Saying goodbye
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Dads, Tips & Advice
Rachel at Single Mom Seeking recently called me for some advice about sending off her daughter at the airport for her first mother-free trip — and I gladly gave her some suggestions here.
Saying goodbye is something that parents need to learn how to do — over and over. Whether it’s the first day of school, camp, college… or their own grown up adventures. Kids DO leave us.
Coincidentally, as Rachel is saying good bye at the airport, Solo Dad is sending off his 25-year-old daughter and her husband to Alaska.
These are different goodbyes for sure, and we wonder how you’ve handled saying goodbye to your children.
Solo Dad is very close to his daughter and his son-in-law. And get this: his daughter is six months pregnant with a little girl — his first grandchild!
“I’m just as happy for her as I could possibly be for them — and for me!” he says. ” I can’t wait to hold my granddaughter for the first time.”
A deployment change, however, is taking his daughter to Alaska: “They’re leaving next Tuesday, and we’re attending a farewell BBQ at her mother’s home on Sunday. It’s no big deal because we get together as often as family events dictate. My older sons and my parents and my former in-laws will be there, too. So, there will be lots of family around.”
But here’s what Solo Dad is worried about: “I really don’t know how to say goodbye.”
“I know it’s not a final goodbye, but I’ve become very emotional lately,” he adds. “I’ve been thinking about when she was my little girl and I was the center of her world, and about the sweet times as I’ve watched her grow into a vibrant, confident young woman whom I walked down the aisle at her wedding.”
“I want to be strong, but I know won’t be as I say goodbye to her.
- Am I normal?
- Is it male menopause?
- Am I just being a hopelessly emotional dad?”
~~~
Here’s what Dr. Leah, aka The Sanity Fairy, suggests:
Show your feelings at the BBQ. Your tears will not diminish your daughter’s confidence, confuse her, or worry her.
As much as this “good-bye” will be emotionally wrenching, these genuine feelings tell your daughter how much you love her. Your daughter already knows that she can manage things. You’ve given her all the right tools.
Of course, you’ve told her how thrilled you are that her life is unfolding in such a joyous way. When someone lights your heart, it’s rather disingenuous if “good-bye” is a few jaunty words and a quick hug.
Here’s something I hope you do: give your daughter a letter in which you say the things that won’t come out at the BBQ exactly as you wanted to say them. No one has ever cherished an e-mail. Give her something to read (and re-read) and to share with her own daughter in the years to come.
Are any of you getting ready to say good-bye? Maybe it’s your child’s first day of kindergarten? Or maybe your teen is going off to college?
While writing this post, we read about another single mom who’s getting ready to do just that — send her oldest son off to college. If you’re in that place, you’ve got to read this beautiful post by Daily Plate of Crazy.
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Twitter @ http://badmummynocookie.com
I’m not sure ‘good-bye’ isn’t the best term in both of these cases.
I find it more reassuring to offer a ‘see you soon’.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
That’s a great point @bad mummy!
The word “goodbye” DOES have a heavy feeling, doesn’t it?
And the truth is, I will be saying, “See you soon!” (I imagine that Solo Dad will be saying the same?)
Thanks so much.
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
Oh this is hard. And I suspect this is at the root of whay I’ve not let the children go off to sleep away camp….I can’t let them go. Uuggh. I believe I have more time to prepare for their “growing up” I think they still need me in every way and they don’t….sigh.
I am listening to your advices and I am seriously discerning this post..OY! LOL!
Twitter @ MommyReporter
This is my first visit to your blog and I am very impressed with the informative articles. Lots of good information and very helpful advice. Keep up the great work, I’ll be back!!
As a daughter who has done a lot of leaving, you need to understand that it is definitely a completely different experience for the person leaving than the leavee. The leaver is looking forward to a fabulous adventure and new people and ideas. They are looking forward to what is to come while you are are trying to hold on to what has been. You know you have to let them go but it is with a sense of loss instead of the anticipation of what is to come.
I have to remember that when I send my daughter off to camp, to her Dad’s, or even Grandma’s. I try to have a list of activities that I can look forward to…like going to dinner with friends I don’t get to see often. I felt so decadent the other day when I went to the gym after work, had a workout, ate in the cafe afterwards then went to the hot tub for a while. I didn’t get home until 10 p.m. I crawled into bed and slept like a rock. I could only do this because I knew my daughter was having fun at Grandma’s learning how to make a quilt.
For the mom who can’t send her kids to camp, you say you want more time to prepare them for growing up but sending them to camp provides valuable experiences for them to practice what you have taught them. It is better for them to practice it in that safe environment then to wait for college when there aren’t caring adults looking out for them 24-7. The conversations with my daughter the weeks after camp or vacations with her father are usually the best…and the worst. She brings up issues and questions that I wouldn’t have thought about but it allows us to talk about them.
The last time she came home with “You don’t know how to show me love!” because I didn’t want her sitting in my lap reading my email or because I didn’t want to sit and watch The Simpsons (I hate the Simpsons!) the minute I walked in the front door. We were able to talk about how people show love and just because I’m not like her dad (who doesn’t work and is a playmate who doesn’t do much of anything besides sit with her and watch cartoons) doesn’t mean I don’t show her love. I just do it in different ways…taking her to plays, throwing birthday parties, fixing her favorite dinner, teaching her how to cook, teaching her how to sew, etc. I know she won’t get it now, but when she was little her favorite food was scrambled eggs. I hate cooking eggs and the smell just disgusts me…but I made her scrambled eggs for years until she outgrew it. I told her that is how I show her love. She seemed to get it…for now. It was a good ongoing conversation for about a week that wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t spent two weeks with her father.
So, don’t look at it as goodbye, but just a different chapter. The leavee needs to plan stuff to look forward to as well. Solo Dad can plan a trip to Alaska to see his new granddaughter (Alaska is fabulous in the winter and summer!). Or, give her a webcam/video setup so he can keep in touch. Rachel can plan special things with her friends or plan a surprise…one time I did a surprise makeover on my daughter’s room while she was gone.
Dr. Leah, Rachel and other single moms who chimed in with their advice for me: A sincere ‘Thank You’ from the heart.
I did say goodbye to my daughter as planned and despite all my fatherly doubts, she and her husband arrived safely in Alaska after a 7 day drive in a U Haul truck.
Bidding farewell wasn’t easy. It was definitely harder than walking her down the aisle. But it was a beautiful moment nonetheless.
I have a post on Solo-Dad that shares our farewell. It’s here: http://solo-dad.com/saying-goodbye