Does my kid need therapy?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Kids, Tips & Advice
She went onto say that her son has always been melodramatic and assertive — but she’s concerned his behavior is getting out of control. He’s more aggressive. And he’s arguing and back talking a lot more often.
“He seems so angry,” she adds. “My ex and I got separated two years ago and this has been tough for our son. We moved out and he has changed schools twice. I’m seriously dating someone now, and his dad has moved in with his girlfriend and her daughter. His teacher wants me to talk with the school counselor. I talk to the teacher on the telephone almost every day.
So, my question is: how do you know if your kid needs therapy?”
Here’s what our Sanity Fairy suggests:
“No one know your child better than you,” says Dr. Leah. “When you know in your heart that things are not right for your child, this is the time to consider speaking with a mental health professional.”
Not right can take many forms such as moodiness, sadness, aggression, acting out, or changes in sleep and/or eating habits. Frequent and lengthy conversations with your child’s teacher are a red flag. If your child’s teacher suggests that you speak with the school counselor or school psychologist, this is ‘teacher speak’ that your child is experiencing difficulties out of the normal range.
Some children adapt more easily to change than others. If your child has experienced many changes, like frequent moves, new school, or adapting to parents’ new partners, your child may be at higher risk for emotional problems. If your child is not right, he/she is suffering just like a child would from a physical ailment.
Don’t let pride, denial or the ‘blame game’ with the other parent interfere in getting the help your child needs.
Often the best place to start is getting some help yourself. Consider getting short term counseling focused on your parenting choices and challenges at home.
Here’s why: For things to get better for your child, things must change. Deciding what has to change and how these changes will be implemented are adult decisions. Your little guy has basically no control control over what’s happening in his home life.”
Have you faced similar challenges with your own children?
Did you chose therapy? If so, was it helpful for your family?
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My girls have been in and out of therapy for the past few years, and it’s been great for us. First, they went to see my therapist, who also specializes in children so that was a perfect fit. She knew the ins and outs of the situation, and after meeting with them, we would have a session where we would discuss how I could help them at home – what they respond to, what they’re going through developmentally and how the emotional trauma of their dad affects that. It was enormously helpful.
My oldest daughter is now in therapy that was set up through her school, and that’s working out well, too. (My therapist is no longer covered under my insurance plan.) I really like the woman she sees, who is emotionally supportive, but also isn’t afraid to back me up when necessary.
It is hard to admit that our kids need help, but the way I look at it, the more supportive people that they have in their lives, the better off we all are. Now when something’s too big for me to handle, I have someone to go to, someone I consider a partner in my daughter’s overall well-being. I never had that with my ex.
Having said all this, if you make an appointment and don’t feel a connection, don’t be afraid to shop around for one that YOU feel comfortable with. We had one along the way that made me feel very defensive about things that we’ve been through, and that just wasn’t helpful.
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I just have to add, being a therapist myself and having worked extensively with children and families, that dropping the child off to have therapy once a week, and expecting him/her to be “fixed” by the therapist is not helpful either. The therapy needs to be a collaborative with preferably both parents, but definitely one and the child, and the real issues need to be dealt with in family therapy. And, when parents do decide to separate or divorce, couples counseling to deal with parenting issues can also be very helpful. This puts less pressure on the child.
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I’m all for counseling if kids are struggling. Parenting classes can also be very helpful. It really is amazing how changes in structure, relating, consequences, etc. can bring about huge changes in behavior.
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Perhaps the child needs someone to talk to. It could be that he feels that no one is on his side. Maybe he just needs an outlet to voice his complaints to and he feels like he can’t say anything to you or his dad. I have friends who have gone through this with their child when the ex was present (My 13 year old son’s father is not in his life at all- has never even seen him). My friends son felt like his mom and dad were moving on with their life because they both were seeing someone else and he felt like no one wanted him. Pretty sad, but with a little counseling and reassurance from both his parents, he managed to adjust and thrive.
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April: So much great advice here! Don’t be afraid to shop around until you find a therapist with whom you’re comfortable – definitely. I’m weary of the phrase “It takes a village”, but it’s so true – it’s wonderful to surround your kids with supportive people whose judgment you can trust. It is hard to admit that our kids need help because it feels like somehow we failed – so far from the truth.
Thanks for sharing so much with all of us!
MouWilson: Welcome to Singlemommyhood! Of course, you’re right . . .dropping your kid off for “therapy lessons” isn’t going to fix any problem. And thanks for pointing out that there are different kinds of therapy. Counseling to deal with kid issues when divorce is imminent makes good sense. Too bad it’s so seldom done.
Twitter @ honoree
My daughter has been in therapy for almost 3 years (she’s almost 10). The therapist gives me tools to help me be a better mom, and gives her a safe place to express how she feels as well as tools. Divorce wasn’t easy for me to wrap my brain around as an adult, not sure how a child can even begin to comprehend it. For us, therapy has been a positive, working choice. I can’t imagine how either of us would survive without it! The right person sure can make an amazing difference.
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My thing is I dont know if I should take my daughter to therapy. She is a good girl to the most part. But acts out for me mostly. She is only 3. She hasnt seen her dad for a yr. (I also have a 7 month old who hasnt met her dad) She says things like my daddy is coming to get me (which I chalk up to other kids at pre school saying something about thier dads coming to get them) But then she talks about her daddy doing all kinds of things with her and telling her things…which she hasnt seen him in a yr, or heard from him in weeks. She throw tantrums and cries about everything and refuses to do most things she is told to do. I dont know what to do. She used to be a sweet little girl to me. I never had problems with her. She was even better right after we left my ex. Then as time went by of him not calling, or calling when its good for him, her not seeing him becasue he cancels a trip ( I never tell him he is coming unless he is on his way, so she never knows he broke a promise). I dont know what else to do. She has just changed so much in her attitude. I know she is 3 yrs old. But this is beyond the typical 3 yr olds I see. And the whole daddy thing bugs me a bit. I cant make him be a father, but when its changing my little girl, I am really concerned.
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I would be a bit careful about taking your child to a therapist. I believe strongly in therapy, however it was forced on my as a child, which I feel might have been more detrimental than helpful. Make sure your chile feels good about it, let them help pick a therapist they are comfortable with, etc. Just make its a positive as can be. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink…so make sure both you and your child are ready.
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No one in my family has needed therapy (or at least, they won’t admit it!). But this article is a definite RED FLAG for a parent, as it shows that there is something going on within that child, deep inside, that isn’t being expressed in the correct way.
I’m for doing therapy first, before medication, as medication doesn’t address the core cause and issue at hand. If the child is growing more angry and assertive because the newly divorced mom is now dating, a pill isn’t going to address the emotions that child is feeling. It doesn’t heal, it only provides a temporary fix that can be emotionally and mentally damaging later.
Samantha: I believe exactly what you are saying, 100%. You need to let the child know what you are noticing in their behaviour, and tell them that if they won’t talk to you, you can find someone that can talk to them. You want the child to be OK with the situation of seeing a therapist, and you want to find a therapist that is right for YOUR CHILD. There are many child therapist that work using games, art, music, and other fun activities that help and benefit the child’s mental and emotional health.
Great post.
My husband and I just separated in January and we have 3 kids together. Right now the youngest (3) and middle (5) are ok and thriving, while my oldest (7) is reserved and angry all the time. He’s just not the same little boy. I know I made the right decision to leave my ex because I was seriously depressed when I was with him. I can’t seem to make my 7 year old understand that this was a good thing. I don’t know what to do to reach him. He favors his dad so much more than me, often to the point of total rejection and rude behavior to me while in front of him. I could use some advice. I don’t know whether or not a therapist is a good idea.
Felicia: Please do find a psychologist who specializes in working with divorcing families. Your son year old sounds like he’s in a lot of emotional pain. Please stay in touch with us @Singlemommyhood. We care about you and your family.
I need help with dealing with my ex getting married to a younger woman and him being happy. I feel he doesn’t deserve it after destroying our family. My son is 7 and acting out. My ex does not do his share of child support but is driving around in a Lexus and expensive clothing. I am afraid that after he gets married I will lose the little he gives me if they start a family. I want to stop wishing bad things on them, and I want to be at peace with life and enjoy it. I need some advise. Thank you.