Do you ever stop being a single mom?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Relationships, Single Moms
Your responses were fascinating — and we’d love to continue the conversation here. In fact, you might have heard the recent news about this one single mom we greatly admire: Kristin, the single mom blogger at Work It Mom who also has a huge following at her own blog, Better Now.
Well, Kristin has just announced that she stepping down from her columnist position. Why?…Because she’s hinted that she’s moving in with her super helpful boyfriend (“….our living arrangements are going to be shifting. And no, I don’t think it’s too soon. When you know, you know. It’s ridiculous and cliched and totally true.”)
And, as she adds: “It’s hard to write a column about single parenting when you’re not single.”
So, we’d love to know :
Does your “single mom” identity change after you’re in committed relationship?
And, if so, when?
Do you still feel like a single mom after you move in together — or when start splitting finances? Is that when everything changes?
Or, maybe it’s not appropriate to call yourself a “single mom” after you get married?
Maybe Alicia from Choice Mom Choosing nailed it: “[Singlemommyhood] is not a permanent identity marker. It is a fluid state, as we, as people, move in and out of relationships and seek our true selves. We’re all social creatures, just doing what we do… No one can deny the power of love.”
What’s true for you?
Will a part of your identity forever remain “single mom” no matter where love may lead you?
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Twitter @ http://goingsaneinacrazyworld.blogspot.com/
Personally I don’t think you stop being you. You may not be single anymore, but life’s little bumps still come up and giving up something that helped you I never understand. I see it a lot with my singles group. As soon as someone finds someone they’re gone. You can still be part of that life that made you. No offense it helped make you the person you are that attracted this person in the first place. To give it up seems silly to me.
Mike´s last blog ..Dating
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
I have been a single mom for 13 years- even when I was in a relationship, it was still 99% me as single mom. I think you always are single, as to your relationship with you child.
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra $1250 to pay towards debt !!!
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
I was just reading Alaina’s (Ms. Single Mama) blog post today. She was sort of exploring this same topic. It sounds like many of us will hold on to our single parenthood fondly, remembering the adventures despite the difficulties. And perhaps, we’ll still want that alone time with our children, as we have it now, even after becoming a couple.
I’m not anywhere near moving in with anyone but yeah, I can see this to be true.
T´s last blog ..Honesty? Honestly?!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Thanks @T! Yes, it’s amazing how many single parent bloggers are thinking about this right now.
@Mike and @Single Mom Paying Off Debt: Thanks for chiming in about the fact that your single parent identity just might always be a part of who you are, especially when it comes to your child. I wonder how remarried single parents describe themselves? “I’m a former single parent…” We’re curious.
Twitter @ http://www.solomother.com
If ever I find the One, I will step down at Solomother. I might start writing a blog about blending families and step parents, but I won’t presume to speak for the community anymore. I’ll just be the biggest fan on the sidelines, cheering everybody on to whatever their hearts desire!
Solomother´s last blog ..Dr. Leah weighs on on talking about ‘Daddy’
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
As a single mom who plans on staying single, I have to say that coupled single parent blogs that claim to be for single parents are not that relevant to me. I agree that there are entirely different problems as members of a blended family, but when I’m seeking out single parent blogs, I’m looking for truly single parents like me.
April´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up (latest obsessions edition)
Paying-Off-Debt I so agree! Its like whatever happens I always feel I’m singularly responsible for my daughter – which frankly keeps me grounded – and is a good thing.
Lets face it, I go for long months on end without a date (ok, I go for a whole year without a date) and then my hormones are so all over the place I imagine him to be the prince eric to my ariel, even if he really behaves like a frog.
The fact that I know ‘tomorrow morning i have to feed cereal to my daughter and listen to all her stories of all she got us tp with her nana, ‘ just keeps me from slipping into disney-princess-mode without salvation.
And anyway I truly can’t imagine anyone getting between me and my child. This September we’re travelling overseas just me and her, and this special relationship is just too special.
Its so special i can’t compromise on it, so its me and my kid that is ingrained in my head.
Twitter @ singledadlife
This is one of the reasons I prefer to write about single parent issues as well as dad/men issues. It gives more lattitude. Personally, I think you always have the mindset of a single parent. I remarried last year and I still am considered the dad who raised the kids. The definition I use for single dad/parent, is single,divorced,widowed, or remarried. As a matter of fact, remarried parents have plenty of issues to share when blending families.
However, if your identity and your blog are all about the trials and hardships of being solo, your following is doomed to move on to others they can now relate to.
I am a firm supporter of single dad rights and that has not changed.
Barry´s last blog ..It’s Back To School: Developing Routine And Structure For Parents
Twitter @ martinimom
I’ve been trying to write on a post on this very topic. The Man moved in with me and my son very recently, so I’m clearly no longer a single *person*. But single *mom*? That’s trickier…
True, I’m no longer doing it all by myself. There is someone to help with the dishes while I’m getting the kid to bed, for example. BUT a large part of the single parent thing (at least in my situation) is the challenge of co-parenting with an ex. That doesn’t go away just because I’m no longer single.
So, while eventually “single mom” won’t accurately describe me, there are certain aspects of single momhood that will never go away. I’ve given some thought as to what to call myself in this new situation; something succinct and recognizable so people can quickly understand. So far I haven’t come up with anything. Think I’ll just call myself fabulous, and be done with it.
Martini Mom´s last blog ..10 honest (and severly belated) things
Twitter @ http://cat804.blogspot.com
I don’t think you ever stop being a single parent, because you’ve been there, and because no matter how good your new relationship is, you’re still the parent. IMO, no one can ever have as much invested in that kid as you do, especially if you spent a while single.
But from a community perspective, it’s kind of a different ballgame. As Barry mentioned, it kind of depends on the focus of your blog- if you’re talking about general parenting issues, you can transition into it. But if your blogging identity was wrapped up in dating and being single, your audience might not follow you into coupledom. Online, it seems like people tend to read about others in similar experiences to them.
Cat´s last blog ..Frustrated
I am new to the site and find it very interesting.
I was married for 3 years to my daughter’s father. We divorced when she was 3. I lived alone in my apartment with her until 4 years later I became pregnant with my son. My son’s father and I had been off and on for 3 years or so. We all lived together until VERY recently when the father and I broke up. I wouldn’t have considered myself a single mom during this time but looking back now, to a certain degree, you are a single parent even after having children with the new love. It is primarily your responsibility for that child that isnt theirs, you have to work with the ex, etc. And based on my experience even with the best of intentions no one can feel the same about the “step” child as they do for their child, so you are alone in that respect too b/c both kids are “yours”.
Now I will be beginning the adventure of single mommyhood to two children. Let it begin!
Interesting.
I did two years as a single mom with no love life. On my son’s 2nd birthday I met the man I am now going to be marrying this weekend. My situation is very unique in that Daddio has become my son’s dad in every sense of the word. Aside from that pesky fact that he is not blood related to my son, we are a nuclear family otherwise. I don’t consider myself a single mom anymore, and havn’t for a long time. I think it’s because we’ve blended together so wonderfully due to our children’s ages that we’ve been able to let go of the “mine vs yours” attitude for awhile. And with my son I dont see it coming into play in the future, Daddio will always be Dad. However, if my son had been older. If my son had been able to distinctly remember when Daddio had not been around and understand better that Daddio is a new addition into our lives and hearts, I may have held onto the single mom role a bit longer.
Sarah´s last blog ..That’s What She Said
Twitter @ http://www.singlemomsaves.com
I asked this question to a recently married single mom. I was not happy with her answer (or lack thereof), nor the fact that she continues to be one of the major “online voices” for single parenthood.
It’s kind of tricky…I think you kind of always remain the single mom of the child you had with your ex, especially if you’re in a relationship and your new partner doesn’t take on any parental responsibilities of your child.
But once you get married, you’re really not a single parent anymore. In my opinion, married people should not be writing about being a single parent (even if they used to be one and still feel like one).
I commend Solomother for deciding to change the scope of her blog if she gets married. Writing about step-parenting and blended families is the perfect transition. Another good topic is coparenting…that’s valid whether you’re single or not.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemomsaves.com
On another note, how important is the “single mom” moniker anyway?
I saw a man on TV once describe how when his mother became a widow people began to call her a “single mom,” but in his eyes, she was just a mom.
Moms are moms no matter what, and sometimes even when women are married, they operating like single moms anyway. It’s not like our children are calling us “single mom,” you know?
The “single mom” label has created a community of support for women in similar situations, which is great. But at the end of the day, we’re all just moms.
After more in-depth soul-searching i can honestly say single-mommyhood is what defines me. It made me finish the relationship which had potential of moving in together pretty soon – we were dating for a year, and he loved my daughter to bits, but i resented when we didn’t see eye-to-eye on parenting issues, and he wanted to be more involved with parenting my girl than i was comfortable with.
another ex-b/f and i had planned to go away for a weekend together. He assumed i was bringing my daughter along, and offered to take her to brunch while i could go for a hair-cut or a facial or utilise half a morning as i see fit. For his presumptuousness (or his consideration?) he got me shell-shocked mouthing ‘I’m protecting my daughter’s innocence, thanks but no thanks’. We went for the weekend without my child, but the relationship faltered soon after.
Mainly because when he went to see his son from his ex-wife while the boy was sick he managed to get the ex-wife pregnant again….but that’s another story
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
Hhmmm this is so thought provoking. Dr. Leah and I talked about this today on LOVETALK (Check my Blog for the button on the right side!)
Anyway, I said even though I am falling in love and we are together more than apart. I still feel like a single mom. Perhaps that will change as He and I make a commitment to move forward. I think it is hard to give up that newfound independence and freedom that comes with divorce. I like making my decision without someone else’s input. BUT I do love him and I am drawn to the sense of having someone else to make decisions with. Hhhmm this warrants further discussion and continued reading of other opinions over here at singlemommyhood.
SHOOT! You women grow me by leaps and bounds!
lovebabz´s last blog ..COMING FULLY
I absolutely agree with Mydria — when I started my blog in 2007, I honestly never really thought of it as a “single mom’s blog” — or my identity solely as being a single mom. A mom, yes. A woman determined to find out what she really wanted in life, yes…or at least determined to be the best she could be at that time in her life — yes, yes!
I still think I’m that way today, and don’t see that changing even after I get married again. And, I know I couldn’t have come this far without my experience being single these last 6+ years.
Susan´s last blog ..Taking a bow
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Thanks for pointing that out Mydria! Indeed, at the end of the day, we all are “just” moms [or dads!], right? So true.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
Thank you Dr. Leah and Rachel for what really is an interesting topic.
I think Barry expressed my feelings best – if your blog is entirely focused on single parenting, and you no longer FEEL or play the role of single parent, that’s one issue. A blogger’s subject matter & target audience issue.
Feeling like a single parent is another thing entirely.
I was a single parent throughout my 12 year marriage. My (then) husband traveled, a great deal. During that time, my friends were not other married women, they were other single working moms. At one point, the proverbial light bulb went on, and I realized that my life was like their lives, except there was a theoretical Mrs. in front of my name, and, they were… um… enjoying certain aspects of life more than I was.
Once separation and divorce came, my life was just more of the same + legal and financial issues I couldn’t have imagined. But the essence of my life and the responsibilities of parenting hadn’t changed. Except for one thing. As I was divorcing, my divorced friends were remarrying, some moving away.
Whether I’m in a relationship or not, I will always view myself as a single parent, because I have been for 18 years. I also do not feel “divorced;” I feel single, and generally present myself that way. There is a plenitude to claiming oneself fully – as “single.” To me, it feels complete, unmarred, nonjudgmental. Would I like to be part of a couple? Sure. Would that ever change my sense of self-ownership as a single woman and single mother?
I don’t think so. And I hope not.
Another wonderfully thought-provoking question. Thank you for that.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Heart healthy: do we get better at love?
Twitter @ http://kitkat4real.blogspot.com
I agree with T here in the comments and have to say – I am in no hurry to marry, even though I am presently in a *ahem* serious relationship. I have been divorced over four years and can appreciate the journey of single-mom-hood to the point that as for it’s adventure and my alone time with my kiddos; I’m not sure I am ready to give that up. So ultimately I would want to find a way to “someday” combine the two (if I ever do marry).
I have become a part of the single parent community and found my element (is that a bad thing?).
Katherine SOLO dot MOM´s last blog ..Resources, Random yet Insatiable
I’m not really sure… I think for me I will always be a single mom.
I’m reluctant to share all the parental duties. Sure he can help cook dinner, maybe drive to a softball practice here and there. However, ultimately I’m the one calling the shots he can offer to do whatever his hearts desire but it is up to me to make the decision to let him do those things or continue to do them all myself.
I think it depends on how much parenting you are willing to let your new partner/spouse really do. Are you involving them in parent/teacher conferences? Are you asking them to take the kiddo to the doctor? Or let them make any parenting decisions? Or does their parenting stop at making dinner for the family?
Kari´s last blog ..Getting Healthy!
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
One more remark, having read T’s comment about “holding on to our single parenthood fondly” –
Despite 18 years of raising children essentially alone (and 2 more years to go), while I cherish the privilege of being a mom, I do not hold on to my single parenthood “fondly.” I love my children; we have many joys we’ve shared together.
But I would have preferred a marriage that worked, and to have been part of a couple raising a family. That has nothing to do with embracing fully who I am, the result of what I have lived. But it is a definite belief that if possible, sharing parenting in partnership is better than going it solo.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Serena Williams a-t-elle « menacé » la juge de ligne?