Back to school: When you dread filling out those school forms
We’re always intrigued when worries about school creep into the conversation long before summer is over. Of course, we’re delighted that you’re telling us what’s on your mind. And school issues are clearly front and center for SO many of you. Maybe you moved during the summer. Or, you are just starting co-parenting following a painful break-up. Some of you might be enrolling kids in school for the very first time. Yeah!
This poignant email from a newly single mom sums up nicely what many of you are feeling:
“I’m procrastinating about enrolling my son in kindergarten,” she says. “Just driving by the school in our new neighborhood makes me upset, like I’m getting sent to the Principal’s office for getting in trouble.”
Here’s why this single mom is so upset: “I’ve barely adjusted to single parenthood. Now, I have to somehow explain that I’m a single parent to strangers. What if they don’t understand? Or if they ask a bunch of personal questions? And what happens if I can’t somehow fit all the information in all those tiny little boxes on the enrollment forms?”
We sympathized with how this single mom feels. We did our best to reassure this single mom that from the school’s perspective, single parents are NOT unique or confounding. And, likely, the dreaded principal (or school secretary) is all too familiar with the practical challenges single parents face.
Here’s what we think: Honestly, school officials are not tantalized by the details of your private life. But, they do need information from you for legal purposes and to keep your kids safe —especially in there’s an emergency.
Like many of us, however, this single mom went through a nasty break-up. She never anticipated raising her son as a single mom. Now, she’s got a complicated co-parenting plan — along with a different address for each parent. Mom and Dad each have different “emergency contacts”, if the other parent is not available.
We understand that conveying all this information for school enrollment can seem overwhelming.
Please help this single mom tackle this parenting chore with a BIG dose of confidence:
Please share your own school enrollment experiences as a single parent.
What’s the best way for her to prepare?
What are the essentials she needs to bring to enroll her child?
Do you have any advice to help her feel less defensive about her single parent status?
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(Photo courtesy of ecastro)
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Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
Excellent topic! I’m both, a single mother and a teacher.
First off, you don’t have to explain to strangers (I’m assuming that you’re talking about other parents and/or teachers). If they ask nosy questions that are unrelated to your child (i.e. Why did you get divorced? What happened? Is the father involved?)—you can explain to them that you are registering your child, and are not comfortable discussing this topic. Most teachers nowadays, have seen the whole range of families and divorce is nothing unusual. Just make sure teachers do send an extra copy of letters to the father.
If, however, you do have a child that is struggling behaviorally, the social worker/counselor will need to know the details of stress (you still don’t have to explain why or what happened before the divorce) so s/he can work with your child and teacher.
Hope this helps.
Avigail74´s last blog ..The Four Day Trip
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
As Dr. Leah said, I’m sure you’re not the only divorced parent in the school. My experience says that what they will need is a copy of the divorce decree and custody arrangements so that they can protect themselves legally and ensure that your child goes home with the right parent. Personally, I’m a firm believer in the power of negative thinking, and preparing yourself for the worst reaction. Come in polite but direct, and remember that your main goal is to do what’s in the best interest of your child. Your school is supposed to be a partner in that. I hope that’s how it works out.
April´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up of my week alone
Twitter @ notthecar
1- You are not the only divorced parent in the school
2- the office will probably ask you nothing.
3- the real place you need to think about in the room moms. they will get you every time.
The paperwork is a breeze. my school district is forward thinking i guess in there’s a section to list who has custody, any visitation or if the other parent is barred from contact right on the info card. My child and I don’t have the same last name and i was never asked ‘what happened” by a teacher or school admistrator but i sure was by other parents. Beside what you want to put out that its your story to tell. you can say as much or as little as possible.
Twitter @ mom2themonsters
I just enrolled my son in Kindergarten at a private school. When I enrolled him in preschool and Kindergarten I always put NONE or leave the space blank for the father information. My kids don’t have a father. They are adopted. Nobody has ever said anything about it or asked me any questions about why it was blank. I think in today’s society. It really isn’t that abnormal.
Mommy to the Monsters´s last blog ..God is amazing!
I’m a teacher, too, and we don’t assume parents are together anymore. I always ask kids when calling home if the person I’ll be speaking to has the same last name. I can tell you there are plenty of teachers who are single parents, too, so there’s no judgment coming from that angle, either. Ask the school what you need to bring, and rather than thinking of your situation as something that has to be explained, think of your situation as the NORM, because it really is.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I’m a special education teacher and a single mom.
What you need to bring, is social security numbers, vaccination records, addresses and phone numbers for you and the emergency contacts. (I’d trim down the emergency contacts to three besides you and the other parent, schools wont be able to determine who’s week it is to call who else . . . )
Don’t worry about what they think. It isn’t any of their business and they’ve seen it all and worse before at this point. Education is confidential so they aren’t allowed to gossip about your child’s situation anyway.
Look em in the eye, answer only the questions asked, and resist the urge to make excuses, because its none of their business and you are the moma.
alley´s last blog ..MEN
Twitter @ http://www.howdoesshedoitmom.com
I remember going through this EXACT experience!! I had left my husband just prior to my son starting school..it was so weird to fill out papers that had the father listed with a different address. You know what I realized very quickly…I paid way more attention to it than the staff did.
I think when we are living something extreme we automatically assume that everyone can sense it and will react to it…maybe this is a bad comparison but its kind of like the pimple on your face that only you notice!
Take all things in stride…feel comfortable with your new founded situation and I am sure that things will be fine.
How Does She Do It Mom´s last blog ..A Revolution of MASS proportions…
Twitter @ NkdGirlinaDress
I am so sorry this woman is facing this challenge when it should be a happy experience as her son approaches a new milestone: starting school. I simply echo what all the other people have said regarding school; the schools have seen every parenting arrangement imaginable. I don’t want to say she shouldn’t worry or don’t worry because she should allow herself to experience those feeling she has regarding enrollment. It’s OK to feel this way.
Once you face this fear and register your son, you will feel so proud that you overcame this. This small task, once completed, will make you stronger!
Naked Girl in a Dress´s last blog ..Hope that a True and Lasting Love Exists
Just like everyone else said, it’s really not that big a deal. Unfortunately, between the two of them, I’ve had to register my kids at a few different schools since we divorced and it was not nearly as bad as I expected. Every form I’ve seen has had a place for the kids’ address, mom’s address, and dad’s address and then a question about sole or joint legal and physical custody. The public schools in our county also have a checkbox to mark if anyone is legally prohibited from having contact with the child (you have to provide documentation to support this).
My ex is being a doofus and doesn’t want ME to have his contact info for some reason right now so when I filled out the forms, I put down his name and his cell number because that’s all I have. I told him what schools the boys were at and that if he wanted the school to know anything else about him, he could give them the info. I refuse to let it be said that I’m cutting him out.
Here’s kind of a funny story for you. Last year, when Squirt was in kindergarten, his teacher had “family night” once a month. The first time we went in, I felt like I had “SINGLE MOM” tattooed on my forehead because all I saw around me were “happy” couples. It was all I could do not to cry the entire night because I just knew everybody there was judging me. I was sure I was the only single mom in the school. It was the same at parties and events during the day. There were all these SAHM’s there but I was the only working mom and the only single mom and I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. One day, I was talking to Squirt’s teacher about it and I happened to mention that to her. She just laughed and said that half the kids in her class were from single parent families and I was just the only one that actually came and participated in family night and other school events. When the other parents were looking at me funny, it wasn’t because they were judging me, it was because they were wondering how I managed to do it all on my own and still be as active as I was. At least that’s what she said and it made me feel a little better.
wondermom´s last blog ..Hiding out
Twitter @ tiiajoneslove
I remember that first school registration, and it IS hard! Like Avigail above, I am both a single mom and a teacher which gives us a bit of a unique perspective.
I agree that teachers and administrators have seen it all (two moms, no mom, no dad, polyamorous families–you name it) so at this point in my career, I don’t get surprised UNLESS the child is unhappy. I do think it is helpful to have as much information as possible–things like visitation schedules, court dates, upsetting phone calls, anything that would affect your kiddo. Most teachers stay in close contact with parents these days via email or even text. I use a website with frequent emails and texts. Find out how your teacher wants to stay in touch.
As for the paperwork itself, usually the school’s website has pretty detailed information about what is needed and as has been mentioned above you’ll need immunization records, birth certificate, emergency numbers, etc. In my case, my daughter is “red flagged,” which means her father can NOT pick her up, so I have to provide court documentation proving that he surrendered all his parental rights and a picture of him for the school security. I don’t think he would do that, but it makes me feel better knowing she’s safe.
Good luck and know that many single moms have walked that long road too! We all cry a lot the first day! I’m tearing up now just thinking about it and it’s been many years.
Tiia Jones´s last blog ..The Sex Talk
Twitter @ eatdrinkdivorce
It is amazing just how sophisticated schools, teachers and administrators have become. They know every family has a story and they are only interested in the parts that help them protect, honor and educate your child. Fill out your forms, attach all necessary documents, even if it includes the elaborate child custody plan. Just do your part and everything will take care of itself. Be empowered and inspired that you are taking care of your child’s education needs. Work with your school in partnership…team work. After all it does indeed take a village…
Lovebabz´s last blog ..IT TAKES A VILLAGE
Twitter @ jeciwall
I believe that people are making an issue out something that is not an issue. When your child finally graduates high School, you will have forgotten all about this subject that is none of anybody’s business to start with. If a teacher calls you and you have a different last name from your child, just let her know then, you do not have to divulge anymore than that. DONT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Its not worth it.
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
I wondered about this same topic when my kids started school. I always felt like the only single parent in the room and I usually was the only dad. Once I got to know a few other parents I found out that many of them were in second marriages. Every year I make sure I meet the teachers and stop in a few times a month or email them to see how the kids are doing. The most important thing to me is that the teacher knows I’m involved and education is important to me and she should let me know if there are ever any issues with my kids regarding behavior or school work. They’ve always been very receptive to sending home 2 sets of everything and making sure I’m on any email lists.
Twitter @ TatterScoops
I’m printing this one out to read during my lunch time or when I get home but I want to thank everyone for replying. I’m in the same position as the mom in the post, just a bit more complicated. Thank you Dr. Leah and Rachel for sending me this link.
Tatter Scoops´s last blog ..On Letting Go
Twitter @ TatterScoops
I have read all the wonderful comments here. My situation is a little different. My divorce process haven’t even start yet because of a very complicated reasons but I have been living a single mom life for nearly a year now. Father of my son has disappeared for months, no supports, no contacts, nothing but still in the same town. When I enrolled my son, I did filled out his name but left out his address (coz I don’t know where he lives now) and phone no. I didn’t offer any explanation and the headmaster didn’t ask. My son has been in preschool for over 2weeks now and I’m wondering if I should tell the headmaster/teachers about it. I’m fearing my son’s safety because the soon-to-be-ex has repeatedly threatened to get my son. The reason why I’m so uncomfortable to talk about it is because I live in Asian country where divorce is still deemed a taboo but then I worry about my son…he might very well be the only kid who doesn’t have that ‘whole family’. The teachers wrote and addressed me as Mrs. H (my maiden name) so they assumed I am married. Can anyone advise me on this really messy situation? Can’t thank you enough for your wisdom and supports!
Twitter @ TatterScoops
Hi everyone, so my ex and I has agreed to co-parenting that now he’s back in the picture. To update on my situation – divorce is still not finalize but he’s been giving money to pay for school and been having our son every other weekend. Before he and I came to this, I already had a talk with the headmaster about this. She’s being very supportive about this. Now my son has just entered K1 and one of the thing he will learn on this term is “Family”…this concerns me a little since again, most of the kids in his school comes from a whole family. I will have a meeting with the teachers this Friday so I’m hoping your feedback will help me get ‘armed’ for addressing this. Thank you again!
TatteScoops´s last blog ..Indonesia On My Bucket List
I have “residential custody” of my kids and a shared parenting arrangement that states that I have custody of my kids when they are with me and that he has custody when they are with him. It is VERY confusing, to say the least. The part that the school needs to know is that, for school placement and school issues, I am the residential parent. That means that I make the decisions and the buck stops here.
My ex has a tendency to be very petty and immature in many ways, he has tried every game in the book. I pick my battles as best I can. When my daughter needed to have some things done that the school principal did not agree with, because he sided with my ex instead of me, the bottom line was that I was the one in charge and that is all that mattered. I did what was necessary and it has been 7 years now since I had to do that and even NOW the teachers tell me that what I did was the right thing to do and that my daughter would have had a lot more trouble if I had not done what needed to be done.
I guess my point is that you need to make sure that you are crystal clear on what the arrangement is, who has what rights (and who does not) and make that PERFECTLY clear to the school. For example, I had to deal with the fact that my husband’s wife was signing papers and giving permission as a parent, she is not a parent and she does not have that right/responsibility and signing legal documents is not appropriate for her to do. The last thing I need is to have my kid go to the ER for an injury and not be able to get treatment becasue the paper was not filled out appropriately! If your ex does not have visitation, make sure the school is aware of that, if he does, they need to know that too.
As far as being worried about being questioned or judged, that is SO 1950s, people are past that, believe me. If they do try tojudge you (and you are sure if is actually happening) then you can always tell them to cast the first stone. It seems to be religious fundamentalists that still have that kind of attitude, in my experience, this refers to a story in the Bible that any fundamentalist will understand.The more important thing, though, is that YOU get over it and know that you are most definitely NOT alone n your feelings or situation. You do not need to feel that guilt or shame, life happens and your focus is on your kid and giving them the best home possible, which is what they deserve.
Good luck, and it does get easier! Trust me!
@Vic: Thanks for sharing your experiences here. Here’s to being very clear with school administrators.. and picking your battles as best you can.