A single mom blogger whom we adore has reached out to us for some advice, and although we responded briefly by email,

So, thank you to The Restless Mama for letting us share her story with you:

You might be familiar with The Restless Mama, who has written about her relationship with the man whom she refers to as “The Bambino’s Father.” They were dating on-and-off in Boston, and he didn’t exactly respond positively when she told him she was pregnant. (He got angry, and said things like he’d wanted a girl…)

The last time she saw her now-ex, she was still pregnant with their son. After giving birth, she contacted him to share the news, but he didn’t want to meet his son. When little Bambino was four months old, she moved back to Hawaii to be closer to her family. Their beautiful son is now 17 months, handsome and thriving.

So, what’s the dilemma?

“I miss him,” says The Restless Mama.

Although she’s very honest with herself about the fact that their romantic relationship is over, she explains: “In retrospect, we would have made great friends rather than romantic partners. And that’s what I miss the most.”

Sometimes, she browses his website — he’s an artist. But he hasn’t updated it for more than six months, “so that makes me worry” because she wonders if he’s even alive. Other times, she simply wants to share her son’s milestones with his father on the phone.

“It isn’t a romantic missing,” she says, “but more of missing someone who is dead, which I’m really hoping he isn’t. And I hate that feeling.”

Recently, she sent a card to him, hoping that he’d at least respond by email. He hasn’t.

“How do you cope with this?” she wants to know. “There are times I look at the Bambino and just wish that his father could see him — and my heart aches. Do you — or did you –  go through this?”

Yes, we have. We know that time heals and it’s important to give yourself the time and space to grieve. (Dr. Leah offered some advice in this post about Grieving an Absent Parent.)

If you have any helpful comments to offer The Restless Mama, thank you. We know she’s looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

~~~

And the winners of our book contest for Lori Gottlieb’s Marry Him?

Congrats to: Pippi and Alley!

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Note to clarify: Many single moms refer to a father who’s absent by choice as a “genetic donor” (GD).

“My daughter’s genetic donor left when I was pregnant,” her email begins. “He made it very clear that he wasn’t going to be involved. I decided to move forward with the pregnancy knowing full well I’d raise this baby 100 percent solo. I have two children from a previous relationship and their father is 100 percent involved with our two kids.”

“When I became pregnant, I cut all ties off with anyone connected to the GD — including my friend who is married to his brother. I just couldn’t see how we could still be friends when her brother-in-law was keeping my pregnancy a secret. Actually, the GD had reunited with the mother of his first child and got her pregnant again. I wasn’t even aware of this until I was six months pregnant. Our children are now two weeks apart.”

“Maybe I was wrong for cutting my friend off,” she adds. “But I just couldn’t see how our friendship could continue.”

Now, here’s the dilemma:

“The GD’s brother — my friend’s husband — called me out of the blue recently to ask to be in my five month old daughter’s life.  He said he doesn’t agree with his brother’s decision. ‘I want to be a dad substitute for my niece,’ he said. ‘I want to be there for her.’ “

But this mom says: “I’m scared to allow him into our lives, and I’m not even sure why. The GD and his brother have an up and down relationship (right now they’re not on speaking terms). I’ve steered clear of the GD’s girlfriend and new baby – I just don’t want the drama. The GD lives literally four blocks from us and has yet to see my daughter.”

“I’ve come to accept that the GD will likely never be in my daughter’s life.”

So, here’s the question: “Should I allow his brother into my daughter’s life? Is it better to cut off all ties?  Or is it worth the risk to let this uncle assume a ‘dad substitute’ role?”

We’re wondering: How should this single mom handle the offer of a “dad substitute”?

(Photo courtesy of ilovefremont2001)

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Last summer, when Rachel, aka Single Mom Seeking, told me that she’d gotten a cell phone for her eight-year-old, I couldn’t believe my ears.

Rachel tried to explain: “The phone isn’t for her: it’s for me.”

I thought: How did we ever survive childhood?! Seriously, I’ve talked to many parents who refuse to purchase a cell phone for their kids until they can drive. So, I wanted to know why Rachel had made the cell phone plunge.

She described how independent her daughter was becoming: her daughter was using public transportation to go to day camp.  She was having more play dates and slumber parties.

So, Rachel was a bit anxious. What if my child got lost? What if she needed to reach her mom? Or, just as importantly, what if she wanted to reach her daughter?

Of course, her daughter was thrilled to get a cell phone. But, as Rachel carefully explained, all the numbers stored on her phone are for family and close neighbor-friends.  She has rarely called another child.  She knows that her phone is a privilege.

When my kids were her daughter’s age, there were no cell phones. Just pagers. Pagers cost literally thousands of dollars. The prevailing wisdom at that time:  If you saw someone with a pager, he was either a physician or a drug dealer.  In short, pagers were strictly for grown-ups.

Of course, the cost for a kid cell phone today is pocket change.

Still, I kept thinking: this child is only eight, for goodness sake. Does she really need a cell phone? And what’s the trade-off?

My kids listened intently to the “what if ” instructions because it was not possible to get in touch with me instantly.  And sometimes they needed to figure things out for themselves without my immediate help.  I’m not the least surprised that both my kids are capable, self-reliant young adults.

Frankly, I’m puzzled: How do tweens with cell phones  develop  confidence and self-reliance when Mom is always available?

If there any down side to Rachel’s quest for peace of mind?

How have you tackled the cell phone issue with your own kids?

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