any advice

Here’s my solution: When my Ex wants to do something or promise something, she has to clear it with me first. I then give her a window of 30 minutes and make secondary plans without telling my daughter. i.e. If mom shows up, then my daughter is surprised, if she doesn’t then I am the only one disappointed and my daughter is never the wiser.

If my Ex promises something to my daughter without clearing it with me first, I then say, “PERHAPS or MAYBE she’ll do so-and-so but we will not get our hopes up. Ok?” I lower expectations.

For example (my Ex does this all the time): Caitlyn will tell me, mom’s going to have lunch with me on Wednesday this week. I say, “MAYBE she will have lunch with you, but we will not get our hopes up ok? Go stand in the lunch line and don’t wait on her. If she shows, eat with her, if not eat with your friends. I don’t even care if you buy the lunch and she shows up, you can throw away your bought lunch ok?”

In truth she never shows up–heart breaking I know. In fact, I have asked her not to tell her but just surprise her–she still continues to make empty promises.

Last point, when I hear about it later, I don’t make a big deal about it. “Dad, mom didn’t show up for lunch today.” “That’s why we made a plan for you to buy just in case.” After 11 years, my daughter knows who main parent is, she doesn’t need me bad mouthing my Ex to come to that conclusion.
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Showing that you are hurt for the child and THEIR loss can be a comfort to a child, however disparaging the other parent because you are hurt or angry doesn’t bring any comfort to the child and that should be the desired focus, the comfort and well being of the child.

Whether either parent likes it or not the father and mother are BOTH a part of the child and when one parent belittles or vilifies the other parent to the child this actually hurts the child and his/her own self image seeing that most children derive their identity in part from their parentage.

When your “Co-Parent” behaves badly, the other parent should be there to support, comfort, and love their child through it without attacking the Co-parent in front of the child. Then it is important for that parent to find others who understand and support him/her so that they CAN safely vent and find help themselves in carrying the burden of the pain brought on by the other parent.

I and my husband are both Co-Parents and have and still do deal with difficult “Co-Parenting” issues, however as we have grown we have begun to understand that our children’s burdens in life are great enough being a child of divorce and that we need to put them and their feelings before our own.

They will see the truth of things when they are grown, though this truth May be different from ours since they are seeing through less bias eyes.

But this is shaky ground. You come across too harsh and the kids may feel that they have to pick sides. Defend Dad against Mom. Which is very bad.

In my situation. I have chosen to never say a bad word about her decisions. Ever.

I focus on the positives. Speak the truth in a positive light and let her air out her own dirty laundry all by herself.

When it comes to this kind of story though. I would make it clear that she shouldn’t cancel anything for him, until he says that he will. Teach that a “maybe” is neither a yes or a no.

Until he says yes, it really is a no.
Travis´s last blog ..Love Is a Battlefield… Oh… A Battlefield…

My solution? He gets him one less day before Christmas this year. You hijack my weekend, I hijack yours.

However, never in a million years will I tell my son how angry I am with his father for being such an a-hole. That’s my “relationship” with my ex, not his with his father’s. I can share my emotions with my friends and family, but I am the adult here, and I don’t want my emotions to influence his relationship with his dad.

When his dad starts making promises that I know he can’t keep, I say, “Don’t” and cut him off. He’s starting to understand that until you know for sure it’s going to happen, you don’t say anything.

Suggestion? Ask the father not to share plans directly with the daughter. That way mom can control if and when she lets the daughter know about dad’s plans (surprises are ALWAYS better than disappointments). If he won’t do that, ALWAYS follow up a contact with dad by asking about plans, and making sure the daughter understands that NOTHING is set in stone.

Unfortunately, that assumption isn’t always the way it is. There are cases (many) where one of the parents is excellent at manipulating everyone (including a judge), and the result is that the other parent, fully aware of this, is left with damage control at every turn.

Judges are overworked and looking for worst case scenarios (typically physical abuse). Short of that, THEY make assumptions, readily accept untruths, and it leaves the other parent and children with a legacy that is a fine line to walk.

There’s no “win” situation here for anyone, and the legal system is of no use. The only possibility is to manage an unmanageable situation that you are never in control of. That means exercising judgment and walking that fine line between honest preparation and damage control with children, and still allowing for the fact that any child wants to love both parents. You have to find a way for both, if possible. Not always possible, but we tend to try.
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