Singlemommyhood.com » scared

What does “more space” really mean?

Rachel Sarah — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 10:25:02 +0000

When single guys — who are dating single moms — write to us, we’re always fascinated by their perspective on what can be tricky relationship territory.

So, when we got an emotional email from “Dr. C” — a physician — we asked him if we could share his story with you. Dr. C. is a single guy with no kids who has been dating a single mom with a nine-year-old daughter for six months. He says that he really loves his girlfriend — and adores her daughter — but every time they start to get really close, this single mom says she needs “some space.”

This threesome has a great time together. The little girl has been very articulate, however, about the difference between “friend” and “boyfriend/” From her perspective, “boyfriends” come and go; yet “friends” are forever. And she’s crystal clear that she wants Dr. C. in the “friend” category.

Clearly, Mom is fearful and hesitant about getting emotionally close to another man as part of a committed relationship. (Her ex was abusive, and she left him when her daughter was a baby). Her daughter is looking to love and trust “forever,” but it’s hard to know what unspoken feelings may lurk beneath her words.

Things are starting to get (more) complicated: This summer, this single mom told Dr. C. — again — that she needed a month apart to think about things. In the meantime, Dr. C. decided to go on a lunch date with another woman — “against my better judgment, but due to a friend’s urging mostly” — and this single mom briefly dated another guy.

Dr. C. still loves this single mom. But, she keeps asking for “more space.”

“My friends tell me to give up and move on, say Dr. C. “And they tell me that I’m a glutton for punishment.”

This physician is looking for a “second opinion” from YOU . . .

Is this single mom’s repeated request for “more space” a clear signal they have no future?

Or should this single guy hang in there and give her “more space” to heal and learn to trust again?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of Ashenzil)

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“I put my world on my back for this single mom”

Rachel Sarah — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 09:37:16 +0000

At least a few times a month, we get emails from guys who are dating single moms. Most of them don’t have kids and they’re writing to us because they want some advice from single moms. That’s exactly why we turn to you… Because who gets single moms better than single moms themselves?

“Our love affair started off like a whirlwind,” writes this 37-year-old man in his email to us. “I have never felt this way about anyone in my life and I thought I’d finally found The One.”

He met this single mom of two kids one year ago, but they didn’t officially started to date until three months ago. This was after her “emotionally painful divorce” had been finalized, and he told her he’d been interested in her for a long time. He only met her daughter once, by chance, and he never met her son. “I didn’t want to complicate things by bringing in the kids early on,” he explained, “and she agreed this was a good idea.”

He went on to say that she seemed very “fragile” and he did his best to boost her self-confidence. He adored her and often complimented her and took her out for fun, romantic dates. One time, however, he forgot to tell her how beautiful she looked on their date, “and she was very angry about this. After this happened, I felt I was walking on egg shells.”

So, what’s the problem? A couple of months into their new relationship, he “took a business trip to Europe. As soon as I left, it was like she emotionally checked out. We never recovered from that. She said she started ‘thinking’ and everything changed. I still do not know what she was ‘thinking.’ ”

He pleaded for her to tell him what changed, but she was shut down. “I continued to text her once a day, to let her know that I was thinking about her, but on the third day, she said I was stressing her out and that she didn’t have time to respond to my texts. I missed her so much, and I tried to tell her that. All I received in return was silence.”

The only recent “conversation” they had were a couple of emails back and forth. “I put the world on my back for her,” he said. “Why would she turn away?”

Clearly, this guy is in a lot of pain. “Any insight would be helpful!” he wrote to us. He wonders if this single mom is simply scared — and with a bit of time and trust, they can work things out. But he also wonders if he’s just being naive?

He said that he’d love to hear from other single moms:

He wonder if he should he lick his wounds and move on? Or, perhaps he should wait it out and see if she opens up….?

Photo by Luciano

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When co-parents do NOT agree

Dr. Leah — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 10:10:38 +0000

Because we’re both solo parents — we’ve been raising our kids without an ex in the picture — we often turn to YOU for advice when it comes to co-parenting.

One of the biggest challenges we hear from co-parents is how to let go when your kids are with your ex. It can be challenging to relinquish control — and to really trust that your ex is going to make responsible decisions. Do you agree?

You’ve told us how to make the best of holidays when you and your ex are coordinating them together. And you’ve offered such great feedback about what to do when your ex brings his new “friend” to a school event. Just recently, we had a lively conversation about the need (or not) for consistency between co-parents.

So, we weren’t surprised to hear a call for your advice ASAP from a blogger we admire. Ewokmama is a single mom who’s engaged to be married this fall – yeah!

Here’s what she told us about this sudden co-parenting crisis:

“I found out yesterday that my ex-husband plans to take our 3.5 year old son to a heavy metal (actually, it’s classified as “death metal”) concert in about a week. I don’t feel that this is an appropriate place for a preschooler.”

Of course, this single mom immediately did the research. She had hoped the venue would have age restrictions, but their website cited no such restrictions.

“I doubt it occurs to anyone that someone would bring a small child to a death metal concert.” (We agree.)

She went on to tell us that she’s especially concerned because her son is highly sensitive to noise. He gets scared if a loud vehicle passes by. She’s very worried about how he’ll respond to a loud rock concert filled with rowdy strangers, many of whom might be under the influence of one substance or another.

And she’s concerned with the possible damaging effect of loud noise on his hearing.

She and her ex have clashed before over what Dad felt was appropriate for our child. And ultimately, they could not agree.

So, the dilemma is obvious:

How do you suggest this single mom should approach her ex about her serious worries?

What words would you choose to convince her ex that this concert is simply not an appropriate parenting time activity?

~~~~

(Photo courtesy of daMusic be. via Flickr)

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How do you handle those unexpected expenses?

Dr. Leah — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 09:30:20 +0000

No matter how well you plan, life can catch you off guard.

As a single parent, you know about careful budgeting. You have a knack for stretching a dollar.

Many of you have survived calamitous divorces that force you to make difficult money choices and difficult compromises. Some of you have survived unexpected losses and bad luck.

Rachel recently blogged at Single Mom Seeking about her unexpected eviction notice. Who saw all those unplanned moving expenses coming? And those must-haves every new home requires?

I remember that first orthodontist visit with my daughter. I calmly listened to the orthodontist describe what needed to be fixed — it all seemed sensible and clear. Panic set in, however, when the costs were detailed.

I felt like I’d lost my breath. My first couple of cars cost less than the “course of treatment” that the orthodontist was so casually detailing!

You might know that I raised my “babies” without any financial support from their dad. Unexpected expenses for me always meant altering plans, changing priorities, and actively looking for extra ways to boost my income.

Today, we’re all coping with tight budgets in these tough economic times. When we’re hit with unexpected expenses, the financial juggling intensifies. How you cope is an intensely personal choice.

We’re wondering how are you coping with unexpected expenses? Are you able to coax a bit more support from you ex? Can you rely on family members for a no-strings loan? Have you found extra work?

We’d love to hear about any “extra money” inspirations that have worked out for you.

Maybe you’ve simply made yet another round of tough budget cuts? Did you ever find that you did not miss what you cut as much as you thought you would? Or were those cuts pretty hard to manage — and they left you feeling upset and angry?

You’re not alone if you’re struggling. Of course, feeling “overwhelmed” is perfectly normal.

We’d love to know how you’re managing.

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Sneaking a date into your bedroom?

Dr. Leah — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 03:00:36 +0000

Did that get your attention?

If you are currently on a no sex hiatus, this is probably one of the thoughts that’s keeping you stuck:

OMG! Sneaking a date into my bedroom would be a terrible thing to do! My kids would be scarred for life!

And, there could be a bit of truth there, if the operative word is “sneaking.”

“Sneaking” suggests a last minute/ no other choice kind of situation. “Sneaking” also suggests anxiety and the fear that you’ll get caught.

And, of course, the biggie for single parents is: guilt.

We’d like for you think about this in a different way. What if you did some planning… instead of “sneaking”?

That’s right. You’re planning to have sex in your own bed with another human being when the kids are asleep.

No, the kids are not with the other parent, or with a babysitter, or at a sleep-over. They are tucked into their own beds while you are having passionate sex in your own bed.

Here’s what you might already know from (a not such positive) experience or just anticipation based on common sense:

Kids can get confused and upset when an overnight “guest” suddenly appears. This “other grown up” disrupts, if only briefly, familiar routines. He/she can also raise questions in kids’ minds about what’s going on.

Kids resist change and, likely, your kids have had more than their share already. And you, the parent, are left to deal with the unpleasant fall out.

Just thinking about how you might deal with that kid fall out is enough to make most single parents stay in a safe sexless coma.

But you’re a human being with wants and needs: this kind of thinking is unnecessary and unhealthy.

Delicious, satisfying, toe curling sex in your own bed/kids asleep can happen (yes, we have been there, obviously) without kid-drama.

Practically speaking, each single parent has his/her own circumstances and challenges. So, unfortunately, there is no simple 1-2-3 guide to having a sex life at home and keeping your kids on a steady emotional course.

So, we need to know:

Would you like to find more in your bed than the toys the kids left behind, work from the office you promised yourself you would finish, or last month’s gossip magazine?

Does the idea of an “at home sex” scare you?

Is it unacceptable from a parental perspective?

Are you just a little bit curious about how other responsible single parents manage?

Photo by Celiece

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