Is your ex getting remarried?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Featured, Relationships, Single Moms
Over the recent holidays, a few of you wrote to us about some unwelcome holiday surprises:
First, there was this email that left us reeling:
It came from a mother who has been divorced for six years from her ex. Fortunately, her ex-husband has been there for their kids. In fact, “we’ve talked about reconciling, even though we’ve been seeing other people.”
On December 24, however, she got this shock: “My ex and my children gave me my wedding album for Christmas.”
Say what?
As it turns out, this was her ex’s way of telling her that he was getting remarried — although he didn’t quite have the words to tell her the truth.
“On Christmas Day, after we’d celebrated together with our kids, I got a call that night from his girlfriend. She told me that she and my ex had gotten engaged on Christmas EVE!”
Then, we shook our heads when we read this email:
It was from a single mom whose kids came back after a holiday visit with their father. “I was unpacking the kids’ stuff from their holiday visit with Dad when I saw that all the gift tags had his name — and the soon-to-be new wife.”
When I asked him about this, he told me that thought that showering the kids with gifts jointly would make them ‘instantly love’ her.”
Lastly, we were a bit taken aback by this thoughtful comment on our site from a remarried single mom:
“Tonight when my five-year-old daughter said, ‘Guess what? I’m going to have a step mom!’ all of those old feelings of abandonment — ones I thought had faded away long ago — came bubbling back to the surface. I think I was more astounded at having those feelings than I was at the news of his supposedly pending remarriage.”
This is incredibly honest. Hearing about the remarriage of your ex – even if you’ve found love again – can stir up such strong feelings.
This leaves us wondering:
Did you experience similar emotional pain when your ex remarried?
Did you cope with feelings of abandonment? Or suddenly feel lonely or insecure?
Do these feelings eventually dissipate?
Or do these feelings stay with us as part of our life experience?
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Photo courtesy of loanis P. Skaltsas via Flickr
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Twitter @ YOC8040
If my ex ever remarries, I’m going to be feeling pity for that poor girl and concern for my son, and that’s about it. Zero residual feelings here.
Cat´s last blog ..Weekend
These stories make my heart sink. Not being told directly just has to make it feel worse.
Cat’s comment is so funny! I still feel guilty that I didn’t ‘warn’ my ex’s wife before she married him. I told my mother I wanted to caution the fiance and she told me I’d be better off with the ex being some else’s problem.
Twitter @ spingleparenttvl
My ex remarried, re-divorced, and may be on the road to remarriage again. Certainly as parents, we need to know, but I am not sure we need to know in advance. We are divorced and living separate lives.
As long as a parent is responsible when bringing in the new spouse–dating for a period of time, easing into a relationship as opposed to hey Billy and Betty here’s your new mom–it is fine. Kids have much more resiliency than we give them credit for.
I admit when my ex remarried, there was a feeling of being “replaced” both as the father of my kids and to a lot lesser degree as the “spouse” although we were indeed ex spouses. But that was short lived. The kids know who their mother or father is and that becomes clear to all parties involved.
I recall a doctors appt for a check up with the kids. My ex and I were there together and the doc asked about how the whole remarriage was going and my ex said she was upset because the kids did not respect her husband of a few months. The doc said “and they shouldn’t”. SHe explained that she turned their world upside down and now brought a stranger (to them) into the home and now expected them to give the same respect they show to their parents who were there for them forever. The doc said that until the marriage is 18 months old, he should be treated like a valued baby sitter. Tell the kids to listen to him. If they don;t he reports it back and mom doles out the consequences. She was not pleased with this answer because she felt that with a marriage license comes respect–not so. It is earned.
The kids never really got along with him because the respect was never really returned.
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
My son came up to me over Christmas, hey Dad, guess what?
“What?”
Well I’m not supposed to tell you, but I think good news should be shared, don’t you?
Well, yes. So let’s hear it, what’s the good news? [ Gut kick feeling ]
“Mom and Rainman* are getting married.”
Well that is great news. I’m not sure why she wouldn’t want that shared. And don’t worry, your fine. I’m glad you told me. [ Secrets? Already? ]
So I played it up, since I don’t want my kids to start questioning if they should tell me things. But it was a gut kick, and not that I really cared, I don’t, but it reminded me, that while she got to play Godzilla to the marriage, she happily went to someone else, while I was still trying to sort out all the crap.
Oh, well, it’s Christmas… It’s bound to happen. He is a decent enough guy.
Rainmain* Not his real name
Travis´s last blog ..She’s In Love With Heaven Above
“Certainly as parents, we need to know, but I am not sure we need to know in advance. We are divorced and living separate lives.”
That’s really the bottom line. As long as one’s ex-spouse remains a loving parent, and as long as the new spouse can accept the role of trustworthy step-parent, the rest is personal, in my opinion. And by personal, I mean not my business.
Anything else means you haven’t really let go, and hanging on to a dead and buried marriage isn’t healthy for anyone. Especially not the kids.
Twitter @ SassafrassJess
These stories are heart-sinking and certainly a fear of my own. After getting some good advice from a single dad on a very bad date (at least something was salvaged there), I met with my ex and asked him to shake hands on an agreement about introducing our son to significant others. I saw this as a preemptive strike on my part but approached him like it was a deal in both of our best interests.
He’d previously introduced our son to his girlfriend (yes, a big part of the reason the marriage ended) at an inappropriately early time. But when I brought up the idea that our son would need some prep before meeting a significant other and that I thought he’d appreciate knowing about that before our son did, his eyes widened. Honestly, I don’t think it had occurred to him that I might actually meet and be with someone else and that it might impact his life as well.
So we shook hands on it. It remains to be seen whether or not that will happen. At least on his end. But I will definitely uphold my end of the bargain when the time and person is right.
For now, I just hope that potential marriage is a long time off and choose to be reassured by the deal we have.
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
I was concerned when my ex got remarried. Not because he was getting remarried, but because of *who* he was marrying: a woman who is a self-proclaimed child hater. Why, as a single parent, would you choose to marry someone who you know DOES NOT LIKE CHILDREN?!
I had some fantastic step-parents as a child (and some terrible ones), and I’d hoped for better for my son.
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
Oh – and I found out because my ex posted a bunch of nasty myspace status updates about it. He was getting a lot of flack from his mother and other family and friends, who were expressing concern about the soon-to-be-wife’s step-mothering abilities. He took out his frustration on myspace.
I did my best to sincerely congratulate him the next time I saw him, and he unleashed a barrage of defensive foul-mouthed insults at me. It was delightful.
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
Man, man tough stuff!
I’ll start by saying I agree with Elise’s comment… “Certainly as parents, we need to know, but I am not sure we need to know in advance. We are divorced and living separate lives.”
As the parents doing the re-marrying, respectfully we should be the one to tell the other parent before the kids do. That said, it needs to be done quickly, factual and to the point without–editorials, feelings or discussions. “Guess what I have found the girl of my dreams to REPLACE you!” WRONG!
If you cannot say it nicely a small quick note like this: “Cindy, quick note to let you know Karen and I will be getting married on 07/27/01. I wanted to let know know before I tell the kids.”
If you are receiving this information, cordial “Congratulations” are in order and leave it at that. If you HATE your Ex consider this: There is a good chance this person will be better than your Ex and probably good for your kids. Your Ex needs help anyway–right?
Despite Disney’s depiction of step-parents, most try harder and work hard to be instant parent and not substitutes for the real parents. I don’t agree with John that they are a “valued babysitters,” but I do agree with the pediatrician that it will take some time before the step-parent gains footing and respect. Consider this, you may be gaining a helper to aid in communicating and providing for your kids.
Does it hurt? Sure. “What can this *new* person do in a relationship that I didn’t?” May cross your mind. However, it does get better with time. And maybe, just maybe, you get to a point where you really want your Ex to be happy with someone else. I grew up and still have TWO great step-parents–and I am all the better for it!
Twitter @ EHal76
Fred — You’re right on re: most stepparents. Few things will make a stepparent madder than treating them like a babysitter.
I’m a Stepmom and while my husband’s ex-wife wasn’t thrilled she found out he and I were getting married, she now considers me the best thing to result in their divorce. We’re actually pretty good friends now and co-parent as a team.
In our 6 1/2 years together, we’ve all bonded and realized we’re in this — all of us — together.
My ex has remarried twice. The first one had young kids at home, knew that wouldn’t last. The latest does as well so their solution: they don’t live together. Do I care? No, not really. Makes me realize how desperate some women are. Do I want to get with someone? Pretty much. Hopeful but not optimistic.
Twitter @ notthecar
I found out my ex was getting remarried when I got a 2 page letter from the girl he left me for mailed to my house. She went on about how she was marrying him and taking him far, far away from me, our daughter, and his family. I was livid. Not only because she knew where I lived, but because at the time he was marrying her every time me and my ex spoke it was a screaming match, and she brought up the need to get far away from our baby. The level of rage I felt that evening was epic level and I cried like a baby because while I knew our relationship was a wrap, realizing he was going to be on of THOSE dads broke my heart.
It took a while to get past it and looking back I find it funny because he left her last year, for a woman that pushes him to be a good father. His now 2nd ex was left in the same style as me so she should have seen it coming, the only difference is they never had children together.
Welcome, Kia, and thanks for sharing your story. You definitely do see a pattern in this behavior …#2 was foolish to think it would not happen to her. We wish YOU the very best. Please visit us again soon.
Twitter @ spingleparenttvl
Just a clarification, it was the pediatrician who said to treat the guy like a valued babysitter. And it was for a finite time–18 months. The gist was–you have uprooted your child’s life with a divorce and now you run the risk of doing it again with a remarriage. UNTIL the step parent has been there and earned the respect and trust of the kids, that the role of a “parent” needs to fall solely on the bio-mom or dad.
John Frenaye´s last blog ..Friday Food For Thought
Twitter @ http://www.singlemomsaves.com
Well, my ex may be getting remarried. When he first told me about his girlfriend about two years ago, I knew she’d be his next wife, and now it looks as though they will probably go down that road. i’m really happy for both of them. i’m glad my ex found someone more compatible with him, and i’m glad that my son will have a very loving stepmother. i also really like the girlfriend. we’re actually one big happy family right now, which is great.
the one thing i don’t like is the getting married part…as in, the wedding. My ex and i had a civil ceremony at city hall, and just the thought of him having an actual wedding with her really bothers me. i don’t think i’d be able to attend if i get invited.
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@Mydria: Bravo to you for being so open and positive about your husband’s new future wife. We really understand those feelings re: wondering why he’s throwing a wedding the second time. How’s your son doing with all the plans?
I’ll admit I was angry when my children’s father said he’d met someone, it was serious, and she’d been spending lots of time with our kids. The kicker: he met her two weeks after moving out of the family home, and he waited two months to inform me that she was with him on weekends when the kids came to visit. He clearly told the kids to keep it on the down low. Yes, I am resentful he asked the children to keep secrets from me.
They’re supposed to be getting married whenever as soon as the divorce is finished. Who knows when that will be? It’s been nine months in progress already. I think he’s making a terrible example for the children of how relationships end and begin by dumping one wife and selecting the next within a two-week period, not to mention cohabiting with the new woman in front of children (ages 12 and 14) who know exactly what is going on, while still married to the first wife.
I think his judgment is terrible, and without ever having met this other woman, I think her judgment is terrible also to hook up with a married man who is two weeks out of the family home.
My ex is getting remarried next weekend. We have been divorced for over a year now and I really don’t want him back. However, since he met his fiance he almost refuses to talk to me face to face. The fiance has says that she isn’t trying to replace me as my kids mother, but keeps referring to them as “my girls” on her facebook page. She seems nice enough as a person and I really do wish my ex the best in his new life. It is just hard to see someone else spending more time with my children than I get to and claiming them as hers. I guess I need to just let it go and value the time I do get with my children. I just wish she would back off and just try being their stepmom instead of taking over their lives.