So, this recent email from a single mom in crisis challenged us. Many of you have told us about how you’ve navigated the co-sleeping transition. Your confident advice has been spot on. But this sleeping with kids dilemma has a heart breaking twist. Here’s what the newly single mom told us:

“Last year, my husband called me on his cell while I was at work: he told me that he’d moved out. It was heartbreaking to bring our two kids home — my son was three and my daughter was seven –to find the house in shambles.”

All of his personal items — including clothes, sports equipment,  and, of course, the flat screen TV– were gone.  As you might have guessed, this vanishing dad left a financial mess in his wake. So, this single mom had to move in temporarily with her mom. Now (yeah!) she’s back on her feet — and in her own place.  She can give her children their own bedrooms.

Still, it has been a very tough year. Dad is off doing his thing, and she’s working harder than ever. The kids — who are now four and eight — are doing pretty well, but their absent by choice father is a terrible loss.  (We understand).

Here’s what’s got this single mom so upset:

At bed time everything just seems to fall apart. Both kids insist on sleeping with her.  She has tried making their rooms as attractive as her budget allows. And she has emphasized that “big kids” sleep in their own beds.  But, no matter how she much she tries to insist or cajole, the kids always wind up sleeping with her.

This got us emotional: “I think this is all my fault,” she says. “I feel guilty because part of me craves their presence at night.  Yes … the kids need me.  But the truth is, I  need them just as much.”

We definitely get it. This single mom and her children have been through SO much.  To everyone’s credit,  they’re soldiering on, which is never easy.

We’re asking for your help in sorting out this complicated and painful parenting dilemma.

Should this single mom stop stressing — and sleep with her kids to soothe both herself and them?

Do they just need time to heal?

Or, should this single mom take definite and consistent steps to end this sleeping arrangement?

If so, what’s the best way to begin?

~~~~~~~~

We salute Ms. Jenn who so honestly and touchingly wrote about her own similar struggles.

(Photo courtesy of Tweedlebugs)

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We all agree that dating is for grown-ups. And we all know that *romance* for single parents is often a complicated juggling act. Things get even more complicated if your kids insist on turning your bed into the family activity center. Or maybe your kids have just decided that they prefer sleeping in your bed.

One of the things we love about our readers is how incredibly honest you’ve been about your parenting choices — and how they have influenced your personal lives. We’ve learned so much for you. Thank you.

So, when we heard from a single dad with a 13-year-old son and an eight-year-old daughter — who says that he’s getting ready to bolt from a promising romantic relationship with a single mom — we knew right away that we had to get your perspective on this daunting relationship dilemma.

Here’s what this single dad told us:

“My girlfriend thinks it’s wrong for us to sleep together in the same house when the children are there.”

“But I think this is a normal part of a caring adult relationship. And it should not be hidden from the children.”

At least they are talking about their feelings about grown-up sleep-overs.

Yet, here’s what they are NOT talking about:

This single mom’s 10-year-old daughter sleeps in her bed every night. From the single dad’s perspective, this little girl has her mother right where she wants her. He sees this family bed arrangement — which this little girl vigorously demands — as manipulative nonsense. This single mom makes no attempt to change their sleeping arrangements. And she refuses to talk about this parenting choice with him.

Apparently, there are other *issues*, too. This single mom has been a solo parent since her daughter was born. And she’s fiercely independent. She holds strongly to her parenting beliefs, and seems very stubborn about changing them.

This single dad is grappling with a couple of tough questions. And needs your help.

Should this single dad hang in there and hope that with time — and trust — he and his girlfriend will come to a compromise about the sleep issue?

Or, is sleeping with her daughter really a signal from this single mom that there’s literally no room for him in her life?

Or, maybe these these sleeping arrangements are *normal* and just another relationship challenge they need to figure out?

~~~~

(Photo courtesy of Mary Moses via Flickr)

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Are you having sex in your own home?

We asked you this recently, and we’re not surprised that this is one of the most controversial subjects for single parents.

You’ve chimed in (thanks!), and we’ve noted that most of you do feel entitled to have sex in your own home.

So, what’s the problem?

For starters, what if your kids are at home?

Many of you have written about your “older kids” whose preferred schedule is strictly nocturnal. We’ve also noted your objections from the “other parent” when custody issues are still being worked out.

And, what about the kids who might inadvertently report a new boy/girlfriend to classmates? Yes, that’s also a concern.

We understand. That’s why were here to talk about all these challenges — and more.

Many of you are justifiably overwhelmed by conflicting demands of work and family. Of course, your kids come first. While you crave passion and intimacy, carving out time for “you” is a challenge.

A vast majority of you seem to have nearly full time responsibility for our kids. Even with split custody parenting time schedules, you don’t want to miss school conferences, athletic events,  birthday parties, or just the opportunity to meet your kids’ friends.

So, your kid-free breaks are infrequent and not always on a dependable schedule. When you are alone, there are many competing demands, including the need to simply rest.

But here’s what has most surprised us:

Although you DO crave privacy to be intimate, the challenge is this: you lack a “kid free” place in your own home to carry this out.

~~~

So, this leaves us wondering: Do you have a private “kid free zone” in your home?

Likely, it’s your bedroom. Are we right?

If not, what’s preventing you from having a private “kid-free zone” at home?

We thank Crazy Computer Dad for inspiring this post.

Photo by Nelso47

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