Whose last name do your kids have?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Kids, Single Moms
Your children’s last name. A last name is more than just a legacy — it carries much weight when it comes to relationships and family.
When Rachel at Single Mom Seeking gave birth, she did the traditional thing and gave her baby Dad’s last name. But after he and Rachel split up — and he went abroad — it seemed odd to that she and her child had different last names.
So, before kindergarten rolled around, she thought long and hard about legally changing her child’s last name.
Dr. Leah kept her married name even after her kids’ father split for good. She wanted to change her own name back to her birth name but, ultimately, decided against it.
The same last name as her kids meant much less explaining, especially at school. She thought also about changing her kids’ names to her birth name. However, her son, Andy, had already mastered spelling and printing “Klungness” (no small task in kindergarten), so changing his last name would have been a “big deal” for him.
Sometimes small things like that sort of make the choice for you, don’t you think?
Whose last name do your kid’s have? Yours? His? Or, did you hyphenate?
We’ve heard many strong opinions on this one.
For single moms by choice, we imagine that this decision is a no-brainer.
Many single mom celebrities have set a precedent by giving their babies their own last name on the birth certificate — such as actress Bridget Moynahan (below) mom to John Edward Thomas Moynahan. (The father is NFL star Tom Brady.)
Some parents, however, say that if their child is a boy, he should have his father’s name — but a girl should have her mother’s. Moreover, changing your child’s last name post-divorce must be a weighted decision.
Do your children have your last name? Why? Why not?
Photo: PRPhotos
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My son has always had my surname because his father mysteriously vanished when I announced I was going ahead with my pregnancy. That said, even if I was all coupled up, there’s no way I’d give my child the father’s surname: Surely if it is going to have someone’s surname it should be the person who carried around for 9 months and went through the agony of childbirth, rather than the side that just had an orgasm. I find the idea of women adopting their hsband’s surnames rather absurd and archaic. And I am not a big raving feminist!
Emily’s last blog post..Still Loving, but Not Really Liking.
Twitter @ TheMooksMum
The Mook has my last name. The long version of the story is here: http://badmummynocookie.com/2009/03/31/is-there-anything-more-tedious-than-dealing-with-the-government/
I’m happy to say she now has the proper health card.
Twitter @ http://pigeonsandplatypi.blogspot.com
My son has his father’s last name, which admittedly has turned out to be annoying when I get called by that name at the doctor’s office or wherever I go with my son.
It was important to my son’s father that the last name be his; I think he would have been really hurt if it hadn’t been. I was on the fence about it, so it’s his name.
Now I wish it were mine, though.
Allison’s last blog post..En vacances
Twitter @ http://pigeonsandplatypi.blogspot.com
And I really don’t like hyphenated last names…it just seems like too much of a mouthful. To each their own, I guess.
Allison’s last blog post..En vacances
Twitter @ spingleparenttvl
My kiddos have my name as I am very much in the picture in their lives.
My issue is that my ex wife is playing name roulette–when we divorced, changed it to her maiden name, and then remarried less than two years after our divorce and took his name, and now is divorcing again and just switched back to MY last name again. She claims it is all in the interest of the kids–to make it easier on them–hello, can you explain that logic to me!
John F’s last blog post..Yes, A New Look
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
This was a real issue for me when I found myself unexpectedly preganant with my fourth child through a post divorce relationship. My three older kids and I all shared the same last name; that of my ex husband. The father of my unborn child did not want me to use his last name (jerk) but I felt weird about giving her my ex’s (and my) name. When it came down to it though, my last name had been mine for 14 years by that time and the same as my other 3 kids. I have no relationship with my own father and didn’t want to use my maiden name so my current name was the only other option. And it is MY name now. I also felt that making my new daughter “one of us” was the right thing, especially with an absent father. No regrets.
MindyMom’s last blog post..MindyMeme
My son has my last name. My ex left the picture during the pregnancy and I went back to my maiden name before the birth. I do 100% of the work and provide 100% of the financial support, so my case might be a bit more clear cut than most.
Cat’s last blog post..Cosleeping
My son has my last name. It was a no-brainer for me for two reasons. One–his genetic donor had no interest whatsoever in me or my pregnancy and resulting child. And two, my dad’s line would have ended with no male to pass on the name.
So my son will carry on the name of the only Daddy he’s to-date known, my own Daddy.
Ashley’s last blog post..It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere
My ex agreed in the divorce to let my daughter go to my maiden last name. So we were both going to have my last name but she said she doesn’t want to change her name. I tried for months. She likes her last name just the way it is. So well for no other reason then me being ocd’ish I want to have the same last name as my daughter so I have yet to change back to my maiden last name. For me it isn’t that big of a deal I don’t have a attachment to a name. We could have the last name Doe and I wouldn’t care as long as we had the same last name. Yeah again I don’t have any logic behind why it is just the way I feel.
Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
Both of my children have my last name.
I sometimes wonder about my daughter, who is 10, lives in another province, and has two younger sisters who have their father’s last name (i.e. my ex’s husband). But she’s got my name and seems proud of it…so that makes me feel pretty awesome.
My son was born when I was still married, so even though my ex-wife didn’t take my last name (was that a sign?), my son did and I’m extremely happy about that.
If I wasn’t in their lives, I could understand them having their moms’ names. But I am…and I love that they have my name.
Canadian Bald Guy’s last blog post..So They Think They Can Dance?
I have four kids; three are in their twenties and LE is 13. All have my last name (Morris) save my 23 y.o. step-son whose name is Martinez (his father’s name). It was never an issue with him having a different name. He was 3 when he came to live with me and there was no need to change it.
On an interesting note, two years ago when he stood up to speak at my parent’s 55th wedding anniversary dinner, he said the following:
“Granny and Papa- without you two in my life, I wouldn’t be here today. You’ve always loved me like I was your own grandchild and because of that I can say without hesitation, I am a Morris. I am a Morris.”
Solo-Dad’s last blog post..Frequent Moves Can Increase Suicide in Teens
I had argument after argument when I was pregnant about my baby’s last name. I really wanted to be married and the person I was with (for 5 years at the time) which is venomously refused. I simply told him that if it came out of my vagina, it will have my last name – he did however have major influence on what that last name was. My daughter now has my last name and me and her father are no longer together.
Lisa’s last blog post..I Am A Better Mommy Than You
We’re humbled and inspired by all these special family stories.
We feel the pride expressed that each of your decisions was right for your kids and you.
Personally, I got very emotional reading your comments. Both my kids have told me that our last name belongs to us and has nothing really to do with their dad. Just a statement of fact expressed without tears or drama.
Their “peace” with the name issue let me know I made the right choice. Each of you has that same “peace”. We’re so fortunate!
My DD has my last name as her middle name and her dad’s last name.
I had intended to do as a married friend which is girls get mom’s name and boys get dad’s name however her dad was shakey with being a dad and I thought it would help him connect..BIG MISTAKE.
We went to court last year to have her named changed. The judge denied her because she had not tried to reach her dad and tell him even though it had been 5 years since he had seen her. She was honest with the judge and said she had his email address.
Cool topic!!!!
Well, yes, for me as a Choice Mom, it was a no-brainer that my son would have my last name. BUT, what’s so weird to me is that I kept my ex-husband’s last name (we divorced 8 years ago!) because I liked it so much more than my maiden name. So, me and my son both have the same last name – that of a man who neither of us has anything to do with at all!!!!
Alicia’s last blog post..Meme.. Meem? Me Me? Meeeeeeeeeem!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemamanyc.com
I’ve been single since I was 2 1/2 months pregnant, so I had quite a bit of time to ponder this. In the end, I chose to hyphenate my son’s name: My Last Name-Father’s Last Name. I am just the slightest bit traditional so I wanted him to have his father’s last name, but it was very important for me that my son have my last name as well. Plus, when he went to school I didn’t want to be referred to by his father’s last name as Mrs. XYZ. Ugh! Lol.
Single Mama NYC’s last blog post..Blog Name Change – Single Mama NYC
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
They have their dad’s last name. It was my concession when I had them, since I never took his name. After the divorce was final, I wanted to change their last name to mine, but never had the money. Now, since I’m writing more with my real name, I’m glad that my children can’t be traced through the web because no one knows his last name.
April’s last blog post..My X is a prick
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
When my son was born, I was married to his father and had taken his last name, so it was a no brainer that my son would have his father’s last name.
When we divorced, I went back to my maiden name. To be perfectly honest, I never liked having someone else’s last name and was relieved to have MY name back. Plus, my dad had recently died, and it felt good to be named after him again.
A lot of people expected that if I was changing my name, I would also be changing my son’s. But that didn’t make any sense to me since his dad was still in the picture. I was divorcing him, but my son wasn’t!
I grew up with a different last name than my mom and it never caused any problems, so I wasn’t too worried about it with my son. It’s been 6 years since I went back to my maiden name, and no issues or confusion.
I wonder if location plays into anyone’s decision. I live in an area where it’s very common for women to not take their husband’s name, so it’s not uncommon for mom and child (or father and child, depending on the situation) to have different last names, even within a married household. My son also has several classmates with gay parents and different last names. So… names are pretty much all over the place around here, and there aren’t a whole lot of assumptions being made about anyone. But maybe that’s different in different areas.
Martini Mom’s last blog post..Cue the violins
My son has his father’s last name, but he carries two middle names the second of which is my last name. For me, there was never a question about whether he would have his father’s last name. I was fine with that. But, I wanted him and any other children I have, regardless of my marital status, to also carry their mother’s last name. So, the second middle name worked for us.
Ack. I’m still struggling with this. My son and I still have my ex’s last name, and I HATE it. Think of the most common name in the US, and that’s us — causes problems sometimes. Plus my maiden name is ethnic and hard to spell/pronounce, but I LOVE it.
Problem is, my son has autism and change is bad. I talked with him about me having a different last name, and he said no way — we should have the same last name. I’ve considered going back and hyphenating his name (or mine), but I’m going to see if he will be more flexible with time.
His dad is not in the picture much.
I’m also a teacher, and kids have a hard time with my maiden name. I’ve also been teaching in my district for 8 years, so it would be a major change.
Ugh! I want my old name back!
My daughter has my last name. Her father left me when I was 6 months pregnant and, in my opinion, he forfeited all rights when it came to last name and religious belief (2 biggies to me). If he had stayed, her having his last name would have been contingent on support from him. I would have tried for a hyphenated name at the least.
My daughter has both of our last names but I’ve been thinking about having his last name removed due to we aren’t together, he doesn’t help in anyway and also I don’t want her to be confused.
My sons have my last name, as does my ex, if she wants to change hers, so be it. But for the boys they are our children , not just hers, they were born when we all had the same last name, why change, I am still their father, I didn’t end my relationship with them, just their mother.
I gave my daughter my last name. I was not with her father and all signs pointed to me ending up a single mom. Good call on my part, and no regrets! Having the same last name makes travelling with her 10x easier.
Ptise’s last blog post..A Spending Shame
I just found this website, I love it…
I have five children. Three from my marriage. The youngest are twins from a one night stand that occured during the divorce process. They were born before finalization.
We all have my ex-husband’s last name. I never liked my maiden name and was glad to be rid of it, no one could ever spell much less pronounce it. When it came time to decide to change or not change, it was an easy choice.
My younger two have no father declared on the birth certificate, so they received my current last name, ironically my ex-husband’s. He doesn’t throw a fit that I gave them “his” name.
@Nayeli We’re so glad you found us. Welcome! Please visit us often.
My kiddos have my name as I am very much in the picture in their lives.
My issue is that my ex wife is playing name roulette–when we divorced, changed it to her maiden name, and then remarried less than two years after our divorce and took his name, and now is divorcing again and just switched back to MY last name again. She claims it is all in the interest of the kids–to make it easier on them–hello, can you explain that logic to me!
I need help… This isn’t explaining logic but I don’t know what to do…
When my ex and I divorced, I kept his last name, and when I remarried I took my new (soon to be ex husbands) last name. I don’t know what to do … I hated having a different last name than my son. My son wants me to have the same last name as him and it makes sense for me to do that but I don’t want my 1st ex to think I want or need his last name for anything other than my son and how much easier it is for us to have the same last name… thoughts?
Heather: Do what makes your son comfortable and what feels right to you. Your ex is welcome to his opinions and interpretations but these should not sway your decision one way or the other. Anyone else have any thoughts?
I had a very traditional upbringing so I gave my daughter her father’s last name (which was actually his mother’s maiden name). As time went on it got to be a problem with the daycare, the doctor’s offices, mail, etc. I was allowed by the court to add my last name in a hyphen.
I feel this is a bit annoying, but when my daughter is legally old enough she can choose what she prefers. Currently she drops his name at school and the hyphen is only used for legal purposes.
If I get married I will most likely keep my maiden name or hyphenate. It will depend on the timing, what his name is (ha ha) and what the circumstance is at the time. I’m not going to spend time worrying about it that’s for sure.
There are so many different kinds of families now that I don’t think it needs to be something we worry about. As long as our kids have a sense of family their last name could be “whatchamacallit” and they’ll be just fine.
I kept my maiden name when i got married. I like my name better than his – mine is easy to spell – a strong english name. His is one of those butchered-on-Ellis Island last names that you have to spell every time you say it.
Anyway, I recently found out I am pregnant. My husband agreed that if it’s twins (had IVF – two embies – will know soon enough how many heart beats) that we would give one child my name and one child his. Even if it’s a singleton, hubby said we could give the first my last name and then the second his.
I think this is a great compromise but I worry about the backlash from our traditional families. Have any of you done this?
Mandy
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
Wow, Mandy, what an incredibly creative idea! I’ve never heard of this. I’m so curious if other parents have done this!
I’m also so curious: how will you decide which twin gets whose name?
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
In response to Mandy’s comment: I worked with a couple who did this. They had triplets and gave them each a different last name: one took the mother’s; one took the fathers. I can’t remember now what the 3rd was, but it was another family name. I don’t live in a particularly traditional part of the country, but there was no backlash that I’m aware of. Instead, people seemed to think of it as a lovely and creative idea.
My son has my exhusband’s last name, and my boyfriend has two daughter’s with his last name. If we ever have a child together, I would very much like it to have my name. We’ll see if that happens when and if the time comes. But this is one of many areas where I don’t feel compelled to follow tradition for tradition’s sake.
Being a feminist, but still a traditionalist, I retained my last name after marriage-much to the consternation of my now ex (I even hate to say the word) husband. The children all carry his name. I order to file for their dual citizenship, I had to use my maiden name anyways. When the ex and I parted ways, and I had to bring the kids back to the country of my birth, I hyphenated. My 6 year old says that when he is with his dad overseas he has his name, and when he is with me he has my last name. The kids don’t seem to much perturbed by the situation. I just have to explain to the teachers that my kids will use the twp last names interchangeably. I do plan to give them a choice when they are of age to officially change their names if they so prefer.
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@IceQueen: What a creative idea your son has, to use each parent’s name when he’s with you/his Dad. Yes, it seems like school is what really complicates matters when it comes to using a child’s “official” name. Thanks.
my son has my last name his father not even on the birth certificate and he seems proud he has 5 aunts 2 married and they have the same last name so i think i did the right thing he doesn;t know his fathers last name
My daughter has her father’s last name. I had absolutely no issues with giving her his last name even though he and aren’t together. Nor was he particularly stubborn about her having his last name or mine foe that matter. I gae her his last name mainly for the reason that my last name is Tkaczuk (pronounced – Kachucke), where as his is Welsh…much nicer… I don’t feel any stress over her last name, she is still my child and still holds my DNA, and I am still her mother no matter what name she holds. I also believe that was why her dad was not perturbed by the decision. Also he is greatly involved in her life and mine even though we are not a couple. He is her father…..names prove nothing to me of who she “belongs” to; she will make those family bonds on her own…she belongs to both families…completely and utterly!!!
I was adopted as an adult and kept my Father’s name, I didn’t change it to my adopted dad’s name…..13 years later when I adopted as a single mom, I gave my son his grandfather’s(my adopted dad) last name, out of respect and because my last name raises a lot of questions regarding heritage ( which was always a bit uncomfortable growing up). Recently my 9 year old has stated that he wants his middle name to be his first and my last name to be his middle name – which is sweet, but i love his first name!
I was married to my girls father. So we all still have his last name. I kept the last name for the reason of my girls having the name, less explaining. I don’t know what I will do when/and if I get remarried. I know my ex will not allow me to change thier names. But I have girls. So either way, they marry and it changes….no big deal to me.
I need some advice. I am having a daughter in 6 weeks. Me and the father are not together. I do believe in putting him on the birth certificate but I want my daughter to have the same last name as me and my son. I know that my family will disapprove of my decision to give my daughter my surname. Am I doing the right thing by her?
Hey everyone,
This is my 1st post as I’m new to this site.
My 18mth old daughter has my surname. I was single from 3mths pregnant but her father is still interested (now!). He had no issue with her having my surname when I was pregnant, it was never discussed. He just assumed she would have my name and he was right! I don’t know how he feels about it now that he has decided to be in her life.
But I have always said I would keep my surname if I ever married and my kids would have my name too. I still feel that way.
It is very uncommon in rural Australia to do this and not many of my friends support my choice or understand it! But I’ve felt this way my whole life. I’ve never seen the logic of changing my name if I was to marry. Becoming a man’s property, branded as belonging to him from that day forth as well as your children. WE do the work, why do they get the credit? But that’s just me and my 2cents!
Hi Jennifer,
My advice is to do what makes YOU feel happy and comfortable. Not base your choice of surname on the approval of your family. They’ll get over it in a few months but would you be over it in a few months if you caved to pressure?
Amy: Welcome! Please visit us often.
Great topic! My child’s dad is still furious at me because I gave our baby my surname, which happens to be my married name from my previous marriage. I divorced about two years ago and decided to keep my married name because I can’t stand my maiden name. So that’s my name and I think my child should have my name. Even though the dad is very much in our baby’s life and we have equal custody, we never got married and we aren’t together anymore. We live about six blocks apart. He wanted to get married when I was pregnant but he was really harassing me about it and I finally said forget it because it was stressing me out. Don’t get me wrong. He’s a great dad, but he has real control issues and thinks it’s crazy for our baby to have my married name instead of his name. But like I keep telling him, it’s MY name now. I don’t know if this is jealousy or what. Co-parenting is hard enough without this extra headache. I don’t have any other kids but if I do, I will want them all to have the same surname. Even if I get married again, I plan to keep the surname I use now. At first he was making me doubt myself, but now I feel sure this was the right thing to do.
I have a similar problem, although I do not share the same situation with most of you. I am very happily married, and we are expecting a daughter in a few months. I kept my maiden name. Btw, Canadian Bald Guy, I am a little upset that you implied your ex-wife’s decision to keep her name was somehow indicative of her feelings for you or the quality of your relationship. I deeply love and respect my husband, and he deeply loves and respects me, which is why he would never expect or want me to change the identity I’ve had my whole life. Anyway, I know that she should and will have her father’s last name, but I would like for mine to be a part of her’s as well. However, as someone mentioned above, hyphenation can be a bit clunky and overwhelming. And my last name is definitely not short. I’ve seen how some of you suggest a daughter having the mom’s last name and a son the dad’s, but I don’t think I would want my kids to have different last names and we are only planning on one child anyway. Do you guys think the convenience of sharing a name with my child outways the inconvenience of a very long last name?
*Outweighs*
Jamie: Thanks for joining the conversation. Very interesting perspective! My last name is a “challenge”, too . . . hear you!