When a woman commented this week at Rachel’s blog Single Mom Seeking — about her post ”Is your ex getting remarried?” — this single mom’s answer floored us.

First of all, the timing of her comment was uncanny, because (drum roll…) it is tax time.

If you haven’t send in your taxes yet, no doubt you’re scrambling around getting the paperwork together.  So, thanks to this single mom for letting us share her story.

Before you assume that this is going to be a dry post about taxes, it’s not: here’s what this woman found out when her husband filed this year:

She and her husband divorced in 2008 and he promptly moved in with his new girlfriend (with whom he’d being having an affair near the end of their marriage).

Last year,  when their papers were filed,  she asked  “for one kid as a exemption on the taxes since everything is 50/50 now so that should be, too.”

And here’s the kicker:

“I got his declaration yesterday 3/5/10 and one little line hit me like a brick to the face: “I already filed my 2009 taxes Married Filing Single with ____ (the “other” woman’s name)”

“I had no clue he married her last year — and my kids obviously don’t know either.”

And here’s what she’s struggling with:

She believes her kids have a right to know that their father got remarried… don’t they? Her two kids are six and nine years old.

Here are the challenges she’s dealing with:

Should she be honest with her kids and tell them the truth? She feel like she owes it to them.

Or, should she just remain silent? After all, it’s HIS life and it’s not her responsibility tell his truth.

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When we recently read this very popular post at Frisky about whether or not you’d date someone who takes antidepressants, we got curious. You’ve been very open here about everything from smoking secretly to getting a tattoo.

Some of you, no doubt, are very wary about dating someone who takes medications regularly. And some of you might take a certain medication regularly — say, antidepressants, or anti-anxiety drugs — so this question might really hit home.

The very honest writer of the Frisky post — Leonora Epstein — openly explains that:

“As someone who has been on antidepressants for more than half of my life, I’ve dealt with this confrontation on several occasions. Some of the men I’ve dated have appeared to not care, or just didn’t feel like delving into the emotional side of why (that’s fine—not like I enjoy explaining these things). Others have suddenly looked at me differently, as if the confident, charismatic woman I am didn’t come from within, but from a pill.”

As Leonora points out, there’s only so long that someone can try to hide the fact that he/she takes medications. Sooner or later, you’re going to find out, right? Yet being honest and straightforward with someone you’ve recently started to date can take can result in any number of responses:

From understanding and empathy that leads to a deep trust….To a major freak-out that creates a wall between you to.

Please know that we make no judgments here. We’d love to know how — both mothers and fathers — you feel.

If you’d recently started to date someone, and he/she opened up and told you about taking medications, how would you respond?

Maybe you’ve already faced this dilemma already. What did you say or do?

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We’re big Facebook fans.

When this single mom contacted us about her dilemma, we knew we had to ask YOU for your advice.

Frankly, it never occurred to us that  a relatively harmless bit of  “Facebook investigation” could lead to such drama. Here’s what happened:

This single mom of a sweet nine-month-old boy is raising her son solo. His father has never seen him. And his family also wants nothing to do with this little guy and his mom. When she started dating this “bio dad,” he’d told her he had a son. But, she never met his son. He’d made himself sound like an awesome dad, but, obviously, this is not the case.

*Curiosity* led this single mom to find her baby’s 15 year-old-half brother and his mother on Facebook.

Suddenly, she felt *responsible* to both her own child and this young man.

Seeing this young man’s picture (and noticing a clear resemblance to her own baby) made him “real” — rather than just another character in the drama with her absent ex.

To the best of her knowledge, the mother of her son’s half-brother mom does not know that her son has a sibling out there.

“I just feel like this kind of information can’t stay under wraps forever,” she wrote to us. “And wouldn’t it be better to tell this other child’s mother in a friendly email instead of her learning by accident?”

Things are a bit more complicated: “It’s scary because I don’t know how much contact she has with my son’s father or his family.  She’s Facebook friends with his sisters because they went to high school together.”

Understandably, this single mom is worried: “This is another thing that could totally blow up in my face.”

She wants to know: “And, what on earth would I say?”

We’re fairly confident that this single mom should contact this mom to give her a heads up.

Do you agree?

(Maybe you think she should MYOB. At least until her baby is older.)

If  this single mom does decide to contact this young man’s mom, what on earth SHOULD she say?

~~~~

(Photo courtesy of Kellycrul via Flickr)

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When we read this recent, emotional post by Los Angeles Single Mama –“What A Boy Wants, What A Boy Needs…” — we just knew that we HAD to share it with you. This thoughtful single mom — like many of you — is raising her son alone, without the involvement of this father.

(Count Dr. Leah among that “club,” too! And she promises to comment later about her own experiences raising a “father-less” son.)

So, we’d love to know if you relate:

When her son was just three years old, LA Single Mom taught him how to play baseball. “By four,” she writes, “he was so obsessed with baseball we played at least one game every day — just the two of us.”

Her son was so good at throwing and catching that “People would stop us in the park to ask his age and comment on his athletic prowess.”

So, she went on to teach him the rules of baseball, football, and basketball. But as he got older, playing sports with her son got more challenging.

For one thing, at age seven, he’s now so strong! “While I was pitching to him, he hit me so hard with a semi-soft baseball that my side was bruised for a week!”

And he’s only getting better! Most recently, as she and her son watched another dad and his son play basketball, he told her that he wished he could play with that boy’s dad on the court.

Not only did this make LA Single Mama teary-eyed, it made her realize that she’s got do DO more, such as:

*Sign him up for more organized sports.

*Plan more play dates.

*Find another single mom who has an athletically inclined boy so they can play together.

We agree that these are all great ideas…for ALL kids.

So, we’re wondering:

What do single moms raising “father-less” sons need to add to their parenting “to do” list that’s different from other moms?

Maybe nothing …?

We’re anxious to hear YOUR thoughts!

~~~~

(Photo courtesy of Shutter Daddy via Flickr)

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We certainly heard from you loud and clear when we posted a question from a single mom whose kid-less boyfriend showed little warmth toward her little girl — even after almost two years together.

So, this single guy (no kids) has been exclusively dating a single mom with a 16-month-old daughter. This mom had been engaged to the baby’s father, but they broke up a year ago during her pregnancy. He knows that this was a horrendous emotional roller coaster for her. So, he’s tried to be understanding and patient.

Like most relationships, the beginning was awesome. And this single guy fell hard for her.

Here’s what happened next:

Sometime around the winter holidays, this single guy sensed a change in their relationship. She seemed to shut down a little emotionally, as if she wanted to protect herself. She’s an independent woman — a quality he appreciates — so he has tried to understand her need for space. In a hope to crack that shell a bit, however, he has reassured his girlfriend that he is there for her. — and for her daughter.

He loves kids. And definitely sees becoming *Dad* to her daughter as a welcome possibility. Still, something has been “off.”

“I’m giving her space,” he wrote, “which means that we see each other about once a week for a few hours. I’ve also been giving her time — a couple of days, usually — between phone calls and texts.”

But very recently, this single guy decided it was time to have a *conversation.* He wanted to know how she was feeling.

“She told me that right now she doesn’t feel like she can give me what I am looking for,” he said. “She said she’d understand if I wanted to see other people. But in the same breath said that she is afraid to lose me because she realizes that I treat her so well.  And she’s confident that she can give a lot to this relationship.”

Help! He’s still trying to give her space. Yet his friends think he’s being foolish. They’re urging him to move on.

This single guy’s dilemma is obvious — so here’s what he would love to know from you.

Why is this single mom pushing him away and at the same time trying to pull him close?

What advice can you offer this single guy who’s clearly smitten?

(Photo courtesy of Aleksey Fursov via Flickr)

~~~~

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Wow, we’ve had a string of emails this week from new readers

Here’s what’s going on:

She and her co-worker have been dating for the past year and they’ve kept their romance hush-hush  in the office. In fact,  she has NOT said a word to anyone about their love life. And he hasn’t either.

Office romance isn’t as taboo as it used to be, as long as the relationship doesn’t interfere with the company bottom line, right?  They both excel at their jobs and save their intimate get-togethers for after-hours. So, what’s the dilemma?

Well, this woman found out eight weeks ago that she’s pregnant. She’s thrilled. “But when I told him that I was pregnant, he wasn’t exactly happy. He says that he’s not ready for a child, it’s not the right time, yada yada. He also mentioned not wanting to ruin a possible promotion at work.”

“I don’t know what to do,” she says. “I am in my late 30s and I’m so ready to be a mom. I’m doing well financially and can support myself and my child. At the same time, I want this baby to have a mother and a father.”

Then, there’s the issue of her co-workers: she’s going to be showing fairly soon. “When everyone sees that I’m pregnant,” she says, “they’ll want to know who the father is. I don’t know if I can tell the truth–”

“Part of me thinks, ‘Who cares what they think?’  But I don’t want to lose my job, either — or jeopardize his.”

This mom-to-be would love to hear your thoughts on this:

When she starts showing — and her co-workers want to know everything — should she just say keep the details to herself, and say: “I’m a single mom by choice!”

Or, should she tell the truth and “out” him? Which might mean risking a break-up during her pregnancy?

~~~~

(Photo courtesy of James Tworow via Flickr)

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When we researched a bit further, however,  (bear with us here, beyond the hype) we realized that this story raises some important questions.

You see, 27-year-old Angie Jackson is the single mom of a special needs four-year-old son. She lives in Florida with her boyfriend — and she says that after a difficult and life-threatening first pregnancy her doctors advised her to not get pregnant again.

That’s why Jackson was using an IUD to prevent pregnancy — but it failed. She discovered that she was pregnant when she was three weeks along — which meant it was early enough to choose RU-486, commonly known as the abortion pill. That’s when went on to Tweet about her experience, because she explains, it was her “attempt to demystify abortion for other women.”

What people chose to reveal (or not) is strictly a personal choice. – no judgments @Singlemommyhood.

We do applaud this single mom for talking openly about birth control.

And if you’re a single parent who’s sexually active, you’ve definitely got a birth control plan, right?

On that note, IUDs seem to be a theme lately among women bloggers we follow. Angie Jackson isn’t the only woman blogger talking about birth control out there. Rebecca Woolf from Girls Gone Child posted a series at Babble.com recently about her IUD — and why she hated it.

Then, there’s Martini Mom, the engaged single mom who let her IUD lapse…. and now she’s blogging about expecting a baby with her new partner.

Frankly, we *know* far more about condoms, the Pill, diaphragms … So, we’re honestly more than a little curious.

Have you ever used an IUD? Are you using one now?

Do you love it or hate it? (Or somewhere in between?)

Do you recommend this birth control method to your friends?

Of course, Dads, we’d love to hear your thoughts on this one, too.

~~~

(Photo courtesy of Liz Henry via Flickr)

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So far, everything sounded terrific. Right?

Here’s the unexpected complication:

This single mom — who got pregnant through donor insemination — told us that her boyfriend has no experience with children. And he has never dated anyone with children.

Occasionally,  she brings her daughter along for their weekend visits because she wants to give her mom a break. And she wants her daughter to feel included.

This single mom, however, doesn’t get a “warm fuzzy feeling” when they are all together. In fact, she gets the impression that he’s a bit annoyed.  The boyfriend does not go out of his way for her daughter. She feels that he accepts her daughter’s presence out of fairness to her mother — not because he wants to include her daughter in their relationship.

Her (mostly married) posse tells her they would feel the same about someone’s else kids, too. They’re urging her to give him time. After all, he’s not mean to her daughter, or anything remotely like that.

This single mom feels guilty for ignoring these concerns. What if he never warms up to her daughter?

Despite no marriage plans in the immediate future, she wonders if this is a situation she can afford to ignore.

Frankly, this single mom is  considering breaking up with him. After all, given the way she sees him with her daughter, she’s dubious that he would ever want children of his own. Or be a good father figure to her daughter.  Something is just *missing* with her boyfriend. And she does not want her daughter to feel slighted in any way.

So, this single mom is counting on your wisdom and experience:

Should her boyfriend show more interest and affection toward her child?

Is he possibly clueless about kids, and he just needs to be shown the way? Or he is just NOT kid friendly?

Is she living in fairytale, hoping for a man who will care for her daughter as his own?

~~~~

(Photo courtesy of Silver Puppeteer via Flickr)

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Dani Shapiro, the acclaimed author of the novel Black and White and the bestselling memoir Slow Motion, is back with Devotion: “a searching and timeless new memoir that examines the fundamental questions that wake women in the middle of the night, and grapples with the ways faith, prayer, and devotion affect everyday life.”

In her mid-forties and settled into the responsibilities and routines of adulthood, Dani Shapiro found herself with more questions than answers. Was this all life was—a hodgepodge of errands, dinner dates, e-mails, meetings, to-do lists? What did it all mean?

Time magazine reviewer Mary Pols – whose incredible memoir details her own journey into single motherhood — says:

“Shapiro uses the word neurotic to describe herself–a relief, because it saves me from pointing the finger. She is the nervous type, and her journey evolves in such an indulged mind-set that those plagued by more practical matters may find Devotion silly. But her sincerity, intelligence and admission that she doesn’t actually read all the yoga books she buys are endearing; her need for answers touching.”

One of our favorite lines takes place during an AA meeting, as Dani listens to other members share their stories and realizes: “The human heart was elastic. It could withstand untold grief and still keep beating.”

To enter to win — we’re giving away two copies — all you need to do is tell us about the moment you knew (or not) that your own heart was elastic.

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He has since remarried and now their daughter is almost two. This mother has tried to communicate with her ex, but it’s his new wife who has curtly emailed back. Clearly, this dad plans to stay out of the picture.

This solo mom worries: “What will I say when my daughter asks about her daddy?”

How about when other children ask your child, “Do you have a Daddy?”

We understand. These “daddy questions” are among the most perplexing faced by solo moms. (Of course, we also understand that many loving dads face the same difficult questions about an absent mom. )

Very few children question their family structure before the age of three. But in preschool, children start to notice that other families might be different from their own,  This is when kids often start to ask question about “Daddy.”

Also, both of us also remember other children coming over for play dates and curiously asking our children, “Where’s your Daddy?”

Just like all other tough questions, the “daddy questions” will pop up when you least expect it. So, it pays to get prepared:

If you shy away from answering “daddy questions” — or your children simply sense that this is a forbidden topic — they will often make up their own story.

We’ve overheard a child anxiously tell his preschool friends that his dad is fighting a war near where Santa Claus lives. And we know a little girl who fibbed to her classmates that her dad died from the “heartbreak of psoriasis” … obviously, melding an emotion expressed by her mom with an insipid television commercial (so sad!) When there’s an information void, children will fill it with bits of fantasy and overheard snatches of information.

If you’re also a solo parent, do you wonder what you’ll say when your child asks this question?

Or, maybe you’ve already been faced with this question?

What advice can you offer this solo mom whose child is still a bit young to ask about Daddy?

Should she wait for her child to open up this conversation? Or should this solo mom start this conversation now?

If so, what’s the best way to start?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of Nascity via Flickr)

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