When your break up affects your kid
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Dating, Tips & Advice
When we recently heard about one single mom’s recent break up, we wanted to pick up the phone and call her.
We’ve been there.
Alicia at Choice Mom Choosing writes that one year ago she started dating a man named Rob. At the time, her son, Owen was 15 months old, and Rob was “the only male/father figure Owen has ever known.”
At first, Alicia seemed clear that their relationship “was purely sexual” — but soon, Rob was spending more and more time with mother and son. Confusing!
Over the months, Alicia writes that she couldn’t ignore the truth: Rob loved Owen, but he wasn’t in love with her. “His switch had been turned off somewhere along the way,” she writes, “and I was the 3rd wheel with him and Owen.”
Little by little, Alicia and Rob developed a platonic friendship: going out to eat, going to parks and playgrounds. She admits to feeling hopeful that maybe Rob’s feelings would change.
“Well, the whole thing finally came to a head when I saw Rob’s recently-posted online dating profile which proudly boasted a “Serious Dater” gold badge,” Alicia writes.
“He gave out his phone number in his ad! He used photos that I had taken of him! I knew I had no right to be upset or even surprised, but it still hurt and really brought it home to me that I was nothing more than a space-filler in his life right now until he meets his Ms. Right…”
Alicia concluded that she was “just delaying the inevitable heartbreak that would surely befall Owen.”
When Rob left town for a long trip, she decided to cut all ties and let him go. Alicia didn’t know what to say to Owen so she just blurted out the first thing that popped into head: Rob was “out of state.”
But Owen has not forgotten about Rob.
Alicia writes about a heartbreaking moment in Taco Bell, when “Owen blindsided me in between bites of his pintos and cheese when he shook his head and said, ‘Robbie no Taco Bell. Robbie out state.’ ”
Alicia is confronting an dilemma we’ve both experienced:
She wants a father figure for her little guy. And she wants to protect his heart from loss.
And she’s experiencing some confusion — and loss — of her own along the way.
Let’s pull together for this single mom.
What’s your advice for Alicia?
Clearly, she’s feeling a lot of heartbreak right now. Can you offer some advice for this fellow single mom?
Thanks to Alicia from Choice Mom Choosing for inspiring this post.
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I would recommend separating the two. My daughters have a couple of great positive male role models in their lives: one is my father, the other is my oldest daughter’s former principal. I could not ask for better figures in their lives, and I get to keep my personal life to myself!
April’s last blog post..Quick Update
I don’t know if this will help Alicia at all, but I thought I’d share what happened to me and how I handled it. My two sons were a little older than Alicia’s but I think I probably would have done basically the same thing.
I had been dating Steve for about 3 years when we broke up. And even though their father was still somewhat in the picture at the time, he wasn’t a consistant person in their lives. For my youngest, Steve was the only real father figure he had ever had. We had started dating when my youngest, Jack was 2, and my oldest Roger was 4.
The break up was not easy on me, but it was hard on my sons as well. They had both wanted Steve to become their dad. I felt that I had to tell them the truth because children don’t learn by what we tell them, they learn by what they see us doing. And I figured if they don’t see me handling a break up well, then how will they learn to handle a break up when they are older.
I told them that Steve and I had broken up and that we wouldn’t be seeing him anymore. I said that sometimes two people don’t stay together and that it’s sometimes no one’s fault. That its ok to be sad, because he was a good man, and we loved him. I told them that sometimes we have to let people go out of our lives and that we have to be glad for the good memories that we still have of them.
We cried together for a little while and hugged. Even now I’m crying for that memory. It was hard to explain to my little boys that someone who was a good person, who had become important to us wasn’t going to be around anymore. Steve was grateful for how I explained it to the boys too.
Funny thing is, not two years later, Steve and I got back together and we’ve been together ever since. That was almost 7 years ago.
Alicia,
It’s going to be hard, and your son may not be old enough to understand everything that you’re saying, but you still should tell him the truth. Put it in as simple terms as you can, but it’s always best to tell your children the truth about things. Young children understand a lot more than we sometimes think they do.
Hope this helps!
Christine’s last blog post..Social Studies Essay by Jack
I think the relationship is taking the natural course. Yes, Owen still remember Rob…but he will eventually forget. But the benefits of having a male role model at this tiime will still be there. When the time is right, maybe check into the Big Brothers program or maybe emphasize to male family members that you need help in this department. My brother-in-law is great with my daughter.
I believe in the idea that people come into our lives for a day, a season, or a lifetime. We take it for what it is and learn what we can for the time we are with them. I think the same is true for our children. When my daughter asks me what happened to a guy I was dating, I explain that things didn’t work out and he has moved on. It is harder with a smaller child to get the concept across but they will eventually forget, especially at that age.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
I’m blown away by all of your amazing advice here.
April: thank you so much for pointing out that there ARE good male role models out there, in brothers, grandpas, close male friends.
Chai Girl: The age of a child does make a difference when it comes to saying “good bye,” doesn’t it?
I’d love to hear what the rest of you have to say!
Christine: What a story! I appreciate this: “…sometimes two people don’t stay together and that it’s sometimes no one’s fault… it’s ok to be sad, because he was a good man, and we loved him.”
I totally agree. You never know how relationships are going to work out. Best to cultivate a male friend or relative as an involved figure in your son’s life.
I am VERY cautious about letting someone meet my son. I won’t let that happen until I’m in a committed relationship.
I’m so sorry to hear how this all worked out, I’m sure its heartbreaking for you and your son! Take care…
Jennifer Wilde’s last blog post..The failed experiment, part I
So much amazing advice!
I agree that finding “permanent” role models for our kids instead of relying on a romantic partner, who may not consistently be a part of our lives, is the better option.
It’s important to remember that a role model doesn’t have to be “everything” to your child. Kids who grow up without a consistent parental role model often become wondrous “patchwork quilts” created from the very best of the many people who have been important in their lives. When we see someone doing something or acting in a way we hope our kids will emulate–say so! Tell your kids how much you admire that person and why. This is a simple addition to our daily parenting routine, which will pay big dividends. And the toddler years are a great time to start.
I think it is important to set some boundaries in personal relationships and child role models.
My personal preference is that my daughter not really meet or interact with someone that I’m dating until we are going somewhere.
There is truth that role models come and go. One of the most amazing people in my life was my 9th grade English teacher… She was only in my life for a year, but made an impact that lasted a lifetime.
My advice:
Date for YOU. You need the romantic attention, affection and closeness.
Choose other, more stable role models for your son.
Good luck!
Cyndee Woolley’s last blog post..May 31, Donate to Single Parent Home
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Thing is; when you are involved with someone there’s really no way to make “another male role model” more of an influence in your kids’ lives than the man YOU are spending so much time with.
Breakups happen and it’s all part of being a single mom. I started dating a guy when my daughter was 17 months old and we were together (on and off) for two years. Her bio-dad is rarely in the picture so my bfriend was her “dude”. She’s 3 and 1/2 now and she talks about him from time-to-time (more than her bio-dad) but it’s just kind of a natural “phasing out” process. It’s sad but there’s not much else we can do as single moms looking for someone to share our lives with.
MindyMom’s last blog post..Why Does Life Have to be so Hard?
Twitter @ http://www.ptlawmom.com
This sucks. I feel for us all as single moms!!!
This is so hard. I dated someone for about 6 months right after my divorce when I was reeling. I thought my son was okay when we broke up. We talked about the fact that Blue Eyes and I aren’t spending time together anymore but that Brian didn’t do anything and that he enjoyed their time together. He seemed fine. But out of the blue he asked if Blue Eyes remembered him. And now that he has met my new guy (after several months of dating), he’s calling him by Blue Eyes’ name. ugh. My poor baby.
PT-LawMom’s last blog post..Passive-Aggressive Hell
Wow! Thank you to all of you awesome single moms and commentators! And thanks to you Rachel for posing this question to your readership.
I KNOW having the male perspective, influence, presence, etc. is soooooo important for Owen’s social and moral and emotional development (especially since he lives in a house with 3 women).
I like chai-girl’s tips. I will start asking my 2 male relatives for help (I’ll have to start making the effort to make Owen more of a presence in THEIR lives!) and I’ll definitely look into the Big Brothers program too!
Dr. Leah absolutely hit the nail on the head. I cannot rely on a romantic partner to be a father figure or even a consistent presence in Owen’s life.
Tricky, because I agree with MindyMom that its really difficult to make “another male role model” more of an influence in our kids’ lives than the men we spend so much time with in a relationship…
Which is why right now – since I’m unattached as can be – is the perfect time to start my man-hunt for a few good men to be permanent fixtures in Owen’s life. Well, as permanent as possible.
I’m relieved to hear that all of your kids got through it; maybe their heartstrings were pulled but no one has mentioned post-traumatic stress syndrome resulting from breakups, thankfully! So too Owen will survive.
Thanks a zillion to you gals!