Is singlemommyhood potentially forever?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
A single woman with a snazzy job title contacted us recently. She described her longing for a child — and a string of failed romances.
So, she’s seriously considering Donor Insemination (DI). Happily, her mother is on her side. And her extended family is ready to help in case life throws her an unexpected curve or some dire emergency arises.
She has carefully budgeted for the expected financial costs. She’s intensely researching donor insemination. And she seems close to choosing that path to “singlemommyhood.”
So far, things seem okay. Right?
Here’s what’s troubling this prospective single mom:
Friends are cautioning her of the “relationship costs” of DI singlemommyhood.
Her girlfriends warn that DI single motherhood is a relationship “deal breaker” for most men. One friend even said: “What you’re doing is more than a bit freaky.” *Ouch*
Another friend put it this bluntly: “Men will immediately flee when they find out she’s a DI single mom.”
(Sounds like her friends feel a bit threatened at the prospect of one less member commiserating about a loudly ticking “ovarian clock.” Do you agree?)
We’re on the record that single motherhood is NOT a relationship deal breaker. Juggling multiple commitments and meeting our parenting responsibilities are relationship challenges all single moms (and dads!) face. Of course, many single moms (and dads!) enjoy satisfying romantic relationships. And may eventually take delight in parenting with a committed partner.
From our perspective, there are lots of advantages to DI single mom status: Resourceful, independent, and energetic women fascinate and intrigue men. And they’ll be far less tempted to get involved with a “fix-up”project. The lack of an “ex factor” is also a potential plus. DI moms do not have to consult with anyone when making a parenting or any other life decision.
Are we underestimating the potential “relationship costs” this prospective DI mom might face?
So, we’re not sure how to answer this prospective DI single mom’s question.
Lots of you know far more than we do about this issue.
So, we’d love to hear your thoughts:
Could this single woman’s choice mean singlemommyhood for her forever?
Do DI single moms endure greater relationship costs than other single moms?
Or does the unique status of a DI single mom boost her love life?
(Photo courtesy of nick ludwig via Flickr)
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Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Sadly, my exes and the drama/stress they create has most defintitely been a handicap in regard to my romantic relationships.
My life would be like fairy tale by comparisson if my exes were not a factor. So from my perspective, I don’t think being a choice mom ruins her chances for a relationship at all.
I don’t see it as a deal breaker. In fact, without an ex, it should make things easier in a lot of ways – no scheduling issues, no arguments about her dating, etc.. She also has family support so she can have some free time to spend with a significant other.
I think it also depends on how she would bring someone into her life. Even after dating someone for years, I still won’t let him sleep over or spend too much time with my child. If he wants to do that, he can make the marriage commitment. So if she’s planning to be that kind of single mom, that might be an obstacle. It works for me because my child is with his dad 30% of the time. If he wasn’t, I’m not sure what I’d do.
So, the only limitations I see in this situation are ones that she might put on herself, but eliminating a majority of men from the dating pool is not an obstacle I foresee.
Twitter @ http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/
Now for a guy’s perspective. I’m a single dad having been divorced last year. Was married for 4 years, with the Ex for a total of 6. Have dated a decent amount since then and have even been introduced to a single DI Mom. She was 40, never married. The fact that she did DI, great. The fact that she was 40 and never married, RED FLAG. If I were a woman and met a guy who was that old and never married, it would be a RED FLAG for me too. While each person is different, having never participated in a supposed lifetime committed relationship signals to me that something is up. Not sure what, but if you’re a person who wants to get married and start a family, I think it’s pretty tough to get to late 30’s or early 40’s without having done it. A broad generalization but as a guy who would totally be willing to partner with a woman who had kids from previous marriage (divorces do happen) I most likely would steer clear of a woman who had never married and was in that age bracket, regardless of whether or not she was a DI mom.
Big City Dad´s last blog ..The "Off" Weekend & Hot Girl
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
@Big City Dad- I’m 33, a single mom and seriously doubting that I will ever get married. When asked my running response is “I haven’t found anyone good enough for me”. Partly because of my high standards (i.e. must have a job, a car, no addiction, no jail time, etc.). Sadly I am not joking. My last ex lost his job and did not find another one in the last 1.5 years of our relationship. Maybe I am biased, but my not being married is not 100% my doing – the reason for my never being married is just that fact that I have not settled. My ex asked me many times to get married, but I chose not to go down that road and support someone 100% who had no ambition. I was 19 when i had my son, did my fair share of dating and was with my ex for almost 10 years. In the last few years I have been too busy with my son to pursue new relationships by going out at night on the weekend. I just don’t have the energy. I haven’t met anyone at church, work, grocery, etc. I have decided if it happens it will when it is supposed to. Would your views be different if I would have made the (wrong) choice to marry my ex, lose half of my house/retirement, etc to him in a divorce? That would have been a stupid decision on my part, and that, to me, would raise more red flags about stupid decisions than not having been married at 40.
Moving on… I would imagine that most men that are scared of a relationship with a DI is the unknown donor. An ex, there is at least the other 1/2 of the child’s DNA that is known. I think this is a wonderful alternative to women who want to have a baby. I think most men, when told of a woman’s DI pregnancy & subsequent child, the male’s perception is more that this is unknown territory- now do you say that you do not know who your child’s father is. With an unplanned pregnancy, the mother knows who the father is, whether he is involved or not. Just my two cents.
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra Money for Christmas
I think if this mom is ready for the responsibility that comes with being a parent then I think she should do it I believe people and things come in to our lives for a reason and who knows like the article said she may be able to find more perspective suitors. cause if they know up front and dont run away then they may be a keeper I know this one guy friend of mine if it was the right person kids would not be a problem for him so I know there are those men out there who
Twitter @ desiree_allen
I’m with Big City Dad on this one. Doesn’t mean she needs to have her red flag raised, but aren’t there underlying issues that aren’t being addressed??
Desiree´s last blog ..It’s a wonderful life, Jimmy Stewart
Twitter @ YOC8040
This is a really interesting article, and there have been some great responses. My $0.02- my next child will be a DI/Choice baby. I had a child with a man I was married to, and it went about as far wrong as possible. Got pregnant by a normal guy; he had a psychotic break while I was pregnant and *BAM* there went the life we had planned and in came legal nightmares and fears about my son’s safety and emotional well-being. Being a choice mom seems like paradise compared to what I’ve been through.
As far as it affecting your dating life- if having a child is that important to you, who cares? If you want to have a DI baby, you’ve thought out the risks and rewards, you’ve hedged your risks with supportive friends and family, and you’ve got the financial and emotional stability, it’s your choice. If someone doesn’t want to be with you because of that choice, it would seem to me they’re not the right person for you. So I guess I’m saying that yeah, it might narrow the field a little- but will it edge out guys you would be interested in anyway?
My opinion on Big City Dad’s statement- my life would’ve been so much different if I hadn’t gotten married and made that commitment when I did. I would rather be with someone who held off because they hadn’t found “it” than someone like me who jumped in and got scarred. But everyone has a different experience, so I can see his perspective.
Cat´s last blog ..Sigh
Twitter @ MO1908
I don’t think there is anything wrong with DI. For one, we live in an age and time when women are financially able to support a family on their own. So why should they be denied the right to procreate even if they don’t have a mate? What about women who are divorced and single? They have dated and married. I don’t think it’s fair for someone to single out another women just because of how the child was conceived. Quite frankly it’s none of their business anyway.
I think this person should ignore the haters and embrace one of God’s miracles should s/he choose her.
Twitter @
NOT a deal breaker.
So many of us who do marry end up raising our children solo (or very nearly) anyway, except, as Mindy said, with complications we couldn’t have imagined.
But I would say this:
No amount of imagining solo parenthood is the same as living it. And it’s much more than financial preparation. It is emotional and logistical, and it is about stamina and support.
If she has a network of friends, and of family, who will be her backup and her support system, then she is no worse off (in my opinion) than any other solo mom. But parenting alone, without family or friends to help, is heavy lifting for many years. She needs to be prepared for the potential career compromises, and incredible fatigue.
All that aside – I do think her friends may be threatened. And I think parenting is the greatest privilege there is. I wouldn’t trade a minute of it. The gray hair? Yes. But not the joy of being a mother.
A good man will love a good woman who chooses to share her heart as a mother. It’s difficult finding someone with whom we “fit.” And it is courageous to know you have the love to give to a child, and to plunge in on your own.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Joy Part 3: Phone, mail, doorbell, all teens accounted for
Twitter @ http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/
Hmmm…controversial topic for sure. I should note that if a girlfriend of mine was dating a man who was the same age and never married, I’d also tell her that’s a Red Flag (I did mention that in my original comment). Just my opinion but if someone isn’t willing to dip their toe into the commitment water by late 30’s, I begin to wonder why. So for me, that applies to men and women. I do realize that the significant relationship the produced the child could not have been marriage. That’s a personal choice that some people make and is worth giving credit to. Where I’m focusing is this: I have several guy friends in their early 40’s and never married. LOVE those guys and they are tremendous friends. I would NEVER, however, set them up with a girl friend or my sister. Relationships for them are revolving doors without much substance. My experience with this has TYPICALLY (but not always) been that people choose not to get deep into it out of fear and that fear is very, very hard to deal with in a relationship of substance if that person doesn’t want to deal with it.
Big City Dad´s last blog ..The “Off” Weekend & Hot Girl
You’ve inspired a lively conversation Big City Dad . It seems like each individual whose toe has not dipped into the commitment water (love that!) could have an entirely different explanation for why. Fear? Definitely. Lacks the commitment gene? Definitely. Long years of schooling, responsibilities to his/her family of origin, bouts of poor health …seems like a lot of potential explanations. Thanks again for adding so much to our community.
BigLittleWolf: You’re not kidding …YEARS of EXTREMELY heavy lifting without the support of family and friends. We stress this very point repeatedly with men and women considering single parenthood by choice. We appreciate everything you bring to the conversation.
Monique: Thanks for joining the conversation. We wish we heard the word miracle more often when kids are discussed.
Cat: Interesting comment about your next child. We hear the “choice” option frequently from women whose relationships were challenging (to say the very least). We hope you keep us posted. You’re a great mom . . .any child raised by you is blessed.
I am 35, a single mom to a 10 year old and have never been married.
I would hope that I wouldn’t fall into some “red flag” category because I believe myself to be as normal as a professional woman who can be who is raising her son alone.
I have had a couple long term relationships since my son was born and they didn’t work out for various reasons…but I don’t see that as a huge failing or a red flag. I am actually still on good terms with each of these people (took awhile, but…).
I recently moved my son and I to be closer to my family/therefore help…and took a 50% pay cut so that I could work fewer hours and experiment with having a life.
Still? Not married, and not even dating at this moment…but absolutely LOVING having a core group of amazing people surrounding me, the extra time with my son, and the idea of dating again…problem is, where I live now, people don’t tend to want to hear “I have no clue” when it comes to the dreaded…do you want more kids question, and that is my final answer.
Not trying to be defensive, but I take offense to Big City Dad saying I’m a red flag. I think I’m prime relationship material…just in a very small town with a lot of folks who never left and think my drive is somewhat kooky.
Ali´s last blog ..Do Good Have Fun: CRANKSGIVING
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
The things that become big yellow warning signs, and not necessarily red flags, is that investing into the relationship requires an investment into this new family structure. The questions that will arise is how you will fit, how important will you be, how much effort will be required to fit into this new dynamic? Many of the single mothers that I know, declare that their child is the most important person in their life. And as a single mother you will be protective, this will also limit any openness that the man is looking for. You are the outsider, there is no way around it. The effort for integration is on the head of the newcomer. And, for some people they will keep you at arms reach due to trust issues.
Mostly the red-flag is fear. of the stereotypes and odor that being single in your thirties and not in a long term relationship give off.
red-flags aren’t about facts, there about emotional worries. Whether we like it or not, or whether we think it’s fair or not. And it will take a real man, to ignore any potential stereotype and get to know someone.
I’m concerned more with single men. Especially if their relationships are revolving doors. Your just asking for pain with these kinds of guys. Plus, it’s these guys that create trust issues for the ones who have all the trust to give.
Personally I find women in their 30’s who are single mothers as having the most stability and have the capability to build love. Much more so than 20 somethings who have not gotten over the pain, and the new recognition that some men just suck.
Travis´s last blog ..Insomniacs Parental Guide to Moving Into Dangerous Neighborhoods
I guess I have a bit of a different way of looking at this. I grew up with a single mom and though it wasn’t her choice to be single with 3 kids she made huge sacrifices for us. My dad was not very involved and it was hard for all of us.
I know having an uninvolved dad is different than never having one at all but I can’t help but wonder if kids still have that longing. And I have to say that as a very involved father I resent any implication that fathers are not an important part of a child’s life.
I have to agree with BigLittleWolf that it can work if the support group is big enough. Sure plenty of people raise their kids solo but much of the time it isn’t some fantasy and the hard stuff isn’t just about having an ex/coparent/whatever. Raising kids is hard work and if you’re doing it completely alone it is truly exhausting.
Quickly: I’m 38 and met a woman early last year who is my age and absolutely the woman of my dreams – we are married and have a new kid and for about 1000 reasons (trust and mutual goals and understanding and attraction are half of them) we are both entirely certain we will be together forever. Rachel (SingleMomSeeking) knows me IRL and knows that I’m telling the truth. She had been briefly married and annulled; I had never been close to married; so Red Flag Schmed Flag, everyone’s different and I am so happy I waited for the right person and so is she. As for the topic at hand, I don’t see a deal-breaker there.
Thanks, Daniel S-R, for taking the time to share your heart warming love story. And Steve . . .you’ll get no arguments here. Fathers are important to kids’ lives. We celebrate involved and loving fathers – like you!
Twitter @ http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/
For all of you who read yesterday’s posts by me, I’d encourage you to take a look at my blog for an apology as well as a clarification of what I meant. So easy to take things out of context in short blurbs, but sometimes the meaning of the writer is not what the reader hears. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/2009/11/hornets-nestand-apology.html
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
Daniel S-R Thank you for posting that… I don’t want to settle to simply say that I am married (or course, I’m 100% sure if I would have married my ex, I would now be saying I HAD been married and am now divorced.
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra Money for Christmas
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
@ BigCityDad – just read your blog. I am sorry if I came out swinging a little bit and I really didn’t mean it towards you, but a lot of people tend to make a generalized statement about an entire group, without exception. I did not think this was the case with you, I just wanted to give my two cents about raising the red flag.
Have a great Thanksgiving !!
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra Money for Christmas
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
Weak men…the ones you don’t want or need will see children as some sort of liability. There are men who will see that child or any child as a blessing and will open their hearts wide to receive and accept you and your kid(s)
I am in a love affair with a Man who sees my children…all 4! as an asset. He feels the loving pull of being a bonus parent, he loves them. He loves me. He acts accordingly.
So yes there will be men who don’t want to date you because you have kids and perhaps the way you conceived them may seem unconventionally. But hold on there are men who recognize blessings.
lovebabz´s last blog ..LOVETALK RADIO SCHEDULE NOVEMBER 2009
@Big CIty Dad — I’ll say that I started dating a man who was 46 almost 6 years ago. He had several long term relationships (over 5 years long), but never married. I said from the beginning that there was some reason he never married — i don’t know if it was a “red flag”, but no one gets to that age without there being a reason why they never married — a good reason, bad reason, whatever — a reason. (Of course, 46 is a bit older than we were originally discussing).
Anyway, now I know why he never married — he’s not up to it. He likes his free time and he likes to spend it his way, and he would completely lose it if he had to be with someone and “responsible” every day, 24 hours a day. While he’s a great guy, and did a lot for me, he told me he was not the marrying type, I believed him (thank god), and now I know why for sure. It wasn’t really apparent in the beginning, but now it’s crystal clear that despite him having been kind and a great support to me, he would not do well in a marriage with a kid at all.
So, anyway, just wanted to throw my 2 cents in and say, at least in the case of this 46 year old guy I dated, there was definitely a “reason” why he never married before I met him and that reason originated with him.
Twitter @ http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com
Hmmmm, I am a divorced single mom so my situation is different. I guess people judge lots of different things and you never know what you’ll bump into in life.
The fact that you are so seriously considering becoming a choice mom tells me you are open-minded and need an open-minded partner regardless of what you decide here.
It wouldn’t turn me off – but I’m not your target (haha). I still don’t understand why people feel the need to poke their noses into such a personal decision. You know what? When I became pregnant, everyone congratulated me. No one questioned the solid-ness of my marriage…and I am divorced.
This woman is just an easy target…I say ignore the peanut gallery and do what your your heart says!
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..Divorced Parents, Split Holidays, Shuffled Kids
Honestly, with “friends” like that who say “what you are doing is more than a bit freaky.” Or “Men will immediately flee when they find out she’s a DI single mom.” who the hairy heck needs enemies? Friends are there to support you and to try to empathize with you (in my opinion). Unless what you are doing is illegal, immoral or very very questionable which DI is NOT in my opinion.
Of course, I am biased because I used donor insemination to get pregnant at the age of 39. I am now blessed with a beautiful 18 month old girl.
Just for the record, I am divorced. I tried to do things the “right” way but my ex and I lost 2 baby boys together and then he decided that he no longer wanted to be a dad.
I have no problem getting a date, but frankly don’t have a lot of time to plunge into a serious relationship right now. Unless of course, I meet someone who just knocks me right off my feet.
My family and friends have been very supportive and no one has called my choice “freaky”. And frankly, I could care less.
I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and in fact, I am trying for another one. It would be nice to also find a loving partner but if I don’t – guess what Gloria Gaynor – I WILL SURVIVE!!
To Steve,
I agree that fathers are very important, but in my case, it was not my fault that my ex decided to bail out of the marriage and bail out of being a dad.
It still makes me sad.
Would I have preferred to have had my daughter with my absolute soul mate and live happily ever after amen? Of course, but that didn’t happen.
And honestly, I think that people who have fairytale endings are very few and far between.
What you do in life is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep right on trucking along. You make sure that you have a damn good self-esteem and that you have a good support system. And the rest is a huge question mark at best. NOONE knows what tomorrow brings and there are ZERO guarantees in this lifetime folks.