Is it okay when your ex brings a date to school events?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Relationships, Tips & Advice
We heard from a divorced mom who needs your advice after what happened at her kindergartner’s recent Back to School Night.
So, here’s what she told us:
“It was a bit upsetting to be there alone,” she says. “But then 15 minutes into it, my uninvolved ex-husband decides to show up with his girlfriend. OMG!”
“My ex and I are not on speaking terms,” she adds. “We communicate only by email. We talk only when he wants to argue that his child support payments are too high.”
To be fair, this mom adds, “I know that his girlfriend tries to steer clear of our battles. We make every effort to be polite to each other.”
“But I had no idea that my ex would be bringing his girlfriend to Back to School Night. I don’t think she should have been there. I want to create some boundaries here. Is she now going to show up for every school function?”
This mom, however, also wonders: “Am I just being difficult? Should I just lay low and appreciate that she wants to be involved? Or is it crazy that he brings a date to school events?”
So, we’re wondering how you feel about 
“significant others” at school events.
Do you feel it’s appropriate for boy/girlfriends to attend school events?
Do you have the right to know if your ex is going to bring that new girl/boyfriend to your child’s school?
Would your ex honor your request to not invite the new “friend”?
(Photo courtesy of Bill Kravolec)
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What a great topic! Here are my thoughts (and you know from me it will be lengthy lol):
Do you feel it’s appropriate for boy/girlfriends to attend school events? Most of the time no but it depends on the dynamics of the relationships as well. Have they been together 6 years, 3 months… what is the event? How do the parents get along. More importantly how does the kiddo feel about it? Maybe that is the question parents should be asking themselves before getting upset or even bringing along a boy/girlfriend.
Do you have the right to know if your ex is going to bring that new girl/boyfriend to your child’s school? Nope, you aren’t together anymore. Is it respectful and courteous to tell the other parent? Of course it is. This is really a two fold issue. The short of it is though is no you don’t have the RIGHT it isn’t a right (unless a judge ordered it of course, that being said you can see how silly that can be a judge ordering these types of things).
Would your ex honor your request to not invite the new “friend”? My ex is now married, things were not good between us before he met his now wife and no he would not have honored it, he also would and did not honor my requests when his now wife came into the picture. However, when I look back all those feelings and anger and things were mostly about me and how I felt threated by a woman in my daughters life. Sure I was concerned too that she was being exposed to different women and relationships but really the hostility it came from my fear of someone replacing me in my daughters world. Did I know that then? Nope! Am I ashamed to admit that it was mostly me? You bet your bippy I am, but its true.
Kari´s last blog ..Getting Healthy!
If it’s a new boy/girlfriend, obviously it’s not appropriate. (Would you call that a date?) If they had been seeing each other for more than a year and she was part of the child’s life – maybe, but still probably not.
The post made it sound like it was more about the relationship between the ex’s than about the child. I think she was there only for the ex-wife to see.
I have to agree with Kari. If the relationship isn’t serious I think it’s just inappropriate. If they’re serious and that person is taking an active role in the child’s life than yes.
Hey the sucky thing is that when you are no longer together you have no say so.
Mike´s last blog ..Life’s Tidbits
Twitter @ MominApt10b
I think my situation is very unique in that my child’s father left the country when I told him I didn’t want to get married.. And he’s not been even a constant in our life. No weekends or summers and such, with my daughter. So.. when I meet people and hear stories about the drama they go through with their ex’s, I tend to be a little judgmental and even annoyed with what I consider as petty stuff! So.
I don’t have a court order for child support & my kids is almost 16. He sends money, but at his discretion. Over the years, he’s called, and at one point when she was a toddler he was pretty consistent.. But always.. he’s had some woman living with him. She’d answer the phone and they even have those corny him/her voice mail greetings.. “This is Bobby & This is Sheila.. Leave a message!” That would irk me. Cause he’s such a dead beat and she’s got no clue.
But when it comes to my daughter.. Showing up! Would be such a treat that.. I can forgive and forget anything that isn’t detrimental to my child’s safety and well-being. I can’t spend any extra energy going nuts over who he’s with and what he’s doing with her. To me that sort of thing serves no purpose in the life of my child.
Everything I do and think and even feel most of the time, has my daughter’s best interest at heart.
I don’t get people who bicker and complain about petty stuff. And this… is petty to me. I would be thankful and glad that he showed up with someone that wants to be with him and support him and his relationship with my child. I’m just sayin’… Come on!! It’s time to let go of the superfluous nonsensical b.s. that we put each other through that serves no purpose. Ok.. pissed off-ness is a good reason to waste precious time and energy. Jealousy… If it’s in you. Get over it! Get mad at him and gripe about something real.
MEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM WOMEN!! They don’t think like we do. They don’t act like we do. So stop expecting them to do things the way we would do them. BE GLAD!! HE SHOWED UP. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU ANYMORE!! IT’S ABOUT THE CHILD(REN).
Amen.
JackiesMagic´s last blog ..unemployment birthday cake
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
Men and women don’t think alike, true. However, GOOD FATHERS just like GOOD MOTHERS put their children first. I know many single dads who are extremely thoughtful about the feelings of their kids, first and foremost.
If the mom is uncomfortable, the kids will feel it. It sounds like the presence of the girlfriend is unsettling (or embarrassing) to the mom. BAD CALL, Dad!!
There’s no way to stop this dad from doing what he did (I’ve lived this one) – and unless the girlfriend is a single mom, she won’t get that this is inappropriate.
But it may be one of those things this mom has to live with, at least for awhile. We can try to set boundaries of propriety and comfort for ourselves (in order to do so for our kids); it doesn’t always work. Sometimes, it means that we, the moms, back off ourselves, for the good of the children.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Remarriage Rules of Grammar: Past Imperfect, Future Conditional?
Twitter @ MominApt10b
I think IT doesn’t always work because there are folks who want to JUDGE.. what’s good, what’s bad, inappropriate behavior. I say STOP doing that. Stop teaching our children to judge and see what might be an innocent act or gesture as something inappropriate. Because what happens is.. eventually.. we will have to teach them or they will have to figure out how to UNDO their judging.. Then there could be this constant state of forgiving and apologizing and reconciling.. etc. PEACE, I believe is a worthy goal for our children.
JackiesMagic´s last blog ..unemployment birthday cake
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I agree with the consensus of comments here so far. It depends on the relationship. For all we know, the child BEGGED the girlfriend to come and so she did.
I doubt that most people would have a problem with it if the father had brought his new wife. She would be applauded for taking an interest in his child.
Maybe we should stop obsessing about the ring finger.
April´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up: finding emotional balance
This hits close to home for me. My ex ended up dating and marrying a teacher from my son’s school. I think bringing significant others to your children’s events should be discussed prior to the event. Then you have the opportunity to say ’sure, whatever’. You will come across as the bigger person.
cdn926: Wow! A sensitive topic for good reason. Parents dating teachers . . .we hear there’s a lot of that going around. So painful for you – we’re sorry.
April: So well put. May-be we should just stop obsessing about the ring finger. No doubt, lots of us are giving that suggestion some serious thought.
JackiesMagic: The problem with judging is that it gives the other person the same right to judge your life. I’m not sure this single mom wants us to judge. Just help her get her own head on straight about what happened at school. Nonetheless, we appreciate your reminder.
Mike: The dad perspective is always appreciated. And, of course, that is the “sucky thing” – no longer together often means no say so.
Phil: We were wondering the same thing. Was the girl friend brought along just so his ex got the message? Hmmm Only problem is . . .wWhat was the message?
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
First I would say examine your “REAL” issues. It’s not about the ex bringing a friend/partner/lover/whatever. I think its about the ex-spouse who is still struggling with being separated/divorced/unpartnered. It hurts when we think the “OTHER” has moved on and is living a seemingly happier life. Perhaps you could suggest that “we” don’t bring partners or signifcant others to “OUR” kids events. However I think in doing that is a way to control someone because you are not ready to accept the other spouse’s new reality. You gotta pull yourself together. I have been there and my ex was gracious and respectful. Then I realized I have to allow him to live his life and I live mine. I had to allow him the right to share our kids with his lady-friend. And for me it came down to the fact that the more love my kids get the better they are. If she loves my kids, then I have no problems with her…because at the end of the day its not about her or him, its about who I want to be moving forward.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..LOVETALK RADIO OCTOBER 2009 SCHEDULE
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
I absolutely think it depends on the relationship. I expect any man that I am serious about to want to be involved in my son’s life, and – since my son is a 2nd grader – school is a huge part of his life right now. I wouldn’t bring a guy I was “just dating” to a school function. But if we’re talking long term at all, then absolutely I would expect (require) a desire to be actively involved in my son’s life. I would hope that my ex would have the same standards for the women he’s with.
My boyfriend (step-dad to my son in every sense except the legal one, since we’re not married) has a standing open invitation to attend any event that involves my son. I talked about this with my ex ahead of time so that we could discuss any natural fears of being replaced that he might have, and so that I could reassure him that that was not my intent or my hope. And I always give my ex a heads up about those events my boyfriend will be attending.
On the flip side, my ex married a woman who confesses to not even liking children (and it’s apparent in her dealings with my son). I WISH that she was interested in taking on a more active role. In my opinion, if my ex is going to marry someone, it OUGHT to be someone who wants to be involved because that’s what’s in the best interest of my child. I would gladly deal with the potential initial discomfort of an extended parenting family. Instead, my son has a step-mom who would prefer he not be there.
However, I can recognize the vast differences between my own experiences and the one described in this post. I definitely think a heads up that her ex was bringing a date would’ve been appropriate and considerate. Still, I would like to suggest that a significant other who’s *earnestly* interested in your child’s life is not a bad thing.
Martini Mom´s last blog ..Doggie intertube
I think that no matter what – it’s not going to feel right if the Ex brings a date. (Hopefully the ex partner thinks about how the child will feel with the girlfriend there.) Whether bringing a date is appropriate or not is an irrelevant point – what matters is how a Woman/Mother handles the situation.
As Mothers we need to show our children how to handle uncomfortable settings and how to be polite. Hurt feelings aside, we need to hold our heads up and continue on with our childrens’ event.
We also have to remember that the event we’re attending has nothing to do with our child & spousal support/finances, old memories, old/new arguements, etc, and to just be there and be present for our little ones. If they’re meant to build a relationship with the new partner then it will happen.
In the end we have no control over the Ex, the new love interest, or how they behave, but we can make requests out of respect for each other and hope for the best. We can live in integrity.
Jenny´s last blog ..Stay Strong
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
The marriage is over—so let it go. Whatever the other parent does is absolutely out of your control–so it really doesn’t matter if it’s right or wrong. One of the first advice I give to newly divorced parents is to completely let go of control–and let the other parent do what he or she wants to do. The sooner the newly divorced parent is able to do that, the sooner s/he can move on. There will always be plenty of things that the other parent does that irks you beyond belief—gotta let that go too.
Two things I want to share:
I was one of those “other parents” that showed up at school functions–neither ex-wife nor child minded. I wanted to be involved in the child’s life–in fact, both were really appreciative of sharing me.
Secondly, it always sucks to see that other parnter—so gotta get over that too.
Avigail74´s last blog ..Gypsy Family
Jenny: Welcome to our community! Your thoughts add so much to our conversation. Especially “old memories” as they relate to what’s happening now for our kids. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective with us.
I can’t add much after what Jenny said.
I will say that once we divorce we have to let go of what we think our ex “should” or “shouldn’t” being doing.
The only thing in our control is what we do and doing whatever we do with integrity.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I don’t think this is judging. And this also has nothing to do with “the ring finger.” It has to do with what is comfortable for the CHILD.
And that’s all about the particulars of this kid, how long since the break up of the marriage, the relationships among the parties involved.
Many adult exes do not act like adults. It’s a problem. And even a bigger problem for the major events in kids’ lives that they spend years working towards or dreaming of – including graduations, special birthdays, bar & bat mitzvahs, performances, award ceremonies.
All it takes is one thoughtless ex (remarried or not) to put a damper on something that ought to be for and about the child. Adults should know better.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Fab date 1. Fab date 2. NO date 3. Just not that into me?
Cathy:Welcome to our Singlemommyhood community. Integrity – I really like that! Thanks for adding to this important conversation.
I say no. Unless they are soon-to-be-married, and the future step-parent wants to take an active role, it smacks of using school events as a forum to show off. And I don’t think it’s judgmental — co-parents should be able to be cognizant of each other’s needs and wishes in order to be able to function in the best interests of the child.
Twitter @ http://www.threeunder4whatwasithinking.blogspot.com
I agree with the posts about if the relationship is new, than no. But I must say… in this case, we have to remember to put ourselves in those shoes and if we were dating someone serious and they wanted to be a part of our childrens lives that it would be alright. What is good for us has to be good for them. Again, I don’t agree if this is a brand new girlfriend… and he should have let her known ahead of time. Even if they are not speaking the right thing to do was to email her to give her a heads up so it was not such a shock to the system.
Jolene´s last blog ..The Test
Jolene: Welcome to Singlemommyhood. We agree. An email heads up would have eased a lot of stress. Thanks for joining our conversation.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemomsaves.com
The same thing actually happened to me last year at my son’s preschool. It was the first event where we ever represented ourselves as our son’s parents, so I thought it should be just us – mom and dad, not mom and dad and girlfriend. But after talking to a friend of mine who is the “girlfriend” in her situation, she said that it’s important for the girlfriend to be there is she is playing an active role in my son’s life, which she is. This year when open house came around, I invited both of them to come, and when dad couldn’t make it, I asked if the girlfriend could come accompany me without him. It took me a while, but I finally got to that point. The girlfriend is pretty much like a stepmom to my son, and I don’t know what it’s like to be a kid with a stepmom (my mom was divorced but never remarried or had a bf active in our lives). But when I looked at it from my son’s perspective, it made sense to include her. Our course, we’ll have some boundaries, but it’s important that we all be involved in my son’s education.