my back on someone who needed me, I wound up bringing two innocent children into the world and causing them to suffer all this. I’m glad that I have my children and I can’t imagine life without them, but I still feel guilty about making the choices that brought them into this situation.
Now I find myself in a situation with a guy where I’m the one who needs him. I don’t want to, but I have come to rely on him a lot. And my children absolutely adore him. Once again, I feel like I have no control over the situation. I feel trapped by the fact that my children are so enamoured with him. He swears that I am “the one” for him and I don’t want to break his heart. I don’t feel as wrong about this relationship as the one with Ex, but I’m not sure either. We’ve been dating for a year so I feel like I should be sure one way or the other and I’m just not. I’m trying to learn from my mistakes and not do anything stupid. Sometimes though, it feels like every day that I let it go on is stupid. Other days, I realize that I’m happy in the relationship now, it’s just the thought of committing for the rest of my life that freaks me out so there’s nothing wrong with just rolling with it for now.
Maybe I REALLY need to read this book!
wondermom´s last blog ..My head’s about to explode!!!
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
I LOVE LOVE LOVE their BOOK! It really is a guide on how to pay attention to what you really NEED & WANT in partner/lover/spouse and not to settle. It is a reminder to listen to your heart and your head!
They will be on LoveTALK November 10th LIVE!
Lovebabz´s last blog ..LOVETALK RADIO OCTOBER 2009 SCHEDULE
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
I knew by the 3rd or 4th date that my ex was not for me, but I stayed. When we had a surprise pregnancy a year and a half later, I pressured him in to marriage, though I didn’t want to be with him for the rest of my life, nor he with me. (Thankfully he did not cave to the pressure!)
For me, the physical and emotional attention he gave me in the beginning felt so good, and I was in the middle of a family crisis, so I didn’t want to let go of that comfort blanket. 6 months in he turned into every other guy I had dated; verbal abuse, cheating, disrespect and the list goes on. It was all I had ever known, and it was comfortable and seemed better than being alone at the time. Though I know now that it wasn’t easier at all.
More than anything I think it was insecurity about me, fear of the unknown and the desire not to be alone that kept me there…I hope I never again fall into that trap.
Samantha´s last blog ..Single Moms are Bad Friends
Twitter @ Jennsplace
I just wanted to add that I did love my ex-husband when I married him. I re-read what I wrote and sounded like I didn’t really care for him, but I did know he wasn’t ‘the one’ when I did it. I was still devastated when we separated! I just didn’t trust my instincts and assumed that because he wasn’t like my past bad-boy BFs that my instinct was totally off with him. I figured I was afraid of committing to a good guy and we’d work it out. So I learned that just because they’re not a ‘bad boy’ it doesn’t mean the good guy is the right one for me.
I knew marrying my daughter’s father was the wrong thing to do. I told him no repeatedly when he asked me. His parents were putting pressure on us to get married because I was pregnant. Finally, two weeks after she was born, he asked me to marry him again…begged might be a better word. I was tired, in pain (c-section) and trying to take care of a newborn by myself (he was in the Army and in another state). I told him that if he had a justice of the peace there when he came home on leave, I’d marry him. That was all it took. All I had to do was show up with a dress. His family did the rest. Next thing I knew, we were married and I was planning a move to Germany. I tried to make it work, but the issues never went away. Even that day, I knew I shouldn’t do it…but I couldn’t bring myself to stop it. I was too tired to resist.
I firmly believe that you should not make any life altering decisions within a year of having a baby or having a death in the family.
Today I might say that I knew. At the time it was all a whirlwind and there was no way you could have talked me out of it.
I agree with not making life altering decisions so soon after a baby or a death. Shall we add after moving to another country to live with someone you met on the internet, within months of meeting them?
Lesson learned.
jaime´s last blog ..There are things I miss.
@ StudentMama Quite a story. We wish you well. Can’t help asking …what are studying?
@John Frenaye All points of view welcome here. Thank you!
@Jennifer There’s just something about a vacation that can fool with our heads – interesting tale. Sounds like things are coming together for you – we’re glad. We understood that you were devastated. So many conflicting emotions.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I was far too young and naive when I got married. I met my now ex husband at the age of 18 and married him at 20 then gave birth to our 1st child at 21.
I didn’t know then that I was making a poor choice in a husband but with that ‘mistake’ came my first 3 wonderful kids. I wouldn’t have them if not for him but the price has been very high for choosing who I did. Unfortunately I still have to spend a good part of my life dealing with the consequences of my poor choice in men. But at least I DO know better now!
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Single Mom’s Open Letter to President Obama
John, I take issue with your comments. An excuse to justify my divorce? No, I am admitting that there were red flags from the beginning, and that I didn’t listen to my own true self, and that this contributed to the problems in my marriage. I am not “writing off” the ten years that I was married and the 3 years before. We had some great times together, and we created a wonderful, funny, bright little boy that I wouldn’t give up for anything. I tried to make it work to the best of my ability, but no one is perfect. The point of this post is that some of us recognize that we had some doubts, misgivings or signals from the beginning that we ignored, and that more people should REALLY THINK before going through with a wedding when they may have second thoughts.
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
@Dr. Leah: My degree is in Business Management. I have 2 more terms and I (should) graduate! Very excited!
Thank you for the well wishes.
StudentMama´s last blog ..Separate but not?
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I agree completely with APRIL.
This sounds like a useful book. Maybe it should be given out to HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR GIRLS? Or earlier?
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans…
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
A quick PS – this notion of “The One” is a definite problem in this country, and perpetuated by all forms of media. Why not “many possible great duos” at various points in time? Isn’t that saner – and really – more accurate??
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans…
I knew something wasn’t right, but as stated before marriage fixes it all, right??? Cinderella and the happily ever after??? Fairy tales do have a lot to answer for.
I was convinced that the “issues” we had would be solved by being married as if that cake we shoved in each other’s face was some magic elixer that would fix things. I also felt guilty about having doubts. The money and time spent, what would people think if I backed out, etc. I’ve written posts on this fairy tale mentality before and here was my ending statement to the post.
“I want my daughter (and my son too) to grow up believing in themselves, knowing that they can be their own rescuer, that they don’t need someone else to save them or complete them or any of those other “gotta be a couple to be complete” lessons. I want being part of a couple to be an “extra”, something they choose to be a part of because they enjoy it, not something that “completes” them.”
CJ´s last blog ..She’s Baaaaack
That’s a good point CJ but be careful they don’t end up so independent they forget how to depend on someone else once in while.
My ex is so independent she never asks for help and she has no idea how to be there for anyone other than herself. It’s like she lives in her own universe and she gets to choose what happens in it.
@Steve Our ex’s should get together. Reality plays no part in his world view either. I understand what you’re saying though. They need to trust and depend on others sometimes, but I don’t want them to give up who they are or what they believe in just to be part of a couple. That’s not healthy for anyone involved (I speak from experience here.) I want them to understand the difference between depending on and being dependent on. It may be a fine line, but it has huge implications.
CJ´s last blog ..She’s Baaaaack
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I’m with CJ actually – and this would make A GREAT POST I think – what men and women both find to be appropriate independence / dependence. This came up in my marriage. I never got his POV on the subject. He never got mine.
I believe in independence, and interdependence. But I think men and women have very different views on this. MORE GUIDANCE FROM ANYONE?
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Pseudonymphomania
oooooo, start typing BLW. I wanna read that post and all the comments
CJ´s last blog ..She’s Baaaaack
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
Yes, thanks BLW, I just started to type out a post re: independence/dependence. Great topic! We’ll give you the head’s up when it’s going to run — and credit you for the inspiration.
I love your topic, sounds very interesting…I must buy one of your book and learn more from you…Thanks
Twitter @ solomother
I love this topic. I knew I was making a mistake when I married the ex, but honestly? I didn’t believe there was anyone out there for me. I figured I’d make this one work somehow. I didn’t know what love is about, nor marriage nor partnership, and neither did he.
I’m almost 42 and it’s taken me this long to feel and understand what it means to be cared for by a partner. As in valued, respected, protected, supported, inspired, adored. If I went through all those bad relationships in order to truly experience one amazing one, then I’d do it all again.
Christina´s last blog ..Skin Care: Are Toners Necessary?