My ex is dating a convicted murderer. Say what?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
We took a deep breath when read this email yesterday from a single mom who wrote to us in shock:
“This morning my daughter and I were chatting about Daddy’s latest girl friend. This new girlfriend has two girls who attend the same school as my daughter. Apparently they ‘hooked up’ at Back to School night. “
This single mom asked her daughter if the girlfriend’s kids ever see their dad. Her daughter reported that the girlfriend’s kids do not talk about their dad. Her daughter then added that she’d heard their dad had been killed in some bad way.
Something just didn’t sound right. When her daughter usually talked about Dad’s latest love interest, it wasn’t with so much anxiety. And her daughter did sound upset.
This single mom immediately launched an Internet search — and she easily found the girlfriend on Facebook.
An entry caught her eye: “Manslaughter plea entered.” She opened it immediately and discovered that the girlfriend had shot her husband in front her kids. She’d been sentenced to prison.
Domestic violence had played no part. Apparently, the girlfriend opened a credit card account her husband didn’t want her to open. He grabbed her purse. And she grabbed a gun and shot him in the head. She had been released from prison last year and lives with her mom and her kids.
This co-parenting dilemma is new to us — and this mom would love to hear your advice. We’re interested to know:
What would you do if you found out that your ex was dating someone with a criminal past?
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Wow! What a dilemma. The closest I can come to this was when my ex was living with a convicted sex offender who wasn’t allowed to be around children. We had to coordinate his rare visits because he couldn’t take our daughter to his house. He knew better than to try but the law was also on my side.
I would talk to the ex about it. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you do not want your child around this woman. If his relationship continues with the woman, I’d take him to court and modify the custodial agreement to say that she cannot be around her daughter. I think that is possible.
Wait a minute- some red flags are going off here, and not the kind you think. If this woman was convicted of killing her husband, she would not be able to have custody of her kids. No offense, but I think you’ve been too quick to believe this one…
jess: Good point. It is possible, however, that the grandmother was granted legal custody of the kids after Mom went to prison. Thanks for joining our conversation.
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
I’m sorry to say that you probably won’t be able to keep your kids away from her unless that was part of the condition of her release. If she is not ordered to stay away from children, her past cannot be held indefinately over her by the law.
I also think the story sounds incomplete, there is a lot of junk out there on the net. Maybe there was domestic violence. Maybe the kids weren’t actually there. Don’t believe everything you read.
I will say it is terrifying to have your child around someone who has committed murder, for whatever reason. Talk to the Dad, maybe he will agree for her to keep a distance from your child. If not, insist on talking to her to get a sense of who she is. This may help your realize if you have been misinformed and may calm your nerves. Its hard. We do so much to protect our children, but in the end we cannot be with them or decide who is with them all the time, especially when we are co-parenting.
Samantha´s last blog ..Getting a Roommate?
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
We’re in touch with this mom, and she is learning more as her attorney investigates on her behalf.
She just wrote to us that her “parenting investigator that is reporting to the court in our custody case may or may not take this seriously. Everyone I know is appalled — but to the court this may be a “non issue”. If she were a male you know it would be different. I’ll know more tomorrow after she talks to my attorney…”
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
Wow. What a story. I would do some investigative work with my atty, my ex and the woman herself. They are YOUR children. You have a right to know. Ask questions. Don’t assume.
T´s last blog ..Aiming for the fairway
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Well my ex-husband married a backstabbing sociopath who has caused an immense amount of harm to me and my kids’ lives. Personally, I would rather deal with a convincted murderer, someone who is a known criminal and has been charged as such instead of a very devious and calculating narcissist who can fool many and pretend to be human.
Neither situation is a good one, but at least that single mom has more chance of getting the law on her side to protect her and her kids.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Inside the Mind of a Deadbeat Dad
Twitter @ laurenmli
What I find to be absolutely appalling is that we are only talking about keeping her children away from this woman. But what about the father? Assuming this is true, he clearly is incapable of making good parental decisions on the child’s behalf if he would be engaging this murderer in a relationship. His judgment on this matter, in my opinion, renders him an unfit father. Without knowing all the details of the situation, my advice should be taken with a grain of salt. But it seems obvious to me that this mom should be headed back to court, not just to restrict this woman from being around her daughter, but to obtain sole custody of her child with only supervised visitation for the father.
Lauren´s last blog ..An Awesome Little Team
Twitter @ ChasingAmy206
I’m sure this woman’s husband and father of 4 thought she was “over reacting” as well right before she shot him in the head from 3 ft away in front of 3 children.
We should all just sit back and relax right?
hmmm. Get the full story, and if it’s still as scary as this one, do what you can legally to limit visits when she is around. People have done this before, it’s just very difficult to enforce.
Amy Anderson: I don’t think anyone thinks this single mom should sit back and relax. This is a stunning situation.
Lauren: I wonder if Dad knew about this woman’s background. It would seem that if Dad knew he would feel too threatened to stay in this relationship. Or not? Is it possible that Dad simply did not know?
As soon as we have answers to the “dad” questions, we’ll definitely let all of you know.
Twitter @ laurenmli
(I tried to respond from my phone, but I don’t think it worked. If this ends up as a duplicate, I apologize.)
Good point, Dr. Leah. I had responded based on the assumption that the dad knew. If the dad did not know, then I would say that the first thing mom should have done (perhaps she did?) is tell him. And then remove her daughter from the situation until the dad ends the relationship. If the dad does not end the relationship, then I would suggest she take my original advice. I stand by this advice even if there is a chance that the girlfriend “didn’t do it” or there was domestic violence, etc. This is just a girlfriend — not worth even POSSIBLY putting a child in danger or under the influence of “bad” people. Dad needs to put child first and move on. There are other women out there, and it sounds like he doesn’t have a problem finding them, based on the original letter from the mom.
Until further discovery, it may actually be too early for us to be giving advice. Would you agree?
Lauren´s last blog ..An Awesome Little Team
Twitter @ ChasingAmy206
So here’s the finale. Dad DID know about this woman’s history and he simply decided to ignore it. She shot her husband in the head over a credit card application and there was NO hisotry of domesstic violence ever reported. He did not touch her on that day. It was 5:28pm in the evening and 3 children were in the next room of their trailer. There is no “oh poor girl” to be had here. There simply is no excuse. It was cold, it was in front of her children and it was murder.
Dad stands by her fully. She had been released this summer after spending 6.2 years of her 7.5 year sentence. The restraining order was entered today prohibiting dad from allowing our child near this woman. He may carry on with her as he sees fit, but no longer in the presence of my child. She got out of prison after killing her husband and jumped into a relationship with the first man that she attracted. The children (3 girls ages 9 & 11) were introduced IMMEDIATELY as they attend the same school. All dates are “group” dates with the children. My concern was that dad will eventually have an altercation with this woman (she has a very emotionally explosive past) and it would of course occur in front of the children.
I did extensive research and between my attorney, the internet and public court records was able to discover all details about this woman’s history. I even was able to call her probation officer and get more info.
I had a feeling something was up with this newest girlfriend and I did a google search, that’s all and I’m so happy I am the nosey mother that I am.
I stand by my feeling that if the gender roles were reversed this person would still be in prison and not living with the children in her mother’s home. The school would have taken it more seriously as well.(She was allowed to attend a field trip recently with all the kids). She’s free and clear walking in and out of my child’s school, dating, creating her facebook page, lunching with the church social moms as if she did nothing. It’s infuriating and makes me truly sick how easy society is on this type of “crime of passion”. He was a person a father of 4, he’s gone and seems like he’s totally forgotten by her, and by society.
Twitter @ laurenmli
Amy,
Great instincts on your part! Your situation is proof positive that as moms, we have to listen to our gut when it comes to our children. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this extremely stressful and scary situation.
In a discussion with an acquaintance recently, I mentioned that one of the biggest challenges a single parent faces is relinquishing parental influence and supervision while your child is with the other parent. Your situation takes this challenge to a whole new level.
I’m curious if the restraining order alone satisfies you, or if you are in agreement with my most recent comment, in which I suggest that your daughter’s father has proven himself unfit due to his poor decision-making on your daughter’s behalf.
What will you do next? How can we (other single parents reading this) support you?
If you’re interested in discussing further offline, you can find my email through the blog link a the end of my comment.
Lauren´s last blog ..Blog, Blog, Blog
Twitter @ ChasingAmy206
Thanks for your support Lauren. It’s complicated as we share custody and it’s truly up to a judge to decide if “enough is finally enough” from her father and his poor parenting choices. That really is the core of my shock here. The parenting investigator on our case is going to investigate and report to the court on her findings. Due to numerous other smaller offenses on his behalf she may be finally ready to say “Ok this guy has no parenting compass” and make that recommendation. Without it my daughter is at his mercy really and I am always going to be on the alert and ready to pounce. It’s truly exhausting to be the private investigator that I have to be for her. It’s all up to some strangers perception of what is and isn’t acceptable and unfortunately these folks see such atrociousness every day that this may seem minor to her or to the judge. He happens to live in a high crime county as well where this is not so unusual compared to where I reside. We as parents just have to listen to that gut instinct and follow it when we can. I chose a person with no moral standing to lie down with. Lesson learned.
Amy Anderson: Thanks so much for keeping all of us posted on the emerging details of this horrific parenting challenge. We’re stunned that Dad knew of her background. We assumed—or may-be just hoped — that he simply liked what he saw . . . and didn’t ask much beyond that. You’re certainly not alone in realizing that the person you chose was simply not the person you deserved.
Lauren: You contributed so much insight to this conversation. We’re grateful. And we’re mulling over what you said about losing supervisory control over your kids when they are with the other parent.
Twitter @ http://www.nosinglemamadrama.wordpress.com
Wow!
I think it depends on the crime. Violent crimes, sex offenses, etc. – I’m having a major problem with. A person with a trespassing charge that was never in trouble before or after is totally different.
I would, however, voice my concern and ask that my children not interact with the girlfriend, if at all possible, given the circumstance.
Is the father crazy? Why would you want to date someone that has killed her former spouse–especially in front of her own children–mind blowing.
Ms. No Single Mama Drama´s last blog ..Tiger Woods: Is Elin Preparing for Single Mommyhood?
I stayed with a woman 17 years who had an explosive temper, threatened to kill me or have me killed. She stole thousands of dollars from two different employers, is wanted by law enforcement in two states, she forged my name on loan and credit apps, hooked scammers into our bank accounts multiple times against my wishes, totally sabotaged my credit blah blah blah.
She had numerous lesbian affairs behind my back and is close friends with a man who did time for murder.
Did I shoot her? No. Left her in the dust. And get this – Facebook is allowing that convicted murderer to contact my kids. According to Facebook, parents have no rights to protect their minor children. I’ve sent numerous e-mails, made phone calls (facebook always hangs up on me) and even sent an e-mail to Mr. Zuckerberg. No response.
@Richard Hartley This is really distressing for so many reasons. Does anyone have a suggestion on what other options he might explore?
Twitter @ laurenmli
@Richard Hartley First and foremost, I would say that your kids should not be allowed to use Facebook before 18. While I’m sorry that you are in such a stressful situation, I am going to be frank. It is your job as a parent to protect your children, not Facebook’s. Your kids need limits, and this is one of those times where they need you to set and enforce rules to protect their wellbeing, not to let them do something because their friends are doing it. That’s just my opinion, I suppose, but seems an obvious solution nonetheless.
Lauren´s last blog ..You Won’t Find It Here