Another absent parent dilemma
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Single Moms
She describes herself as “a mommy, scribe, and middle-school English teacher” who is “trying to cope with being separated from my beloved. We look forward to your feedback:
Many of us — single moms and dads — wrestle with how to deal with the questions surrounding an absent parent. Children, by nature, are inquisitive little people who want answers.
So how do you handle the infamous, “Where’s Daddy?” question?
Every since my beloved was locked up, I’ve been dreading the conversation that I’ll have to have with my son about his father’s absence. How will I tell him his dad is in prison?
My son is just three, but I know it’s only a matter of time before he starts asking me specific questions. Lately, my son has become more aware that his father is away — and he’s been talking a lot about him. You see, for the past few years my beloved has been incarcerated. We’ve had sporadic visits, daily phone calls, and letters. It’s not at all ideal, but somehow we make it work….but for how long?
For the longest time, I was so intent on my son not being affected by the stigma of having a parent in jail that I went out of my way to not even mention it — but that can only last so long.
Sometimes, parents try to get creative with the answers to the “Where’s daddy or mommy” question with the hopes of sparing their child a little hurt– and themselves a huge headache.
But really, that’s not always the right road to take. Later on, the child will still not be pacified by hearing that “Daddy took a trip” or “Mommy loves you but….” We can dole out answers, but our kids will feel frustrated and may even rebel.
Instead of trying to shield your child with half-truths that can lead to confusion and blame, it’s best to meet them where they are. Honesty is always the best policy, especially when dealing with questions about an absent parent.
Does this mean you rehash the gory details of your break-up, and the parent’s decision to leave? Of course not.
But it does mean that, as your children gets older, you explain to them tell why Mommy or Daddy is no longer around. You explain them that while their other parent has decided to leave, it is absolutely not their fault. You reassure your children they are loved — and that they can always, always count on you.
Explaining to your children why their parent is gone may not ease their feelings of loss and loneliness — but it may help to quash any feelings of self-doubt and blame they may harbor about why their parent left.
If you’re raising your child(ren) solo, we’d love to know how you’ve answered the “Where’s Daddy or Mommy” question?
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First off I LOVE LOVE LOVE The Priosner’s Wife! We’ve been blog Sisters for a good long while now…happy to see her with this tribe over here!
As mommy who served time in a federal prison camp. This is tough. We made the decision not to tell our 4 children. My time away was short. So that was very doable. I would err on the side of caution with a 3 year old. The truth is big and he can’t process that or have a framework to draw from. I defer to the trained professionals around psychological issues. As a mom I am not sure I would tell the whole truth… I would say Dad has to be (insert) and He will be a way for a long time. I would focus on the ways in which he can communicate with his Dad…visiting…letters…calls. photos etc.
I heart you and I hold you and the Beloved(s) in my prayers
Lovebabz’s last blog post..FAITH FORWARD: LOSS & REGRET
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
My X has been in jail a few times in the past 6 years. Two of the times were on my youngest daughter’s birthday – AFTER he’d already told them he would be there for their bday party. I struggled with that decision, but in the end, I told them the truth and told them why (in age appropriate words), and I’m glad I did. When the caller ID showed up as “LA Prison,” they would’ve found out anyway.
And that’s basically how I’ve handled all of it with them: doling out more and more truths the older they get.
April’s last blog post..My X is a prick
Babz: you know i love you too! i think everybody is different. do you think you’ll share your experience w/ your kids as they get older?
April: thanks for sharing! that’s so brave of you to share the truth with your kids. i’m sure, in the long run, it was for the best. you’re right, they would have found out anyway.
theprisonersiwfe’s last blog post..You Are Not Alone
I’m not an expert on this by any means but I definitely think honesty is the best policy (in age appropriate terms of course). Many years ago, before I was married or had kids of my own, I dated a guy that had a 2 year old daughter. When he was locked up for possession, his mother and grandparents told the little girl that “Daddy is at work.” He was only in jail for a couple of weeks, but I ran into them one day and the great grandma mentioned to me that he was still “at work”…wink wink. The 2-year old put her hands on her hips and exclaimed “He is not at work…he’s in jail!” After a minute of stunned silence, her grandma asked her “Honey, do you know what jail is?” She thought for a minute and answered “I think it’s where Daddy works.” Little ones hear way more than we give them credit for so I always try to be honest with them even while keeping the explanations simple.
Wondermom’s last blog post..The post that shall remain nameless
my sonsfather in prison since he was 5 he is now 10 and asking alot of questions i agreed to recieve lettes but i take them out of the envelope i never told him the truth he will e devastated and not only thta but my son has a passion for fire fighters police and all other heros and i feel he lose that i am soo proud of him and i donnot know what to do any advice would be greatly appreciated he is gettign olut very soon thanks
My son’s father, who loves him but has been mostly absentee for our son’s almost-four years of life, is most likely about to go to prison because of his alcoholism. Because his father has hardly been around, my son probably won’t even notice most of the time. However, as he gets older, he’ll probably ask questions, in addition to the fact that I want to be truthful with him. I’m wondering what I’m going to do/say. I don’t even believe in our corrupt justice/prison system, so it’s hard to approach this the way that people with mainstream ideas tend to. It’s good to have this site here. I didn’t realize it existed until just now. It’s a great service for us single moms. Thank you!
Wren: We’re glad you found us, too. Please visit us often.