Dealing with a Disneyland Dad
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Dads
If you’ve been coming to Singlemommyhood recently, you’ve probably run across a comment by Fred Campos, from Daddy Got Custody. Although you most likely know him as @FullCustodyDad
When we recently wrote about “My kid returns home dirty. Help!” we heard from many of you who deal with an ex who is more like a playmate than a parent.
Because Fred runs a business to help fathers in custody situations, we asked if he might dive deeper into this dilemma, and he gladly offered to shed some more light:
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I have had full custody of my wonderful 10 year old daughter for the last six years. I also have two school age kids (and one on the way).
My wife and I have a very structured, organized, and well-run family. We have calendars of planned activities, pre-decided well balanced meals, homework places at the table, reading logs, and regularly scheduled bedtimes.
However, every other year we take a major vacation and go to Disney World or some other exciting place and do the unthinkable. I let the kids sleep in the same bed, eat out several times a day–extremely fattening food–stay up late, sometimes they even miss a bath, and I give them unexpected gifts.
Why do I do this? I dedicate this time to spend 24/7 with my kids. I love and miss them very much when I have to work a lot, and vacations are my time to break the rules. We all look forward to it!
Let’s consider a traveling father in a nuclear family who comes home from his out of town work, kisses his wife, sneaks into his kids’ bedrooms and wakes them up. He pulls out gifts he bought, loads them into the car in pajamas and takes them to get a big fat banana split.
His wife says, “Honey, it’s an hour past their bedtime. They don’t need the sugar and they have school in the morning.”
He says, “Yeah, but I missed them.”
She smiles, he leaves, and she thinks to herself, “He’s such a good daddy. He misses our kids. I’ll get them back on schedule tomorrow.” She forgives him and gives him some grace.
Non-custodial parents are often hurting, missing their kids and wanting to make up for lost time. They want to enjoy the kids and we, the structured custodial parents, are bitter about “getting them back on schedule tomorrow.”
We vent to the ex, who responds with vindictiveness. You see the pattern here: manipulation, revenge, and selfishness (perhaps on both sides).
I am by NO means excusing the repeated behavior of the ex. Vacations DO NOT last forever. Exes need to come back from vacation and work on being good co-parents.
Both sides, however, need to recognize the “Disneyland Parent Syndrome” and break the pattern.
Are you and your ex caught in this cycle?
Is the “other parent” a Disneyland Parent? How do you deal with this problem?
What’s the best way to handle it?
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I’ve been on both sides of this coin and learned a lot over the last 5 years. I’ll tell you that it’s not always what it seems from the other side. Anger and resentment can blur the truth and make the innocent appear malicious.
The term “Disneyland Parent” implies that the other parent is the play parent and not really parenting. To me it also implies that other parent is somewhat useless. This is a term used by a resentful, possibly over burdened custodial parent. It may be partially true of that other parent, but is it really so bad? OMG…he’s/she’s having FUN with your child? THE SHAME!
Try and see through the resentment and the bitterness for a moment to think about it from their side. Do they have homework they aren’t doing? Often on the weekends they do not, so that parent isn’t necessarily ignoring homework. Are they being allowed to stay up past bedtime? Possibly, but again they are probably not going to school the next day. Are they eating a bit more junk food? Again, quite possibly, but are we talking about 2-5 days out of the month? I believe that us adults are quite guilty of that ourselves. What I’m trying to say is life for everyone involved would be so much easier, more peaceful and less stressed for your kids if you could let this go.
This is more about the custodial parent’s resentment, bitterness etc than it truly is about our kids being harmed in some way. When they get older they will have fond memories of both parents. They aren’t going to like the “play parent” more than you. They aren’t going to turn into “play parents” themselves if they have a strong sense of themselves and responsibility. They may however be better functioning, happier, fuller adults that aren’t as stressed out about pleasing both sides.
Also please try to keep in mind that there are so many kids whose other parent walked away. We have all heard the stories of pain and anger from that spectrum. We as single parents are not going to get the ideal situation for ourselves until we make it so.
Recently my child’s father (whom I dislike greatly) said to me “You really hate me don’t you?” With a sly smile. I responded with “You know what today I don’t want you under a bus.” He chuckled and said “Well that’s a start.” And you know what, it was. Every day my goal is just to give him enough wiggle room that I don’t want him under that bus. Not for me, but for our little girl. Things are getting easier, friendlier, less angry the more I just let the little annoyances (my issues) go. I can’t control his behavior, I can’t control his parenting. I can control mine. Keep telling yourself that every day.
Try being the Disneyland Parent yourself sometimes. It’s fun and your kids will appreciate you letting go at home.
Twitter @ http://cassjustcurious.com
This is something I’m afraid of. That I will be the rule maker, with structure and meal plans and homework time and bedtime….and he will be the fun parent. He won’t have the insight of how beneficial schedule, routine and boundaries are. And I know that he misses her – and thus it’s easy to pepper her with every delicious fun thing out there. I guess I just don’t know how I can expect this to work well for both of us?
How do I navigate this?
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
This is one area, that I have had to make sure I don’t fall into. I’ve decided (and I’ve had to make conscious efforts) to be just regular dad. the vacation-ism’ need to be when your on vacation not when they are with you. You have to maintain a structured home.
The things I do that are fun? Well we do activities but they will end at an appropriate time. The food will still be healthy, and then when the kids leave they know they are loved.
I see Disneyland Dad’s as being desperate to make up for lost time. To be “awesome” all the time. Your kids will not know how awesome you truly are until they can witness you in peaceful and meaningful environment. All the fun of events, eating junk food, eating out will be just remembered as that, just fun.
And they will come to a point when they will recognize that you are trying to over-compensate for real love.
Travis´s last blog ..You’ve Been Stretched To The Limits
Cass: We’ve all asked ourselves that question …how do I navigate this? Short answer – you’ll figure it out and it’ll be okay. This community honors us every day with the thoughtful, caring, and helpful advice our readers offer. Please visit us often. And feel free to ask for any specific advice you need.
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
I completely (but respectfully) disagree with Cass. I think the problem here is there is no one scenario, and so the problem and response could be quite different.
To the “oh my god, he’s having fun with my child” issue, my response is, it is harmful. My sone takes several days to get back on schedule once he has gotten off. This makes him have a hard time at school, it affects my ability to fulfill my obligations when I have to work for 2 hours to get him to bed, instead of the regular 20 minutes.
Being the disneyland parent is usualy a symptom and not the disease. In my ex’s case, he lives 30 minutes away, he could choose to be active regularly in his child’s life, but doesn’t. So when he shows up after not calling for weeks/months or returning my communications about his son and is the “fun parent” I am livid. Not because I’m worried about my burden, but because he is teaching my son his irresponsibility. Because he creates these monumental moments that leave my son dreaming of the “perfect” father, and then disappears for long periods, causing self-doubt, despair, etc in my son. Because it does interfere with both my son’s and my day to day functionality and productivity.
Parent-child relationships are the foundation for all relationships. So when the Disneyland parent neglects the child and then brings them terrible food, keeps the up late, and takes them to every fun over-the top thing there is, then you set up the expectation that in their future relationships, neglect is ok as long as ocassional big shows are made, that junk food and over spending make up for lack of love and comittment. So many negative psychological things come out of this Disneylany parent behaviour.
Samantha´s last blog ..Filling Up My Life
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Disneyland Dad? I wish it were that easy. Instead I’m “bad cop” and my ex is “good cop”. By this I mean my parenting is undermined on a very regular basis. When I restrict my kids for whatever reason, i.e.; they can’t do something they want, they will call their father and complain. He in turn gives them sympathy, tells them I’m controlling and will come to their “rescue”. He loves to play the hero. He NEVER supports me or my rules and boundaries for them but encourages them to be dismissive of me and run to him to bail them out. So, among other things, they’ve learned to manipulate him – they will fib to get him to do what they want by telling him I wont do it, like if they need a ride somewhere but I can’t take them right WHEN they want they will tell their father I wont at all and he will fall for it and be the hero. It does nothing toward teaching the kids values. Not to mention when they are with him, he buys them everything they could want, takes them on trips, etc. – all things I CANT do thanks to him and all the legal fees he generates.
Exes suck.
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Hoop Earrings, Cougars & Dick
My kid needs routine more than the average kid because he deals with autism. In fact, he often dislikes vacations because his routine is upset. The ex has never understood his disorder and will often over-plan activities (overstimulating), or alternatively, fob him off on his girlfriend. His meds are completely screwed up sometimes, too, and his diet is all wacky. I understand some of what FullCustody Dad is saying, but on the other hand, kids need routine (especially on weeknights, regardless of your marital status).
I don’t really get my hackles up because half the time, the ex cancels. The kid is 8 and already sees through his dad’s lame attempts at “making up” for not really ever being there.
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
As we can see this opens up so many issues and emotions, and Samantha is right this is a “symptom” a of a bigger problem. I am not advocating letting the Ex off the hook all the time, but pick your battles and consider that your response may be the reaction the Ex is looking for. Thus don’t perpetuate the problem.
There are times when it becomes an “extreme problem” and legal or other action may be required. What is an “extreme problem”? Well unless the child is in direct danger, it really has to be extreme. My Disneyland Ex didn’t lose school overnight, until she didn’t bring my daughter to school her 36th Friday (yes she missed that many full days of school before the 4th grade) then the courts intervened. I share that with you to gain a perspective of what REALLY extreme look like. Courts won’t change anything if it happens one, two, or ten times.
The next issue is we feel that we get into a “good cop/bad cop” as Mindy put it, or “rule maker/fun parent” as Cass is afraid of. Be the good consistent parent and don’t worry about the other side. Stay the course and don’t be distracted and get caught up in this game. Over time, kids learn the truth and wise up.
Anna, been in your shoes too. There was a year when my Ex missed a lot of her weekends. It got so bad that changes or weekends were never mentioned to my daughter because I didn’t know if the Ex would really show up. I found not letting my daughter expect it and dealing with the surprise was far easier than dealing with the constant disappointment. Document it if it’s extreme, otherwise expect it and deal with it accordingly.
Non-custodial parents, stop this too! You may get the satisfaction of a vacation weekend, but good parent teaches their kids how to live and function in the real world not just in the Mickey Mouse Club.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..Buy or Clean a Coat & Tie Suit Prior to Court. Tip #295
Twitter @ http://www.preexistingconditions.wordpress.com
I’m with Cass. My ex just moved away, breaking a 50-50 arrangement that had been working really well for years. Now he’ll be Vacation Dad, and I’m terrified that they’ll associate me with rules and him with fun in the sun, late nights, weird meals, etc. I also wonder every time I yell if they secretly wish they were with Dad instead.
But as my friends keep telling me … if I dwell on this, I’ll go nuts. They are kind, thoughtful girls, 7 and 9; I have to just be the best mom I can, and trust them to understand that.
Beth´s last blog ..Backbeat
I’m in the same boat Beth. I had a 50/50 arrangement as well and now I’m the primary caretaker. My kids are doing great. They thrive on the consistency I provide and we do fun stuff too. Of course there are rules but I also choose my battles. She’s “vacation mom” but they are so excited to be home when they return that I know I’m doing something right. The only thing I ever worry about on their trips is safety and they call me all the time. Even at 8 they are old enough to see who really makes them a priority and spends the time and effort to be there for them.
If you’ve ever watched “The New Adventures of Old Christine” they had a show all about the dad having the “fun house”. After a long argument he says, “I have to have the fun house because you know what he calls your house?… He calls it ‘Home’.”
My dad was a Disneyland dad for a while because that’s all he really knew how to be at the time. My mom made him stop and we saw a lot less of him after that so it’s definitely a tricky thing to deal with.
Perhaps we should look at this in the bigger picture…you have a society that screams at fathers to be more involved…and if they are involved…we scream at them for having fun with their kids. If there is an in between to a “deadbeat dad” and a “Disneyland dad,” I’ve never heard the media mention it. If someone hates you, then they use the children against you. If you don’t show up, your a Deadbeat Dad, if you do, you’re a Disneyland Dad. Quite convenient actually that we have horrific names for him no matter what kind of father he is. I guess we could reverse and name Deadbeat Mom, or Disneyland Mom, but the media just doesn’t have a field day with those for some reason.
If the non-custodial parent did everything the way the custodial parent wanted, they’d probably still be married. Statistics show that 70% of the ones who end up being the custodial parents are usually the ones that filed for a divorce. And most of them are “No-fault.” Since all research shows that two parents are in the best interest of the children, then any parent that files for a no-fault divorce is selfish to begin with. Usually, the selfish person gets the kids…but that is not enough. We as a society find names we can call the non-custodial parent so they can reassert their dominance and superiority complex post-divorce. It is actually a continued form of domestic violence…using the children to stay in control of the others actions.
You both brought children into the world. If either of you want more of a reason to dislike the other, think about the children…but of course, only after you file for a no-fault divorce. THAT doesn’t have to be a part of poor parenting, does it?
A Father: Thanks so much for joining our conversation. Dads’ perspectives are always welcome here. Please visit us again.