A single dad wonders about grown-up sleepovers. Help!
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Dads
Oh, yes, those grown up sleepovers.
This has to be one of our most popular topics at Singlemommyhood. We get plenty of emails about this situation — and you’ve chimed in about your own feelings regarding adult sleepovers.
So, now it’s time for us to address yet another angle: What role do your kids’ feelings play in your decision to have boyfriend/girlfriend spend the night?
Here’s a recent email from a single dad who wrote to us about possible grown-up sleepovers. He’s the full-time parent of three teenage girls (!) — a 15-year-old and 10-year-old twins –he has been divorced for more than a year now. He adds that his kids are thriving, doing well in school, and are simply great teens. “I want them to be healthy, loving, interesting women,” he says.
A few months ago, he met a woman whom he feels has real potential. She’s also very serious about having a long-term relationship. “We spend ‘family’ time, all together — yet I’m unsure if it’s okay to let my girlfriend spent the night when my kids are here.”
“So, now, the whole ‘sleeping over while the kids are home’ situation is on our minds,” he says, “and neither of us knows how to proceed.”
He wants to know:
“Do I speak directly to the girls and say what?
“Do we just ‘do it’ and wait for their reaction?
Or do I forget the whole thing?”
We bet that many of you know A LOT about this dilemma.
So, we’d love to know from you:
Do kid feelings count when you decide whether grown-up sleepovers are going to happen?
Does this parenting decision gets more complicated as kids get older?
If you have any advice for this single dad as he struggles to decide if grown-up sleepovers are the right choice, thank you!
(Picture courtesy of cayusa via Flickr)
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I grew up with married parents who had the ‘if the door is locked, you are not to interupt’ rule. We always thought they were deciding what to get us for Christmas, or where we were going on vacation, or if we were getting a new tv…of course, whatever our parents were talking about surely revolved around us! NOW I realize what their locked door private time was probably about, at the time, I had no idea.
My only question for this Dad is about his 15yr old. She’s probably going to realize it means sex. Is she going to be comfortable with being aware of that about her Dad? Will that impact how comfortable she’s going to feel around the girlfriend in general. My son is 8, and for now, for us, the bf comes to visit after my son goes to bed, and leaves without sleeping over so my son is not greeted with a locked door during the night should he need something. Last, just my own experience, but “a couple months” isn’t that long to really get to know if this woman is someone that you want around your kids long term, is it?
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Tough call. If his 15 y/o is anything like mine, although she would be aware of what a sleepover means she would choose to live in denial about it. Meaning a conversation with her about how she *feels* about it would only draw attention to and aggrivate the situation.
I think if the gf spends a lot of time around his kids in their home then at some point a sleepover could just occur naturally, like ‘falling asleep while watching a movie’ or something of the sort. Sort of ease into it and then sit back and wait to see how or if the kids react. They may not even give it a second thought. Let them come to you with questions, if they have them.
Obviously there should never be a revolving bedroom door displayed in front of the kids but there’s nothing wring with having sleepover when you are in a LTR.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Boo! Who?
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
Wow, this is tough, and the answer becomes a moral decision. You have to ask yourself, “Would you let your 15 YO have a boyfriend spend the night in her room?” Obviously not, so you cannot do it either. Double standard parenting.
Unfortunately in parenting, more is caught than taught. So you would certainly be setting a bad example for your kids. Their view on sex, marriage and relationship will come more from their parents than outside influences.
Now that said, all is not lost. The kids go to school during the day, probably have some weekends with your Ex when they are not around etc. What you do on those times is of course your time. *hint, hint*
Until the wedding announcements are in the mail and date is firmly on the calendar, I would not let the girlfriend spend the night when the kids are around.
How would you feel if your Ex did the same in front of your kids? Morality for your children is at stake, dad take the high road and plan accordingly.
My 2 cents worth anyway. *hehe*
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..“Does Your Daughter Have Dad Hair?” Book Review
If you have to ask, the answer is ALWAYS “No”.
* Well what if we: NO
* Well we could: NO
* How about we: NO
Vicki’s Husband´s last blog ..The Fairy Princess and J.R. Swish
Twitter @ http://goingsaneinacrazyworld.blogspot.com/
Rough call. My thoughts are if they have been dating a long while and she has become a part of family life. Her sleeping over won’t be that much of a step.
Mike´s last blog ..Surprise … Surprise … Surprise
@Full Custody Dad: we always appreciate hearing your two cents! Clearly, as @Single Mom Says shows in her comment, opinions on this one vary greatly.
We’re really curious if other parents agree with @Full Custody Dad on this one, regarding his question:
“Would you let your 15 YO have a boyfriend spend the night in her room?”
Obviously not, so you cannot do it either. Double standard parenting.
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
I disagree with Full Custody Dad. If you’re advocating “no sex ’til marriage” – then that would be a double standard. Otherwise, There is a big difference between a 15 yo’s boy/girlfriend spending the night and an adult’s boy/girlfriend spending the night!Yes, I realize kid’s learn their lessons from their parents…but that includes being honest about sex and relationships.
I agree with other commenters, no revolving door here, but we’re talking LTR. If she’s already spending time around the kids – spending the night really won’t be that weird.
Personally, I would talk to my daughter about it directly. But I can understand the logic of letting it progress naturally and be ready to field questions if they come up. It all should be consistent with your parenting style.
StudentMama´s last blog ..The ick
Twitter @ http://katwilder.com/
It isn’t OK, especially a tad more than a year out of divorce and a “few” months with a new love, which is NOT a LTR — it is a new love. New, not LTR (which is, like, a year or two)
Get the girls to have sleepovers, have car sex, rent a motel instead of going out to dinner or lunch, or do it in the parking lot after a meal out (which can be a total turn-on; please don’t ask me how I know) … but don’t have a sleepover yet.
I may be old-fashioned on this, but you have to think of what you would feel like if you were 15 and your parents did this. It would be weird and (in a teen’s developing but oft-confused mind) would probably feel “wrong.”
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Does being Ms. Picky get you Mr. Perfect?
Twitter @ divorcedwomen
When I was 15 the thought of my parents having sex made me shudder.
I can’t imagine how I would have felt knowing it was my Dad having sex with someone other than my mother.
His daughters may have adjusted to the divorce but sex is sex and it just isn’t something a 15 or 10 year old wants to think about, let alone be faced with knowledge of when it comes to a parent.
I’m with Kat on this situation. This is by no definition a LTR. He has been divorced a little over a year and dating this woman a “few” months.
His new relationship may have “potential” BUT until it is fully known that this women is going to be in his daughter’s lives for the long haul, sleepovers should be put on the backburner.
Cathy´s last blog ..Learning The Art Of Solitude: Living Alone After Divorce
Ok, first, as I’ve said before, I haven’t even dipped a toe in the dating pool in the 2 years since my divorce, so, you know, take/leave my advice anyway you want.
My opinion is…whether it’s appropriate or not at this stage is a very personal choice that no one else can make for you. It needs to be based on lots of factors we, as outsiders, know nothing about. That said, I agree with Vicki’s husband. If you have to ask, it’s probably NOT OK. BUT if you decide it’s OK for your situation, you MUST talk about it to the kids, maybe even seperately, because of the age/maturity levels of the individual kids. If you just “we fell asleep” it, you still must have a follow up conversation about why what’s appropriate for adults is NOT appropriate for your kids. If you don’t you’re leaving yourself wide open for the same excuse to come out of your daughters’ mouths when they miss curfew in the future. I have no problem with a double standard for adults vs kids, because thats just a fact of life people, deal with it. However, you MUST make sure your kids understand that double standard and why it exists. For their safety and well-being.
CJ´s last blog ..Bragging rights!
Twitter @ Ysabo
As some of you may have seen me post before. I have adult sleepovers all the time. I have a lot of friends who live out of town and when they come to town, they sleepover. I understand my lifestyle is different, but my 13yo daughter doesn’t relate “sleeping over” to sex. She knows I have sex. Sex isn’t a bad thing. We have discussed it and she knows that it is a part of life but that it is something you wait to do until you are mature enough to handle it…like drinking or driving a car. I have both guys and girls sleep over and share my bed. Some of them I’m having a sexual relationship and some I’m not. I have a really big and comfy king size bed and on at least one occasion, we had 4 people SLEEPing in it because a storm ruined a campout. All my beds and couches were full of people.
As for the double standard, I drink. I don’t expect my daughter to drink. It isn’t a double standard because, hello!, I’m an adult. She is a teenager. When I was a teenager, I wasn’t having sex. You are the parent and the rules for adults are different than rules for teenagers.
I believe that giving them the knowledge to know why they shouldn’t have sex (beyond it is morally wrong) is more potent and effective than just telling them not to do it. She learned the hard way when she wanted try wearing contact lenses that she wasn’t ready for the responsibility. We discussed decision making and consequences.
And, I know this might shock some of you, I took her to see Spring Awakening last week. It has mature themes about what it is like to be a teenager. It addresses child abuse, sexual abuse/incest, what happens when children aren’t taught the facts of life, and general teenage angst from a teenage point of view. We have had several fabulous conversations about it and I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Now, when I have a guy I’m seeing (they are usually from out of town and I don’t have another parent that can be counted on to take her for the weekend) comes to town, I just tell her that a friend is coming to stay and they will be sleeping in my room. She knows the door will be closed and locked. I know at this point, she is assuming we are having sex, whether we really are or not. I can sleep next to a guy without having sex with him. I actually dated a guy for two years who had taken a vow of celibacy and he spent the night on a regular basis.
Anyway, it is up to the dad to determine what is right for his kids and how he wants to them to feel about sex and relationships. Are we living in a June Cleaver/Lucille Ball age where babies are delivered by storks or in the modern age where sex is something that happens between two consenting adults who like each other.
And if you think my daughter has a skewed sense of sexuality because of this, you might be right. She told me she broke up with her last “boyfriend” about 6 months ago because he was a pervert. When I asked her what made him a pervert…she said it was because he kept trying to touch her boobs. I had to explain that it made him a normal 7th grade boy, not a pervert. So, I must be doing something right!
chai_girl: Definitely LOL about the 7th grade boys . . .that’s pretty much on their minds 27/7. I’ve always thought that making our homes gathering places for friends makes having “friends” visit an easier situation for our kids. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
CJ: Thanks for highlighting how the double standard is just how it is for kids and adults.
Twitter @ http://newsingledad.wordpress.com
My experience with this is being the sleepover guest. The kids turned out to be my stepchildren, and are now all adults and 1 a parent herself. Being a new single dad, I can properly see the situation from both sides, (although I wish I couldn’t).
I “slept over” and it just wasn’t a big deal. I was visiting from out of town, but I was by far the most disturbed over the whole situation. The kids had known me for some time, and I guess in their world this just wasn’t an issue, and we didn’t make an issue out of it. I do know I hadn’t been the first.
I don’t believe it’s a double standard, there are all manner of things that are ok for me to do, that are NOT ok for my kids to do, including alcohol, driving, voting, seeing bands at certain clubs that they’d really like to see but aren’t allowed in. I agree with treating the kids as people, not as kids, but no matter how much respect you have for them, in society they are kids.
If your girls know the woman, and are familiar with her, and she’s there in the morning, I would answer questions that come up with tact and honesty, (as well as I could), and let it go at that. You should have a feel for how they are likely to react, although no one knows for sure how teenage girls will react to anything.
It could work out well, or be a disaster, but then so can a trip to the grocery store with kids. My guess is, like most things, you already know if it’s ok or not, and don’t trust yourself with something that seems so important. So, what’s the absolute worst thing that could happen? Ewwww, dad is having sex?
Either way… Good Luck. One thing I’m certain about, I won’t be this confident when it’s me going thru it, (if that day ever happens).
Scott´s last blog ..First (real) Car
Twitter @ http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/
My situation is a bit different in that I have my daughter only half the time so I can do sleep overs when she’s not there. Also, she’s 3 versus being older, so explaining it might be tough. The child therapist I see recommended no sleepovers until the person actually moves in (married or not). I didnt’ clarify if they meant when my daughter is young or forever, but I’m not opposed to it. While my daughter has met and spent significant time with one woman I dated, I don’t want her to get so attached to some one until that commitment is ready to be made. The therapist feels that overnights create the “subsitute mommy or daddy illusion” and can be damaging if it’s not shown to be a committed attempt at a long term thing.
Big City Dad´s last blog ..Daddies and their Little Girls
Twitter @ singlemomchrons
Ooooiiiii….See this is one of those things that makes you feel *wrong* no matter what you do…you see a real future with this woman, so do you sort of snub her? Or do you send a message to your kids that you really don’t want to send? Oh, the joy of parenting.
Someone above said something about letting it happen naturally…that’s what I did. My daughter (she was 7 at the time), my boyfriend and I watched a movie and it was getting late. It told him to sleep on the couch. We did that a couple of times and then transitioned to the bedroom.
I’d loved to say I planned it out thoughtfully, but honestly we went with what felt right as each day went by.
He has a teenage daughter too – and we did a similar, slow transition with her too.
In the case of both kids, we waited to about the 10 month point before we did overnights (we wanted to make sure this was a lasting relationship for us first).
Can I let you know in 15 years if we did the right thing?
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..When Your Kids Question Who You Date
As an older teenager girl with a single Dad, I thought I would put in my two cents. When he started dating a women seriously a few years after my mom died he asked me how I felt about her staying over. He let me think for a few days, and after the initial shock we talked ahout it and for me it was okay. However, there would have been an issue had he done it without talking about it first, there would have been an issue. Also for the record just because he has sex and they sleep over, doesn’t change my standards I’d thoughts about waiting until much later.
@Jm, it means a lot to us that you chimed in as the teenager of a single parent. Thanks SO much!
I am currently going thru a divorce. My oldest daughter (15) does not get along with her mother and decided to live with me. Of course I love having her here. Over the last few months, our relationship has grown more than I expected. Her trust in me has greatly increased. We can now talk openly about sex, and her feelings towards having sex. I try to choose my words carefully, but I really don’t know how to discuss some topics of sex. But I try, and my daughter sees how hard I am trying. This seems to make it easier for her to confide in me. We have talked about boys, girls, periods, masterbation, and birth control. She tells me she is pure, but with some hesitation. I’m not sure if the hesitation is guilt from the lie, or stress from her mother accusing her of having sex several times before we split up.
I know there are test that can be preformed, but that would show distrust on my part, and with her riding horses for the last 5 years, may not be accurate.
I would really like to know she isn’t just telling me what I want to hear. But maybe I should just believe her and go from here. As far as adult sleepovers, I would not have that, because I am trying to instill the importance of not having sex. Though it is rough on me. But I will sacrifice anything to protect my baby.
Rick: We certainly don’t tell other people how to raise their children, BUT …yes, you should try your best to trust her. Obviously, if you some how found out she is not a virgin (or pure as you put it), would it really make a difference in how you feel about her? Thanks for sharing your concerns with us. Dads are especially welcome @Singlemommyhood.
Dr. Leah,
No, it would not change the way I feel about my daughter.. Nothing could change that. I have told her how I feel about her and how nothing she has done or will ever do will change that. I just don’t feel as if she has 100% trust in me, and I’m sure that it will take time, but I’m feeling that time is getting shorter. She is 15 and will be graduating in 2 years, then off to college. My goal is to have complete trust between us before her college years. So if anyone has any tips or advise, I will surely listen. I just want to protect her while I can.
Rick: Just to share a bit with you ….my “babies” (a son and a daughter) are grown-up. Both out of college, married, and deep into their respective careers. They still rely on me, trust me, and our relationship continues to evolve. It’s such a trap (and one that I recognize since it was my belief at the time, too) that my parental influence would somehow run out the minute my child registered for their first college classes …. NOT!
Here’s my advice: relationships evolve. There is no time limit on the trust our children feel in us. Enjoy more and worry less.
Thank you for sharing. I hope that our relationship will be like the one I have with my father. We live close by and spend alot of time together. I will try to enjoy more..
For Rick,
I just wanted to pass son the best tips my son(17 y/o) ever shared with me about build trust and having open communication with at least one parent. My boys craves it and gave me some feedback on my style. First things first, no matter what they come to you with, let them know you won’t judge them for the event or their response to it. They’re keeping us in the loop, this takes great courage. Better they get the best support/advice, from us.
Second, don’t react when it’s horrendous and you’re horrified, they will stop talking about the stuff they are really dealing with and take that horrifying event as the level of trust we as parents just can’t handle.
My son will preface conversations with “Okay now, don’t react”, he just can’t handle it if I’m the one who’s outraged or crying. I see now, after some practise with our understanding that the event is his to grieve or get angry about, not mine… I get that. I take a breathe, ask him how he feels about it and am often, if not always impressed with his reply. He feels supported and has brought more and more of his life to me with trust that I will back him up. Compairing with the mom’s of his friends, I am far more in the loop of his life. I am so honoured and proud, and I feel like I have an active role in protecting/guiding him as he examples his skill in handling more and more of life’s challenges on his own.
Third, give them credit for the lectures they have learned and applied to their life by not giving that speach/ silliloque anymore. My son loves this one. It has a double feature of showing him in action that I am proud of his chracter development while simultaneously getting him to think about issues from a moral perspective. It’s tot he point where he brings me issues from his friends lives, things he’s observed, just to discuss, talk consequences, what would be the best response…
My two cents on trust, always trust until I’m proven wrong, always.
I came to this page looking foranswers about sleeping over at my new man’s place. My son is old enough to know why I’m not coming home until the wee hours. My two cents on adult sleepovers, it’s a moral call. I loved Swati’s answer, there are no easy answers, but air on the side of your kids comfort. I’m taking our teenager’s chime in and going to ask hm for his thought and comfort zone, bit by bit. He’s nigh on his own sexual exploration and I feel my approach to dating after many years of celibacy is timely for his example. SO, I’m going to treat it as such, without giving him too much detail or information.
I want to thank the good dr and you all for this blog (?) never replied to one before. So helpful. I feel much clearer about how to move forward in this new world of dating and boyfriends and sleepovers and when to introduce