3 reasons your bedroom needs a lock NOW
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Single Moms
We know how hard you work to juggle responsible parenting and job demands. And, as solo moms, we also know first hand the sacrifices these unrelenting efforts require. Some of these sacrifices, like passing up those gorgeous stilettos because the kids need sneakers (again), just need to happen for our kids’ sakes.
Some sacrifices, however, are simply not necessary or healthy. Privacy hits the top of our list when it comes to a “silly” sacrifice.
We’re anxious to share our perspective on privacy — and to open up a conversation about how we can take back the personal privacy so many of us have somehow lost. Maybe you’re the kind of parent who taught your kids early on that “privacy” means a closed door? You were the mom or dad who told your children when they were very little, “Knock on my door before you open it.” Or, maybe closed doors haven’t really come into play for you — yet? Have you been so relaxed about privacy that you’ve rarely closed your bedroom door?
Here’s why we think every parent needs a lock on his/her bedroom door:
1. Putting a lock on your bedroom door is plain, old common sense. It’s the same thinking ahead strategy you used when you installed kid-proofing latches on kitchen and bathroom cabinet doors.
Likely, you installed kid proof latches as safety precautions long before your babies could crawl. That’s because you know that no one is able to keep his/her eyes on a child at every moment. Since you planned ahead for what would inevitably come (pun intended), you didn’t need to “jump” every time your toddler scampered off into the kitchen or bathroom.
2. Your bedroom is NOT the family room. Grown up sleepovers aside, you deserve time to yourself — to talk on the phone privately, read a book, watch a movie alone…. Setting up a private space early on is not just a good idea for your kids — but for you, too. You deserve a kid free space strictly reserved for whatever feeds your soul.
3. Your own space lets you fantasize and rediscover yourself. Traumatic break-ups, emotional upheavals, job stress, and constant parenting challenges can all do a real number of your sex drive. If grown up sleepovers (or any kind of sexual pleasure) are going to happen for you, we believe it’s essential to create your own space.
We know that many you have strong feelings about how to combine responsible parenting with a fulfilling sex life in your own home. Some of you have told us that you’ve invited a date over for some late night fun — and then “snuck” him/her out before daylight. While others have made it very clear that they’d never risk getting caught by your kids, by bringing a date into your home while you’re “on duty” as a parent.
So, tell us:
Does a lock on your bedroom door strike you as a GREAT idea? Or somehow just *wrong*?
Is a kid-free space essential for a healthy sex life?
If not, what are your tips for balancing your family life and private pleasures?
~~~
Photo via Flickr: katlantis
|
Ultimate go-to guide for single mothers. The Complete Single Mother is the only comprehensive and best selling self help book ever written for single parents. It’s packed with savvy advice, sisterly comfort, as well as reassuring answers to all your single mom challenges. |
|
Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
No related posts.
Twitter @ LTripleR
I had to put a lock on my door when it became evident that one was needed after I had a guest over—and we ALMOST got caught. That being said, I also don’t make it a practice of having anyone over when my daughter is with me. However, there have been weak moments when someone popping over it the middle of the night to fufill a fantasy took control of my better judgetment. It is the exception vs. the norm.
That being said, I love a little “me” time and I certainly am ok to use the lock when I do engage in that on my own.
Twitter @ ivelanded
I really really disagree with this list.
There isn’t a “one size fits all” answer, and proclaiming there is is just short sighted.
I think the answer is teaching your children things like respect for others things and spaces and teaching healthy boundaries early on that are reinforced with love and compassion (i.e. teaching your kid that “sometimes mama needs some alone time” and then setting aside another time for cuddles).
Using a lock on a door to create a space seems like it would eventually create an atmosphere of distrust and seems to enforce ideas of selfishness rather than healthy relationships. If someone has trouble creating healthy boundaries as a parent then the lock on the door seems like a band-aid to a larger problem. And I just cringe at the idea of living in a home where I’d say to my kids “This is MY space and YOU AREN’T ALLOWED IN IT!”. Ugh….it just feels ugly, immature, selfish, and unhealthy.
I’ve lived my entire parent-life in turn-of-the-century homes with no locks on doors. In fact, my current home doesn’t even have a lock on the bathroom door……..it’s just an old house that was made that way. I’ve never had a problem. I’ve taught my children that my room is my room, they are welcome in it most of the time, but then again there isn’t a lot of fun stuff in it. I make sure to keep it a toy-free zone, so it is my retreat. I cherish nights with the kids where we all curl up in my bed to watch TV, and I’ve never had a problem when I’ve said “Mama needs to be alone for a little bit” or “You can’t come in right this second”. Locks have never been a necessity in my home and yet I don’t feel like I’ve sacrificed any privacy or peace.
I think I may get where you guys are coming from….there has been such a radical swing to the left in parenting and our generation of moms seems to be constantly scolded into “giving your kid whatever he wants and being there all the time no matter what” levels of “attachment parenting”. Moms certainly need their own space, their own time, things that are just theirs. Of course.
But saying it’s a “necessity” to have a lock on your door? No, it’s just not. Especially without any context about having healthy boundaries and trust in the home and merely “locking the kids out”? No. Just no. It’s not a necessity at all. And in the limited context of this list, it potentially could be downright damaging to a family.
C Lo´s last blog ..cute overload
I agree wholeheartedly. Do I use my lock often? No. But I do close my door, just as my son’s door is closed when he is in bed. He has autism, so understanding about knocking comes and goes, and he particularly has a problem in the morning when he wants to come in and snuggle (which we do every morning for about 15 minutes before we wake up.
Creating that “me” space is essential.
You can still have a trusting, healthy relationship with your child/ren if you have a lock on your door.
Twitter @ JRRSEhopeCoach
Wow – when I came here to read this post I hadn’t anticipated the subject bringing such strong responses! And I’ve got to say that I see both viewpoints written above.
Here’s my experience: Mom of four ranging in age (now) from 19 to 30, most of that time I was a single parent. I dated sometimes, and having a lock on the door was essential. While I never did the “sneak them in/out” thing, I often felt like it. And it was super important to me that they not ‘get an eye-full of adult-style pleasure’ by accidentally walking into my room. I will say that I’ve infrequently actually locked my door, but having it was important. I’ve also provided a lock for my son’s door, which he experiences as wonderful respect.
There are times other than “grownup sleepovers” when I’ve used the lock too, that I think are worth mentioning. My youngest son has mental health issues, and when he’s having a rough time he forgets boundaries completely. I always open my door, but its locked as a reminder. The other time I’ve used the lock has to do with moments, however infrequent, of my own emotional overload. There were times I just needed to run upstairs and cry behind a locked door, then come out and reengage.
I know that making the transition from being 100% always available (to my kids when they were younger), and modeling/actively teaching appropriate boundaries and taking my own space, has been more difficult than I expected. Perhaps neither extreme is appropriate or healthy: a focus on kids only at one extreme or a focus on mom’s needs exclusively on the other. The older my kids get, the more I get to see how vital it is to work through this, and finding balance somewhere in the middle is the goal.
Its been important to me to not choose how to deal with this issue by reacting *against* or *with* the way I was raised, but to consciously and intentionally choose the best course of action for me and my own little family. I anticipate reading more responses!
~RJ
RJ´s last blog ..Losing the kids
Twitter @ http://www.farfromflawlesslife.blogspot.com
I have a lock on the bedroom and bathroom door and I do use it. My children are age 3, 5 and 6 years old and they don’t always remember to knock; and they usually want me available at all times. Primarily, I use the lock in the bathrom and occasionally my bedroom when I want some uniterrupted phone time, regrouping emotional space, etc. I always annouce, “Mommy needs some private time,” and they generally comply.
I view the bedrooms as personal space and each child gets to determine what happens in their room (within boundaries) and even may say when a sibling is not welcome there. I find that having personal space empowers them with a sense of control, encourages responsible habits (clothes in the hamper please, make up the bed, etc.) and allows creative expression. These are important traits in developing character.
Twitter @ traciwhitney
The only times I’ve locked my kids out are when I’m on the phone and they never seem to comply with the request “mommy’s on the phone, I’ll help you in a couple of minutes”, so if it’s a work call I’ll actually lock myself in the bathroom if I’m desperate and hope that my clients don’t hear my kids banging on the door! LOL!
I do see a need, however, to have a lock on the bedroom door. I don’t see any harm in it, as long as the parent isn’t sleeping and can hear the kids if there’s a problem. When the kids rely on me for everything, all the time, they have trouble sometimes not asking me for help with every little thing. I’ll have to work on that! : )
Twitter @ http://www.howdoesshedoitmom.com
We just moved…our old bedroom did in fact have a lock on it…the new one does not. The only time we ever locked the door was when we were intimate..HOWEVER…our bedroom is a no play, no hang-out, no kid zone. The kids know that they are not allowed in our room unless they are invited to come in by us. It is the one space in the house that is ours. Our bedroom is our place of peace and tranquility and while we adore the kids we like to keep it sacred to us!
They don’t complain and they are growing up learning respect of other people’s space.
How Does She Do It Mom´s last blog ..Life Goals For Moms- Part 4
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
Boundaries should not be feared by parents. While a good parent should clearly be available for their children and do whatever is needed for their children — a child should not be permitted absolute reign over a parent or the household.
Private time (whether for being intimate or otherwise) is entirely appropriate, as are locks on doors to ensure such privacy. Obviously, if a child needs constant supervision then a parent should not allow the child to be on his/her own. However, if the child is old enough to not need constant supervision, and an emergency occurs or a child *must* have a parent’s attention, then while a bedroom is locked, a child’s knocks on the door (and communication of the problem) can accomplish same. Teaching a child boundaries (and that the child cannot have whatever the child wants or cannot go wherever the child likes) is as important as being there for your child when they need your support.
Twitter @ http://www.singleparentfaith.blogspot.com
Ditto to C Lo’s comment. I agree that from a child’s perspective, there’s a high risk of creating an “…….atmosphere of distrust and seems to enforce ideas of selfishness rather than healthy relationships.” I understand the rationale from an adult’s perspective, but it’s all about how a child could perceive it. It fosters an “unwelcomeness” rather than a defining of boundaries.
Seems to me there is a second topic that was harnessed to the lock topic. That is facilitating sexual relationships, and using locks as a safeguard to preventing a child from walking in. Kids are very sharp and just because you put a lock on the door doesn’t mean they don’t hear, sense, or pick up on what’s occurring behind the door. If they are very young they may not be able to verbalize it or understand it, but they are processing it nonetheless. This more so in the case where it’s not a spouse situation, but rather some guy/gal they may/may not know. Either way, it sets up an environment of secrecy and hiding. Sounds damaging. And the repercussions in the future when the child gets older, may be mimicking the behavior. Hiding, doing things behind the parent’s back. All in the name of privacy.
I get that we single parents need time to rejuvinate and alone time. But we are the adults and we can be creative about how we achieve that. I take “my time” when my daughter is with her dad, or after I put my daughter to bed. I don’t use a lock. And yes, when she was younger, there were many times during “me time” where she called out to me and I had to put “me” on hold. I got over it. They are only young once. And they grow up so fast.
Ella´s last blog ..
Twitter @ Singlemommyhood
What great comments. Thank you all for joining the conversation.
Twitter @ thinksfunny
Yep, I’m the parent that taught about the closed door. However, I now have an adopted 10-year-old (1.5 years in the house) and two teens (2 months in the house). We have had to sacrifice some bathroom privacy as we we don’t have enough for four women (I’m having bath No. 2 expanded now, so we’re locked into one bathroom for all of us.). However, a closed bedroom door means KNOCK. And if it’s after 9 p.m., it means DO NOT KNOCK UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY. I felt that having a lock only on MY door was somehow not right if I didn’t allow locks on any other door. And with teen issues (cutting, etc.), I don’t believe any other door can safely have a lock in my home.
Privacy is respected here. Probably because I become a fire-breathing dragon if the rule is broken. Locks in my home were purposely removed for safety reasons. I worry about my kids and I have kids with issues. But they do respect the “Monster Mother” that I become. It’s amazing what a 5-foot 115 pound woman can do with a nasty look and a growl….
Tamara: You sound like you mean business – Bravo! Thanks for joining this conversation. Please visit us again soon.
Thank you for this.
When I was married, we locked our door during sex. Even though we were both their biological parents, there was no need for them to have to understand the sex act before they were ready and it had been explained to them in a gentle, non-threatening way. That was me not as a single parent, but just as a parent, period.
Now I’m single and I have the same rules as when I was married. My bedroom is not “MINE KEEP OUT!” My bedroom is “Mine. Please knock. I need my space.” And it is selfish, but not in a bad way. I am a person, too, and I need my room, and I need adult relationships. I try to balance my own needs with those of my kids but I’m no martyr and that’s not the kind of lifestyle I want to model for them… that of the single-mom martyr. I don’t think it’s necessary or healthy.
Of course there are sacrifices I make. I don’t see my boyfriend nearly as often as I’d like because he hasn’t met the kids and won’t for several more months. We can’t spend vacations together for this reason (he has joint custody but I have full custody and dad has visitation). I don’t get to spend money on presents for him… I spend enough on birthday presents for my kids’ friends. I don’t think I’m terribly selfish.
But I’m a much happier person when I can be a whole person, a person who has the right to romantic and platonic relationships, who can have a happy hour with colleagues once in awhile. I think that I should have as many rights as a married person has, given how hard I worked to make my marriage happen. I don’t. But at least I should have this.