We’ve talked often at Singlemommyhood about answering the “dad questions.” And we’ve both struggled with these issues with our own kids.

And we know that many of you deal with “other parent” issues, particularly around the holidays.

So, when a  single dad told us about a recent experience with his daughter, we realized *GULP* that we had never discussed the painful dilemma of the absent mom. (Of course, we got emotional.)

Here’s what this single dad shared with us:

He has sole custody of his almost four-year-old daughter. Her mom is a drug addict. And she hasn’t been heard from since shortly after this little girl was born.

This dad juggles it all — and we know you can all relate to this one:

The publicly funded day care center she attends honors all the winter holidays: Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and Christmas.

“So,  here I am,”  he told us, “sitting on this tiny chair in a room full of moms. All of us are intently decorating Hanukkah cookies with our kids. Suddenly my daughter is pulling at my sleeve with that ‘right now’ look on her face, which usually means a fast trip to the nearest bathroom.”

“Instead, she whispers in my ear: ‘Where’s my mommy?’ “

Of course, his little girl had asked this question before. And she’d seemingly been content with his explanation that her mother loves her “but is too sick to take care of her right now.”

He also comforted his daughter by reciting in a funny sing song way a whole list of people who love her. (Fortunately, this dad has a supportive family and lots of close friends.) This time, however, it just seemed different.

His little girl had reached a new stage. Platitudes, vague explanations and reassurances were soon not going to be enough. And the truth about her mother is another uncertain issue. She could be dead or, just as likely, suddenly appear on his door step. If she did reappear, she would probably not stay long, but surely long enough for his little girl to feel loss when she inevitably left again.

This dad struggles to chose the best path to take with his child.

Should he tell the truth and answer the ‘Where’s my mommy question?’  simply by saying  “I don’t know”?

Or, is it time for him to lay the groundwork to tackle the real life issues about his daughter’s mom?

If so, how should this “missing mommy” conversation with his daughter begin?

(Photo courtesy of Bethisrael1 via Flickr)

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“Why doesn’t he call?”

When Solo Mother’s son recently asked his mom about his absent dad, our hearts dropped.

We understand. We know firsthand how much strength, maturity, and compassion it takes to soothe and comfort your kids when they ask about the absent parent.

In her recent post, Solo Mother’s little guy confronted her about why his dad never calls.

Solo Mother has tried to comfort him through these understandable “Dad meltdowns” — by reassuring her son that his dad loves him and cares about him.

But when her son has come back with, “Well, then, why doesn’t he call?,” Solo Mother has no answer for her son’s logical question.

Unfortunately, there is no “magic answer” to this difficult question. Kids will react differently to a parent’s absence depending on their age, temperament, and expectations from that parent.

Moreover, it can be challenging to explain this situation to a child whose parent chose to leave — rather than, say, a child who lost a parent to death.

No one knows your kids better than you. You don’t need a script. And there really aren’t any one-size-fits-all magic words which will benefit every child.

However, you do need a consistent perspective to discuss the absent parent issue. And here’s what we suggest:

The “blame” belongs with the absent parent. This is very different from badmouthing your ex — which is really all about venting about your own needs. Placing the “blame” on the absent parent lets your kids escape from feeling that they are inadequate, responsible, or just plain unlovable.

Kids often hold themselves accountable by thinking that they’re responsible for a parent’s absence. Out of fear and uncertainty, kids often blame themselves.

So, when you reassure your children that the absent parent still loves and cares for them, it creates confusion. After all, how much caring and loving does an absent parent really show?

Rather than falsely reassuring your kids that the absent parent loves and cares for them, instead try to approach your kids’ questions with an explanation along these lines:

“Some grown-ups are just not able to do the important job of being a parent.”

If it’s age-appropriate, you can also explain a parent’s addiction, incarceration, or mental illness — if these are factors in the absent parent’s choice.

Have your kids asked you about an absent parent in your family?

Do you have any questions about an “absent parent” that you’d like us to answer?

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