CoastalGal99 wrote us recently with some unsettling news:

“My eight-year-old daughter came home from her dad’s this weekend and announced, ‘Daddy is getting married!’

I didn’t even know that he had a girlfriend! My daughter explained that she was introduced to ‘Daddy’s new wife.’

But she asked me if she should call her ‘Mommy,’ too.

Later that night, I laced into him on the phone.  He flipped out and told me to MYOB.

How am I supposed to deal with this latest Dad drama?”

Since you asked . . . Dr. Leah replies

Obviously, your ex should have told you ahead of time about his upcoming marriage plans so that your daughter — and you — could get used to the idea. Why he chose to (not) communicate in this way and surprise your daughter with this announcement is anyone’s guess. But it’s done now.

Here are some thoughts to keep in mind:

You are the only mommy. Your little girl was looking for guidance not seeking to replace you. Handle the “name question” by simply saying, “Call her…(first name)”.

Stepmothers should not be envied. Your ex’s “new wife” is assuming a difficult role. Resist the urge to encourage the inevitable clashes. Nix the name calling. Why give anyone permission to come up with unflattering nicknames for you?

Changes and adjustments. Will your ex respond to e-mail? Ask if any changes in the parenting time schedule are planned. Ask the logistical wedding plans so you can help your daughter prepare. Try to be flexible if only for the sake of your child. Try to encourage some one-on-one time with Daddy so your daughter feels reassured of her important place in Daddy’s life.

Is his new wife willing to speak to you about practical matters like wedding plans and/or parenting time schedules?

You may want to warn her or call her every name in the book, but remember, at least for now, that this woman will play a role in your child’s life. Keep your relationship as cordial as you can. You don’t have to like her, but you do need to get along with her if only to keep your child’s life as stress free as possible.

We’d love to hear about your experiences when your ex gets re-married.

Is Dr. Leah “on target” when it comes to coping with a “new wife” (or husband)?

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