When your ex’s family stalks you via social media
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
Here’s what this single mom – she’s been through SO much – told us:
“My ex and I were together for just under three years. His family always included me, but I never felt comfortable or welcome,” she began. “Just before he and I moved into a studio apartment together, I overheard his parents tell him that they wanted better for him – and strongly urged him to break up with me.”
Shortly thereafter, this couple did break-up. One night – we definitely relate – they had sex. Despite being on the pill, she got pregnant – and knew immediately it was a girl. When she told her ex, he said the decision about about the pregnancy was up to her. When she told him, she intended to keep the baby, he responded, “you’ve ruined my life – and I’ll never forgive you”.
Unfortunately, her pregnancy was high risk. Procedure followed procedure and she was hospitalized twice. Finally, she delivered prematurely via c-section. The baby girl remained in NICU for five weeks. During the pregnancy, she heard nothing from her ex. His mother, however, did stay in touch and regularly interfered in this new mom’s life. She never – not once – mentioned her son’s name. While the baby was hospitalized, her ex visited regularly – always accompanied by his parents.
After the baby came home, this mom moved in with her parents. Her ex did visit – occasionally overnight – sleeping in a separate room. His mom stopped contact with her granddaughter. It was apparent that she had kept contact just so her son could step back into his child’s life when he felt like it. During one of these visits he mentioned that he was seeing someone – seriously – and he wanted her to meet his daughter. The baby was eight weeks old.
Right now, this sweet baby girl is two years old. She’s had a few complications due to her premature birth. Despite all the scary tests – with all the worrisome follow-up – her father has never asked a single question about his daughter’s medical history. He does make regular child support payments. Occasionally, his parents visit with their granddaughter around birthdays and holidays. Dad and his parents never see this little girl alone – Mom is always present. She just doesn’t trust him (or his parents) – and they don’t object. So, these arrangements work for this mom – in fact, she’s grateful her ex doesn’t insist on more parenting time.
Here’s the real problem. Just recently she discovered that her ex’s mom has been checking out her out via Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. Like many of us, this mom uses these accounts to stay in touch with friends – and professionally for networking. Of course, she realizes that everything placed online is available. It’s just her ex’s parents have shown no interest in her daughter. This latest drama is simply the last straw. If they’d – honestly – like to know something about her daughter, she’d willingly share.
This mom wonders how other single parents handle social media with their ex’s extended family.
Would you advise that she simply ignore her ex’s mom’s intrusions?
Or should she take more radical steps to maintain some semblance of online privacy?
If so, what steps should this mom take?
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Photo via Flickr: Alessio Gigli
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Twitter @ jeciwall
They are your social media accounts and you need to safeguard your privacy. I have all of mine on lock down, due to court battles and such.
All of my exes family members tried to friend me on Facebook and I refused the invitations. They have close to zero contact with my child so I don’t see the need or have the desire for them to know what’s going on in our lives.
I am a naturally private person to begin with, I don’t post my every move on social media sites. It’s just easier on me to not have anything floating out there in cyber space that could potentially bite me in the butt.
People are curios by nature and tend to intrude on other people’s lives. So I take my mamma’s advice….If you don’t want anyone to know, don’t write it down for everyone to see.
Twitter @ http://semanticallydriven.com
The only way you can prevent them stalking you is unfriending any of them on Facebook and locking it down. Same with Twitter – that can be made private too, even if it’s just for a while so the ex’s mum backs off and forgets to check. If you can’t lock it down for professional reasons, then just be mindful of what you write on there for now.
Twitter @ singleguywkids
This very reason is why I was hesitant to start writing again. I wanted to share what I was writing and knew that if I did, it could eventually be tracked, printed and possibly used against me somewhere somehow.
For over a year, I locked everything down, blocked undesirable eyes from my facebook and so on. However, I decided I would no longer live in a box. Why should I? But I had to accept that what I was putting out there would be for public consumption.
You have to decide whether or not you truly care if your ex’s mother is watching or not. You also need to ask yourself if you are willing to allow other people to “box” you in.
Once you figure that out, I feel you will have your answer.
As mentioned I lived in a a cyber space “box”, afraid that everything was being watched. (A man with his kids lives under a big microscope.) However, I decided that writing was my therapy and it was time to break open that box.
I am still cautious with what I write whether it’s a new post, facebook comment, tweet or even a private email. I just don’t worry about blocking everyone and locking myself down anymore.
Just remember that once you put something “out there” it stays out there.
Twitter @ Avril_Robinson
When you are a single parent it is very stressful; you have the worries of your financial situation, social acceptance, juggling all the day to day work and decisions involved in bringing up a child, loneliness & isolation etc. The last thing you need is anybody in any of your environments making you feel uncomfortable or upset. You don’t have to share anything you feel is private and personal, this is one of the rather large downfalls of the social media sites – they are very public (I personally avoid facebook preferring twitter.) If you need to gain more control over your personal life to make you feel comfortable by all means do it, one of my mentors said to think of these types of boundries as applying my ‘Guardian Cow’ to situations to protect myself and my son. My latest catch phrase I have been adhering to in the last couple of years is ‘People only know what you tell them’ if you need to keep quiet to safeguard your privacy and your peace of mind by all means do it, it’s your personal freedom of choice x If your ex in laws would like to know how you and your daughter are doing they can always pick up the phone and say Hi! x
Twitter @ sarahewalkom
Thanks everyone for the advice. I do have high security setting on all my public accounts – i am glad that everyone feels this is the right way to potentially protect myself and my daughter. @ singleguywkids you express my sentiments about writing perfectly. My writing is my outlet. My vent. My therapy. I am now in a wonderful loving relationship with a man who adores both me and my daughter. I don’t want my ex’s family ‘stalking’ me and finding out information, that they don’t have the guts to ask about. I really appreciate everyones responses.
Twitter @ IveLanded
I could have written this entry myself, almost word for word.
I think that the reality of the current world we live in is such that this online “stalking” is normal. And I hesitate to call it stalking…….as much as we want to think we put things on lock down, the internet is still pretty public and permanent. I know a LOT of friends who’ve had their info or photos on their PRIVATE Facebook page taken and shown to ex’s or enemies. To steal a quote from that Facebook movie….”the internet is written in ink, not pencil”.
And, I think we all do it, if we want to admit it or not. We’ve all peeked at an ex or old friend or recent enemy somewhere. It happens.
Here’s the thing for me:
I’m not doing anything I feel the need to hide. My blog and twitter are public because like you I desire the outlet, and I’m not putting anything out there that is a secret or that I’m embarrassed about. And I’ve been through court a time or two…….as much as my exs might take issue with some of the ways things are done in my house, it’s simply parenting differences….there isn’t anything that I’m doing in my home that I’ve put online that is a LEGITIMATE reason for me to be worried my exs will “use it against me”. (But I will add, I have relatively calm relationships with my exs and I don’t think any of us are eager to run to court anytime soon anyways…)
As for being annoyed that other people are snooping instead of talking to you directly……I COMPLETELY FEEL YOU ON THAT ONE!!!!! But…..that’s just one of those things I had to let go. I can’t control other people. If they lack the integrity or courage to talk to me in person…if they are so insecure or intimidated by me…….I can’t control that. There’s no point in being annoyed or frustrated by it, because that just ruins my day. I decided a long time ago to do my best to just ignore that there are people who I don’t like reading my online stuff. It happens. It’s no skin off my back. If I get upset about it, all it does it ruin my day. If I let it go, then life is good. Either way, nothing changes with THEIR behavior, it’s just how I chose to handle it.
My advice is forget about them. They are going to do what they are going to do. Don’t invite more drama into your life than you need. And don’t dwell on the actions of others and allow that to impact your life.
Twitter @ tsquest
I adore my ex’s family. But when his sister began to ask about my current boyfriend and then asked if her brother and I were divorced, I realized that his family doesn’t communicate at all! (We’d been divorced for 2 years at that point.)
This situation is completely different. It sounds like his family isn’t honest or communicative and is even downright sneaky! All that you can do is continue to honor yourself and be authentic. If stuff gets back to them, be proud of who you are. Lock down as much as you can but otherwise, know that you have the best intentions for your daughter. There’s no shame in that… no matter who’s reading about your life.
My situation- my ex is in prison for a crime against our daughter. He confessed & finally pleaded guilty after taking us through the courts for over a year. During that time he lied to his family & friends telling them I was making this up because I wanted full custody. Very sad, but because of the drama & hate against me I had to put tight security controls on facebook & twitter. Only friends & family who I carefully selected could be friends or follow & could see what I wrote. There’s been a lot of forgiveness & even though I currently have a relationship with his mother I still keep my security controls tight & I haven’t invited her to be my friend on facebook because this is my life. If she wants to be a part of her grandchildren’s life she contacts me personally. You have to have boundaries when it comes to your children & you can’t always play nice. On twitter i’m careful about what I tweet because my twitter account is no longer totally secured. That is my social media situation & how I dealt with the other side. Good luck!
Twitter @ lionsdentintin
For me, I don’t mind if my ex’s family or even my ex see my facebook. I don’t really care if they are stalking me and my child. It is upto them if they get jealous on how happy my child is being with me without them. =)
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
funny this should come up. awhile ago i got a message on the facebook account i had under my married name from a former nanny. i check that account a few times a year. i sent her a message saying i had a different account now, because i was divorced, and gave her the link. this week she finally sent me a message. so, i looked at her page to catch up. she got married, has 2 kids, living in hawaii, and is in close contact w/ my ex husbands former secretary. the secretary submitted things in support of my ex during the custody evaluation. i didn’t even know these 2 knew each other, and i was going to add her to my facebook friends, where i pretty much just laid things out. i immediately changed things from “just friends” to “just me” and i think i’m going to delete the account. social media is for fun. its not fun to me to have to worry about things like this. i hate secret-spy crap. be honest and own what you are doing.
Twitter @ singlemombooks
I have a saying, “Never put anything online, in social media, or even in writing, that you wouldn’t want to see printed on the cover of the New York Times.” I completely relate to her and think she should ignore her ex’s mother, she (they?) clearly has nothing better to do with her time. At the same time, be mindful that what she puts online is available to anyone and if she wants to only share with friends and family, she could create a private (members only) blog or website, or just share pictures and updates via mail or good old-fashioned snail mail. On the flip side, she has a right to live her life as she pleases and no-one has the right to say differently. Focus on your sweet baby, nothing else truly matters.
Twitter @ OverWondeful
I’m in the middle of a separation with divorce looming. In efforts to start over from here as a single mom turning 30 the best way I can, I’ve since started a blog as a sort of launch pad for a new business venture. If I liked social media and the related before, I’m a total junkie now … anyway, since I’ve blocked my STBX and his family from my personal Facebook account they’ve since found other ways to be nosy as to what I’m up to by stalking me on twitter and on my blog. I really don’t care if they do or if they don’t read my stuff. It says more about them that they have nothing better to do, I guess.