Should this single mom file for child support?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
Our conversations about child support - or lack of it – get some of us really riled up. Skyrocketing costs and a shaky job market make it tough to provide just the necessities – we get it. So, when a fellow single mom blogger – who prefers to remain anonymous – contacted us recently with a child support question, we shook our heads. We’re not sure what’s the best choice for the mom – so, we’re turning to YOU for advice. Here’s the story:
“I broke up with my kids’ father two years ago. We were engaged – not married,” she confided. “I left everything we had behind – from the town house to the bed sheets. It was a nasty break-up.”
Fortunately, this former couple have moved past their painful break-up. Right now, her ex and his girlfriend live in an upscale apartment – and she house shares with her parents. Her ex likes the finer things in life – and works hard to acquire such things. This mom does not share these values – in fact, she doesn’t even like shopping. This radically different life perspective is one of the reasons for their break-up. Her ex provides financially for the kids – over and above – when they’re with him. Dad is an avid shopper – and buys most of the kids’ clothes. Dad and his girlfriend also take the kids on many pricey outings. In fact, they took them to Disney Land – twice – last year. This mom still considers her ex a “best friend” – and is grateful he provides for the kids without court ordered child support.
Lately, this mom is reconsidering her decision not to file for child support. Her posse insists that she should file. They point out the disparities in their respective living situations – and income. Her friends also point out that this “fun dad” – right now – picks and chooses what he’ll do for the kids – leaving Mom to pick up the expenses Dad chooses not to cover. Until recently, Mom felt her ex satisfied his parental obligations. And never thought a court order for child support was necessary. But she hears what her friends are saying – and wonders if she’s being short-sighted by not getting their respective financial obligations legally spelled out.
Frankly, we’ve got no advice for this mom.
So, we’re asking YOU to help this mom decide what action – or not – is best:
Should this single mom leave well enough alone?
After all, it’s working out – so far, so why rock the boat?
Or should she listen to her posse? Is a court order for child support absolutely necessary?
After all, what if his circumstances – or inclinations – change?
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Twitter @ jeciwall
Expensive clothes, shoes, and outings don’t feed or shelter a child on an everyday basis. Talk to the ex, he may be open to your opinion on this subject in regards to cutting back on the extravagant things and helping with the everyday expenses that you are burdened with. If he’s not willing to work it out between the two of you (that means you make an agreement in writing of how much per month) then go ahead and file. There’s nothing he can do, as your children have the right to be taken care of financially by both parents. Good luck.
I think file without delay. One, if someday down the line you decide to file, the judge ma look suspiciously on the time you took to start the process. The judge may not believe you now need money. Two, if his income changes, he will still be required to pay the set amount, so he can’t “cry poor”. Three, girlfriends have a way of becoming wives, and she may very well demand that the dad stop paying for things so that “their family” has money. Four, should a catastrophe occur, this mom might need all the secure income she can get. Five, I’m guessing she is entitled to a lot more money than can buy clothes and toys. And she can use it to get her own home, save for the future, and fund college accounts. Six, this dad could disapear, become a jerk, stop paying, etc etc etc. A court order is the ONLY way this mom will be able to count on payments. Seven, If this dad pays child support, he may cut back on all the extravagant fun stuff. This will help the mom’s relationship with the kids, as they may resent her for being “less fun” than the dad. This money is for the CHILDREN. If he gets angry about the courts being involved, then maybe he doesn’t care about his kids as much as he acts.
I think it is in the children’s best interest to have his financial support on paper. As in he can’t -on a whim – change the fact that he takes care of them at his house. Even if it’s just that he’ll keep doing what he’s doing, having it on paper and official is a safety net in case things go wrong in the future.
but personally I would ask him to reduce the extravagant spending when they’re with him and take care of their more basic needs all the time. Which is what child support is all about…
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
can’t you just bring it up with him? if he’s your bff, it shouldn’t be that difficult. who pays for a dentist, ortho, health insurance, tutoring? maybe look into what the guidelines in your state say, based on income and percentage of time w/ each parent, and then share that with him. i think most men who have the ability, AND a relationship with their child, take it as a matter of pride to provide for their children. he might not balk at sending $2-$3k a month.
I would tread carefully when listening to the advice of well meaning friends. I think this mom needs to take a step back and ask herself why she is truly considering the need for child support now. If she has a good relationship with her children’s father, I think she should rely on that to figure out what comes next. Once you bring the courts into your life, you can never un-ring that bell.
I think she needs to consider this: Is she seeking a change out of need, concern for her children’s welfare or if it is jealousy that he is percieved as the ‘fun’ parent (fed by friends comments). If she is struggling with covering the expenses for her children and feels they are inequitable, then perhaps the solution is to sit down and itemize out the costs it takes to raise the kids – from food, shelter, health care, clothing, child care, etc. What are those real costs and what can she reasonably afford to do and then have the conversation with him.
There is a conflicting message in the post that she feels he’s her best friend and until recently felt her ex was meeting his parental obligations — What changed? What happened to make her reconsider this? If it is her friends comments then I would really caution her to take a long pause and a deep breath. Friends are great and friends love you and often have your best interest at heart. However, friends are also very biased and do not live your life and/or situation and only have your perspective on the relationship with the ex from which to form their opinions. I don’t think they should be the influence that makes you change something that by all appearances seems to be working.
If you take your friends out of the equation, do you still have concerns about child support? If so, then take some time to figure out why and have a conversation with your ex about how the two of you figure out the best way to ensure your children’s long term security. If you do that and can’t come to a resolution that you are both comfortable with, find a mediator to assist. The courts should only become involved if you have no alternatives and a resolution can’t be met.
I too was engaged to my son’s father, but we split up before his birth. We have an amicable relationship and signed a support agreement when he was a newborn. It is just a notarized contract between us for him to pay support (close to what we calculated using the state support guidelines). It is not filed with the court, but can be used for breach of contract in the future. I can still file with the courts if there are any problems, but as long as we can make it work less formally, we are both happy.
I 100% agree with VA Mom. It sounds almost like you may be doing this just because your friends think you should. Granted, they are only looking out for you, but like VA Mom said, once you bring the courts into this, things may never ever be the same.
I am also struggling with this decision right now. My ex gets very angry whenever the topic comes up, no matter how casually or how nice I try to go about it, he just remembers how ugly his parents divorce was and thinks we will end up being the same way. I try to excplain to him I’m not trying to “take all his money,” I’m just trying to support our son.
I think the best advice is to sit down and figure out all the expenses (medical insurance, food, clothes, gas etc) and figure out how much you are each paying. Maybe if you don’t agree on what he is spending his money on, you can sit down and talk to him and get him to re-direct his generosity towards more bills. Also, if you feel nervous about the fact that he may one day “change his mind” and just runaway with his girlfriend, then sit down and explain that to him. Those fears are valid and it does happen. Maybe then he will be more open to signing some sort of contract or agreement to keep you both safe. It seems like you guys have a good relationship, but just make sure to tread these waters very, very carefully.
Twitter @ IveLanded
I’m sorry, but I VEHEMENTLY disagree with the advice to “work it out between yourselves” or “leave well enough alone”. That is dangerous thinking.
I think collectively as single parents we need to get over the idea that “court” equals “bad/mean/contentious”. Getting stuff on paper benefits everyone and protects everyone ESPECIALLY your child. We have this cultural notion that tells us (ESPECIALLY us women) that “if you sue you’re just being mean!”
NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!
Let go of the idea that court = mean and think about what it really is…a tool to ease or eliminate fighting and tension. Yes it can be sticky and uncomfortable at first. But in the end this is protection for your child.
ABSOLUTELY file. It doesn’t have to be contentious. In fact, if you are getting along really well sometimes that is the BEST time to do it, because you can draft an agreement you both feel is fair and simply have it signed into an order.
The bottom line in all of this is that you cannot predict or control the future. Maybe everything will be roses and rainbows between you guys for the rest of your co-parenting time, maybe not. YOU DON’T KNOW. You don’t know what will happen with jobs, living situations, future partners, other future kids….or a million other “what ifs”.
Betting that everything will be “just like it is right now” for the next decade is not sensible.
If it were me, and if you have a good relationship, I would sit down with him and say “Hey look, I think it would be better for our kid if we just got some some down on paper and official. Can we work on some agreements?” and go from there.
But don’t leave yourself and your kid to fly in the breeze without a safety net. That is decidedly unwise.
Get started NOW with a formal court ordered agreement.
Twitter @ IveLanded
p.s.
I was adamantly against getting a court order with my daughters dad. I felt like he was attacking me personally and being a jerk. I wanted to just “work it out between us”.
Over a decade later and I am grateful everyday for our custody and child support agreements. Even though I didn’t initially want them, these papers have made my life (and I’m sure my ex’s) SO MUCH EASIER, they have eliminated SO MANY arguments, and have made it possible for us to have the nice working relationship we have today. Not to mention my daughter has NOT ONCE been left unprotected or cared for, largely due to the fact that she has the protection of the court orders.
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
In an ideal world (i.e., Disney World), we can all hold hands and presume that nothing bad will ever happen… However, we (unfortunately) live in the real world. Parental obligations are serious, and as many people on this site will attest to, sometimes people who you truly believe are “truly honest,” your “best friend,” and/or the “love of your life” quickly (sometimes overnight) become your litigation adversary.
Regardless of the advice of friends or the relationship with her co-parent, at the least, I would advise Non-Disney Mom to do one of two things:
(1) Sign an Agreement. Learn about the legal child support guidelines in her state (preferably with the advice of an attorney), and with that information, come to a Child Support and Custody Agreement with Disney Dad. Such an Agreement WOULD BE enforceable in any Court and would solidify Disney Dad’s rightful and proper child support obligations (whether he continues to be a “best friend” or not). This method is beneficial it attempts to maintain as close a “best friend” relationship as possible. While this method would not result in immediate penalties/sanctions from the Court if he violates the Agreement, it does protect Non-Disney Mom from lack of payment and can be used in Court to enforce his obligations 100%.
(2) File for a Child Support Order from the Court. This solution would obviously solidify Disney Dad’s rightful and proper child support, and could (if the judge is inclined to do so) allow for immediate penalties/sanctions upon violation of the Order. However, whether a justified or unjustified relation (as described by @IveLanded), this method may upset/turn-off/anger Disney Dad. Thus, if you do so, I would highly recommend speaking to him first, and letting him know that you’ve been advised by lawyers to make such a filing and that you’re only doing this as a precautionary measure.
While it seams like Disney Dad may be very helpful right know, he may tomorrow decide to stop doing anything… and having one of these two documents will protect you from any such action. As I like to say: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Twitter @ singleguywkids
First time commenting from my phone so forgive any mistakes.
Maybe the best course of action is to prepare for a child support order as a plan B. Its never too late to get one.
As plan A maybe you should have a conversation with your ex and explain what it is you really need to help with the everyday expenses. If you feel he is unresponsive then go to plan B.
Twitter @ officediva1
I believe in having PAPERS, period!!!
Twitter @ Avril_Robinson
It’s definately a personal choice issue, her decision is a personal one that I find to be peaceful in its nature as the father obviously appreciates the fact and respects her for this and it sounds like the relationship between the mother and her ex is functioning positively to some extent. The down side is that the father has more money for ‘recreation’ and the mother struggles to pay for necessities, this is where it gets hard, I kindly pointed out to my ex just before christmas, that you know its not really right that you spend lots of money on entertainment when you aren’t contributing for basics like food for your son, this doesn’t really change anything but makes me feel better that I have got it off my chest and reminded him of his responsibilities. I am a single mum with 1 son and I work full time, I have a house and a mortgage. When I first broke up with my sons dad he would give me a little money each week, for the first couple of years I was OK with that and he was very happy, it suited him well as if he worked overtime or earnt more he didn’t have to pay me any extra, but then I noticed after a while that he enjoyed a lot better lifestyle than I seemed to have as a full time carer and I felt it would be fairer to me and my son if i charged the child support and also it made me less indebted to him as I didn’t have to go to him cap in hand for the weekly payment or tiptoe around him to make sure he would keep paying me.
Hope this helps
He hasn’t paid for 3 years and owes me $10K in unpaid child support, i try not to get angry about this as i can’t change it
Twitter @ chopperpapa
I wish I’d gotten this one sooner, when it was fresh, business travel, you know.
I was with you until it got to the point of “her friends” started chiming in on how they think he is a “fun dad” (I have a theory on that) “leaving the mom to suffer for the rest”, and what exactly would that rest be?
Here’s my immediate advice to this mom, she needs to stop listening to her friends and they needs to keep their noses out of what doesn’t belong. Up until they got involved this mom was happy and apparently felt that he more than satisfied his obligation without a formal child support agreement. So who has the problem here, mom or the friends?
Not to mention there are a few problems that HER FRIENDS haven’t considered.
1. she can clearly go the legal route and if he is smart he will likely show proof of all that he’s done for the kids up to that point, including all the fun stuff.
2. Are they sure that the girlfriend isn’t contributing to the children as well, she could be a multi millionaire and this mom couldn’t get one red cent extra.
3. and this is the most important. She could go legal and this could completely backfire on her. In her pursuit to do what HER FRIENDS suggest. She could go to court (by the way are they going to pay her legal bills for this??? I didn’t think so) get an agreement and it could actually be worse financially than it is right now. Don’t believe that could happen, ask my ex wife, plus she has to pay the legal bills.
And this doesn’t even touch on the relationship shrapnel she’ll suffer after the dad has to deal with this after this mom admitted he living up to his responsibilities — all because THE FRIENDS thought she could do better.
Lastly they mentioned lifestyle differences…for clarification in most states that is what alimony is for and they weren’t married. Chew on that.
Listen, if she is happy the way things are going and it has been like this for two years then taking him to court is going to be a huge gamble. Unless she has some verifiable intel such as income AND she has the cheddar to pay the legal bills she might want to stay right where she is.
Twitter @ singleguywkids
You know… ChopperPapa said it best!
Sometimes the courts can make it worse. And then there are the legal expenses, which I doubt the friends want to chip in for.
Twitter @ NatalieEngland
This subject is a little too close to home. My child support is based on my ex making part-time pay at K-Mart and me working as a summer school teacher at 29 dollars an hour. Right now he’s full-time National Guard and I’m a substitute teacher making $14 an hour and $0/hour when there is a holiday or during the summer or when I’m just not needed.
I want to go back to court to get a fair share. I don’t go because I don’t want to rock the boat. Right now he’s not coming around for his supervised visits. He’s not a good dad. I’m afraid if I take him to court for fair pay that he’ll want to try and fight for more time.
But, I would get the court order if I was the inquiring single mom. It takes two to bring a child into this world. One parent shouldn’t be stuck with all of the financial responsibility.
Twitter @ IveLanded
In RE: to ChopperPoppas comment…….
She’s gambling right now that everything will STAY nice. And on that gamble she’s got no protection when something comes up and things AREN’T nice.
And it’s entirely possible this mom is being “nice” and just not “rocking the boat” and as MANY of us have been MANY times being a “nice girl” and “not rocking the boat” usually ends up with us mamas getting the short end of the stick.
No one parent should have such an upper hand when co-parenting. That’s not a healthy situation to be in.
Twitter @ chopperpapa
IveLanded — “No one parent should have such an upper hand when co-parenting. That’s not a healthy situation to be in.’ — And what exactly is the upper hand in this situation? An arrangement that seems to be working for everyone? She’s happy, the kids are happy, and mom and dad are getting along? Hmmmm..
You also seem to be under the mistaken notion that a legal agreement will suddenly force him to pay…go ask all of the deadbeat dads walking the streets right now with court enforced child support agreements to pay and who aren’t , better yet, go ask the moms are aren’t getting the child support that ‘holy grail’ legal agreement was supposed to enforce and see what they would rather have, a willing dad who wants to participate or a piece of paper signed by a judge?
It this dad decides to stop contributing no amount of paperwork is going to change his mind, sure he can face jail time, garnishments, etc. But those threats aren’t working sufficiently enough today are they? At this point he’s WILLINGLY doing it – and it seems doing a better job than dads who are court ordered.
Twitter @ IveLanded
CP- The upper hand is money. It’s a sad comment on our culture, but in the world that we live in, a significant disparity in income equals power.
So, basically you are advocating for the notion that if she wants the safety of a court order then he is within his rights to throw a tantrum like every other jerky dude and not play nice and take is toys and go home? Because men are incapable of behaving rationally in this situation and as women we need to cater to that?
Sure, there are plenty of deadbeat dads out there, but honestly every single mom I know stuckin a situation where she’s not getting what is court ordered to her is in that position because she………wait for it…………DIDN’T WANT TO ROCK THE BOAT. I have so many friends who are waiting on heaps of back support but they “dont want to make him mad” so they don’t report his employer to the DA. Or they don’t even report that he’s in arrears. Or they don’t want to fight so they tell him “ok fine, you can not pay now”. Every woman *I* know who’s having a problem with that is in that situation because she is too scared to or refuses to do what she needs to do to enforce her order.
Because we keep telling women “If you rock the boat, there is something wrong with you!”
A huge part of the reason the current system is flawed right now is the original point I made in my original reply:
Parents need to let go of the idea that court has to equal a battle.
Court can be two people getting along just fine going in and saying “things are going great, lets put this down on paper to help ensure it stays great”
Another huge factor is the idea that if WOMEN want to go to court, they are being crazy, vindictive, b*tches.
Culturally we have to stop the double standard we have in family court situations when we talk to women. Men go to court and they are “just taking care of their kids” but women go to court and they are being “mean” and “vindictive”? No.
The bottom line for all of us that I think we could all agree on…having legal back up makes sense. For everyone.
We cannot predict how things will go, but having a small safety net is always a good idea.
I’m sure most of us with agreements in place don’t regret it. But I know a dozen friends just in real life who “didn’t rock the boat” and now they are kicking themselves because they gambled everything would be ok….and it went bad. And they have no safety net.
Getting it on paper is never a bad idea. If your ex partner wants to throw a tempter tantrum about it, that’s their issue and not something anyone should cater to. Unless there is some completely bizarre extenuating circumstance, advocating for NO court order just isn’t smart.
I agree with Chopper Papa’s perspective on this. And I am a single mom who did go the court route in my divorce/custody battle.
If this mom feels everything is going well, then why in the world go to court? Just because in the future things may not be going well? We don’t know what the future holds. If things got bad in the future, she could go to court then. But only if she has tried everything possible to work things out with the ex before-hand.
If right now she really takes a look at things and realizes that she needs more cash for the daycare costs, food, etc., for her children, then she should simply talk to her ex. You should never, ever go to court without first trying to work things out with your ex first. She should let him know that she’s struggling and would like to get his financial support for XYZ, do a child support calculator online, and try to work things out with him. Maybe they could even work out an agreement themselves and sign it, as proof of what was agreed to if issues arose in the future. If she just takes him to court and hits him with a court date without trying to talk to him first, that will just permanently damage her co-parenting relationship with her ex and make it so they will never be able to work things out without the courts in the future. This will make life on her much harder for years and years to come. And the strain on the relationship will hurt the children as well. It’s also just not right to hurt another person in this way, unless you have first tried to work things out with them.
I had to go the court route with my ex with our divorce/custody agreement, as he was an abusive adulterer who never would’ve agreed to things any other way. It was expensive and extremely stressful and I was still not entirely happy with the outcome. Even the judge said to us at one point “Try to work this out through mediation, as the best decisions do not come through the courts.” Court is the last resort after all other measures have been taken. It also made our relationship even worse and made it even more difficult to co-parent. I wouldn’t recommend this route to anyone, unless it’s a more extreme circumstance with no other options as I felt mine was.
But again, if this mom is happy with the situation, why even consider a change at all? And why in the world through the court system? Again, it’s always best to work things out with the ex first.
At the end of the day you should do what you feel is best for your children, yes you will have your friends in your ear pressuring you to put their father on C.S. you have to realize that they are not you, because you are seperated and he has a girlfriend it seems to me that you’re friends are mad for you that he moved on and to seek revenge is to put him on it. As you said the father spend time with his kids,takes them out on outings and provides them with the things they need. If you feel as though he is not doing his part as a father then I highly suggest you file for child support, but if he shows that he cares and tries to be there for his children finacially and emotionally then don’t do it.
I would first try a financial agreement. be sure to get it notarized basically explaining what financial needs need to be met medical dental. just getting a good number. set up a payment plan on when and how much to be paid either weekly or monthly. if he cant agree to these terms then that’s when you going to him on state papers of child support.
Chopper Papa is right. As a single mom not receiving child support and has never in my life been one to back away from an argument I know we simply make choices with the best information we have in front of us at the time. When I had my daughter – every single person in my life told me to go after child support. Problem being, when I discovered I was pregnant, my child’s father was very clear – he wanted me to abort the child. I chose to have her in spite of that knowledge and chose to not hold him financially responsible for a child he did not want. Those were my decisions for a host of reasons that are very personal to me.
All that to say, we do not live in a black and white world. We all have different experiences and different desires to come out of raising our children – both in co-parenting and child support. The courts should not be perceived as a mediator, because they are not. They are a last resort. You can formalize an agreement without ever setting foot in a courtroom and if you can, you, your children and everyone involved will likely be the better for it. I have watched countless friends be traumatized (both men and women) over custody battles that have involved the courts.
The fact is if we look at the original post there is a clear indication that OUTSIDE influences are making this mother question her judgement. The post clearly states that one of the reasons for their break up is because he cared about money and she didn’t. As such, the issue should get taken back to the best interests of their children. PERIOD.
If she and her ex have a relationship and coparenting relationship that works then she should work within that relationship to ensure her children are well taken care of — by BOTH OF THEM. If she is struggling to cover medical, child care, etc. then that is worth a discussion with their father to determine how they best cover those expenses TOGETHER.
Like it or not the mere idea of family court and custody agreements makes everyone’s hair stand up on their necks. We all have our preconcieved notions biases and experiences.
If this mom is struggling to support her children financially, Chopper Papa makes a valid point that a court order does guarantee her children will receive what they need as has been stated above. None of us have crystal balls into what the future holds. The best we can do is make informed decisions with the information we have directly in front of us at the time we need to make the decision. For some parents, the courts is their best option -for the litany of reasons stated above. However there is nothing in what we have been told to indicate this leap should be taken. Especially if as it is alluded to that this is rooted in the proding of friends who think she should get more.
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
I AGREE with @ChopperPapa that going to Court should *not* be the first choice. But I also DISAGREE that the only alternative is to sit back and just live without any written document/parameters.
As @ChopperPapa stated, whether justified or unjustified (as argued by @IveLanded), people perceive Court as “Battle.” Thus, ideally, the Non-Disney Mom here would want to try to avoid a battle.
However, I see *nothing* aggressive or wrong with asking for a written Settlement/Support Agreement. Such agreements as just as enforceable as a Court Order (and sometimes MORE SO — some Court orders cannot be enforced civilly). And frankly, if Disney Dad here balks at a written agreement, perhaps he isn’t the “saint” that he is being painted as here.
Sitting back and not having anything in writing will make any inevitable Court Battle THAT much more difficult. Further, if circumstances change and less money comes through, since there’s no basis/base-line, Non-Disney Mom here has no ground to argue: “I need more support.” Right now she’s totally at the whim of Disney Dad — who for all we (or she) knows is really providing her with only half of the support that she should be getting.
I agree that Court should not be the first choice, but doing nothing shouldn’t be either.
I just want to chime in real quick because on multiple responses I read that this mother should write or formalize an Agreement outside of Court and she will be OK with that and this information is misleading. I want to clarify that the parents can enter into an Agreement BUT Agreements relative to Child Support ARE NOT ENFORCEABLE! I think this is something that needs to be clarified because this mother needs to bear in mind that if she wants to put things on paper without Court intervention is ok, but she must know that if in the future the father stops providing financial help for the kids she cannot do anything about it and she can’t enforce. Child support can’t be contracted because Courts have established that it is the children’s right, it is not a parental right and you can’t contract over someone else’s right. Personally, I think she needs to gather information, sit down and talk with the father, go through the pros and cons and make an informed decision, but make sure that her decision is made on correct facts not on assumptions.
As I said earlier (based on my attorney’s advice), a violation of our agreement is a breach of contract between parties. It can also be used if I decided to pursue a court order to protect both of us-to show a history of child support. It is not a court order and not enforceable as such, but I haven’t given up the right to pursue a court order later if conditions change. Currently it works for my situation without straining the amicable relationship between us.
It is a breach of contract between both of you, but it is not enforceable which means that if the breach occurs you can’t force him to comply with the agreement or ask for any damages, and if you want to take him to Court for breach of Contract the Court is not going to enforce it, most likely they will disregard the agreement. And of course you can use to prove that you have been receive it but that doesn’t mean that the Court is going to award you child support or they are going to make him pay, that is up to the Court and the agreement for them has the same value as a bunch of receipts offered to prove payments. This is exactly what I mean in the importance of knowing the right facts, and knowing exactly what it means. If you want to have an agreement as record of payment, to prove your intention, etc. it is great but don’t do it with the mentality that if he doesn’t pay you can take him to Court and the Court will make him pay because it might not happen.
Also just wanted to add, you can’t “file the agreement with the Court” you would need to start a paternity suit and then the Court will issue a support order based on their guidelines not on the agreement and the support would be from the day of filing forward, you would not get any money owed before the day you went to the Court, and you would have no way of making him pay that money.
Well Mae, as I never said I would use my agreement in court for non-payment, I think you should be sure you don’t make assumptions. Especially as they are incorrect.
I only hoped to provide this mother looking for assistance with another option to her status quo or the courts. As others have stated, an agreement is just that, an agreement for both parties to do what they write in the contract. A breach of contract a matter decided by the courts, though not the same court as child support payments. As other posters have mentioned, with so many people neglecting to pay up to their court orders, I don’t see a huge difference, as the result of breach of contract is often a monetary settlement. I did use two attorneys in determining what was enforceable or not and what my remedies are for each option. I never said it was a court order or enforceable like a court order. Actually, given my situation, I can have his employer take his agreed portion through his pay based on our agreement-government employee and all, a court order is not required but his financial support to his child is, simply as a condition of his employment.
He hasn’t been late or missed a payment since the day we signed, and if he does, I still have the option to go through the courts. He is better protected by having the agreement and proof of payments (back-support would be less likely if I filed with the courts) to show that he hasn’t been a deadbeat.
However, as long as we can get along and do what is right by our son, we see no need to involve the court system. My son is provided for (not just luxuries provided in his father’s home), and best of all, his parents get along. I understand this isn’t the case with everyone, but it seems to be fairly similar to the OP and her situation and offers her an alternative between what she has now and sifting through a court process that can be tedious (particularly if she’s not receiving state assistance). Of course, many of these matters depend on her state and an attorney is the best resource to learn her legal options.
In some states, a paternity agreement can be filed with the court. The court then reviews the document, and if they agree to the arranged terms, make it a court order.
You are correct, he wouldn’t be forced to pay child support under a court agreement that didn’t exist, but he might be subject to a monetary settlement for breach of contract. And a court order isn’t a guarantee of payment either.
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Just to be clear, every state has different laws regarding child support, court ordered child support, and agreements related to child support. Obviously, no post here should be relied upon for legal advice.
Some states allow child support to be contracted between parents and enforceable in a civil context without prior court approval.
Some states allow child support to be contracted between parents and enforceable after a judge reviews the agreement and confirms that it comports to state guidelines (sometimes integrating the agreement into an Order).
In my opinion, either of these options would be better than (1) doing nothing in the above situation or (2) beginning child support litigation.
personally, i think she should speak with him before-hand and let him know her intent, but she should seek a court-ordered agreement, regarding custody & visitation, as well as child support. i know alot of people don’t want to go to court, some people feel threatened by it, but if you really think about it, it protects everyone involved. mom & dad know who will have the kids and when, they will know who is responsible for making medical decisions if need be, they will know who is responsible for paying for healthcare and/ or daycare. and as great as it is that dad takes the kids on expensive outings and to disneyland, is mom living with her parents because instead of paying child support, he’s showing the kids & his new girlfriend a good time? she should be able to be independant if possible, if she wants it. its great that he buys almost all their clothes, but what about paying for the food they eat when they’re not with him? heating the house they sleep in when they’re not sleeping at his house? how often are they actually with him? i feel its best to get everything agreed upon and signed by a judge so that if they ever stop being besties, neither can hold anything over the other’s head.
in rhode island, before you go in front of the judge, you meet with a mediator, who tries to help you come to an agreement amicably. if they are so close, this shouldn’t be an issue, & there shouldn’t be any need for anyone to have to pay for an attorney. there is a filing fee, but if she is low income, she may be able to get it waived, if she is not considered low income, its just a one- time fee & usually not too much.
There’s no need to bring the courts into it unless things really aren’t working out its sickening that if a dad in a family loses his job the family works together to make things work and possibly get support from the state. but if a single dad loses his job and gets behind on support he can go to jail. There are true deadbeats out there but too often good people get screwed over and its not right. if your’re adult enough to have a kid and be a parent you should be able to work things out without court.