Should a tween decide the parenting time schedule?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Dads
Our conversations about co-parenting challenges highlight your commitment to doing what’s right for your kids. You’ve taught us (and we’re grateful) that co-parenting issues change as kids get older. Also, parents’ relationship statuses change. Frankly, we’ve never talked about kids’ roles in deciding parenting time schedules. So, when this conflicted single mom – who asked to remain anonymous – contacted us for help, we rushed to share her situation with you. Here’s what’s going on: This divorced mom’s 12-year-old daughter has always split time between both parents’ homes. But after this girl’s dad got remarried, things changed.
“My daughter doesn’t really click with her new step-mom,” this single moms says. “She doesn’t feel like she’s a priority in their home.”
Lifestyle differences also complicate the situation. Her dad’s home vibe is anti-commercialism, with a bit of urban hippie tossed in. This couple does not own a television. Cell phone and internet use are not allowed. The rules about snacks and meals – from Mom’s perspective – are rather strict.
Moreover, her step-mom also has young daughter, which means more blended family challenges. (Happily, however, no nasty kid squabbles complicate matters.) But, her daughter feels more comfortable at her mom’s house. Part of that comfort is certainly about unfettered online and cell phone access, but her unhappiness with parenting time seems to run deeper than simply missing screen time.
Lately, this tween has expressed much reluctance about spending time with Dad. She often asks if she can just stay home and not see her father. And Mom is not sure what to say.
Her gut instinct is to let her daughter skip parenting time – after all, thinking of her daughter unhappy and uncomfortable is really upsetting. In addition, it was always in the back of this mom’s mind that when her daughter reached her teen years, she’d have a voice in parenting time options. On the other hand – and this is important – if parenting time is curtailed, their daughter’s already fragile relationship with her dad and his wife may further deteriorate. Right now, Dad is not taking much of what Mom tells him of his daughter’s feelings seriously.
So, this single mom is reaching out to you for advice.
When is a kid old enough to have a say about the parenting time schedule?
Should this tween have the choice to skip parenting time with Dad?
Or should this mom renew her efforts to impress upon Dad and his new wife the importance of making his daughter feel at home?
Or should they just stick with the present custody schedule?
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Twitter @ tsquest
I think the dad should try listening to his daughter. And she should try listening to him.
Just because the tween is not feeling comfortable with new rules doesn’t mean she can opt out of following them. Now I think she should certainly be heard at her father’s house. She should tell him how she feels… not complain to Mom and have Mom figure out how to make her feel better. If the mom feels the child is old enough to have a say, then the child is old enough to talk to Dad about it.
Normally, I’d have a snarky response ready to go but this is something I have experience in—as a child.
She has to go. Up until the situation becomes abusive or spectacularly weird, you have an obligation to cause her to endure her father’s lugubriousness.
When she gets a little older, say 16, then I would readdress the situation with her. Mostly because 16 year olds can drive and they rule the world so you have to pay due respect to her power.
But the Dad needs to understand that his hipster cred is preceded by his responsibilities to his daughter, one of which is to listen to her. Both to her words and to all that is unspoken by them.
Teens press for normalcy and compliance to the quo with great vigor. To be placed into a home that is, apparently, Amish, is taking her very very far from where she feels comfortable. It’s certainly his prerogative to live his life as he sees fit, but he needs to recognize how his hippy choices affect his girl.
It would be better to work out a deal with her, giving her circumstances at the pop’s place wherein she can engage in her normal activities, or version of them, that won’t intrude on the cromag stylings of his crib.
Like, she might be able to have an hour with her smartphone just before bedtime to check email, etc. She has to do it behind closed doors in the parents’ room or an office or their root cellar-cum-coffee roasting room-cum-band management office-cum-planking practice space.
Finally, Dad needs to recognize the elemental force of a teen girl and realize he is up against a mountain of oh-no-you-don’t and act accordingly.
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
It is pretty common for kids/teens to want to spend more time with a parent who allows them to (1) go on more vacations, (2) eat more junk food, (3) watch more TV, (4) have later curfews, (5) have more internet/cell phone time, (6) have a larger room, (8) etc. And that preference or stricter rules really doesn’t merit skipping out on time with Dad or Mom.
And frankly almost every child of co-parents will likely feel a bit more comfortable at one of their homes, and that is a fact of life. That also is not a reason to skip out on time with Dad or Mom. Each relationship is different, and allowing a child to make all choices based on simple comfort decisions isn’t healthy either. Here, Dad and Daughter have a relationship, and it should be fostered by time together.
13 is clearly an age when a child can have a say in parental time (i.e., wanting week-on-week-off or certain days with X parent due to football practice), but it is NOT an age where they are in a position to forgo seeing a parent (absent abusive or dangerous situations, obviously).
I agree with @tsquest, that ideally the 13-year-old should have a talk with Dad about her concerns (and hopefully have a say in the house rules) — but even if that conversation doesn’t change the rules, the child shouldn’t be allowed to skip that time.
Further, remember we’re only hearing this story from ONE SIDE. Both parents NEED TO SUPPORT the other co-parent. Is the Mom in the above situation saying: “I’m so sorry you have to go to your father’s this weekend!”? Is the Mom in the above situation really upset about the father having different rules and/or complaining about the rules to her Daughter? Each house will have different rules/events/situation, and part of growing up us adapting to new situations (e.g., camp, college). Mom should be as supportive as possible about “Dad’s Time” and not waiver ONE BIT about the daughter spending time with her father.
Frankly, I teach middle school, and tweens should not be deciding much. This is the time when they are starting to test boundaries, and will take you as far as you let them. I agree with the other posters.
Twitter @ singleguywkids
When I was around fifteen I opted out of spending weekends with my dad because of my step mother and because I wanted to “hang” with my friends.
Now that my father is gone, it’s a decision I deeply regret. I only wish that if I went back in time, someone would have not allowed me to make that choice. Even if it was for a few more years.
Do everything in your power to keep your daughter close to her father. It’s so important to not allow kids to have choices about certain things. A good example may be that a child doesn’t want to do homework. Does that mean we allow it because they are teenagers and know what’s good for them? Of course not.
Maybe dad should also be involved in doing things differently. Maybe a Daddy/Daughter weekend or something that would make your daughter feel like a priority.
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
I agree with everyone else~ about whether or not a tween should choose parenting time. A hippy-ish father is not a crime~ he is not hurting his daughter~ and his daughter can decide when she becomes an adult how much (or not) of a hippy she wants to be.
When parents remarry, there will always be changes~ often uncomfortable, but not necessarily harmful (and in this case, they don’t sound dangerous at all~ in fact, they sound very clear about their rules and expectation). Give everyone a chance to feel at home with the new family.
Like Anna said, tweens and teens don’t generally make the best decision. They still need plenty of guidance.
Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
I agree with those that have said that the 12 year old shouldn’t have this kind of decision making power. There are going to be different rules at each parent’s house, and some of them, the daughter isn’t going to like. What will happen if the mom suddenly creates some new rules that the daughter doesn’t like? Is she going to opt to go live with the grandparents?
Now, having said that, I do think that the daughter should have a chat with the dad (maybe with mom there for support and to help her daughter find her voice) and let him know that she’s not happy with the rules and that it’s affecting her feelings. But since the beginning of time, parents have created rules that their tweens and teens did not like. Not always enjoying her time or being a little uncomfy at dad’s house is not reason enough to basically destroy her relationship with her dad.
And though it may not be the mom’s “job” to ensure that her daughter has a good relationship with her dad, I do think that it’s her job to not further aid breaking it down.
Twitter @ klstirling
Ok, so as someone with her own “Daddy issues” I have to say these feelings the daughter is having aren’t just going to go away b/c she spends less time with her father and the whole family needs to recognize that. The issue is that she feels he’s not making her a prioritiy and listening to her feelings. In return she’s not willing to adhere to Dad’s new rules because she feels she’s not part of that family. Now on the one hand I say to the daughter get over it, those are his rules. On the other hand, the Dad needs to be openminded enough to at least have a dialoge about the daughter’s feelings (that doesn’t mean he needs to change the rules but she needs to feel heard).I think it’s incumbent upon all of them (mom, daughter, dad & step mom) to keep trying to make an effort to fix this situation. Avoidance by any of them will only create deeper feelings of abandonment and resentment. I understand the Mother doesn’t want her daughter to feel uncomfortable but she will need to keep pushing them to try and work it out. The Dad needs to try and be more understanding of his daughter’s feelings. The daugther needs to be more accepting of Dad’s new rules and lifestyle. And finally the step-mom needs to try and be as supportive as possible to her new husband and step-daughter’s changing relationship and helping them to grow together in a positive way. It will be tough for all of them but it really will be worth it in the end. In all this I would also don’t forget the Step-mom’s daughter and she’s part of the family now too. Don’t let her get lost in the shuffle or you’ll end up right back in the same situation with her later. Best of luck to all of them!
Twitter @ DirtyInPublic
I agree with most everyone. A 12 yr old is way to young to make decisions that have wide-ranging consequences that she is unable to fathom at this point in her life. Although I believe that the daughters feelings about being less of a priority are genuine, I seriously doubt it is due to anything that her father or step-mother are doing or not doing; it’s ‘blending pains’. I have personally played both roles in this scenario {once as a child and now as a step-parent with a child of my own} and to minimize the impact blending families can have is fool hearty.
My advice:
1) Mom to support daughters continued visitation to her fathers.
2) I strongly encourage a family meeting where all family members including the daughter and step-mother sit down and discuss what the issues are and brainstorm as a group ways to solve the problems. This has been highly successful in dealing with our family issues; as well as, allowing for everyone to feel as thought they are being heard.Everyone may discover underlying issues that they may have never known existed.
4) Maybe the father can spend some quality time alone with his daughter. Find a common interest with his daughter and share it with her {example, join a class together, take morning jogs, etc.} or go on ‘dates’ once a month. Just a little time out of life that is spent getting to know each other again.
3)And this is the tough one, Mom needs to trust that her ex-husband loves and cares for his daughter just a much as she does; even though, he may show it in different ways.
Well, that’s all I got. It’s a tough situation and I hope that whatever course the family takes there can be love and understanding found.
Twitter @ DirtyInPublic
Just wanted to apologize to everyone for all the errors in my comment! Apparently I can’t comment and help my daughter with her homework at the same time. Multi-tasking fail!
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
if mom has made dad aware of the situation, and he isn’t hearing that; there is your issue. mom cannot create a relationship with her daughter and the girls father. mom can send the daughter on the visits, even when it gets worse, and it impacts moms relationship with the daughter.
the daughter has spoken and her concerns are being dismissed. even by everyone here. she’s too young, she doesn’t know what she’s doing, etc. these are the girls feelings, so she can’t be wrong about that. do whatever you like about the visitation; thats not your issue here. dad not caring what the girls feelings/concerns are is your issue. it will snowball until its addressed.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
Yes, Dad and Daughter need to learn (re-learn?) how to talk to each other. Perhaps. At the very least, the manner in which they speak to each other needs to be clear, moderate, and respectful.
But she’s twelve. Not 16, not 18. Still very much a kid, but a kid in flux, a kid testing boundaries, and like most kids of divorce (I’ve known, and that’s plenty), she’ll know how to work both her parents (especially mom?) to get what she wants.
Um, don’t all tweens and teens do this – regardless of the parents’ marital status?
Frankly, some of her dad’s “anti-commercial” leanings might be good for all our children, and opting out is neither fair (to the dad) nor good (in the long run) for the daughter.
Aren’t there some compromises possible? A means to bring some sort of gadgetry to Dad’s with a limit on its usage?
I agree with those who say it sounds like there are other blended family issues going on. More time with Dad – possibly one-on-one – sounds like a better idea than less.
if she spends more time at dads, chances are, she will feel more comfortable. big deal that they don’t have any high- tech stuff. they must keep busy somehow, i’m sure they don’t spend their time twiddling their thumbs & staring at eachother or watching the grass grow. but alot of kids in this situation can benefit from counseling, along with mom, dad, & the new stepmom. being a kid with divorced parents can be pretty upsetting, & adding a new stepmom & step-sister can make it even harder. if dad is not hearing his daughters complaints & trying to work out a compromise, a counselor can help her reach him better. but mom needs to encourage her to go to dads house. it doesn’t sound like there were any issues before her new stepmom. personally i don’t feel this is a good enough reason to skip out on dad. she will regret it in the long run.
Twitter @ IveLanded
I wanted to thank everyone for commenting and opening my eyes to some things here. I am the mama that posed this question and it’s been weighing heavy on me for a while.
While my daughters dad and I get along perfectly nicely on day to day matters, he still carries a large chip on his shoulder about any serious issue I bring to the table and he steadfastly just does not listen to me about anything important, ever. It’s been 12 years (we were never married) and I’ve kind of come to accept it and just go my own way in my home. I’m not angry with him at all, I’m sad that this chip prevents him from being more receptive to our daughter when she’s with him.
The hardest part is that my baby girl will cry to me “I don’t want to go to Daddys house”. And she’s not whining…….she’s not throwing a fit……she’s truly sad and upset to have to go. I have always always always bent over backwards to facilitate them having a good relationship. I don’t believe the baggage between her dad and I really matters at the end of the day…..I never speak ill of him, and I always encourage her to go. But lately her desire to stay with me has increased so much and her sadness at having to go with her dad is so high……it’s killing me.
The differences in our household may be exaggerated as an issue. I know she enjoys that we have a TV and she can jump online more often here than at her dads, but honestly that is a small part. I’m a bit of an urban hippie myself and so all that stuff is limited at my home too. Just not as extremely as at her dads.
I think the bigger issue is *probably* that she’s going through a lot of pre-teeny stuff and wants to be around her MOM, the woman that understands what she’s going through. She’s talking about boys and bras and her period and all that. I think it’s just her wanting to be around her FEMALE parent because I can relate, and we talk very openly about all that stuff. We’ve gotten to a point where she borrows my jewelry or lotions or we will shop together…….we are both similar people, into similar things, and not only am I the same gender parent but we are just more alike than her and her dad. So I think there is a comfort level while she is going through these changes, not to mention she’s obviously been getting more emotional lately……and her dad is NOT emotional at all.
But everyone here makes excellent points. My biggest concern is telling her to go, and risking that she thinks I don’t want her here. I am having a hard time lately with conveying that she needs to go spend time with her other family without making it seem like I’m shoving her out the door. If I could have my kids 100% of the time all the time, I’d JUMP at that chance!
I will work on making it seem positive to go over there. After 12 years, I’ve kind of given up communicating seriously with her dad, he just never listens to me. Not sure how to handle that. Gents on the site, if you have any advice on that aspect, I’m all ears.
Let your daughter decide…I am a single mom of 3 girls and 1 likes the connection with dad while the older 2 are different from how he chooses his life to be….we agreed we would never force the girls either way because life for them should be about being where they are comfortable and can become their own individual self. Now don’t get me wrong there is no disrespect to my ex…the girls have to respect him as their father but we also respect them as our children and want them to become responsible independent adults some day. Also your daughters dad needs a wake up call this isn’t about him it about her.
Twitter @ fullcrcleparent
Wow. This is a tough one. I was really surprised to see such a clear leaning in one direction here. I’d lean the other way.
Here’s my take: There are times in a child’s life that he or she would have spent more time with one parent or the other if the parents were together. I strongly believe that it’s NOT the case (as was made in the Parenting After Separation course that I attended) that parents need to learn to “be both” parents after the separation/divorce. I think the most effective way to parent a child is by encouraging each parent to be the best parent they can be, “mostly” IN THE ROLES THAT ARE NATURAL TO EACH. Why does this dad need to be forced to become “as good as mom” at listening to the daughter? Why can’t he just be himself, supporting and loving his daughter in the way that works for him?
Why shouldn’t the girl spend more time with her mom, at a time when she needs her mom’s input into her life more? Why shouldn’t they alter parenting time so that dad and daughter get to do the things that they both love doing with one another for a while, rather than spending non-specific “time” together, during which she may actually be spending more time with other family members, not her dad? Why shouldn’t the daughter take a bit of time off from her dad (not 100%, maybe they do every second weekend and a few dinners during the week or something) so that she can maintain her relationship with him in the long term, and not become resentful?
It IS a big problem that her dad won’t listen to her concerns. And, frankly, maybe he is unable, physically or emotionally to resolve those concerns anyway. When mom continues to make her go, when it doesn’t feel right to either of them, her daughter’s trust in her is damaged. Now the daughter has nowhere to turn as the bottom line – now no one is listening to her.
The best thing for the relationship may be to set it up so that the daughter WANTS to spend time with her dad when they’re together. Quality time may be more important than quantity time.
I was a 12-year-old girl once, with a dad who didn’t really understand me, and all I can say is Thank GOD I never HAD to spend time with him. I’d probably hate him now. Instead, I’ve come to terms with who he is and how he’s able to love me – in the best way he can, doing what he’s good at. Our relationship was a great example of having our time together pretty much be focused around fun – something my dad’s good at. We camped, went dancing, ate ice cream, swam all summer long. I’ve had to overcome some degree of resentment, but nothing insurmountable. My brother, on the other hand, was sent to go live with my dad for a year, and still has major issues with him.
If I were in your place, I’veLanded, I would advocate strongly for your daughter. I would work with her to figure out if another time structure would work better for her. I would think it all through and do everything possible to help her to be heard by her dad, including finding ways to have her reassure him that she still loves him and it’s not about that. Also including finding ways that she could suggest to him about negotiating on the things that might make a difference for her when she’s in his home, etc. Whether he ever agrees is not even the point.
The point is that your daughter needs to know that you won’t just keep telling her that her dad loves her so it can’t change. (Not assuming that’s all you’re saying – just showing the cliche.) She knows that already – she needs active advocating and negotiating, and she needs to feel like her needs, and opinion matter.
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
@IveLanded, thanks for the response and context.
(1) Does your daughter “think [you] don’t want her here” when you tell her she has to go to school? …to the doctors? …to camp? …with a babysitter? Probably not. As long as you show her love and support (which it sound like you do), she’ll know that you want her with you. My Mom always treated going to my Dad’s place as “just something that we do without debate” and I never once felt (even slightly) that she didn’t want me with her all of the time.
(2) I would also encourage that you still communicate as much as you need to with your co-parent. Even if he’s never listens, you need to be able to say that *at the least* you tried to communicate. Obviously, you need to be careful not to incite animosity in your communication (i.e., “Daughter hates spending time with you” would be a *BAD* idea)… but statements about general welfare and comments like (“I know your cell phone/emails rules are important, but do you think Daughter might be able to get an exception for homework or brief touching base with schoolmates about school assignments?”) might make some headway.
GOOD LUCK!
Twitter @ chopperpapa
Two thought here:
1. dad needs to lighten up a bid. C’mon dude. She’s twelve. Taking her phone away is as serious to her as cutting off her arm. I think he needs to move a bit to the middle.
2. This smells a bit ‘self interest’, it seems she almost wants the daughter to have issues with dad. She’s 12 she should speak with the dad, it shouldn’t be mom’s responsibility to do this. And the moment you allow the daughter to dictate parenting arrangements two things happen. First she will begin to dictate all sorts of things and second she has the in to pit mom against dad in any future conflicts.
Twitter @ IveLanded
I don’t want her to have issues with her dad. FWIW the history is that he didn’t want her. I moved to this city so they’d be closer. He FOUGHT custody for years, and I FOUGHT to have him involved at all. I’ve always had profound guilt for having a child outside of a family and, regardless of what *MY* issues are with him, I have always paved the way for them to have an easy relationship. I’ve asked to go to therapy with him, I’ve tried going to coffee and chatting…….I’ve bent over backwards for YEARS to try to have what I imagined our relationship SHOULD be like. He’s fought that. I may have my opinions about him behind the scenes but they are exactly that…….behind the scenes.
It absolutely breaks my heart that she is so upset to go. For many reasons.
She *should* be able to speak with him, but she also avoids confrontation and ever since she was old enough to know how, she goes out of her way to NOT hurt people’s feelings. When I suggested to her once “hey, maybe you should talk to your dad about this” she shut down. And I know my daughter…she doesn’t want her dad to get hurt and she probably doesn’t want him to think she doesn’t EVER want to be there. Maybe it’s my mistake in parenting, but I know she’s not strong enough to have that conversation with him now.
And, @whitewateratty……..I give up talking w/ dad. He has a decade+ long history of sitting down and talking and then doing whatever he wants anyways. In fact, a few months ago a similar but smaller issue came up and I said “Hey, our daughter might be feeling like she’s not getting enough time, maybe you could make a little extra one on one time?”……said it as nicely as possible……..what did he do? He went to our daughter the next day and confronted her and said “So your mom says that you don’t think I spend enough time with you, IS THAT TRUE??”
And of course she backed down and didn’t say anything.
I’m always open to talking to him but it’s one of those things……..he’d getting older, he’s married, he’s doing his thing…….he is what he is. I spent years banging my head up against that wall, thinking we were making headway, thinking we were doing good at the co parenting thing…..only to have him back stab me and ignore me or do the exact opposite of what I asked.
I was all set to say something like “WHAT??? How is this a question?” In my book, family is family and you don’t have the option of opting out.
But then I read some of the comments you made and it made more sense. My dad is a decent and generous human being, but he sounds a lot like your kid’s dad when he talks about personal issues. My dad just can’t put himself in another person’s place, especially if it’s a 12 year old girl. And that confrontation of her when you spoke to him about spending time with your daughter- it’s insane why anyone would hear that and handle it like she stole some gum from the 7/11.
I still think it’s not up to her if she goes to the dad’s house. Since his marriage, it’s bound to be a time of upheaval. It’s not going to feel comfortable all of the time. The gift you can give her here isn’t to make it comfortable necessarily, but to help her navigate these changes and see them as a part of life. She might not be able to speak up for herself here and now, but that’s a really important life skill. It’s just unfortunate she’s having to learn this at 12 from someone who should be teaching her that’s a good thing, not making his house a negative place where it isn’t safe to speak up for yourself.
Here is my take on what is happening, correct me if I am wrong. The issue is NOT computer time, tv time, or snacks. The issue is NOT the daughters ability or desire to follow mom’s or dad’s rules. The issue that a non-parent (step mom) “forcing” her rules on your daughter. You had “mom’s rules” and “dad’s rules”, now you have “mom’s rules” and “step-mom’s rules” (or “step-mom and dad’s rules”). There was a change of rules and your daughter did not get a voice in the process. Now she is exercising her voice. I think it is fair to let your daughter’s voice be a part of the conversation.
Just because Dad chose a new set of house rules doesn’t mean the choice should automatically be made for your daughter. Its a big change, and he needs to take her into consideration.
It was also mentioned that dad’s new wife and kids were the daughters “other family”. This “other family” was imposed upon your daughter, and she probably does not think of them as family. Emotionally they are not her family and you can’t force that upon her.
Explain to her why you think it is important and the value in creating those relationships. Also, understand that it is not your job to make your daughter spend time with her dad. You don’t have the responsibility of being the person who makes that happen. Her dad needs to be just as involved, if not more involved, in making sure he spends time with his daughter. HE needs to be the one to bend over backwards to facilitate HIS relationship with HIS daughter.
It seems that the tween is becoming of age where she expresses more emotions which is normal. However, she is still a child. There are a lot of matters of the heart that will not be understood until she is more mature to understand. The lack of media use is for a good reason(more intimate) time with family and not being interupted with on occational -neg- outside sources that can disrupt home life. I have seen that before in many cases works. Maybe it should be taken more seriously by mom as well(be more understanding)-sometimes because it is not our home does not mean it is not a good environment. (can mom feel a little jealous that she is not remarried?) Some do deep down but reality is tween is too… jealus that she is not the center of attention and not getting that from dad and most wish parents where still togther. Family counseling is recommended so everyone can get on the same page about tween. Mom should sit her down with dad as well and have a talk about her desires for “parenting”, also all three parents hash it out on coping with tween, but tween still needs to understand that she has three parents now and be more open to the new ideas because it can lead to fun for her.Change is always good. Overall, it shouldn’t be over looked because it can lead to other emotional “lashing out” behavior… I was that tween once however, i am build differently etc….
Twitter @ http://cmshortsweet.wordpress.com/
I think a child’s feelings should be heard and taken into consideration no matter the age. But I don’t think she should be opting out of visitation necessarily. Some time without gadgets certainly isn’t going to kill the kid. House rules are bound to be different.
I’ve struggled with the same question, “how much control do I give to the kids?”
My fourteen year old went through some time where she didn’t want to go to her father’s apartment. She was dealing with her emotions around our separation, she felt like my ex didn’t really pay attention to her when she was there, she enjoyed spending time at my place with just her and I (without the 11 yr old brother and 5 yr old sister), but at the end of the day I think a good portion of it is that she wanted to have a say. She wanted to know that her feelings matter.
My ex and I talked about it a lot. He was insulted and worried that she didn’t want to spend time there. I worried about them both but made it his responsibility to reach out to our daughter. We tossed around ideas on ways he could spend time with her. We muddled through. We found compromise that gave her some control but not all of it. These days she goes over there after school on his days off and stays until after dinner, she doesn’t spend the night (luckily we live close to each other). Sometimes she decides she wants to come home and be alone or with me…I’ve only pulled rank once and insisted she go when she didn’t want to (Thanksgiving).
Giving a child their way isn’t always whats best for them.
I think Lance gets what’s going on.
The unfortunate thing is that the stepmom is in the process of setting up her new household, and what she mostly wants, I’d guess, is for your daughter to just go with the program and not f things up. You already know your ex is lacking as a dad and that you can’t expect miracles there. You can reach out to the stepmom, but I wouldn’t expect anything great there either.
So here’s what I would do: If your daughter doesn’t have a therapist, find her one. This does three things.
First, it helps her.
Second, it provides an authoritative voice in her interest that’s not yours.
And third, it provides a form of documentation. Someone else, someone neutral and authoritative, will be monitoring how your daughter’s doing month to month.
If it turns out that things continue badly, you’ve got someone in your corner who’ll advocate for your daughter — in front of a judge, if necessary. The therapist can also invite the dad and stepmom in to talk, and that’ll give your concerns considerably more authority than if you’re presenting them on your own.
It’s true that this new family was forced on your daughter, and while I hear many, many men and their wives say (sometimes with some irritation) that the kids will “just have to adjust”, what they’re really saying is, “Hey kid, I finally got something good going here, don’t screw it up for me.” Is it selfish? Yeah, I sure think so, which is why no romance takes precedent over my kid in this house till she’s grown. Sometimes a kid adjusts well and easily, and sometimes not.
So — try the counselor, see if things settle down. That’s the best outcome. If they don’t settle down, you have an ally and documentation in your corner when you go looking for a change. In the meantime, the stepmom has a material interest in making sure that your daughter does find a home in her house. If things go badly and you press successfully for a schedule change, she could see child support leaving her household and heading for yours for several years. So work with that.