What if your kids don’t like him?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Dating, Single Moms
Some of you have told us that you started dating again during the holiday season — and we’re thrilled for you!
One divorced mom, however, needs some feedback about her recent romantic complication. Maybe you can relate?
She met this great guy during blind date a few months ago, and now they’re seeing each other exclusively.
“I’ve read every single parent self help book,” she says, “and they all give the same advice: ‘Keep your kids out it.’ ”
“I’ve heeded the advice. When he stayed the night, I planned ahead so the kids were not home.”
In the meantime, she introduced her new man to her closest friends, who gave him an enthusiastic thumbs-up. He seems to match her vision of a life partner – happy at his job, emotionally grounded, close to his family, loves kids. So, it felt right to take the next step:
Last weekend, this single mom introduced him to her kids….
Although they were polite over dinner — but just barely — after her boyfriend left, her son said, “I don’t like him.”
“I don’t either,” her daughter chimed in.
This mother tried her best to get her kids to share more about their feelings. But her son got very upset. “I never want to see him again!” he stomped his feet.
So, we’re wondering:
Have your kids ever told you they don’t like the man you’re seeing?
How did you handle the situation?
(Single dads are welcome to join the conversation – please!)
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(Photo courtesy of Elizabeth Sarah via Flickr)
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Twitter @ Wallacewiter
I’m sure it’s awfully tempting to introduce your boyfriend to your children within a few months. You like him a lot, it’s more convenient, you want the kids to like him, too. But I don’t think that’s what the books mean — I think the idea is to wait until you can handle the stress of kid issues. Also, of course, to see if he’s someone you want to have a long term relationship with, and that normally takes more than a few months.
There are other factors, as in how adjusted the kids are to their parent’s divorce or separation, whether they are having other issues at school or at home, whether they liked mom’s last boyfriend, if she had one. The age of the children is another factor.
But if this single mom has made a guess that she wants to spend a significant amount of time with this guy for the foreseable future, eventually she might have to tell her kids that.
For the present, maybe it’s best to back off for a while on the kids exposure? When you have children, so much of your life seems to center not solely on romance, but on practicality.
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
I am with Elizabeth. It may just be too soon for them to imagine another man in their lives. I do think you can say to them he’s a friend just like they have friends. Keep in mind that the kids have had to process a lot, parents divorcing, perhaps different living arrangements etc. Introducing someone new may just seem like more change. Back up and enjoy your man without engaging your children for now. But do start having age appropriate conversations about how you plan to move forward with meeting new people and making new friends.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..PERSONAL?
Twitter @ dreampusher
Although it is probable that we would trade our lives for our children’s should crisis arise, that doesn’t mean we should give them our lives. Love, nutritious food, shelter, guidance, education, attention – yes, but not our lives. While the introduction to your new man went badly for you, it was a pretty normal reaction for kids, especially the male variety.
It’s been my experience that even when divorce isn’t involved children want to run your life. You want them to go to bed on time; they think your rules are too harsh. You want them to eat their vegetables; they think you should only serve potatoes and dessert. As for the male reaction to Mom’s dating, after my divorce, my male Cocker Spaniel jumped up in my lap and growled at the guy who had simply given me a ride home from work and stayed for coffee. My kids weren’t even there!
So you introduced him and they expressed their opinions. Thank them for sharing. It is great that they can express their feelings, but strong feelings are just feelings. They’d express strong feelings if you turn the video games off in favor of homework or nixed chocolate pudding for breakfast.
While you may not want to plan a lot of family + boyfriend time for now, talking about him as a normal part of any conversation in which your time away from them comes up would work. Allowing them to express their resentment, their opinions, their fears is healthy. You may learn what is underneath their feelings and have some really important conversations. Letting them dictate how you live your life, however, is a slippery slope to misery all around. Children learn so much more from example. You are many things – you are a mom, you are a professional, you are someone’s daughter, and you are a woman – but above all YOU are the person in charge of your life. That is a wonderful thing to pass on to them.
Twitter @ andrea_mcd
Lyn nailed it. It’s great that the kids shared their feelings, that they feel they can tell you they don’t like him is a good thing. At the same time, they’re kids, and their feelings about him may have nothing to do with him and everything to do with not wanting to see another person take their Dad’s place or not wanting more change in their lives. It may just take time–to get to know him better, see what good things he may bring into their lives, see that they still have the lion’s share of your love and attention and that they are not facing imminent upheaval, and so on.
This can’t be their choice, though. That’s putting too much power in the hands of little kids, I think.
Maybe next time try something a bit more kid-centred and low-key? An afternoon at a park or playground, or something where they can go and do their thing and have fun in your company without it being all about Meeting Mom’s Boyfriend?
I think though if you push your son you may back him into a corner where he feels like he has to hate this guy on principle.
Andrea´s last blog ..What $7B Will Get You: 4% of Ontario’s Electricity Market
Twitter @ mominapt10b
I was raised by a single mom who introduced the serious contenders to my brothers and I. One even lived with us for a while and I especially didn’t like him. Maybe because I was 10-11 at the time. I made it known that I didn’t like him. He wasn’t bad, he just seemed a bit too presumptuous and arrogant to me. He was gainfully employed, well groomed, a good cook, not bad looking.. Whatever it was that he offered my mother (besides companionship) he wasn’t offering it to me and my brothers. And he certainly didn’t turn out to be my mother’s life partner. Maybe it had something to do with us not liking him, maybe it didn’t.
I became a mom at age 31. Made the decision not to get married. But dating & mating isn’t the hard part. The hard part is meeting the RIGHT smelling looking tasting man with BALANCE in his own life that he can bring to mine! And no matter how good he smells tastes looks.. SEEMS RIGHT, isn’t the same as IS RIGHT. If your kids don’t like him.. Then THERE IS NO BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE!
I’ve always said that my child is the deciding factor. Guys are replaceable, she is not. If for what ever reason my daughter doesn’t get his vibe.. Then he doesn’t stand a chance in OUR life. Period.
Mom In Apt. 10b´s last blog ..If you think he’s sexy..
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
This is a tough one. I think initially most kids will be a bit standoffish to someone new although little kids are a bit more accepting. Definitely a neutral, quick introduction like lunch or a park is better than bringing them into your home for the first meeting. Then you have territory issues. I think a lot of people expect too much from their kids when they first introduce them. By the time you’ve made that decision you’ve probably spent countless hours, days, weeks, even months getting to know this person and have made up your mind about them then your kid(s) are expected to warm up to them instantly and that’s just not how life works. It takes time to build trust and respect and they are typically already on guard.
I agree that children shouldn’t run their parents’ lives but as Mom in Apt 10b says you have to have balance. My son recently told his mom he’d be upset if she brought someone to a party because he wanted to spend time with her and she brought a guy anyway. Then called me upset that our son freaked out when she did. There’s more to it but they had a bad experience with the last guy and now he gets upset if he even hears about her seeing guys, which is the flip side. They feel like she pays less attention to them when she’s dating. There has to be balance and feelings need to be considered on all sides. I think taking it slow helps with that. I’ve said it before but both of my parents married people I’d met maybe 3 times before the ceremonies. In one case it worked out and in the other there were a lot of hard feelings over the years. Timing is important.
Twitter @ dreampusher
I don’t disagree with Mom in Apt 10B when it comes to having someone move in with you and the kids – the decision must be carefully weighed with all included.
However, consider this. My aunt reacted strongly when her widowed mom wanted to marry again (she was 11). Though the other kids liked the guy, she put up such resistance that her mother changed her mind. Don’t know what my grandmother would say if she were alive, but I do know that my aunt regretted breaking up that relationship as soon she became an adult. He went on to marry someone else in the parish and was a great husband, and a good father to his new adopted children. Her mother remained a sweet but quiet widow for the rest of her life.
Twitter @ cubanitabean
I agree with “balance”.
I also think that it has something to do with the circumstances surrounding a relationship.. I have been divorced 2 years, but the X has been gone for 4. He has been with the same person since before he left. My kids do not like her, don’t want her to be part of anything, and the X sort of just pushes her down their throats and does not respect what they have to say.
I have told my children upfront… Mommy is now single and ready to date.. It all comes after the fact.. I think they will be more comfortable.
I don’t think I will wait until I am in LOVE to introduce the kids to the person I am dating.. I think it has to be before that.. I think the person I am dating needs to see me in a setting where I am a mother.. He needs to see me interact with my children.
It has to be honest…. Does this mean they will meet a buch of different men? no.. I don’t forsee me being the dating guru of 2010.. But they will meet a person before it gets heavy…
I think it is ok for the kids to know that I can have male friends the same as female friends..
No sleep overs or anything like that.. All very respectful.
If after everything has been laid on the table and my kids feel that the relationship is something that is bringing them more pain than joy.. Then I would have to re evaluate that relationship…
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
So been there as a kid and an adult! Let me start by saying when I was 8 and 10 I threw a fit when my parents (who divorced when I was six) remarried later on. Looking back on it, I think it was very silly. The issue going through my mind was… “This separation is really over, my real mom and real dad are REALLY not getting back together. Therefore I will hate anybody who tries to replace them.” It wasn’t personal for me, I was just scared of change.
Thank God my parents were not kid centric and didn’t consider my feelings!
My step-parents turned out to be EXCELLENT people in my life and still are today.
As single parents are kids become our world and it is easy to get caught in a kid centric trap.
My kids are wonderful, but I don’t solicit deep long term retirement investment decisions from them even though it will affect them financially years from now. “Caitlyn you’re 10, what do you think, should we stay with the Janus Fund or go with the Orion Fund during this economy? Should I make this career move or that one?” There are reasons we don’t let kids vote until their 18, drive until their 16. They don’t have enough life experience and objectivity to make those decisions. Your remarrying decision should certainly be in that category.
Consult your very close adult friends, see what your “brain trust” circle says–but leave your kids out of it.
Remember long term… kids leave, spouses stay.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..Be the Better Parent – My Story!
@Andrea: That’s a great idea re: doing something more kid-centered and low-key when/if you decide to introduce your kids to the new person in your life.
A sit down dinner might be TOO much pressure for everyone. Thanks!
Twitter @ http://cat804.blogspot.com
I honestly have no idea. My brother, sister, and I never liked my dad’s girlfriends (we were teenagers)- but primarily because we knew that once they started dating, they would be married in 3 months and divorced again a year after that. There was no point in making an effort to befriend someone who would be gone soon.
But at these kids age… I guess it depends on their history, their relationship with their dad, how long it’s been since the divorce, all kinds of factors. I don’t think she should stop seeing him. Maybe drop him into conversation more frequently, do as Andrea said and get them all at the park or something, but above all give it time to sink in. It’s likely that they’re reacting to the change in the status quo he represents, not him. Keep it separate a bit longer. Give them time to get used to the idea. Just because you’ve been seeing him for a while doesn’t mean they’ve been pondering the idea and growing to accept it. This is new for them.
If there’s anything I could go back in time and beat into my dad’s head, this would be it.
Cat´s last blog ..Online Dating
Twitter @ singlemomchrons
Hi-
I think I would back off on the mixed events for a few weeks and then maybe try some things that are not so intense as a dinner at your house. My daughter and I met my boyfriend at the zoo one sunny afternoon – it was the 1st time she met him (she was 7). There was lots of activity around us and it wasn’t like “he” was in “our” territory. It wasn’t threatening and we made certain to end it in 2 hours or less.
As we dated more and she saw that he was sticking around, I did get push back from her and I’ve always welcomed her to be open with me. It’s SO tough though (see my post “When Your Kids Question Who You Date at http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com/2009/12/02/when-kids-question-who-you-date/ ). But keep talking to them so you can understand if there’s anything legitimate there.
I have to say the crucial point for me is this: does the person I am dating fit in/try to fit/care about how my daughter feels? If not, I wouldn’t stay in the relationship. I’m very committed to good, loving parenting and I know I need someone who understands that. I feel so fortunate to be dating a man who cares enough about me and my daughter to really try to build a relationship with her. Have you shared your kids feelings with this man? What was his reaction?
AS a side note, my boyfriend’s daughters are 15 and 21 – and it’s taking a much longer time for them to accept me! It’s very sensitive to share “dad” – but I’m equally committed to keep at it and I think we are making progress. It’s often a test of patience – and it’s important for my boyfriend and I to communicate A LOT. But it’s working.
My best to you!
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage written by married couple, Drs. Lawrence Birnbach and Beverly Hyman (Book Review)
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
It doesn’t sound like they hate him, but the idea of him. You definitely want to make sure the introductions are in a neutral zone. So they can start to see his unique characteristics. It’s all about time and place.
Travis´s last blog ..I Woke Up This Morning… But, I Couldn’t Get Out Of Bed
Twitter @ maryileen72
Women’s intuition should kick in. When my daughter met my boyfried she didn’t like him. That wasn’t the problem. I could “feel” that he didn’t like her very much either. Whether he couldn’t relate to kids or he felt defensive, hurt or impatient didn’t matter to me. I ended that relationship. It’s important to remember that we’re the grown ups. We make the decisions in our lives and our children’s lives. They are our priority. If a potential mate cannot be a “grown up” with you, then keep him away. You already have kids to raise.
Im dating a really great woman that adore alot and im sure she feels the same but she has 2 kids who really dont like me much, and have never given me a chance. I dont want this to become a problem and im not use to not not being liked, especially by kids. Im not really sure what to do really except be patient and hopefully they come around. Any suggestions?
Twitter @ meganbarcelona
I have been divorced for 7 years. I have dated, both casually and seriously. I have learned a few things (oh my kids are currently 11, daughter and 8 son): until my kids are out of my house, being that i have sole custody, i do NOT have the emotional or physical energy to give a REAL relationship the time and attention it needs to develop into something deeper and more real. Because of this lack of resources I came to terms with the fact that I had to make a choice…my kids or me. i love myself and i do tend to myself, but they are only children for a short period of time. how dare i choose to give my attention to someone else. when i was in serious relationships, my children got less of me. that is just a fact. there will come a time, not that far off, when my children will engage in their own lives, college and careers, i will have a void where they once stood, and then, if i so choose to, perhaps i will be more willing to open my heart to someone else. Our children need us, as single parents, our children need even more of us. It isn’t fair, it is just how it is. Children of single parents fall through the cracks, they have more alone time, and more unsupervised time (even though this is totally appropriate) it is because of this truth we 9as single parents) need to be more so on our toes. It is not our RIGHT to choose to send our attention else where, we waved goodbye to that when we made the choice to parent alone. There are consequences for every choice, perhaps mine will be that when my children are grown i will be unwilling to let anyone else in. as to the comment, children leave, spouses stay
um- that is not true- hence me being a single parent now. it is that idea that lands so many single parents in the yo yo lifestyle of jumping from one desperate sad relationship to the next.
the bottom line is NO ONE, single parent or not, will ever be happy in a relationship until they are happy with themselves.
as single parents, it is that much more important to be aware. as parents we struggle when our kids struggle and vice versa, our children should not bear the weight of helping to pick up the pieces when it doesn’t work out. and i dont care how serious someone is- if your kids dont like them, tell them to jog on. chances are if the person cared enough to reach out and actually ask the child what the friction is about- either it would be realized trivial and forgotten or realized serious- and should absolutely be considered. i am out numbered in my house by my children, and this house is as much theirs as it is mine. my life effects every aspect of theirs. when i am sad, they are sad. any parent who does not believe this is fooling themselves to feel less significant in their child’s life. thus making their choices, actions less valuable. but that is the truth of the matter.
Megan: This is such an incredibly thoughtful perspective on solo parenting and dating. Happy with yourself …. SO true. You’ve added a great deal to this conversation. We’d be honored if you’d visit us again soon.
Twitter @ solomother
It took my boyfriend and I almost three years before we slowly began to introduce our children to each other. While he and I know we will be married, we’re not in a rush. We want the kids, and especially his 11 year-old daughter, to get to know each other, and like the new adults in their lives.
We’re none of us in a rush, except perhaps my son, who adores his future step-dad and has already picked out his outfit for the wedding.
I’ve made the mistake of ‘smashfamily’, as I call it… smashing the two families together too soon, without taking all the time needed to be sure this romantic relationship was healthy for all parties involved. There is a permanent memorial to that mistake somewhere on the walkways of the National Zoo
, the names of that failed family attempt forever etched into the paving stones.
I’m much happier with the three- (or four- or five-) year plan.
Twitter @ http://badmummynocookie.com
A friend of mine has also decided not to date until her kids (now 5 and 13) are out of the house. After her relationship with the father of her younger son ended, that man took her to court for access to her older son for visitation, arguing that he’d established a parental relationship with him. Despite the fact that they never lived together and her older son has a father who he visits every other weekend, the court granted visitation rights to the other man.
bad mummy´s last blog ..Rock Hard Place
I have been single for 15 years, and have dated over the years. Two years ago, I met a man I think is everything I am looking for, but my children now 19 and 22 do not like him. My family and friends love him. I am not sure if part of it is, I very much limited their exposure while I was dating all these years. I did not want to introduce them if I wasn’t serious about the man, but now that I have, and they don’t like him, what do I do? They behave as if they are 8. My daughter actually said today, he reminds me of a serial killer rapist and I am not comfortable with him in the house. Seriously??? If there was a hint of serial killer rapist, family, friends, or even ex that likes him would have brought it to my attention. My ex has even spoken with both of them and believe they are being unreasonable. Since neither of them has specifics why they don’t like him, and he treats me well, is very respectful. One of my children lives across the country, but the younger one still in college living at home. So what do I do?
Beth: Quite a parenting dilemma! Just wondering: do you have “veto” power over their relationship choices, too? More seriously, it sounds like both of thm are desperate to maintain the status quo. Given that one lives cross country and the other is in college, that hardly seems fair. We’re hoping others offer their advice. Thanks for sharing your life with us.
Hi. I am in a relationship that’s so wonderful.. He so respectful. But my 16th year old son doesn’t like him at all… It has come to a point that my boyfriend has not even gone inside my apartment — until now.
On, 09/8/11, I invited him over for lunch.. An as soon my son saw him, he said that if he ever saw him again he would hurt him.
I also have two younger daughters and they like my boyfriend. I also have an older daughter and son who’ve accepted my boyfriend.
I tried talking to my 16th year old son but he is too stubborn.. My boyfriend an I have being together for 7 months. He has asked me to move in with him.. I really do want to move in together — but again my 16th year old son doesn’t want to move in to his home… Help!!! What can I do for him to see that all that my boyfriend wants is to live together as a family cause we love each other so..
My boyfriend has a younger daughter, but she has no problem with me moving into her dad’s home.
Flor: As clearly as we can understand your situation, it seems really complicated. Thanks for sharing what’s happening in your life with us. We wish you well.
I just experienced this today. After meeting gentleman #15 (I’ve been meeting people and carefully choosing people to go out with for almost 2 years now) I found someone who fits EVERY checkbox if I would create a list of them (which I don’t- I wait to see how well we click before making an opinion).
I’m widowed with 4 kids. This guys is truly wonderful and is soooooo sweet with the kids. Two of my kids are teens the other two are preteens.
The reactions? The oldest is good with it- likes the fellow and realizes that hey– mom needs someone, and this guy is the best he’s seen so far. The younger two really like him a lot. The second oldest keeps hesitating– I don’t know mom, I’m not sure about him. Sometimes, he comes out and says he doesn’t like him, but then can’t put his finger on what it is about him. Sometimes he says, “he’s too quiet”– his dad was boisterous and loud and funny and this guys is confident but sweetly gentle and kind (which is exactly what I’m looking for in someone to be a great stepfather and someone to grow old with me).
So here’s my thoughts…
First, I have a small window of time before my younger two get to be teens. When that happens, they will no longer be so easily wanting to bond with a stepfather. Then I’ll have to wait until those two are in their late teens. And really, if this guys is as sweet as he seems to be, I don’t want to be alone all those years, and I don’t want these two kids to miss out on a possibly great stepdad to pick up where their dad left off.
Second, I’ve explained to my older two that they may feel awkward because they remember their dad very well (compared to the other two kids), but that it won’t be long before they are out of the house and then they might look back and wish their mom had someone to keep her company. I got this word of insight from a dear friend of mine who lost his dad at ten years old, and now at 50 tells me his mom never remarried because he complained when she dated people and what a mistake that was– he now hates to see his mom alone.
So you know what? I’m going for it.
And by the way, I’m very conservative with my values so I do NOT let the guy in my bedroom at home. These children are watching everything we do and they will learn from us. If I want to teach my children to respect the dating process and pick a mate carefully, what better way than to do it with them. So they have met at least half of the men I’ve gone on dates with. I figure I’ll do this in full view of them, because these kids know mom, and they know they have no reason to wonder and worry what is she doing with these men. I get to know them on the phone, check some references, go on a date, and then filter out from there the ones that aren’t worth pursuing. Then the others I go out with again– many times to a kid friendly event like a theme park or renaissance fair. Seeing them in our environment with kids makes a world of difference. If the guy freaks out and clams up with four kids, I know it’s hopeless so he’s out. If he’s over eager, we’ll all know. There have been some guys that my boys LOVED and I had to shake my head and say, no because he made advances too quickly on me, or no, he doesn’t seem clear on his faith or his values or what he wants to do for the rest of his career — what a fabulous lesson for the kids to see Mom being sensible and not just picking a guy because he’s nice or he gives her approval.
Also, they’ve been able to meet a guy and see Mom like him and see the guy choose to close down the relationship, and see Mom be cool with that– hurt, but cool with it, and then see her move forward and smile about it and continue to remain friends with the guy.
Is that anything but completely healthy? I feel like I’m giving my children the best life lessons by taking what can be awkward and being frank and real and honest and morally sound about it.
As for this fellow, I tell the kids, only time will tell, but I see no reason not to continue with him just because someone is not sure about him. But I do tell him I’ll listen and we’ll keep talking about it. I also have a good counselor meeting with the four kids and I every few months to check our progress. If this gentleman continues to be a candidate in the coming month, I’ll make sure all of my son’s concerns are brought out in counseling, and I will eventually make sure this candidate steps in on our quarterly counseling appointments to make sure we’re all used to bringing issues right out in the open.
Hope this free sharing helps. You know, free advice is worth every penny!
@Catherine: Thank you for your generous advice. It sounds like you’re taking very thoughtful steps to help your son around his anxiety with this new relationship. Please keep us in touch.
I am kind of in the same situation now, only i have been dating the guy for going on 3 years, we live together for a year, and usually my girls get along great with him (ages 15 and 12) but sometimes they throw tantrums. like this morning I went to work, he just got in from work(he works nights) so he went to bed, I left, the kids were up getting ready for the bus. I get a phone call, saying the the two girl were in a fight with each other, he gets up to break them up and they both turn on him, yelling at getting up in his face, he wasn’t sure what to do, so he called to get my opinion on how to handle it. I just don’t know. He and I do plan on getting married, well, we did, now I just don’t know. I feel torn. So I feel for anyone in this situation.
I’m a 15 year old girl, and just happened to stumble across this, so I had a read, as its an issue I feel very strongly about. I am not in any situation like. this at all, but I thought you may like my opinion about it, if I was.
I’m very very very close to my mum, and if she was single, I would feel very on edge about meeting a new man she is dating, personally, so its important to understand that a child of any age could very possibly feel the same way. I feel very strongly about children feeling happy within this kind of situation (being the child of a family myself, I’m a happy only child by the way, things like this could effect a child’s school progress and happiness in general. I would say it is extremely extremely important to talk to your child, and don’t just say you love the man your dating, say you love them aswell, as it may make them feel you love your new man more than them if you don’t. If I hear of situations like this with people I know, I immediately feel extremely bad for the child in the situation. Make sure you have a balance of spending time with your child and spending time with your boyfriend, DONT prioritise. I hope this helps in someway, and I hope this opinion is respected, as I am 15 after all, so I worry it won’t a bit .. Haha (: thank you for taking time to read my comment (:
nickllouu: Everyone’s opinion is respected here. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. We’re impressed with your insight and compassion.
Twitter @ no
I have been dating a really nice lady for almost two years. She is divorced for 11 years and has two kids. She has been in other relationships where the men have been verbally abusive and the daughter has gone through this with the mom. I have met her daughter and I am not allowed to go to the house since her daughter hates me, since I am a male. I was seeing my girlfriend when her kids were not home, but we were always restricted in seeing each other. Finally recently, she stopped calling me and finally I got through to her since I needed closure? Her response was that there are too many issues with her daughter and she now does not want to have a close relationship, but she will always love me .
I’M CONFUSED?
Divorce has been final since 7/2011 but my ex is still very vendictive and tells my daughter (age 13) terrible lies about me even though when shes with me its wonderful. She often says she doesn’t want to say anything yo me or her dad to anger us. I’m moving in with my boyfriend. Someone she has known for several years. In fact she wanted me to date him. I heard from my eldest that my 13 year old said she will write a letter to the judge saying she doesn’t want to stay with us. I know for a fact that idea came from her father. I know she is uncomfortable. Ive told her her dad is not being replaced. I’m nervous. Do i stay with her and her sister (age 20) in her studio the days i have her? Do i slowly have her stay one day with us then with her sister and i or just her sister? I don’t know what to do. I am so stressed
Well I write from a different point of view… The girlfriend that the kids are torn about. I have been dating this man off and on for two years, and there has been talk of marriage. He has three children, one of which I have a great relationship with. There are also a set of twins that have a different mother. The twins (a boy and a girl) are older (15) and have liked me in the past, and have even made it a point to ask their father to include me in things. However, in the last several months, they have withdrawn from both me and their dad and do not even come see their father anymore. The girl is the ringleader, and basically whatever she says, goes. She has been treated as an adult, and now feels like she can made adult decisions. The kids do not come over, and only talk to him when they want money for things. Last night, he told me the reason that the kids weren’t coming was me. I asked if they had said that to him and he said no, that their mother had. She has been known to lie and say bad things about both me and the kids’ dad. My question is this; How far do I push and how far do I keep going? Will he end up resenting me if he really feels that way? I have no children of my own so I am not an experienced parent by any means, and have no idea how to handle the situation. I want to be able to help and do whatever I can to make sure he still has a relationship with the twins, but I don’t know what to do.
I started out by looking at this site as I too have a similar dilemma. A boyfriend of a year and half, a teenage daughter and all the same kinds of difficultiesd, but after reading all the excellent and heartfelt responses felt I’d like to add my own insights.
Firstly it would seem there are no easy answers to this, just all parenting and life choices show us the situation will be different for each individual as well as all the different variables. However that said one thing seems to ressonate from all the different replies: Listening. I think we all talk too much-talk about this and that and try and make sense of everything-lets talk about it…Well what we all need to start to do is listen a bit more and not always to the words being said, but also listen to the words not being said and watch the behaviour around all the words. Children no matter what their age 0-100 are always your children. They find change, and challenge hard no matter what I noticed that the age range for the children finding accepting a new person into their parents life was from young to adult! Therefore there is no ideal age or time for children to accept that change as gracefully as we would like them to and as parents (who are also someones child still and so also have our own inner child needs) we have needs and should have a life of our own as well as raising our children. I have a friend who is in her 30′s and is finding accepting her mothers new man really difficult and it is causing them both some sufferring. So does that mean that no single parent can ever have a partner??? That would be riddiculous and also extreme. Perhaps there are ways to approach it that make it more smooth than rough but ultimately if we deny ourselves any happiness at the expense of ourselves you can be left with resentlment and bitterness and children pick up on that! I feel that all children especially the teens are insecure and just need to feel loved (not jusat told but shown) Sometimes a new partner threatens their sense of security and that is where actions and sensitivity are key. My daughter is my world but I am multi dimensional and have other worlds too- my love life is another one and for all the married people out there that have their children after marriage they dont put their love life on hold. The children are born into it and get on with it. The same with work, I imagine very few single parents ask their children if they should stay in their current job or not although I’m sure that also at times is another competing factor in the child’s life. My daughter has always found sharing me difficult-even with family members but I can handle it 2 ways. Either I can give her my fi=ull attention and never see anyone, opr I can give her my full attention when I’m with her and then also see others and reassure her that she is still loved. That way I am the role model of how to manage relationships. Otherwise if I exclude myself from everything in life I am setting the precendent I would not want her to think that is how she should live her life! Lastly I think that if she were to have a boyfriend I disliked that we would be able to discuss it and that I would never ban her from seeing him, but let her make her own choices and learn to take responsibilty for them. Somnetimes if you ask childrenn if you like something they just say no because they can, better not to ask. In my experience if they really dislike someone they will tell you soon enough and it isnt worth digging unnessecarily!!