Singlemommyhood.com

When the bio-dad is your lover – and you’re married

Dr. Leah — Tue, 15 May 2012 17:38:47 +0000

Just in case you’re new here: our Singlemommyhood community embraces everyone – married, single, or anything in between. We share what’s really going on in our lives. We count on one another to listen – and unselfishly share heart felt advice. So, when a married mom contacted us with a terrible dilemma, we took a deep breath – and rushed to share her situation with you.

Here’s what this married mom told us:

“I’ve searched for a safe and supportive forum to discuss my very personal dilemma,” she began. “I’ve been married for twenty years. My son is twelve years-old – and my husband is not his biological father.”

This mom has been involved with a family friend – on and off – for many years. This lover is her son’s bio-dad. He knows this truth – and both of them have agreed to keep the truth secret. Of course, this secret grows more burdensome every day. As her son matures, he more closely resembles his bio-dad in appearance and mannerisms. It’s possible that her son may figure out the truth. Her husband – she doesn’t want a divorce – also can’t fail to notice the physical resemblance.

Ideally, she’d like to make the choice that would hurt her son, husband, and lover the least. She concedes that her lover has the least to lose. After all, he already knows that he’s the bio-dad. He does stand to lose her – if she decides their relationship must end.

So, it’s time for this mom to make life changing decisions. And she needs your “tough love” advice:

Do you believe her son has the right to know his biological father’s true identity?

If so, how does this mom start to reveal this stunning truth?

Is there any way for this mom to lessen the inevitable emotional devastation her son and husband will suffer?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Angie017

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You’re a GREAT mom. Tell us why.

Dr. Leah — Fri, 11 May 2012 20:58:28 +0000

Our Singlemommyhood community was created to provide parents – no matter how their families originated – the 24/7 comfort and support we all deserve. We honor every mother in our community. We get it – you’re juggling demanding careers, returning to school, inflexible budgets, inconsistent childcare, complicated dating situations, challenging family relationships, inadequate child support, difficult exes, erratic parenting time schedules, and so much more.

We’re in awe of everything you accomplish – and very proud of YOU.

We’ve come to know some of you very well — through your generous comments, Tweets, and emails. That said, there’s so much more that we wish we knew about you.

We’re eager to hear more about who you are.

So, please take a break ... tell us why you are a GREAT Mom.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Carla W.

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3 tips to help the kids through your break-up

Dr. Leah — Sat, 05 May 2012 12:31:28 +0000

Our Singlemommyhood Community is deeply committed to responsible parenting. When our adult relationships end, however, pain and confusion challenge even the most dedicated parent. If you’ve been married – or in long-term relationship – there’s no avoiding the impact this break-up will have on your kids. How you begin this difficult break-up conversation with your kids – and what you say – can ease their inevitable emotional turmoil.

Here are our best tips and advice when it’s time to have this tough conversation with your kids.

Tip #1 – Make a plan together. If your soon-to-be ex is your kids’ other parent, it’s best to decide together what you’re going to tell the kids, when this is going to take place, and who’s going to do it. Careless, hasty words or words spoken in anger will only make a bad situation worse. It’s not necessary for both parents to talk to the kids together. Sometimes this is just too much for one parent to handle. And other parents just can’t handle this kid conversation with the other parent present.

Tip #2 – Use Common Sense. Don’t deliver this news fifteen minutes before the school bus arrives or the Saturday morning before your son is scheduled to leave for his class trip. A phrase like “your father and I just can’t love and support each other the way a husband and wife should” is certainly better than “living with your father has been hell on earth for me”. Remember that your kids also have a relationship with the other parent – or your long-term relationship – and that unique relationship deserves respect.

Tip #3 – Keep your kids’ emotional needs the priority. News of this impending break-up will not be easy to deliver. Your kids will feel upset, confused, angry, and frightened. Older kids may have picked up signals that their parent’s relationship is in trouble – and big life changes are brewing. Your kids will need extra TLC. Try to maintain kid routines and schedules, if at all possible. Love for your kids will sustain you. But, your kids can’t bear – or even share – your adult disappointment and anger. Seek the support you need – if things get to be more than you handle.

We’ve just opened the conversation about how to help your kids handle the big changes break-ups always bring.

So, we’d love to hear your thoughts:

What’s the most important to keep in mind when your kids are caught up in the emotional turmoil of your break-up?

Do you have regrets about the impact of your break-up on your kids?

If so, please share.

We’re always here to listen.

~~~

Photo via Flickr: epan.nz

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When grandparent behavior upsets a single mom

Dr. Leah — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 17:00:05 +0000

When the Singlemommyhood community shares personal truth about how our parents are involved – or not – in our daily lives, our challenges are obviously quite different. Some of us get lots of help from our parents. Other parents withhold help because they don’t agree with our choices and demand we confront a relationship partner we’d rather forget. Frankly, we know there are many troubling issues related to your own parents – and in-laws – that we’ve not discussed. So, when this single mom contacted us with a troubling parent issue, we rushed to share her thorny dilemma with you.

Here’s what this single mom shared with us:

“I’m a twenty-seven year-old never-been-married mother of a four year-old daughter. The bio-dad is not – never has been – involved,” she volunteered. “My parents have been quite generous. My mother lived with us when my maternity leave ended so that my daughter didn’t need day care immediately. Financially, they’ve helped with expenses. And I’m grateful.”

This mom values extended family relationships – especially since this little girl’s father is absent from her life. Unfortunately, her parents view this mom and her daughter as their children – not a separate family. Practically speaking, this means that her mom and dad behave towards their daughter – and granddaughter – just as they did when this mom was growing up.

This mom’s parents do and say things that threaten to destroy trust. Specifically, these grandparents routinely yell, guilt trip, and name call. Her dad has called her “slut” and “brain damaged” in front of her daughter. Eventually, he apologizes. Such words – as we all know - are emotionally damaging. Dad has never spoken to his granddaughter in this way, but overhearing such words is simply not healthy.

This single mom now faces a terrible dilemma. Her parents are her closest and most dependable supporters. And her daughter has forged strong bonds with her grandparents. But, her parents create – at a minimum – an atmosphere of negative self-worth. This is not how this mom wants to raise her daughter. She well understands the emotional damage her parents’ behavior inflicts.

So, this conflicted single mom needs YOUR advice:

Can you relate to the issues she faces with her parents?

Is it possible to keep her parents an integral part of her daughter’s life despite their questionable behavior?

If so, what steps can this mom take to protect her daughter from the emotional damage her parents inflict?

~~~~

Photo via Flickr: Lotus Carroll

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Whose last name do your kids have?

Dr. Leah — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 11:33:28 +0000

Our Singlemommyhood community offers everyone an opportunity to discuss – with no judgment – emotionally charged issues that really matter. You’ve weighed in on unwanted co-parenting and facing the future when your baby’s father is absent. These conversations highlight how much YOU value making decisions that feel “right” for your family. A conversation about deciding your kids’ last names is a long overdue.

Here’s why: making a decision about your kids’ last names is a big issue for many of you. After all, a last name is more than just a legacy – it carries much weight when it comes to relationships and family. Post-divorce name changes are common, but so emotionally charged. In some families, kids may have different last names because they have different dads.

Everyone takes a different path to settle on the “right” last name choice. I kept my married name even after my kids’ father left us for good. I wanted to change my own name back to my birth name. But, after much thought, I decided against it. My work references were in my married name – and I was afraid to risk any confusion when prospective employers called my references.

Sharing the same last name as my kids also meant much less explaining – especially when filling out those pesky school forms. Frankly, I thought – fleetingly - about changing my kids’ names to my birth name. However, my son – Andrew – had already mastered spelling and printing “Klungness” – no small feat in kindergarten. So, changing his last name would have been confusing and upsetting to him. That truth clinched the last name decision for me.

We’d love to hear about your kids’ last name(s):

Whose last name(s) do your kids’ have?

Do they carry your birth name? Your ex’s name? Or did you hyphenate?

How did you decide what last name was “right” for your kids?

~~~~

Photo via Flickr: JeriCams 94

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When a choice mom faces unwanted co-parenting

Dr. Leah — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 17:27:53 +0000

We’ve opened several frank conversations about answering your kids’ questions about an absent parent. It’s such a comfort to hear advice from single moms – and dads - who understand exactly what you’re facing. Choice moms also chimed in detailing how they answer their kids’ inevitable “daddy” questions. So, when this mom contacted us about a wrenching parenting challenge she never anticipated, we simply shook our heads.

Here’s the situation:

“I’m a choice mom of a wonderful five year-old boy,” she began. “He was conceived via an anonymous sperm donor – he’s never had any kind of father figure in his life.”

This mom recently gave birth to a little girl conceived after a brief unremarkable encounter. Her son is quite attached to his seven month-old sister. He also takes great comfort that he and his little sister share a unique sibling bond - no “daddy” in their lives. Like many unplanned pregnancies, this mom’s reaction quickly shifted from shock to joy. From this new perspective, she felt pride in the family she created – and relished her solo mom life. She never anticipated co-parenting or child custody issues.

With no warning – everything changed. Her daughter’s bio-dad abruptly demanded shared child custody and extensive visitation rights. State child custody laws are such that he will eventually get – litigation has just begun - co-parenting status.

“I feel overwhelmed and infuriated,” she told us emphatically. “My daughter’s dad is a virtual stranger – really nothing more than a sperm donor gone wrong – and now he wants to break up my happy little family.”

This mom knows that she must start preparing her son – very soon – for this total shift in lifestyle and family status. She’s trying to frame this change in the most positive way, but – honestly – she has zero interest in co-parenting.

So, she’s reaching out for YOUR help …

What tips can you share as this choice mom negotiates the child custody arrangements and visitation schedule?

How does this choice mom explain to her five year-old that he doesn’t have a daddy, but his baby sister does?

What advice can you offer this choice mom as she copes with the new experience of co-parenting?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: TheMystic

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Are teens losing their social skills? We’re worried

Dr. Leah — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 08:02:02 +0000

Maybe you have a teenager (or more than one?) Maybe you work with teens, or you’ve got teenagers in your extended family. If you have a teen in your life, we’d love to know if you worry about this, too.

We’ve chatted about all kinds of kids and technology dilemmas here — including the pros and cons of blogging about your kids.

Many kids consume media as a full-time job (with overtime) according to the Kaiser Family Foundation. Frankly, we do worry about these online activities long term. We wonder about the possible implications of texting, instant messaging, and Facebook on kids’ social skills. Before electronic media, kids often had a “best friend” in whom to confide. Long conversations took place on the telephone.

Psychologists and other experts worry that our connected kids miss out on experiences that help them develop social skills, such as empathy and understanding. These experts also insist that when kids become teenagers, they are clueless about how to interpret body language and other social cues.

Other experts, however, believe that social networking are helping kids develop stronger friendships. They cite the 24/7 availability as a way kid friendships are strengthened. The benefits of social media for shy or withdrawn kids are touted. These experts see Facebook, for example, as a tool to help such kids develop critical social skills.

So, the experts are sharply divided. We believe the REAL experts are YOU. Especially since your kids are “digital natives” meaning they have grown up using computers.

So, we’re wondering …

Do the teens you know ever talk on the phone anymore? Or, is it all about texting?

Do you worry about the impact social networking might have on your kids’ social skills?

If so, what measures do you take (or hope to take) to help your kids develop friendships IRL?

Or, is our concern really a “non-issue” which does NOT worry you as a parent?

[We do recommend checking out sites like kajeet.com - financed by Rick Bolander - for additional helpful information.]

~~~~

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Should this single mom give up on love?

Dr. Leah — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 13:18:39 +0000

We’ve opened many conversations about combining responsible parenting with getting a life. And you’ve let us know – loud and clear – these efforts are far from easy. Whether your kids clash with your boyfriend or you’re grappling with a controlling ex, the road to real love is often a steep climb. So, when this single mom – unlucky in love – contacted our Singlemommyhood community for advice and encouragement, we knew she’d come to the right place.

Here’s what this mom shared with us:

“I’m a twenty-nine year old single mom with two kids,” she began. “My first baby was conceived when I was a teenager. Believe me, I grew up fast.”

Like so many of us, this young single mom returned to school. And worked full-time. The bio-dad was distant and uninvolved. Child support was sporadic – at best. She wore herself out – fruitlessly – trying to get this man to take some interest in his daughter.

As her daughter celebrated her fourth birthday, this mom’s life changed. She met a man who promised her a forever future. After several years of living together, they faced an unplanned pregnancy. They welcomed their son – and their future seemed bright. Unfortunately, “happily ever after” was not in the cards.

“Now I’m a single mom with a ten year-old daughter and a three year-old son with different fathers,” she continued. “Neither of these men have meaningful relationships with their kids. And my daughter has lost two father figures. Her own father is in the wind. And her brother’s dad sees his son only – and never includes her.”

This mom feels despondent. Although she longs to find love, she’s terrified of getting hurt – again. And she wants to protect her kids from further emotional pain – and possible abandonment.

Here’s what she’d like to know from YOU:

Is having two kids with different dads a deal-breaker on the dating scene?

Should this mom give up on love – for now – until her kids are older?

If not, how can this mom protect her kids emotionally - if she decides to get back out there?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: WingTing

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When a single mom faces an unplanned pregnancy

Dr. Leah — Sun, 08 Apr 2012 12:13:39 +0000

When we opened the conversation about breaking up when you’re pregnant, we wept as you shared your stories with us. Frankly, we hadn’t realized how often serious relationship drama erupts when an unplanned pregnancy is revealed. So, when this single mom contacted us as she faced a very serious crossroad in her life, we anxiously rushed to share her situation with you.

In case you’re new to our Singlemommyhood community: we do NOT judge here.

Here’s the situation:

“I’m a twenty-one year old single mom of a two year old son,” she began. “A week or so ago I found out that I was pregnant. The father of this baby is a married man I barely know. Last night, however, I found out that I’m the third woman he’s gotten pregnant. But, he convinced the other two woman to terminate their pregnancies. I understand now – he’ll never leave his wife.”

This single mom wants – right now – to keep the baby. But, the bio-dad is trying his best to convince her to have an abortion. He paints a bleak picture of the child’s scarred future – and the struggles and sacrifices this solo mom will face raising a second child. She feels massive guilt over the affair and this unplanned pregnancy. And she’s worried – justifiably – that she can’t practically manage the demands of two young kids.

So, this single mom can’t imagine having an abortion, but she fears she’s in denial about the pregnancy – and the physical, emotional, and financial strain of raising two kids. She’s researched her options hoping to make an informed decision.

Despite these efforts, this mom is conflicted about what’s the right decision. So, she’s reaching out to YOU for advice:

Can you relate to the life changing decision this mom now faces?

What factors should she weigh most heavily as she agonizes over making the right decision?

~~~

Photo via Flickr: Daniel Hurst Photography

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5 essential steps to successful co-parenting

Dr. Leah — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 20:47:08 +0000

Successful co-parenting happens when you both realize that your divorce – or break-up – may have ended your relationship, but not your responsibilities as parents. Sadly, the majority of couples who separate don’t realize they can raise their kids together successfully – even though they no longer live together.

At first, it may seem that co-parenting is simply impossible. Keep in mind, however, that you are not jointly parenting. Co-parenting means doing your best to cooperate with each other to ensure the most consistent and least disruptive path for your kids.

So, if you’re considering co-parenting – or attempting it right now, these steps and advice will help guide you:

Step #1 – Keep your feelings about each other out of your kids’ hearts + heads. No matter how angry, betrayed, or bitter you may still feel, if you can’t put a lid on it in front of the kids – failure as co-parents is inevitable. Co-parenting requires maturity, grace, and stamina. Find an appropriate outlet for your unresolved feelings. Talking to your ex about the kids simply cannot become your time to vent.

Step #2 – Carrots work better than sticks. Maintain respect for your ex – this person is your kids’ other parent. Even if the other co-parent’s involvement is minimal, your kids benefit from this contact. Praise for the other parent’s efforts is a strong predictor of co-parenting success.

Step #3 – Keep the lines of communication open. Communication lies at the heart of any relationship. If your marriage or relationship suffered from a lack of communication, resolve – for the kids’ sake – to find a way to communicate. Technology is a handy solution – if you prefer not to meet in person or chat on the cell. Find the tools – and the commitment – by which respectful communication takes place.

Step #4 – Allow for change + scary feelings. Your agreement to co-parent represents yet another change – on top of the huge change everyone experienced when you divorced or separated. It’s okay to feel scared because it signals that you recognize your kids’ futures are at stake. Co-parenting is a formidable challenge – and – realistically – why would you not feel just a bit scared?

Step #5 – Talk + listen to your kids. Your kids will want to know the nuts + bolts of the new parenting arrangement. Little kids, for example, will want to know where Santa Claus will visit. Or how the Tooth Fairy will find them. Older kids will want to know if friends can visit at both homes – and if they’ll need to change schools. Don’t expect every last detail to get ironed out immediately. Encourage your kids to share their concerns and questions with both of you. Family meetings are ideal – if you can swing it – so everyone gets the opportunity to be heard.

~~~~~

This post authored by Dr. Leah originally appeared in Two Happy Homes.

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