Heather Walter — pictured here with her adorable three year-old daughter –contacted us via Facebook with a heart tugging kid question. The root of her challenge stems from her

We’re really hoping you can help. Here’s the situation:

So, Heather and her ex find co-parenting especially difficult.  And their little girl is having the expected preschooler difficulties transitioning between households. Angry text messages (never helpful) have flown back and forth.  They’ve lately discovered that blaming each for their child’s tantrums and distress just doesn’t solve the problem.

Not surprisingly, their little girl persistently has been asking a logical question: “Why can’t Mommy and Daddy live in the same house?”

“I’ve racked my brain for a gentle answer to her question,” says Heather. “I want to be sensitive to her emotional needs, and to her developmental levels.”

“So far, all I’ve come up with is ‘Mommy and Daddy love you, but they don’t love each other,’ ” Heather adds.

Yet, Heather feels this is a pretty harsh way of explaining the situation to daughter. She sometimes wants to say more… but should she? And what more can she add?

So, we’re asking for YOUR advice.

What’s the best way to explain to a very young child why Mom and Dad do not live together?

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If your kids have started school already, you’re likely breathing a sigh of relief.  If not, you’re probably still scrambling to get everything on the dreaded and budget busting ”supply list.”

Lots of us already have kids in school so the school routine is familiar.  For other parents at Singlemommyhood, however, your little one at “big kid” school might be a first for you!

We’ve chatted about whether parenting is less (or more) challenging now that our kids’ schools can reach us instantly by email or on our cell. And you’ve let us know that technology has often not eased your parenting burdens. With  all of us working harder and longer just to stay financially afloat,  those after school to bedtime hours are simply crammed.

As moms who’ve done the school routine for many years, we can attest that homework monopolizes a big chunk of those frenetic after school to bedtime hours.

Of course, homework has always been the bane of kids’ existence.  Instead of playing outside or just hanging out,  we all remember the unavoidable book report or science project just had to get done. But with standardized testing and increased demands for accountability, the nightly homework load is substantial even for younger kids.

We all strive to be responsible  parents, especially about homework.  We do detect differences, however, in how parents approach this responsibility.  Some parents talk about homework like it’s a shared family responsibility rather than the kids’ responsibility.  It’s not uncommon to hear parents say “we’ve got a big math test” or “we’ve got to study our spelling words”.  Other parents strive to make homework strictly a kid responsibility. While these parents may check assignments, they’re not overly involved.

Frankly, we’re a bit unsure which parenting strategy is more effective. And one of us is grappling with this parenting dilemma right now.

So, we’d LOVE to know how you handle homework with your kids:

Do you closely supervise your kids as they complete homework assignments?  Do you frequently email your kids’ teachers with homework questions?

Or do you believe that homework is all about kids taking  responsibility?  Do you feel that providing a quiet setting and encouraging independence are what kids really need for school success?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of ivan sciupac)

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If you’ve been visiting Singlemommyhood for any length of time, then you know that we’re NOT just about moms. We openly welcome fathers, step-fathers, grandfathers, uncles, brothers… And that’s why we’re hosting an end-of-summer “Thanks, Dad” contest.

We got the chance to chat with Tom Kiddoo — the creative guru behind these ‘Thanks, Dad‘ T-shirts — to hear about how his own father inspired him to start his business. Tom’s father owned four restaurants and taught school full-time, but, at the end of the day, he always had time for his kids.

As Tom got older, their relationship grew stronger. “My dad would drop anything just to talk on the phone, even if it was just a quick hello,” he says.

So, when Tom’s dad was diagnosed in 2007 with myelofibrosis — a rare bone marrow disorder that ultimately reduces the body’s ability to produce oxygen carrying blood cells — he was devastated. Just over six months after the diagnosis, Tom’s father passed away at age 65.

Tom — who was the 37-year-old father of three kids — tells us: “I was devastated.  After losing my Dad, I spent the next 17 days straight working 12+ hours a day to catch up at work.  On the 18th day, I quit my job.”

He couldn’t stop thinking about his father. So, after his kids went to bed every night, “I spent an hour or so in the yard ‘talking’ with my father and reminiscing.  I was able to process  a lot of the anger and regret. Soon, I found myself holding onto gratitude. I felt very thankful for who my father was to me. I began ending those nighttime reveries with ‘Thanks Dad’.”

“This is why I started selling t-shirts,” Tom explains. And his T-shirts are catching on, including Nickelodeon celebrities, such as Tom Kenney, the voice of Sponge Bob Squarepants, shown here with Tom:

Tom has offered to give away one T-shirt to a father at Singlemommyhood. Maybe you’re a father who would proudly wear it.. or, perhaps you’ll win the T-shirt for your own father/step-father/brother/uncle/someone who’s been there for you . . . . SO many possibilities!

‘Thanks Dad’ T-shirts are made solely in the USA from 100% cotton. They carry all sizes, from child to extra-large adult. They also come in six colors.

Ready to enter? Please tell us:

Who in your life deserves “Thanks, Dad”? (We’d love to hear your story.)

~~

Please visit the Thanks, Dad site here

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Frankly, this is a tough conversation for us. As solo moms, our everyday lives are filled with the emotional and financial challenges that are inevitable when one parent decides …well, NOT to be a parent. And,  just like SO many of you, we’ve fielded (not always successfully) those heart-stopping “Dad” questions.

Our sympathies are not with parents who desert their kids.

So, when we received this email from a man confronting his past mistakes and looking for guidance, we decided to put our feelings aside. This is not the first man to raise these questions with us.

Here’s what this guy told us:

“I’m ashamed to say how easily this all happened,” this 40-something guy bluntly said. “A college romance, too much partying, and unprotected sex. When she told me she was pregnant,  all I could think about was how my life was ruined.”

When she refused to have an abortion — and left school to return home to await the birth of the baby — this guy took the opportunity to put as much distance between himself and the responsibilities of parenthood as possible.  Simply changing residence to another state made child support enforcement back them nearly impossible. And, of course, her parents despised him. They urged their daughter to forget him and concentrate on making a life for herself and her baby girl.

So, Mom did just that. She finished college and started up the ranks as an accountant. She also got married. She and her husband had a son together, and her husband adopted her daughter when she was three years old. 

Over the years, this bio-Dad got curious. He went online to search for his daughter, and based on some cyber stalking, he is convinced that his daughter — who’s now in college — has NOT been told that the only father she has ever known is actually her adoptive father.

Although this man has forged his own life path — which includes a wife and several children — would like to meet his daughter. (When he recently told his wife, she was NOT thrilled …) This man would like explain to her that he is her biological father. He feels it’s really best for his daughter for her to know the truth. He imagines a whole host of new family connections with half-siblings finding common ground — and everyone feeling liberated by having this truth out in the open.

This man has asked us for logistical guidance. He wonders: Should he talk to her mother first?  Or should he try to speak directly with his daughter?

That’s NOT what’s on our minds, however. We’re wondering about the wisdom of this “big reveal” he plans to make as her father.

So we’re asking YOU…

Is telling a young woman — whom he has never met — that he’s her biological Dad reckless and selfish?

Or, does she deserve to know the truth?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of pink_elephant)

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Zillions of us (not an official statistic) have lived with our parents (both us of … definitely!) as part of our transition to single parenthood. So, we nodded sympathetically when we received this earnest email from a mom with two toddlers (who are nine months apart):

Here’s what this young mother told us:

“I’m getting a divorce,” she says. “We married way too young.  My ex never finished high school so he just works odd jobs. My parents think I need to wake up and understand that I’ll be supporting my two kids with very little financial help from their dad. And I know they’re right.”

Of course, there’s more to this single mom’s  story.

Her parents have offered to let her and the kids live rent free while she finishes the RN program she quit when she got pregnant.  She’ll have to share her spacious childhood bedroom with her two kids.  Both her parents are retired. And they adore their grandchildren.  They both say that babysitting while she’s at school is no problem.  This single mom is also anxious to help with some of the heavy chores which are getting to a bit much for her mom.  (Her parent split the chores along traditional gender lines. Dad is still handling the yard and car maintenance just fine.)

This single mom is savvy enough to realize that there will be many compromises (mostly by her) to make this housing arrangement work. But, she’s willing to do what it takes to get her RN so she can support herself and her kids.

Based on our own experiences, her fiances, child care, and respective household responsibilities need to be crystal clear BEFORE this almost single mom pulls up to her parents’ home with the UHaul.

Do you agree? What have we left out?

This  single mom would love to know from YOU ….

How did you work out these practical details with your parents?

What can this single mom do NOW to help make this transition to house sharing with Mom and Dad go as smoothly as possible?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of cjc4454)

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We received another email this week from a distraught single father — and it has stumped us.

This 35-year-old man fell deeply in love a few years ago, but, unfortunately, the relationship was on-again-off-again. A year and a half later, they broke up for good.  She moved back east, and he remained on the west coast.

Soon, he received this text message that shocked him: I’m pregnant.

“When she was pregnant, she’d text or call me one day. But the next day, out of the blue, she’d order me to stop contacting her,” he tells us. “It was very confusing.”

He didn’t know where his daughter was going to be born, or what her name would be.  “A day after my daughter was born, I received a text message with a picture.”

Understandably, he was heartbroken: “I very much wanted to be involved in my daughter’s life.  So, I contacted an attorney.”

When their daughter was a few months old, he was granted a temporary visitation order.  He took an extended leave of absence from work and stayed with family members to be closer to his daughter.

In the meantime, his ex had met a new man, and they now live together. He says that between this new boyfriend, his ex’s mother, and her best friend, they have done everything possible to prevent him from visiting his daughter.

“I pay $1400 per month in child support, 100% percent insurance, and her mother makes $50,000 a year. It seems that if anyone would play these childish games it would be me. Yet I have tried to be the bigger person. I want to be in my daughter’s life.”

He has continued to fight for the right to spend time with his daughter. “I’ve spent more than $48,000 in attorney fees  so far.  I get the chance to see my daughter just once a month, along with every other Christmas and half the summer.”

This baffles him even more: “If I call, email, or text her mother in reference to our daughter, she takes her time responding. But if I do not inquire at all, she sends me pictures, texts, and email updates often.”

We admit we’re confused, too.  So, we’re anxious to hear your thoughts:

Why does this single mom fail to respond? And generously respond when he’s silent?

Are her boyfriend, BFF, and her mom possibly calling the shots?

Or do you feel she just likes to jerk him around?

This dad is NOT walking away from his child.

So, what’s this single dad’s next logical step?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of Ann-Marie Clapham)

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A divorced single mom who follows us @Twitter sent us a terse email a day or so ago. Our hearts sank when we read her message, and we expect that some of you will personally relate to her situation.  Can you please offer some guidance about the serious parenting decision she now faces?

Here’s what this single mom tells us:

This woman is newly single following her ex’s abrupt announcement that their relationship was over.  Until that time, he’d been an active father of their two children: a three-year-old and a one-year-old.  He denied being in another relationship. Recently, however, this now single mom found out some new information that has her skeptical.

Custody negotiations went easily and smoothly.  Her ex was fine with fifty hours a month of parenting time, and no overnights.  They’d settled into a co-parenting schedule with no big disagreements. And life seemed reasonably uncomplicated.

Last week, however, this single mom received some shocking news:

Last Friday, her ex told her that he’d been fired from a MAJOR corporation where he’d worked for for his entire career. She later found out that he’d been escorted off the premises without warning because he was viewing pornography on the company computer.  “Obviously the child support has gone out the window (unless I can get it out of his 401K) — as did our health insurance, ” says this still stunned mom.

Of course, this single mom now wonders about the implications of his outrageous behavior. She wonders if she should reassess his role in their kids’ lives.  She never suspected her ex had a problem with pornography. (And now his career is in serious jeopardy!)

Here’s what’s on this single mom’s mind right now — she’d love to hear what you think:

Does Dad’s firing for viewing pornography signal that he’s a potential danger to their young children?

Should she seek immediate supervised visitation?

Or is she unnecessarily adding to her ex’s humiliation?

(Personal experiences are always welcome.)

~~~

(Photo courtesy of DaveyBot)

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We know that many of you are dating — or thinking about dating again. So, we hope that you’ll offer some advice to this single mom who wrote to us. Thanks.

This mom — who asked to remain anonymous — became single when she was pregnant and living abroad. We were honored to hear that she’d read both of our books — The Complete Single Mother and Single Mom Seeking — as she made some very tough emotional decisions.

After finding out that her husband had been having an affair, she decided to move back to the United States. She gave birth here, and then hired a lawyer to get divorced.

“But after my ex was served with papers, he told me that he wanted to work things out,” she tells us. “I believed it/wanted it/remained suspicious — but I clung to that idea that I’d have a ‘real’ family. ”

So, she went abroad with her six-week-old daughter to meet him. In the meantime, it was clear that not much had changed. Emotionally, he was distant. Moreover, he wasn’t helping her financially and she had a hard time finding a job. Clearly, he was not committed to working things out. So, when a job came through back in the States at the end of 2009, she decided to move back home again.

“In the meantime, my ex has since fathered a child with his girlfriend,” she says, “Yes, it’s the same woman he was having an affair with when we were married.”

To make matters more complicated, her lawyer says that she needs to reside in her current state for at least one year before she can file for divorce. She is eager to file for divorce this December. 

In fact, she has posted her profile on an online dating site — and marked off the “divorce” box.

“I’m very ready to date again,” she says. “That’s a given. But I’m not sure how honest I need to be before I actually meet a guy in person. I don’t want to have to tell a guy that I am not yet divorced until I know that I want to date him,” she explains. “I don’t want my separation status to be the subject of first date conversation.”

She has already learned the hard way that revealing too much too early — like detailing her history with her ex by email or IM — is a big turn off. “Yet, I want to be honest about what happened,” she says, “to explain why I’m no longer with the father of my child.”

Many of you have said that dating someone who isn’t honest about his/her relationship status is a red flag.

Frankly, we can see both sides of this dating quandary. So, we’d love to hear from you:

Have you dated when you were just separated?

Is your relationship status an essential part of the first date conversation?

Or, can these disclosures wait until a relationship shows some promise?

~~~

Photo courtesy of Simon Lawrence

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You’ve let us know that many of you struggle with the outrageous choices your co-parent makes. And we know (first hand) how difficult it is to manage your budget when child support is undependable — or nonexistent. The compromises many of you make to keep peace with your ex for the kids’ sake are nothing short of heroic.  We applaud you!

So, when this single mom asked a co-parenting question that left us shaking our heads, we knew that YOU would help. Here’s what she told us:

This mom and her ex are divorced, and he only sees their five-year-old daughter once a week — although he lives just several blocks from them. Sometimes, Dad spends the whole day with her. Occasionally, their daughter just spends the night. Besides having a bed for her in his apartment, this dad has nothing for his daughter.

“When he sees her, I have to pack clothes, shoes, toys, books, bathing suit, personal DVD player and DVDs, water bottle, … absolutely everything,”  says this frustrated single mom by email.

When she talks to Dad about this situation, he tells her that he pays her child support to buy those things. So, if  this single mom buys a new DVD, for example, Dad feels she’s buying  it with HIS money.

“I know that many kids pack clothes for an overnight visit, but I feel like I’m being asked to go over and above what child support is supposed to cover, ” she says to us.  “I want to make our daughter comfortable by having her own things, but I’m tired of being responsible to him.”

The situation has been bugging this single mom for a while. But, just recently, Dad lost the head phones for his daughter’s DVD player — and he refused to replace them.

This single mom is unsure whether her co-parenting frustration toward her ex is justified. So, please …do offer your perspective on this single dad’s view of child support.

Is this single mom supposed to provide everything?

Or is Dad shirking his parenting responsibilities by providing nothing?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of Orange Elephant 2009)

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Rachel and I buzz back and forth constantly. We live on opposite coasts with super hectic schedules (just like yours), so chatting on the phone is a rare treat. We often discuss how to balance all the demands of our complicated lives. Keeping kids organized and getting everything done (especially when Dad is out of the picture) is a relentless task.

Swapping advice,  I have offered  my best practical advice to Rachel on how to survive those last-minute requests for a bake sale contribution or that school project that your kids *forgot* to mention.

Rachel breezily responded that those kind of  last minute “kid emergencies” never happened.  She gets email alerts from her child’s school.  And there’s an online calendar. Wow … although I’m always proud to say that  my “babies” are grown-up,  I kind of felt like a dinosaur mom.

My first thought? Parenting is SO much easier today with technology.

You don’t get that late-night pleading request for three dozen cupcakes for tomorrow.  There are no heart-stopping discoveries as the kids clean out their suspiciously stinky book bags, or fast dashes to get the supplies needed for the forgotten diorama project.

Of course, email alerts about impending bake sales and last-minute homework assignments are hardly the whole story when it comes to parenting and technology.

We’ve got the kids with cell phones (0r not) debate, the dangers of Internet predators, and the constant bombardment of information to entice our kids to make potentially unwise choices.

We’re grappling with the question of whether or not technology has made parenting a greater challenge.

So, we’re wondering … what YOU -  the real parenting experts – think.

Has technology made day to day parenting relatively easier?

Or have technology and the media simply made our jobs as parents infinitely more challenging?

We’d LOVE to hear from you.

And the winners of Mom …There’s a Man in the Kitchen and He’s Wearing Your Bathrobe by Ellie Slott Fisher?

*Congrats* toL Heather, Naptural, and Mandy…Enjoy!

~~~

(Photo courtesy of Soul Tripp)

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