When the (married) bio-dad was never told
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
We’ve chatted about telling a bio-dad’s unsuspecting parents —or not—about their *surprise* grandchildren. And a bunch of other bio-dad dramas to which so many of us can relate. We must confess, however, that this complicated bio-dad family drama left us shaking our heads.
We really need you to help this solo mom make a decision.
“Unfortunately my story is no fairytale,” this mom said as she began her story. “It’s complicated and messy. And I’m definitely not proud of some of my choices.”
Here’s what this mom told us:
Right after high school graduation, this mom thought she’d met her soul mate. Although they moved in together, she stressed that *some day* she wanted to get married and have children. Her boyfriend agreed. *Some day* never came. Eventually, they split up.
When they broke up, this reader was living in a fairly isolated area far from her family. Her neighbor became her surrogate mom. Lonely and vulnerable, she started chatting via cell phone to her neighbor’s son who lived in a distant state. Later, they met in person.
Instant attraction. Predictably, this guy told her what she wanted to hear — he was unhappy with his girlfriend. And he hinted that may-be the two of them had a future. Their long distance relationship eventually fizzled. She forgot about him—as best she could — and moved on.
Last summer her surrogate mom invited her to this same distant state for a family reunion. Not surprisingly, sparks flew between this reader and her former boyfriend. During the week long visit, they talked for hours every day. In denial — we understand— she interpreted these conversations as simply “family love”.
After all, this former boy friend was now married with a couple of young kids.
What happened next will not surprise you. After more hours of talking, he kissed her. She knew it was wrong. But, she hadn’t had sex in nearly a year. This one night stand (more like fifteen minutes) produced a healthy baby boy.
Here’s the situation right now. This mom now shares a home with her own mother. Her surrogate mom has been very supportive. Certain bio-dad family members know about the baby — others do not. The bio-dad has not been told. The surrogate mom fears that, if her son’s wife finds out, she’ll never get to see those grandchildren again.
This mom wants the bio-dad to know. She hates the secrecy.
We’d love to hear your thoughts on the best course of action.
Should she wait until some family member spills the beans?
Or should she contact the bio-dad and tell him the truth?
After all, isn’t this his call whether he tells his wife — or not?
~~~
Photo via Flickr: Indrasensi
|
Ultimate go-to guide for single mothers. The Complete Single Mother is the only comprehensive and best selling self help book ever written for single parents. It’s packed with savvy advice, sisterly comfort, as well as reassuring answers to all your single mom challenges. |
|
Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
Related posts:
- When Dad enters rehab (again) Our hearts sank when we read this poignant message from a single mom who reached out to us for help...
- When you’re the parent of a newborn — and getting a divorce When we asked about breaking up when you’re pregnant, you shared an incredible number of heartbreaking stories. So, we know...
Twitter @ elizabethfclark
WOW. I feel the bio dad needs to know. This mom can’t keep carrying this burden of a secret child alone. I wish her well in her journey.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
i can’t follow who is who, but i see nno reason to tell the bio dad. obviously he isn’t interested in her. he already has a family. it will add stress to her “mom”.
why does she want to tell? is there the dream of a family in her thoughts? honestly, how would she feel if the bio dad said, “great! I want custody. this boy should know his brothers” and his wife waas on board. she would be left out in the cold.
She needs to tell the bio dad asap. I also can’t wrap my head around the “surrogate mom” and her decision to keep this information from her son. If I were him, and I found out that my mother knew that I had fathers a child, I’d be livid. I’m a woman, but still. Also, her fears about not seeing her other grandchildren, should the wife find out, could be unfounded. If the bio dad is already a father, he might think it unfathomable to ignore and not try to be there and/or support this baby, once he learns of his
existence.
If not, that’s why we have the court system. I think the poster should arrange to tell the bio dad about the baby. She should also
arrange for paternity testing and custody/support, just in case. I think it’s better for all to have that in place, just in case. If the poster chooses not to tell the bio dad, somewhere along the line, someone is going to slip and spill the beans. Imagine what would happen in 10 years, should this baby boy overhear something? What if bio dad’s wife overhears something? What if bio dad overhears something? Or what if one of the family members involved just outright tells the tale? Then you have a child who feels he’s been lied to, a bio dad who will feel the same (and doubly so because his mother was in on the secret), and the original poster who is already incredibly burdened keeping this a secret.
No judgement at ALL. I totally understand how this could have happened. Bio dad might be supportive and want to be in the boy’s life. He may not. But I think the poster should tell him regardless. It’s too heavy a burden to bear, and if her son has a chance at having a dad in his life who could be supportive and at least somewhat present, given the distance, I think she should tell. As for bio dad’s wife, that’s his responsibility to tell her and deal with the fallout. Should the poster have slept w a married man? Probably not. We’ve all made poor choices at one time or another. (again, no judgement
But he was the one married with children.
The fallout from this in his own marriage is his responsibility. The poster has to do what’s best for her and her son, and in my opinion, she should tell the truth.
Oh my goodness please tell the bio dad. It isn’t your fault nor your son’s if the rest of his family falls apart because of his decision to cheat. It’s certainly your place to inform him he has another child. You owe it to your son.
Please do not expect a family to cone from telling him. Just fulfill your responsibility by telling him and let the pieces fall where they may.
Secrets, lead to more problems. The baby was conceived due to their bad decisions. Don’t make another bad decision, for now their is a innocent life at stake. The innocent child should not be robbed, in order for everyone to gain happiness.
lala´s last blog ..Single Moms You Are A Blessing
It’s hard to know what to say because we know so little. Why does this woman want to tell the bio-dad? I think understanding her motivations for telling him should guide this decision, NOT the surrogate mom’s fear of losing her grandkids. I question her involvement regarding counseling her to keep this a secret from her own son.
HOWEVER, that said, if her goal is to have him participate in her child’s life, then she should tell him. If she is looking to create a life with him and using this baby as a pathway to that goal, I would advise to rethink her motivations.
Life happens, we aren’t always proud of the choices we make or the results they yield. For me, I know that always thinking about how this helps/hurts/enhances my daughter’s life has been a great yard stick for how I have communicated with and made decisions around my daughter’s father.
I don’t envy this mom’s soul searching and decision she has ahead, but I would advise her to leave both her mom and surrogate mom out of the process.
VA Mom: I think you’re right about the motivation for telling bio Dad. What I gleaned was that she is having a hard time keeping the secret, but she should take a look at her expectations to make sure they’re realistic. I also agree w you about leaving surrogate mom out of the decision. The post didn’t say, but (and this is
a big guess) I bet surrogate mom is trying to influence her NOT to tell bc of her own fears. Surrogate mom shouldn’t be part of her decision at all.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com/2011/05/when-the-married-bio-dad-was-never-told/
I am a biologist and just want to comment that mammals evolved with a system where the father doesn’t know he’s the father. Fathers who court the female, guard the female, and stay very close can be more sure the offspring are theirs. But I’m not sure that absent bio-dads have a “right” to the knowledge. As mothers we can be pretty sure who the father of our children is, but not always. I do wonder what the survival advantage is with this system.
Rachel: Thanks for adding your professional perspective to this conversation. Frankly, we never thought of that particular angle. Please drop by again soon.
Twitter @ http://giggedygeekmum.wordpress.com
Sure, we’re mammals but we’ve also risen above the point where survival is the only goal of living. I’m sure you’re familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. This isn’t a question of what’s good for the child’s survival (although one might argue child support could help the mother’s financial stability and therefore the child as well.) We’re talking about the implications for morality, social acceptance, and self-respect.
I would say that the father should know. To be honest this information won’t be a secret forever. That’s not how these things work. If this boy manages to make it to adulthood without biodad finding out (which is pretty unlikely given dads contact with those who do know) the son will likely seek out information on his own. The sooner this comes to light the better. I think we can be reasonably certain it’s going to involve hurt feelings and difficult interactions but the longer its left off the worse it will be. This is one band-aid that needs to be ripped before the wound has a chance to get worse.
GM: Much truth in what you say. Secrets definitely don’t stay secrets for very long, particularly one known by so many people. Thanks for joining the conversation. Please visit us again soon.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com/2011/05/when-the-married-bio-dad-was-never-told/
I agree with GM. It seems better to tell the dad and the child the truth now rather than later. I’m in the same situation 12 years later and now I wish I hadn’t kept the secret so long. Now it’s too late to tell without devastating consequences for my child. But at this point I’m planning to ” take it to the grave”. Somehow, I think that many women before me have made this choice, for many reasons. But the stress of keeping the secret does takes a toll.
Twitter @ http://www.parentinganddating.com
I think we live in a society where people commit selfish acts and somehow, for some reason, when anyone calls those choices by their rightful name, that person is attacked as if he/she committed some hateful act. It is as though people can harm their spouses, hurt their kids, destroy families, and everyone else has to ‘accept’ that and not judge. The scenario described above should NEVER have happened. I think it is EXTREMELY unfair for this woman’s husband to be raising someone else’s son (loving this son and this son loving him). It feels like two selfish people duped many good people, but now there is nowhere to run, and they are searching for way to minimize damage they created. I am also not clear if this woman is protecting her husband (she certainly did not care about her husband all these years) or protecting her own reputation in front of her son, family, friends. YES, her husband will be hurt. I cannot even imagine the pain he would feel. Yes, her son will be hurt, confused and depressed. There is NO WAY out of this. Yes, the husband deserves the right to know. He does. And YES, the son HAS TO KNOW. There could be many situations in the future, medical situations (forget about moral or ethical – that ship has sailed and this woman with her lover don’t seem to have the moral conscience) when her son, or her son’s children simply need to know their bloodline. It has to happen. But, is this “mother and wife” really willing to handle the situation should her son turn away from her. It is her reputation that is on the line. Her husband did nothing wrong. He took care of a boy he loves as his own. The boy loves the only father he ever knew. But her reputation, will be destroyed forever. Is she really willing to handle that?