Are your kids dating, but you’re not?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Parents, Tips & Advice
A single mom recently shared this difficult dilemma with us. She went onto say: “Instead of feeling proud and happy that my little girl is growing up, I’m resentful. I find fault with every boy she mentions. And I criticize her relentlessly.”
She also admits to checking in on her daughter’s Facebook, way too frequently.
This mother wants to know: “Do my feelings have something to do with my current dating drought?”
Likely, yes. We all have mixed feelings when our kids start a new phase of their lives. Feeling a bit of resentment — and even jealousy — is normal. Your daughter has more options than you do, so no doubt you feel enviable.
Good for you for acknowledging these feelings.
Here’s the next big step:
Make sure that your own feelings don’t get in the way of your relationship with your daughter. They can cloud your vision when it comes to helping her navigate the treacherous teenage social scene. Here’s why: Your daughter needs your guidance and support. If she doesn’t get this support at home, she’ll seek help elsewhere. And this “help” may be nothing more than shared ignorance.
Happiness for a single parent requires effort. We all have some life choices that we regret. But having “grown-up activities” planned will help quell those feelings stirred up by your daughter’s burgeoning social life. Chances are you wouldn’t want to be a teenager again. No one wants to relive the rejection and uncertainty of adolescence. So, how can you get back out there — in a new way?
What have you planned lately for a bit of grown up fun? How about starting with a night out with your girlfriend posse? Maybe it’s time to try online dating? Or to give speed dating a try? It’s time to say “YES!” the next time someone offers to fix you up.
So, tell us: Are your kids dating?
Has their dating caused unexpected — or uncomfortable — feelings?
How have you coped with this double whammy parenting challenge?
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When my DD reached middle school I had an A-HA moment when it struck me that I was home on Friday nights and she was out.
What’s wrong with that picture?!?!
She was not dating but out with friends or involved in activities with some overnight retreats.
That’s when I realized that my sacrificing choices to be home with her in the evenings were over.
She liked it when I started to go out. She liked being home alone at times and also enjoyed not feeling pressured because I was home waiting for her.
She still is not dating but is involved which reminds me to stay involved and busy with my peers.
Twitter @ http://crazycomputerdad.blogspot.com
My son isn’t allowed to date until he is 25. Yes, I am in denial and I’m quite happy there. Please don’t ruin it for me.
He is 12, sixth grade, and did ask a girl to a dance this year. I’m kind of hoping that he retains his innocence a bit longer and that somehow I can successfully encourage him to keep coming to me with questions. Right now he just seems too embarrassed about the whole thing so I don’t encourage or discourage.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@CCD: So, did this girl accept? So curious!
@Judy: Love this observation… “She liked it when I started to go out.” Interesting, yes?
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Like Judy, my kids like it when I go out. They are much happier to see me have a social life – and even date – than see me sit at home alone.
My oldest daughter is 18 and she’s had a few boyfriends. It’s great to be able to talk to her like a girlfriend – but also as a mother -about *men* and the things they do.
I never really thought that at 10 my son would really think about the whole ‘mommy dating/going out’ thing but he does! I’ll never forgot the pure shock that tore through me when out of the blue he says to me “mom will you ever start dating and going out again instead of sitting home all the time”? That was my little ‘nudge’ to get back into not just the dating scene but the social scene. I still sit home but not nearly as frequently as before! LOL
I think if a parent is jealous of a child’s social life, there needs to be attention paid to something other than dating.
There is no comparison to kids – even teens – having a social life and the choices an adult single parents makes in determining dates or outings with friends. It’s absurd to think one thing has anything to do with the other, at least for me.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Amy Sue Nathan: Very perceptive! And so true: “I think if a parent is jealous of a child’s social life, there needs to be attention paid to something other than dating.”
Thank you.
My advice: It’s important for your teen to see you don’t always “have to be” in a relationship to be happy. Does your mood and thoughts and actions and words communicate this message? If not they will think they always need to find the next guy or girl to make their life complete. The truth is its our personal responsibility to make our life complete, not someone else’s. No person (or relationship) deserves that sorta pressure. Because (likely) your 14 year old won’t date that person for the rest of their life, and when it ends…things will be LESS difficult knowing it’s 1+1=2. Not 0.5+0.5= 2.
Great article!
Josh Shipp AKA Hey Josh
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Helping teens get it, Helping those who care about teens get through to them.
Thanks, Josh. Other people do not make your life complete. What a valuable lesson to pass along to our kids!
I wish some of these posts would acknowledge that some of us just cannot get dates. I live in a remote part of the country where single guys anywhere near my age are an endangered species.
No-one wants to date someone who lives 100 miles away – no matter how well-adjusted/slender/funny etc. I may be. And the kids love living here – their social lives are great!