Comments on: My mom judges me

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 23:04:15 +0000

Cindy: Thanks for so generously sharing your thoughts and feelings. Please visit us again soon.

By: Cindy

Cindy — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 22:42:59 +0000

Having been the child in this situation…here is what I have to say. Most of you won’t agree with me as it you are thinking about yourselves and your loneliness. NO, you should not date/move in with someone when you already have a child. It doesn’t matter that he likes your kid or says he likes your kid. Concentrate on being a parent first and foremost. YOUR CHILD IS YOUR PRIORITY ALWAYS and NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, SHOULD COME BEFORE HIM, NOT EVEN YOU AND MOST DEFINITELY NOT A MAN. The child didn’t ask to be brought into this world, you decided that…so don’t put him on the side just so you can go on and “find your happiness”. No child deserves to be in that position…seeing mom with another man. My mother chose men over me all the time, and in the end I lost respect for her. I am now about to be 30 and I do not call her “mom”, in fact I have severed all ties with her completely.
Just something to think about.

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:26:54 +0000

Sabrina: Welcome to our Singlemommyhood community. Thanks for sharing your experiences on this sensitive subject.

By: Sabrina

Sabrina — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:20:49 +0000

I had my daughter a few days after my 18th birthday so I lived with my mom for a while. Living with my mom meant I didn’t bring guys around and since she was so protective of my daughter, she didn’t mind babysitting while I lived a little. I worked and paid bills, as well, I just did it all under my mom’s roof.

Although my daughter’s father was in her life, I noticed that she would cling to any guy I brought around. Most kids cling to those that show them attention and, in the “How to Get a Honey” handbook for guys, there’s a section entitled “To get to her heart ya gotta get in good with the kid” – smile. Anyway, I decided very early that she wouldn’t meet anyone until I was SURE he would be around.

There has to be a balance because, aside from being a mom, you are a woman. I set up my own rules while dating, men didn’t visit, pick me up or spend the night at my house. Most men had no issues with this but some did and that was OK, I just didn’t date them. As single moms we sometime feel like we are lucky to find ANY man so heavens forbid if we put boundaries on him – this is simply not so.

As my daughter got older, I’d go on brief dates while she was at cheer leading practice, at the mall with her friends or while she was at slumber parties. I fit dating in but I didn’t center my life around it.

By: BigLittleWolf

BigLittleWolf — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 03:20:39 +0000

Whether your mom realizes it or not, some part of her may regret that she didn’t do what you are doing now. Moving on, according to your timetable, and successfully.

If anything – perhaps you can position things that you want your child to see you happy, in a healthy relationship, and that you’re happy to have her around to help as you raise her child.

A mom in your 20s… it would be crazy to hole up for 10 or 12 more years. And impossible.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Are you happy?

By: Swati Bharteey

Swati Bharteey — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:10:01 +0000

Hi –
Your mother probably has the best of intentions…but I also think that it’s important for all of us as single moms to show our kids that it is important to take care of yourself (within reason of course). By only focusing on your child 200% of the time, you run the risk of teaching your child that he/she is the center of the universe or, he/she should always give and never receive. I struggled with this too – but then got to thinking that if my daughter was a single mom, and she really wanted a relationship in her life, I’d want that for her too. I want to show her it’s ok to go after things that make you happy.
I think you should set boundaries in regards to when your mom visits as some others commentators have said. And you can tell your mom what time you’ve set aside for just “Mommy/child time” (and she shouldn’t stop by during those times either!). Perhaps telling her you’d really like to see if you can find a good adult partner in your life and it’s important to you would help? If not, I would agree to disagree.
Good for you for getting out there!
- Swati Bharteey
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..5 Secrets for Balancing Work and Single Motherhood (Number 4)

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:35:43 +0000

Desiree:Thanks for joining our conversation. I think you even worry more as your kids get older. Things no longer get resolved with a kiss and a hug. I cannot cross a street with my “grown-up” babies without instinctively reaching for their hands.

Amy Anderson: My mother also used to say . . .”Well . . . if I were you”. It was code for “I’m worried about what’s happening.” Even thought I knew the “real” meaning, it definitely grated on my nerves. I bet you are a terrific mom!

By: Amy Anderson

Amy Anderson — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:07:21 +0000

My mom and I were talking this morning about a parenting issue and she said the line I dread “Well if I were you….” She says this so often me and my daughter roll our eyes and giggle. I have often fired back with “WELL YOU ARE NOT ME”. She’s doing it out of love and concern. I know this because we have discussed it many many times. It’s a bad habit of hers and it’s NOT going to change…I’ve accepted it. I will probably find myself saying it and cringing in a few years. I agree you have to sit her down and try to understand where it’s coming from though. I did ask my mom once with my eyes full of tears at 1am with a sick angry child on my lap “Mom am I totally screwing this up?” She laughed and cried and said “Honey you are a better mother than I was when you were this age…and I’m so proud of you” When I hear “If I were you” I keep that statement in the back of my head and just roll my eyes.

By: Desiree

Desiree — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:09:19 +0000

I agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Leah, although I might not have until very recently.

What I’ve been trying to work on myself is learning “when” to speak to my mother about issues and “how”. For me, it’s a constant work in progress… and Dr. Leah’s right… you worry about your kids, even when they’re grown.

After a recent heartbreak, I don’t see myself being formally tied to any man for a very long time, but that doesn’t mean I can’t go out and enjoy myself!
Desiree´s last blog ..And so we begin

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:47:23 +0000

Thanks, Melysa, for joining the conversation.

This is a tough topic for me. I sympathize with this single mom’s mother because I can relate to the anxieties she feels, especially since she was also divorced. Without causing all of you to roll your eyes collectively . . .things were radically different “back then” when this single mom’s mother got divorced. It was challenging (and scary) to try to be a responsible parent and have a dating life when there were no cell phones. Every time you left the house there was this worry about the kids . . .especially at night. Sometimes it was simply easier (and more prudent) just to stay home.

Divorce also carried a much greater stigma than it thankfully does today. Perhaps, a bit of appreciation for her mother’s experiences might help.

When your own kids are little it is so very difficult to appreciate that you always feel like a mother –protective, concerned, and desperately wanting to keep your kids safe, and see them happy. It really does not matter how old your kids get. And, when your kids have been hurt in a divorce/break-up, those feelings tend to intensify.

Do you think this mother might back-off a bit if this single mom set aside some “mother/daughter time” devoted to listening respectively to her mother’s experiences and perspectives?