Comments on: Does co-parenting mean a trip to Disney World with my ex?

By: Penni

Penni — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 14:19:08 +0000

Hi,
I enjoyed reading these and now I have another scenario for you. I am a single struggling mom, since 2002, who met a great man and have been dating just shy of a year. Never been on vacation with my kids. My ex and his wife have been married for several years and live in another state. They are well off with 2 homes and travel a lot. He does not travel here to see his kids though. He sees them on court ordered vacation times and that’s it..as much as he knows he is welcome and so is his wife anytime. So, my boyfriend offered to take us to Disney…I think my children asking every couple of weeks when and if we were ever going to go was a great motivator. I still have yet to tell my children we planned to take them in March.
I made an agreement years ago with my ex that if we ever go to Disney we would do it together (his idea). I felt that I should follow through with my word. So, long story short I invited he and his wife this past summer to join us in March…the answer was no and of course he doesn’t remember the agreement. So, they decided to send a Christmas present to my girls…tickets to Disney in Febuary, a month earlier. I acted excited but I felt that I was stabbed in the back. They knew how important it was for me to be a part of their first time…for whatever reason and I am sure there are many, it is SO important to me. To top it off, that is my vacation week with them not his..and he never talked about it with me to see if we had plans. They also don’t know my boyfriends financial situation…he is blessed and thankful for it. I expressed my feelings and followed with…my boyfriend and I are going down a day earlier with the girls and he could meet us for dinner the night they get off the plane or meet up after and the kids can go with them.(note: he has never met the new man in their lives) They said no and cancelled their whole trip….at least that is what they said. My kids don’t know it yet. I feel like that was such a low move on their part and obviously it was important for him to share their first time with them…as much as he doesn’t want to admit it. I have stood my ground and have a lot of support from my family and friends. I am done with him walking all over me in his manipulative ways. Now I have to tell my children. Should I set this boundary with them and have fun with my kids and stay a few extra days. HELP! They would still have their time they planned minus a couple of hours.

By: Mydria

Mydria — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:05:36 +0000

Ah, the Disney World dilemma…I’ve longed for an agreement with my ex that we would celebrate big events for my son together, such as birthday parties and his first time at Disney Land/World (similar to nostringsattached’s situation). So I was livid when I found out that my ex had already taken our son to Disneyland…and didn’t even tell me until a year later when I just happened to bring up the idea of going together! Clearly, my ex is not big on communication, and because of it, we never spend time together with our child, even though I’d like to.

My advice? Say yes if you already have a good relationship and have discussed going to Disney World together in the past (although I guess you already took him there together when your son was a child). Otherwise, I’d say no…going to Disney World together for a whole day is a big deal for a divorced couple, and it takes baby steps (like to birthday party) to build up to a trip like that!

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 11:06:14 +0000

Greentree: Welcome to Singlemommyhood. This is a difficult and painful situation. We hope it works out in the best possible way. Do keep us posted.

By: Greentree

Greentree — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 02:40:25 +0000

I will through a huge wrench in this for you. I am planning a vacation to Disney with my kids (3 and 7) and my ex’s sister’s family (her hubby, their 4, 5 and soon to be new born). My parent’s have a timeshare and they are going as well to relax and help with the kids. This is all WITHOUT the ex. The sisters will probably never talk again after what my ex did and how she has acted. But, the sister is probably the closest friend I have and has been/was a rock for me during the divorce.

The sister was the last blood relative that my ex had in her life now the only people she has in her life are friends that she has made in the last 2 years or so. Ironically enough, she says that she began “falling out of love” with me starting about 2 years ago when these people started coming into her life.

This will probably start world war III won’t it.

By: bb

bb — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 16:41:15 +0000

I cannot even begin to fathom a trip together with my ex. He was able to say in close confined spaces in front of my child that he thinks its best that he doesn’t see them at all. I just recently started looking up single parent blogs and this is one of the best ones. Kudos

By: BigLittleWolf

BigLittleWolf — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 20:58:07 +0000

I’d like to say something to Jeff. Before I got to the final comments, I was going to say – do whatever might be the easiest and most relaxed scenario for your little boy. Four is still so young, and I would think it would be confusing if after a family party you then traveled all together on his actual birthday.

I also can understand the mom’s feelings. It is an odd request except for one thing – I know how painful it is wanting to be with your child on his ACTUAL birthday, regardless of the date of the party. Perhaps the thought of not being with him on that day is just very hard for her.

I guess I would’ve thrown the following on the table – some way for the two of you to spend the day with him together (not Disneyland) – and one of you take him there on an alternate day.

But here you are, Jeff, astounding me. First of all, I am so impressed to see the quality of thoughtfulness you’ve put into this entire decision – trying to take into account everyone’s feelings. I say impressed because so many parents – men and women both – don’t do that. It’s not intentional, but it happens all the time. And you’re truly thinking about what is best for your little one.

I can’t help but be reminded of Solomon, and of the parent who backs off for the best of the child. That is a gift of such love. All too rare, whatever your marital status.

What a lucky kid to have you. Both of you, I suspect.

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 17:59:27 +0000

Jeff: We’re so delighted that Singlemommyhood has been such a source of support for you. Please know that you are an especially valued and important member of our community. Please visit us often. And, of course, Happy Birthday to your little guy!

By: Jeff

Jeff — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 17:35:21 +0000

Wow, this is an amazing experience to behold all of your excellent advice and opinions, based on your experience and wisdom and thought into the matter. I thank each and every one of you for lending me your ear and your proverbial 2 cents. My ex wife re-iterated her request this past weekend and I still deflected the answer; she currently is not dating or in a relationship and I can’t help but wonder if she’d make the same request while she was seeing someone. Regardless, I am leaning now towards simply allowing her to take him herself. Her reasons as she stated them were that she did not want to miss seeing him at all on his actual birthday…which I can understand, however I don’t want to sacrifice my right to see him on his actual birthday either. The truth of the matter is, I don’t feel comfortable going, and I do find her request odd; in addition (a relatively recent development) I have begun to enter into a dating relationship with someone who has already seen first-hand the excellent rapport and dialogue of friendship and cooperation with my ex. But in fairness to her, I don’t want to push the boundaries and risk a new fragile relationship with the new woman either.
I am trusting my gut that perhaps a trip to Disney (despite being free on his actual birthday) is not worth the added complication, drama or suspense. Many of you mentioned that he may pick up on any anxiety felt by either parent and that is absolutely accurate, he is incredibly keen and very sensitive. We (my ex and I) see each other together with him twice a week to supervise his swim lessons, he can see the spirit of friendship we maintain to support him and his continued development as a happy, healthy child of two households. I must consider my own experience of how that day may go as well and consider taking him myself at a later date and allowing myself to enjoy it freely.

Thank you all for the advice and thoughts. This blog has truly been a treasure of support and information for me for the last year.

By: Martini Mom

Martini Mom — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 21:09:31 +0000

My ex and I both wanted to be present for our son’s first trip to Disneyland. We’ve always celebrated his birthday together, we all go trick-or-treating together, etc. So when talk of a Disneyland trip together came up, it wasn’t a leap and we were both perfectly comfortable with the idea. The plan was to meet up there; we weren’t necessarily going to travel together and we would’ve had separate hotel rooms. (In the end, my ex couldn’t get the time off work so he wasn’t able to go with us.)But this would’ve been no big deal for us, and not confusing to our son. He’s used to both parents being present for special occasions.

I think it REALLY depends on the families involved. In this case, it sounds like Dad is uncomfortable with it… so probably not the best idea.
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By: noringsattached

noringsattached — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:41:58 +0000

My ex and I divorced when our daughter was very young so when the time for her first Disneyland trip came-we agreed to go together. We set some clear boundaries and talked to our daughter about the trip beforehand and thankfully it went very well. I think if everyone is clear on the expectations and boundaries of the trip it can be a great experience for everyone involved.
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