When the bio father was a one-night stand
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
If you haven’t yet stopped by Maria’s blog, 1,000 Reasons I’m a Bad Mom, we encourage you to have a read. When Maria wrote to us recently about her relationship dilemma. (“It’s so different from the usual ‘my ex sucks” situation!’ she said), we hoped that you, our readers, might step forward with some advice. Thanks!
Here’s her story:
Maria and met this “cool guy” when she was on a tropical vacation, and when she got home, she found out she was pregnant. She emailed him and said that she wanted to have the baby. She also told him that he could be involved if he wanted to — or not.
The reality is that they live a 30 hour flight from each other, and after their son was born, his bio-father started to call two or three times a month. The birth father’s mom and sisters also stay in contact with their grandson/nephew by email. That’s the extent of their relationship and Maria is grateful for that her son has a connection to his “bio family.”
In the meantime, Maria met an amazing man — who’s now her fiance — when she was eight months pregnant. This guy has been present in her son’s life since the start.
So, her son is now one year old — and you know what we’re getting at:
Maria is wondering: When should she tell her son that her new husband is NOT his birth father? She worries about how to tell her son someday that his bio-dad was a one night stand.
She wants to know:
Should she start letting her son know NOW that one man is her son’s birth father, and the other is his “dad”?
Or should she wait until he’s old enough to understand?
What’s your advice on how to tell a child of any age that their bio-dad was a one night stand?
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Photo via Flicker: uspsrecord6)
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Wait til he understands the concept of biology. He knows who his daddy is, that’s all that matters right now.
Twitter @ thoughtsrm
My son’s father is a man I had known for five years when I got pregnant and then disappeared. I don’t have another man in my life so my situation is a little different.
I think honesty is the best policy and you should let your son have the attachment of his daddy, the man who is constantly there. As well as drop into conversation his father by name and possibly pictures of his father and other family if you want them to know him and they want to know him. That way when the questions come you can handle them honestly. The absent bio dad is like an uncle he doesn’t really know in his mind, but you can use the two words to differentiate them. That is what I would have done. Children long to know they are loved – and this way you create a separate attachment in your son’s mind.
Mind you – I would not go through any effort unless the biological father is going to be in your sons life consistently. If he is going to watch from afar – and not actively participate it is not worth the emotional damage on your son as a child and it is something he will be much more capable of handling as a teenager. Every situation is unique, so maybe your son will thrive with one dad attentive at home and a long distance, uncle like relationship with his biological dad. You have to do what is comfortable for you and at the same time protect your son.
My parents divorced when I was two and I did not handle any of it well. I was much better equipped to handle the emotional disappointment from my father being unattentive in my teens.
My son’s father met him for the first time a few months ago (my son is 5). Until he is consistent, I refuse to tell my son that this man is his dad. I owe it to my child to protect him, but I will definitely leave the door open if his dad wants to actively participate. The point is, this man can offer love and support – which every child needs and requires to develop into a strong, mindful and confident adult. You just have to find the right balance for your family.
Good Luck!
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
Obviously, a toddler is far too young to understand any of this. I imagine this mom and her soon-to-be husband will discuss the issue and take cues from their child as to when he is ready to know more. Pictures and phone calls may be a way to introduce the subject.
Moreover, in a situation like this, finding some less derogatory manner to describe the circumstances of the baby’s conception is a no-brainer. “One night stand” can easily be replaced with a story of a chance encounter that was a moment of happiness and sharing that was obviously “meant to be” – because from it, this beautiful child was born.
Who among us doesn’t put the necessary positive spin on anything and everything to give our children what they need? And spin it is – we should use our words wisely and to our advantage. They are no less true when framed in something good.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..What do you REALLY want in a relationship
@Heather: Thanks so much for chiming in and sharing your own story — and for the reminder about how important consistent love and support are.
Twitter @ http://1000reasonsimabadmom.com
Good advice, one and all. I don’t think the bio-dad wants to be particularly involved, but his mom and sister do, and I definitely want to keep them in the loop!
ofthesea´s last blog ..Reason 132 – I call my son horrible- horrible names
Twitter @ teresa_coates
Like @LittleBigWolf, I believe a positive spin is what you’ll need and that telling anything biological can wait until there is some understanding.
I’m glad to hear that there is bio-family who would like to stay in contact because I, too, believe that the more people that love a child, the better off they are. Bio or not.
Teresa´s last blog ..Gratitude in 2010
Twitter @ sincemydivorce
I share BigLittleWolf’s perspective and I love her spin on the vacation romance. I do think that her son should know he has a different biological dad but is way too young right now for all the details. And as for judging what he’s ready for, when my kids asked questions like “Where did I come from?” my first respond was a question like “How do you mean?” so I could understand exactly where they were coming from and know how much detail they were looking for. I’m guessing he doesn’t need to know about the one night stand for a very long time -
Mandy´s last blog ..Exploring the outdoors after divorce
Twitter @ http://notyouraveragesinglemama.com
The day will come soon enough when the boy will ask. Until then I wouldn’t bring it up. He’s got a daddy that loves him and he is far too young to understand that there is more to being a dad than DNA. No need to rush the subject and theres no need to avoid it when it comes. It will come naturally over time…kids are curious little monsters, believe me, he’ll ask. The PIT (my daughter) is 8 now and she’s asked about her ‘father’. We’ve had the talk, we still talk about it when she wants to….there’s one difference between my daughter and your son….your son has a daddy who loves him. Love trumps DNA if you ask me. Your son knows what he needs to know right now….he is LOVED. Be prepared when he does ask, but let it come naturally. My daughter was 5 when she asked me “Why do I look like I should speak Spanish?” which opened the gates to a whole lot of explaining in small doses…more now that she is older and more to come as she continues to get older. I don’t think my days of explaining will ever be over and honestly, I’m glad. If I stop explaining that means she has stopped coming to me for answers and THAT will be a day I’ll need to double up on the Xanax.
I think you’re doing a phenomenal job there mama, keep rockin~
singlemama_cc´s last blog ..Santa is also a ninja
Twitter @ mistermamasir
In my situation my son kind of figured things out with very little direction from me. He knows who his “daddy” is sees him every couple of months – and his extended family once a month but when we pick him up from daycare he tells the kids there that my significant other is his “dad” (although neither of us have ever told or suggested to my son to call him that – we’ve never even discussed it) and he never did it at home – just daycare.
“Look everybody – my dad’s here!” kind of thing.
I think he sees other kids’ fathers and associates what they do and how they act with the things that my boyfriend does and how he acts and sees him in a father role – and I don’t blame him, my boyfriend has been around since before his first birthday and his father didn’t meet him until well after his first birthday.
I find it funny how he figured out a distinction between the two of them for himself.
So I think he understands that his bio-father is his father and that
Nicole´s last blog ..jinx- a rant