What if your kids don’t like him?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under All, Dating, Featured, Single Moms
Some of you have told us that you started dating again during the holiday season — and we’re thrilled for you!
One divorced mom, however, needs some feedback about her recent romantic complication. Maybe you can relate?
She met this great guy during blind date a few months ago, and now they’re seeing each other exclusively.
“I’ve read every single parent self help book,” she says, “and they all give the same advice: ‘Keep your kids out it.’ ”
“I’ve heeded the advice. When he stayed the night, I planned ahead so the kids were not home.”
In the meantime, she introduced her new man to her closest friends, who gave him an enthusiastic thumbs-up. He seems to match her vision of a life partner – happy at his job, emotionally grounded, close to his family, loves kids. So, it felt right to take the next step:
Last weekend, this single mom introduced him to her kids….
Although they were polite over dinner — but just barely — after her boyfriend left, her son said, “I don’t like him.”
“I don’t either,” her daughter chimed in.
This mother tried her best to get her kids to share more about their feelings. But her son got very upset. “I never want to see him again!” he stomped his feet.
So, we’re wondering:
Have your kids ever told you they don’t like the man you’re seeing?
How did you handle the situation?
(Single dads are welcome to join the conversation – please!)
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(Photo courtesy of Elizabeth Sarah via Flickr)
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I’m sure it’s awfully tempting to introduce your boyfriend to your children within a few months. You like him a lot, it’s more convenient, you want the kids to like him, too. But I don’t think that’s what the books mean — I think the idea is to wait until you can handle the stress of kid issues. Also, of course, to see if he’s someone you want to have a long term relationship with, and that normally takes more than a few months.
There are other factors, as in how adjusted the kids are to their parent’s divorce or separation, whether they are having other issues at school or at home, whether they liked mom’s last boyfriend, if she had one. The age of the children is another factor.
But if this single mom has made a guess that she wants to spend a significant amount of time with this guy for the foreseable future, eventually she might have to tell her kids that.
For the present, maybe it’s best to back off for a while on the kids exposure? When you have children, so much of your life seems to center not solely on romance, but on practicality.
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
I am with Elizabeth. It may just be too soon for them to imagine another man in their lives. I do think you can say to them he’s a friend just like they have friends. Keep in mind that the kids have had to process a lot, parents divorcing, perhaps different living arrangements etc. Introducing someone new may just seem like more change. Back up and enjoy your man without engaging your children for now. But do start having age appropriate conversations about how you plan to move forward with meeting new people and making new friends.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..PERSONAL?
Twitter @ dreampusher
Although it is probable that we would trade our lives for our children’s should crisis arise, that doesn’t mean we should give them our lives. Love, nutritious food, shelter, guidance, education, attention – yes, but not our lives. While the introduction to your new man went badly for you, it was a pretty normal reaction for kids, especially the male variety.
It’s been my experience that even when divorce isn’t involved children want to run your life. You want them to go to bed on time; they think your rules are too harsh. You want them to eat their vegetables; they think you should only serve potatoes and dessert. As for the male reaction to Mom’s dating, after my divorce, my male Cocker Spaniel jumped up in my lap and growled at the guy who had simply given me a ride home from work and stayed for coffee. My kids weren’t even there!
So you introduced him and they expressed their opinions. Thank them for sharing. It is great that they can express their feelings, but strong feelings are just feelings. They’d express strong feelings if you turn the video games off in favor of homework or nixed chocolate pudding for breakfast.
While you may not want to plan a lot of family + boyfriend time for now, talking about him as a normal part of any conversation in which your time away from them comes up would work. Allowing them to express their resentment, their opinions, their fears is healthy. You may learn what is underneath their feelings and have some really important conversations. Letting them dictate how you live your life, however, is a slippery slope to misery all around. Children learn so much more from example. You are many things – you are a mom, you are a professional, you are someone’s daughter, and you are a woman – but above all YOU are the person in charge of your life. That is a wonderful thing to pass on to them.
Twitter @ andrea_mcd
Lyn nailed it. It’s great that the kids shared their feelings, that they feel they can tell you they don’t like him is a good thing. At the same time, they’re kids, and their feelings about him may have nothing to do with him and everything to do with not wanting to see another person take their Dad’s place or not wanting more change in their lives. It may just take time–to get to know him better, see what good things he may bring into their lives, see that they still have the lion’s share of your love and attention and that they are not facing imminent upheaval, and so on.
This can’t be their choice, though. That’s putting too much power in the hands of little kids, I think.
Maybe next time try something a bit more kid-centred and low-key? An afternoon at a park or playground, or something where they can go and do their thing and have fun in your company without it being all about Meeting Mom’s Boyfriend?
I think though if you push your son you may back him into a corner where he feels like he has to hate this guy on principle.
Andrea´s last blog ..What $7B Will Get You: 4% of Ontario’s Electricity Market
Twitter @ MominApt10b
I was raised by a single mom who introduced the serious contenders to my brothers and I. One even lived with us for a while and I especially didn’t like him. Maybe because I was 10-11 at the time. I made it known that I didn’t like him. He wasn’t bad, he just seemed a bit too presumptuous and arrogant to me. He was gainfully employed, well groomed, a good cook, not bad looking.. Whatever it was that he offered my mother (besides companionship) he wasn’t offering it to me and my brothers. And he certainly didn’t turn out to be my mother’s life partner. Maybe it had something to do with us not liking him, maybe it didn’t.
I became a mom at age 31. Made the decision not to get married. But dating & mating isn’t the hard part. The hard part is meeting the RIGHT smelling looking tasting man with BALANCE in his own life that he can bring to mine! And no matter how good he smells tastes looks.. SEEMS RIGHT, isn’t the same as IS RIGHT. If your kids don’t like him.. Then THERE IS NO BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE!
I’ve always said that my child is the deciding factor. Guys are replaceable, she is not. If for what ever reason my daughter doesn’t get his vibe.. Then he doesn’t stand a chance in OUR life. Period.
Mom In Apt. 10b´s last blog ..If you think he’s sexy..
This is a tough one. I think initially most kids will be a bit standoffish to someone new although little kids are a bit more accepting. Definitely a neutral, quick introduction like lunch or a park is better than bringing them into your home for the first meeting. Then you have territory issues. I think a lot of people expect too much from their kids when they first introduce them. By the time you’ve made that decision you’ve probably spent countless hours, days, weeks, even months getting to know this person and have made up your mind about them then your kid(s) are expected to warm up to them instantly and that’s just not how life works. It takes time to build trust and respect and they are typically already on guard.
I agree that children shouldn’t run their parents’ lives but as Mom in Apt 10b says you have to have balance. My son recently told his mom he’d be upset if she brought someone to a party because he wanted to spend time with her and she brought a guy anyway. Then called me upset that our son freaked out when she did. There’s more to it but they had a bad experience with the last guy and now he gets upset if he even hears about her seeing guys, which is the flip side. They feel like she pays less attention to them when she’s dating. There has to be balance and feelings need to be considered on all sides. I think taking it slow helps with that. I’ve said it before but both of my parents married people I’d met maybe 3 times before the ceremonies. In one case it worked out and in the other there were a lot of hard feelings over the years. Timing is important.
Twitter @ dreampusher
I don’t disagree with Mom in Apt 10B when it comes to having someone move in with you and the kids – the decision must be carefully weighed with all included.
However, consider this. My aunt reacted strongly when her widowed mom wanted to marry again (she was 11). Though the other kids liked the guy, she put up such resistance that her mother changed her mind. Don’t know what my grandmother would say if she were alive, but I do know that my aunt regretted breaking up that relationship as soon she became an adult. He went on to marry someone else in the parish and was a great husband, and a good father to his new adopted children. Her mother remained a sweet but quiet widow for the rest of her life.
Twitter @ cubanitabean
I agree with “balance”.
I also think that it has something to do with the circumstances surrounding a relationship.. I have been divorced 2 years, but the X has been gone for 4. He has been with the same person since before he left. My kids do not like her, don’t want her to be part of anything, and the X sort of just pushes her down their throats and does not respect what they have to say.
I have told my children upfront… Mommy is now single and ready to date.. It all comes after the fact.. I think they will be more comfortable.
I don’t think I will wait until I am in LOVE to introduce the kids to the person I am dating.. I think it has to be before that.. I think the person I am dating needs to see me in a setting where I am a mother.. He needs to see me interact with my children.
It has to be honest…. Does this mean they will meet a buch of different men? no.. I don’t forsee me being the dating guru of 2010.. But they will meet a person before it gets heavy…
I think it is ok for the kids to know that I can have male friends the same as female friends..
No sleep overs or anything like that.. All very respectful.
If after everything has been laid on the table and my kids feel that the relationship is something that is bringing them more pain than joy.. Then I would have to re evaluate that relationship…
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
So been there as a kid and an adult! Let me start by saying when I was 8 and 10 I threw a fit when my parents (who divorced when I was six) remarried later on. Looking back on it, I think it was very silly. The issue going through my mind was… “This separation is really over, my real mom and real dad are REALLY not getting back together. Therefore I will hate anybody who tries to replace them.” It wasn’t personal for me, I was just scared of change.
Thank God my parents were not kid centric and didn’t consider my feelings!
My step-parents turned out to be EXCELLENT people in my life and still are today.
As single parents are kids become our world and it is easy to get caught in a kid centric trap.
My kids are wonderful, but I don’t solicit deep long term retirement investment decisions from them even though it will affect them financially years from now. “Caitlyn you’re 10, what do you think, should we stay with the Janus Fund or go with the Orion Fund during this economy? Should I make this career move or that one?” There are reasons we don’t let kids vote until their 18, drive until their 16. They don’t have enough life experience and objectivity to make those decisions. Your remarrying decision should certainly be in that category.
Consult your very close adult friends, see what your “brain trust” circle says–but leave your kids out of it.
Remember long term… kids leave, spouses stay.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..Be the Better Parent – My Story!
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@Andrea: That’s a great idea re: doing something more kid-centered and low-key when/if you decide to introduce your kids to the new person in your life.
A sit down dinner might be TOO much pressure for everyone. Thanks!
Twitter @ YOC8040
I honestly have no idea. My brother, sister, and I never liked my dad’s girlfriends (we were teenagers)- but primarily because we knew that once they started dating, they would be married in 3 months and divorced again a year after that. There was no point in making an effort to befriend someone who would be gone soon.
But at these kids age… I guess it depends on their history, their relationship with their dad, how long it’s been since the divorce, all kinds of factors. I don’t think she should stop seeing him. Maybe drop him into conversation more frequently, do as Andrea said and get them all at the park or something, but above all give it time to sink in. It’s likely that they’re reacting to the change in the status quo he represents, not him. Keep it separate a bit longer. Give them time to get used to the idea. Just because you’ve been seeing him for a while doesn’t mean they’ve been pondering the idea and growing to accept it. This is new for them.
If there’s anything I could go back in time and beat into my dad’s head, this would be it.
Cat´s last blog ..Online Dating
Twitter @ http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com
Hi-
I think I would back off on the mixed events for a few weeks and then maybe try some things that are not so intense as a dinner at your house. My daughter and I met my boyfriend at the zoo one sunny afternoon – it was the 1st time she met him (she was 7). There was lots of activity around us and it wasn’t like “he” was in “our” territory. It wasn’t threatening and we made certain to end it in 2 hours or less.
As we dated more and she saw that he was sticking around, I did get push back from her and I’ve always welcomed her to be open with me. It’s SO tough though (see my post “When Your Kids Question Who You Date at http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com/2009/12/02/when-kids-question-who-you-date/ ). But keep talking to them so you can understand if there’s anything legitimate there.
I have to say the crucial point for me is this: does the person I am dating fit in/try to fit/care about how my daughter feels? If not, I wouldn’t stay in the relationship. I’m very committed to good, loving parenting and I know I need someone who understands that. I feel so fortunate to be dating a man who cares enough about me and my daughter to really try to build a relationship with her. Have you shared your kids feelings with this man? What was his reaction?
AS a side note, my boyfriend’s daughters are 15 and 21 – and it’s taking a much longer time for them to accept me! It’s very sensitive to share “dad” – but I’m equally committed to keep at it and I think we are making progress. It’s often a test of patience – and it’s important for my boyfriend and I to communicate A LOT. But it’s working.
My best to you!
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage written by married couple, Drs. Lawrence Birnbach and Beverly Hyman (Book Review)
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
It doesn’t sound like they hate him, but the idea of him. You definitely want to make sure the introductions are in a neutral zone. So they can start to see his unique characteristics. It’s all about time and place.
Travis´s last blog ..I Woke Up This Morning… But, I Couldn’t Get Out Of Bed
Twitter @ maryileen72
Women’s intuition should kick in. When my daughter met my boyfried she didn’t like him. That wasn’t the problem. I could “feel” that he didn’t like her very much either. Whether he couldn’t relate to kids or he felt defensive, hurt or impatient didn’t matter to me. I ended that relationship. It’s important to remember that we’re the grown ups. We make the decisions in our lives and our children’s lives. They are our priority. If a potential mate cannot be a “grown up” with you, then keep him away. You already have kids to raise.