Are you a long distance dad?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Single Dads, Tips & Advice
Today, we’re featuring two dads who don’t get to see their kids very often as often as they’d like to, such as Mike from Going Sane in a Crazy World … and Todd, a.k.a. Canadian Bald Guy. Coincidentally, both are fathers to 10-year-olds!
CBG’s descriptions about his daughter often give us the chills because they’re so raw and honest. (That’s Todd with his daughter, whom he calls “The Rascal;” and his son, known as “The Ankle Biter.”)
He’s also a great example of a dad who goes all out for his child, even though he’s not physically present all the time, such as bringing one of her emails to life in a story he wrote for her.
Recently, in an emotional post, CBG wrote about how his daughter asked — for the first time — why her parents got divorced. Moreover, she seemed worried that her father didn’t love her.
“I’m nervous and I’m scared,” wrote CBG. “My heart breaks every time I think about my little girl having those thoughts. Maybe they’ve been building-up for awhile…maybe they were said in a fit of puberty-filled anger. I don’t really know.
Then he asked his readers for advice about how to “explain to my daughter just how much I love her, when I don’t see her very often at all?“
We also love the fact that CBG writes about how spending time with his daughter changes — and heals — him. During her most recent visit in March, for example, CBG said: “It’ll hurt when she gets on that plane, but I’ll embrace the pain and forge ahead. Life goes on…and I’m ready to embrace that, too.”
~~~
If you’re a long-distance dad, we’d love to hear from you!
How do you remain connected to your child(ren)?
And moms, we’re sure that dads here would love to hear your thoughts, too (thanks for keeping it constructive and kind):
Do you have any advice for long-distance dads about how they might stay close to their kids? Thanks.
|
Ultimate go-to guide for single mothers. The Complete Single Mother is the only comprehensive and best selling self help book ever written for single parents. It’s packed with savvy advice, sisterly comfort, as well as reassuring answers to all your single mom challenges. |
|
Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
No related posts.
I read CBG blog and every time he post about his kids you can tell it is from his heart and full of love.
Bobbi Janay’s last blog post..Product Policy
Twitter @ http://goingsaneinacrazyworld.blogspot.com/
Thanks for the shout out. I’ll have to check out CBG’s blog.
Mike’s last blog post..Old Pictures
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
Great topic. My boyfriend is facing this situation too.
I am the product of a long distance dad, and we were always very close. We went through a number of degrees of distance: closest was a 2-hour drive; farthest was Seattle to NY.
My dad didn’t do anything out of the ordinary to keep that connection. He just showed that he loved me, missed me, and wanted to know all about me.
He called me religiously every Sunday evening. (Sometimes more often, but the Sunday evening thing never faltered.) Even when he was on vacation. Even when I became an adult. He only missed one Sunday in 20+ years, and that was because he was hospitalized.
Incidentally, though I was close with both of my parents, my dad quickly became the one I turned to when I really needed to talk about something. I have to believe that those regular phone calls played a part in turning him into my confidant. Now, of course, you could add web cams to those calls.
Beyond that, when my dad and I were able to spend face time together, he made the most of it. He would play Barbies with me. He would pretend to be a princess. When I got older, he’d read some of the same books I was reading so we could talk about them over the phone. Older still (and living a relatively scant 3 hours apart), when I began studying ballet and modern dance, he’d ask to accompany me to any performances that piqued my interest. And then he’d take me to a late dinner afterward so we could talk about the show. He wanted me to teach him – my strip miner dad – about dance, because that’s what I was interested in.
The bottom line is that my father loved me and there was no missing it, even from across the country. I’m sure the same is true of the fathers who inspired this post. As a parent, I can’t imagine the heartache that these long-distance dads face on a daily basis. But as the daughter of a long-distance dad, I can tell you that very rewarding relationships can be built despite that distance. I would trade a same-city disinterested father for a long-distance interested father in a heartbeat.
Martini Mom’s last blog post..Welcome to the Single Mom’s Club
Twitter @ singledadlife
, I will slide by the question of him having to be a long distance dad. If it gives him any consolation, I’ve had full custody of my three children for almost 9 years. Believe me, there were times my kids questioned me as well. A favorite quote of mine is from Carnegie Mellon, “pay more attention to what people do, not what they say.” Although I believe in telling your kids often you love them, actions will pay off more in the long run. The hardest part is living through the earlier years when they are younger. I can’t tell you how many times my kids “get it” now as they are older and understand things I did and said when they were younger.
CBG, I feel for him. He’s obviously an awesome single dad and enjoy checking his blog. So I don’t get chased out of the neighborhood
CBG, just keep calling, keep talking, do what your doing. She feels your love, she knows you love her. Sometimes she just wants to hear it for some reinforcement.
Barry’s last blog post..Summer and Single Parent Hedonism
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
CBG is one of my favorite single parent bloggers. I love reading all his posts and especailly ones about his kids. His enthusiasm for them is hard to miss.
MindyMom’s last blog post..Forgive Me, for I Have Sinned
Twitter @ iswirls
Great topic. I’m glad you’re supporting the other side, dads. Sometimes our input and efforts go unnoticed and unappreciated. Keep up the good work Mike and Todd.
Eathan’s last blog post..Speak Up Single Dad Contest
I loves me some CBG!!
QTMama’s last blog post..Back Home!
Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
Rachel, I very much appreciate the shout-out. I’m not familiar with Mike’s blog…will definitely have to check him out.
And thanks to everybody else for their comments.
Please know that things with the Rugrat are going well. She’s doing better and I think is becoming more comfortable in her own skin…which is REALLY tough when you’re 10 going on 14.
Thanks again for supporting the Blogosphere!
Canadian Bald Guy’s last blog post..Confessions from a Cubicle: Training Day 1
I am, unfortunately, in the position of becoming a long distance dad. My wife told me a few weeks ago that she doesn’t love me any more and that she was leaving. She said she had been thinking about it since January, but never told me. We moved from Florida to Indianapolis for a job I got here. Great company and great area. I thought we would be fine.
She has been upset but, whenever I asked, she told me it was because she couldn’t find work and that it was taking a toll. Turns out it was that and more. But I never knew or had a chance to help fix it.
We have been married for 8 years this December. She was 21 and I was 28 when we married. We have a 4 year old daughter and 2 year old son, both of whom I cannot envision living without.
She is going to live with her Mom in FL to get on her feet and taking the kids with her. I do not protest because at least the kids will have a support system. I have no family so, under these circumstances, I think it is best. But it hurts every day. I cry every day. I know I will be there for them as I have a good relationship with her family. I will go there on Halloween and Thanksgiving. They are coming up for Christmas with the hope for snow. I am praying hard for that one.
I was glad to run across this site because I am so scared of everything. My house will be empty and quiet when I get home. We ate dinner together at the table every night with no exceptions, so that will be hard as well. And at dinner, one of the kids would ask everyone in turn “How was your day? What did you do today?” When my son asked two days ago, I excused myself to avoid them seeing me break down. people that tell you it is OK and that you will still be there don’t understand how awful the loss of the small every day moments are. I dread that as I am th eone to tuck them in and sing to them. the one to awake with them and make them breakfast. It’s so hard to contemplate…
I feel lost and am glad there are places I can get encouragement and advice. It is so hard to think about my life without them. The truth is, I never imagined it possible. We have always had a good relationship and great little family. Even discussed adding to it 2 months ago. And from that to this.
I plan to talk to them via web cam every afternoon and see them every 3 to 4 weeks, but it surely doesn’t feel like enough. I am sure I will end up moving closer but am here until at least next July. The pain is almost suffocating. Just a very hollow feeling.
Thanks again to you all for having places like this to get support. I need it to be honest. I just needed to see that my life wasn’t over, no matter how much it feels like it is. My family is my everything. And now they are leaving. And I feel I have lost everything.
Sorry for the long rambling post. I am overwhelmed…
I make a point to try and send a video at least once every day or so, of me in a different place and tell my son where I am. I send it to his moms phone and he can watch it whenever he wants.
chris: Thanks so much for joining the conversation. This is a wonderful idea. Please visit us again soon.
I just stumbled across this post and it couldn’t have happened at a better time. I am looking at going from being a stay at home dad to losing custody of my kids and having to move out of state for employment. We moved to a new area last summer for my wife’s job and I quit mine to stay home with the kids. They are six and four. I found out last winter that my wife was having an affair that started right after we moved. She filed and I fought for custody, but couldn’t find work in the area so I am looking at going from 24/7 with the kids to 86 days a year. It is suffocating and the pain and the guilt of it all makes it difficult to move sometimes.
Being a “long distance” dad is nothing I would have ever imagined a year ago. I appreciate the article and the people who post their comments. It is nice to know I’m not alone. I will be sure to start reading and following some of these blogs. Maybe I’ll start my own. Peace…
Heath: So sorry to hear of your change of circumstances. We wonder if other dads who’ve faced similar circumstances might offer some advice?
I got divorced in December of 2007.
My ex wife remarried quickly, and in August of 2009 moved with my 3 sons to Texas to be with her new husband and his 2 daughters from his previous marriage.
Instead of covering the back story; the lawyers, the back and forth, and the eventual “happy mom, happy kids’ mentality of the wonderful state of NJ that allowed her to take them away, I’d rather focus on what I have done to try and cope with being a “long distance dad”.
When I watched my children cry,breakdown and fall apart in front of me the night before my ex moved them 1500 miles away, I made myself 1 promise:
***** never lose touch with my sons.ever.period.*****
My world fell apart. I didn’t sleep. I dint eat. I didn’t shave….I was a zombie – hollowed out by the loss and emptiness I felt in a world without my 3 sons in it everyday.
I had a great lawyer, and with his guidance I fought for the best visitation schedule I could get; every Christmas break, Spring break, and 8 consecutive weeks in the Summer, all here with me in NJ.
I wrote letters alot that first year.
I sent LOTS of treats and little gifts; a package went out almost every other week at the beginning.
That wasn’t practical, or something I could keep up over the long term. (or economically feasible – the shipping cost alone from NJ to Texas was in excess of almost 75.00 per month)
We webcammed – 3 days a week, about an hour and a half each night.
That turned into “Skyping” via Skype, a clearer, easier interface for our “cyber visits”.
For you dads out there that Skype or Webcam – keep a pad by the computer, and make notes for follow up on the next session – you’d be surprised how much you may forget to ask or follow up on! (It also reassures the kids that you are really listening and care about how the baseball game went or how they did on that math test)
Even now,there are days when I have finished Skyping that I sit and cry, wishing I could be there during the mundane, the routine, the “everyday” that I miss so much.
I look forward to the next Skype session as soon as the one we were on just on ends….we laugh, we catch up, and there is never a “sign off” with each of my sons where I don’t let them know I am here for them, the cell phone is on 24/7, I miss them and love them with all my heart.
That is SO important, to all you Long Distance Dads, constant reassurance that you are there, a phone call away, a day away from the next webcam session.
Stability, even at a distance, is the foundation you build your long distance relationship on. There are times that it seems like the pain and loss will never cease, let up or get easier to deal with. There are days I cant stand the fact that its 2 months before I see my kids in person, for hugs and smiles and face to face “real time” interaction…but I know they know I love them, I am here for them, and always will be….and that keeps me going…knowing that the miles cant change the love we share – no matter what.
@Jeff: We are so honored to read your story, and hear about your commitment and love as a dad. Thank you.
Many thanks to all of you for sharing your stories. As a lond-distance dad to two kids who live with their mom in a foreign country, I can relate to SO many of the responses. But to read Martini Mom’s story of how much impact an absent father can have on a child brought tears to my eyes.
The struggle to stay involved and relevant from 3000 miles away is constant and at times consuming. I invest so much emotional capital, hours, and dollars into my relationship with my two kids, all in the hope that one day they will have the feeling that she had about her father. To think that my efforts might someday pay off in my kids knowing that I am always, forever “daddy,” is inspiring.
To the other fathers faced with this reality, just keep at it. Know that if you consistently show your kids they are the most important thing on the planet they will know it. Be the shark: always moving forward.
My best.
Erik: It’s always a pleasure to hear from loving dads. Thanks for adding your thoughts.
Twitter @ elpaisa1970
Im a long distance father. I live near Philadelphia, PA and my kids live near Charlotte, NC. I have a nine year old and two year old twins. All boys. Theres not a day that goes boy that I don’t feel empty. The drive to Charlotte is 10 hours from Philadelphia. I make this drive each month in order to spend 24 hours with my kids. I leave work at 4PM on a Fri and Im in Charlotte by 2AM. Pick up my boys Sat morning and drop them off Sunday morning before driving 10hrs back to Philadlphia. Is emotiionally, physically, and financially exhausting. But I never think twice about it. Last summer i had them for a month. Next summer I have them for two months and cannot wait. I do Skype with them each night. I ask how there days were.
The hardest is still dealing with my ex (we were married for 10 yrs) to get news on the mildstones of my two year old twins. Since they don’t have voices of their own yet. She only updates me when I ask about them or when she needs money. Never freely upon her own will. Seems she has the thinking if she ignores me, I’ll go away. She came from a broken family and her mother took her from her father and she never met him. Seems like she wants history repeated. I already let her know, thats never going to happen so not to even try. I do my best to stay in touch with my kids. I keep myself very much involved in their lives. I’m in contact with thier teachers and saycare providers. I have a saying, if my kids forget who their fathers, there’s no one to blame but myself.
Good luck to all the long distance fathers. I feel your pain. You are not alone out there.
Rich
Rich: we’re so honored to hear how you parent long distance with so much love — bravo.
I am a long distance dad. It doesn’t get much further than this. I am in Canada and my son who is 13, lives in New Zealand with his mum and step dad. It has been incredibly difficult on me especially now that he is in his teen years. I wish I could be there for him, but all I can do is Skype when I can and offer any support. He has. Een there since he was 7. I have seen him twice since.
I am a long distance dad now for two years. My children are 16 and 12. (A little back story my 16 year old son was actually my stepson when I was married to his Mom and also the mother of my daughter. I helped raise him since he was 3 and we have always been close so I will always call him son and he calls me Dad). I moved from Rock Hill, SC (where my children live with their mom) to just outside Chicago IL for work. I talk to both kids everyday and a large chunk of my pay goes to their “travel fund” so they can come at least once a month during the school year and for a large portion of their summer break. I keep up with my daughters Karate and am very proud that my son is in ROTC and will be enlisting with the Marines this summer, I also am very in touch with how they are doing in their school and social lives. Though I miss them more than I can put into words on a daily basis and I feel a little piece of me dies each time I drive them to the airport I know that they know how much I love them. I do not think a parent can fully understand how hard it is to be away from their child like that unless they have experienced it, and I would not wish that on anyone. I know that before I moved, I would get irritated at them sometimes (i.e. talking way too much or too loud or not picking up their rooms all the time… in general being kids), and don’t get me wrong children need structure and the right discipline in life but I have come to realize I just want that time with them and many of those things that would get under my skin are trivial compared to listening to the tell me about the latest crush on the girl in science class or playing flute in a talent show. I lost many “friends” when I made the move and still when I talk to certain people they look at me like I am crazy for moving the way I did, heck sometimes I break down in tears thinking the same things about myself but then I look at my children and see the wonderful young adults they have become and I know somehow I did something right. So until I have the opportunity to be closer I will continue calling, Skyping, and getting them every single chance I can.