Comments on: Single guy (no kids) dating single mom

By: Mike / @psychdaddy

Mike / @psychdaddy — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 13:17:23 +0000

Wanting to be in a relationship isn’t the same thing as being afraid to leave It sure sounds like she is frightened by committing and getting hurt again. Single guy can’t “save” her from this. This is her job. I think the comments about a friendly breakup are spot on. Getting on with life has a way of giving perspective. Maybe the message about the relationship is “not yet” rather than “never”. This relationship would be better off if both are there because they want to be together rather than because one (or both) is afraid to leave.

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 10:35:45 +0000

Dr. C: Thanks for joining the conversation. It’s a challenge to do “baby steps” when your feelings are so deep and genuine. We wish you well.

By: Dr. C

Dr. C — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 05:57:12 +0000

I have a similar situation dating a single mom of a nine-year-old girl… but I’ve chosen to confront and talk with her about her fears and concerns. We get along SO well. I gave her space for almost a month and it turned out to be too MUCH space. Both she and her daughter were missing me a lot, and it was obvious when we finally saw each other again. Absence DID make the heart grow fonder. I think the biggest problem is that her nine-year-old isn’t ready for a new daddy, even though her real daddy was physically violent with her mom and was arrested several times for DV offenses. He’s out of the picture now, with no parental rights, and mom said that when she does get married again, her new husband will have to want to adopt her daughter. That is no problem in my book, but even though the daughter and I get along great, whether laughing or talking serious, the daughter still says mom doesn’t need anyone else because she has her! She’s a kid and doesn’t understand her mom’s need for male companionship and affection. So, I think most of the reason mom wants to go slow is to give the daughter time to accept and trust a new man in their lives. But it can be hard, when you’re a single guy, not to get a bit lonely. Mom doesn’t have as much alone time since daughter is always there. So, it can be hard to hang on, but when I suggested that I just back off altogether mom said (strongly), “NO!” But at the same time she uses the phrase “baby steps” a lot, which says to me… go slow with us… but don’t leave. And I don’t want to leave, so I guess I’m resigned to giving the relationship more time. I just wish I had some advice on how to help mom overcome her fears after we talk and I find out what they are…

By: Dr. Leah

Dr. Leah — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 15:45:17 +0000

Rober: Your family is not living your life. You said it all …”I don’t want to let a great woman go …” In time your family will come around, especially when they see how happy you are – fingers crossed! Please keep us posted.

By: Rober

Rober — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 14:35:30 +0000

I’m a single guy dating a divorced mother. I have a good relationship with my partner. We get along fine. I have met her son a few times and had no problems interacting and getting along with him. My problem: My family. My family does not approve of me dating this woman, especially my mother. I dont want to cause my family any problems, but I also dont want to let a great woman go. Help!

By: matt

matt — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 05:06:47 +0000

She just needs attention, and needs to be assured that are really there for her. Her self esteem has been battered that as many women out there once they have children and separate from the other parent, it becomes so hard for them to open up and be comfortable once they meet someone new. I’m 26 I once dated a woman 8 years older than me, the first day I met her she told me how old she was from there on she never stopped reminding me of that and how many kids she had (2 children), and questioning me what were my intentions with her; not once, not twice, several times that showed me how insecure she was…

By: Rachel Sarah

Rachel Sarah — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 17:52:04 +0000

@Cat: You wrote that comment as if it happened yesterday. Sounds like the feelings are still close… sending you a big hug!

By: Jenni

Jenni — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 00:24:14 +0000

There is the possibility that the idea of him wanting to become serious and “daddy” is just scarey to her.

I know as a newly single mom [8 months and counting], getting into something serious is a SCAREY thought. I just want someone right now to go out and have fun with, snuggle on the couch, and give me bear hugs on my bad days. And of course get along with my kids. But I think if someone turned around and said they wanted to become a father figure, which might also send off the ringing sound of wedding bells, I would back off as well.

I had one guy, after one date, who was convinced we would get married and have more kids. I never went on another date with him again.
Jenni´s last blog ..Stop! [In the Name of Love]

By: Tinamarie Bernard

Tinamarie Bernard — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 12:21:04 +0000

As I read each of these comments, I’m reminded by how powerful a hold fear has on us. BUT – fears greatest enemy is confrontation!
To the father in question I would suggest this: TALK to her. Ask her what she is REALLY afraid of. Chances are, it is worry about how her daughter could suffer that is interfering with her willingness to be vulnerable.

I will also say this: Some single parents use their children as an excuse to not allow authentic, deep love to enter their lives again. It comes back to fear. Love and it’s aftermath can devastate some, and they become hardened to the possibility that love could ever be theirs again.

If he can remain her friend without feeling like an open wound everytime he’s with her, then I’d say go for it.

On the otherhand, he’s already fallen for her daughter as much as the mom, and maybe it’s a matter of pushing through that resistance. I say this because they’ve been dating long enough to suggest she’s no longer processing the loss of her marriage – fear of failure – but contemplating the consequences of a future – fear of success – with him. And that is knocking her to her knees.

Hope this helps. Best, Tinamarie Bernard

By: Swati Bharteey

Swati Bharteey — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 19:50:46 +0000

I’m sorry to chime in with the same but I think it’s time to end it. For yourself so you can stop working so hard and move on; for her, so she can heal and really be open; and for her child, to whom you will get more attached and who will do the same with you.

She knows you are a terrific guy – both with her and with her child and that’s why it’s hard for her to end it – that’s so hard to find. But her heart isn’t in it and that’s not fair to you.

You have given her tons of space from what I read above – if that didn’t work, I think it’s time to gently end it, let her know you care, but you tell the timing is off.

I did once once date the sweetest, gentlest man ever as a single mom myself…but I wasn’t ready and really, I could never and would never have loved him. I just didn’t feel it and I ended it.

Be well,
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..The Relationship – Chapter Two (a short story)