A man is not a plan
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Relationships, Single Moms
Hi, it’s Rachel from Single Mom Seeking, and co-founder of Singlemommyhood. If you haven’t heard my news yet, I’ve just announced something big here.
If there’s one thing my friends know about me, it’s this: while I’m such a giddy romantic, single motherhood has also turned me into a true realist. What I mean is this: a couple of years into parenting solo, I was still dreaming of a fairy tale. I naively believed that I would meet HIM. And fall in love. And live happily ever after.
Yeah, yeah. So, I’ve been a single parent long enough by now to know that that is a Disney movie. Moreover, blending your family is not as easy as blending a smoothie. That’s exactly what recently a remarried single mom told me the other week.
Like me, she’s the single mom of one child. Also like me, she has sole custody (her ex has been in and out of her son’s life since birth). So, two years ago, she met this amazing man and took off for La La Land. Really, it was like that at first. He made her laugh. They adored each other’s extended families. He made three-course meals for her. And the bonus? Her son bonded with him fast.
Well, this mom and her guy got married a few months ago. Yet, as Dr. Leah has often reminded me: “A man is not a plan.”
Don’t get me wrong. Her husband is still amazing. He’s a good guy. He’s open with his feelings, pitches in willingly with the daily mundane chores, lovingly tucks her son in at night, and brings his new wife coffee in the morning.
Yet her son is feeling left out. He’s sulking. He’s acting out. And he’s saying thing like, “You’ll never be my Dad!”
And her new husband? He’s down in the dumps. “I knew it was too good to be true. He hates me.”
“Complicated?” this moms tells me. “You bet.”
I have no illusions that my life going forward will resemble my cherished fairly tale.
There will be plenty of challenges, uncertainties, and my own share of kid stress.
I’m SO grateful that we have each other @Singlemommyhood.
I know that I’ll feel like a single mom forever. I mean it. (And I’m proud of that.)
Right now, however, I do need to make a plan.
And I need your help. I worry that I’m overlooking things I should keep in mind.
What’s *critical* for me to keep in mind as I take this giant leap?
~~~
(Photo courtesy of DisneyAndy via Flickr)
|
Ultimate go-to guide for single mothers. The Complete Single Mother is the only comprehensive and best selling self help book ever written for single parents. It’s packed with savvy advice, sisterly comfort, as well as reassuring answers to all your single mom challenges. |
|
Read the book! Single Mom Seeking is a tell-all about how to date and remain a dedicated and involved parent. It’s a spunky, sexy, and moving chronicle of the humor, pitfalls, and rewards of balancing it all — single-mom style. |
Related posts:
- Is this a man or a fix-up project? We’ve gotten a bunch of eerily similar e-mails in the last week or so. Here’s a sample: One newly divorced...
- The Package Deal Izzy Rose — author of The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom — is...
- What if your kids don’t like him? Some of you have told us that you started dating again during the holiday season — and we’re thrilled for...
- When you’re dating a man without kids We heard recently from a single mom by choice with a three-year-old daughter who’s in a long distance relationship… but...
Follow Singlemommyhood on Twitter
Twitter @ http://crazycomputerdad.blogspot.com
Children that have been used to being with their single parent will almost always have a hard time adjusting to a new person living in their home with them. It is great to have that new person around temporarily during dating, but having them there full time is a big change for everyone, especially the children.
My girlfriend has two sons, I have one. She grew up with older siblings, but when she was a teenager, her parents divorced and she went to live with her dad. Her dad was dating and married a woman with an older son and a younger daughter than her. All Tweens and teens and a blended family. One thing her parents (step mom and dad) told us recently was that at many points they thought they may not make it as a family. The kids were just too much. However, they knew that they were together because of their love and desire for each other. They knew that they could surmount any problem that the kids threw at them…and there were many apparently. A lot of them because of my girlfriend!
My parents divorced when I was 7 and my father received custody of my brother and I. He immediately got remarried to a woman with two younger sons. Instant blended family of four boys all near the same age. As I look back, I know that I was pretty selfish and self centered in most of the conflicts that took place, but you really can’t expect a kid to be any other way. Part of being a parent is recognizing that you have to teach your children how to look beyond themselves and their immediate need. I was often resentful of the whole situation, and certainly of being the oldest and being told I was to set an example/be in charge/babysit etc.
Kids will act out and be jealous. They will lash out at their parents because it is all they know how to do. Expecting kids to be able to articulate their feelings and talk things out isn’t going to work out well. Most adults have a hard time doing it. It will take a lot of patience and a stubborn “we are not giving up” attitude. Kids want to know that they are going to be safe and that they can depend on their parents to be rocks, unmoving. They will certainly test that in crazy ways.
Crazy Computer Dad´s last blog ..Happy Pi Day!
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
This man, is doing it all wrong. Focus on being a husband, and being what a father should be, don’t declare it, don’t bring it to light… just do it.
Actions will speak louder than words. I married a single mom, and when I decided how I was going to be, I decided that this boy was going to be my son. I saw him as mine. And to this day, that was the greatest decision I’ve ever made. And by treating him as my son, and ignoring all the negatives that he threw at me as child and teen (cause all teens throw negatives) He always knew that I will always love him. And when he was introduced to his biological father, in the end he came back and gave me a hug, and I could hear this deep sigh. One where he sunk into me and squeezed tightly and then told me he loved me.
He is my son.
Just be strong, know who you are, and do all the things that will guarantee this family is a family. And he/she will end up making there own choices, but it won’t be because you failed as Dad. In fact when a child fights more and yell’s “Your not my Dad,” what he is feeling is very strong sense of conflict. This boy may not be realizing it, but he is testing this man. To see how he will respond. Will he yell back? Will he start to ignore him, will drop to this leave, and mope about it? Don’t. Always act like it’s water off a ducks back. And just continually love, and help bring this family in full circle.
Always do everything with love, a smile, and with a mental and emotional strength of a 100 men, and he will hold onto that for his entire life.
Travis´s last blog ..All The Right Friends And All The Right Places
It sounds like this has gone rather quickly (how exciting!). Give your child time to get used to this new life- they are their own people and are not feeling the same as you. I am an only parent to one child, it changes our family dynamic when we add ANYONE in to our life. When my mom comes to visit for more than a day, my son becomes really irritated and at 5yrs old will voice his feelings of being left out (which, of course, I don’t see as that at all). But, when my mom spends time focusing JUST on him, it changes his disposition. One parent and one child is a very strong dynamic that is hard to alter without mixed feelings.
Perhaps carving out time to just be with your child w/o the new hubby sometimes will make a ton of difference? And, allowing days where the new hubby is just focused on your child as to allow them to organically grow their own personal relationship- independant of you- may help. Of course you love your child. But, new love is exciting, intoxicating, and often consuming. Your child’s feelings are valid- listen.
Give it time, and hang in there!
Congrats!
Twitter @ mominapt10b
I logged on this morning to blog about this very subject. I’m a never married single mom of a 16 yr old daughter. I discovered his issues before birth and he was in denial. I said “No,” he left the country. Angry that I said “No.”
First ting this morning, I get a call from a mutual friend of the checkbook dad and me. Well.. we were all friends way back when. I hadn’t heard from this friend in maybe a year. He was just checking in on my daughter and I. Shooting the breeze about some FB photos.. then he asked what they all ask at the very end of the conversation… “When am I getting a wedding invitation?”
And so it is.. the pressure is back on! It’s been eons since I gave any serious thought to marriage. And now my juices are flowing. Hmmmmmmm.. wondering how I can make that happen?
Congratulations Rachel, on your good news and your new journey. I sometimes have the thought.. that..I might be too set in my ways or something.. but I know that I am not. So I hold out for MR Exactieffinglutley RIGHT.. You know? The one with No Unnecessary Vices.
As for the mom mentioned in your post.. She and her husband need mentors like Travis. Way to go! Travis!!!
Goddess in Apt 10b´s last blog ..Some good slutty boots
I say find a family therapist who you all can see regularly or individually. Your daughter may need someone to talk to that doesn’t have any expectations of her.That’s why kids tell their friends things they don’t confess to parents.
Twitter @ RiaSharon
Rachel, I have no advice for you. I’ll be looking your way when and if I’m in such a place. But congrats, my dear. You deserve all love and happiness. xox.
Ria
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I have nothing I can add, but I love the title to this post. So true.
alley´s last blog ..The self-destruct mechanism has been active . . .
Twitter @ Wallacewiter
Rachel, we’ll enjoy hearing from you whether you are single or married. And we’ll welcome your Lucky Guy, too — if he ever wants to voice his point of view. Maybe that’s the most important thing to keep in mind — with a couple, there is usually no “right” story or “wrong” story. It’s just working it out between you with respect and care, and I know you’ll do that. Congrats!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Yes, @Travis: thank you so much for your honest, genuine advice. I really appreciate it!!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@RJ: Indeed, the mother-daughter dynamic is intense (in my case). And thanks for the reminder to listen to your child’s feelings. So true.
Twitter @ http://www.justbewonderful.com
Yay for you Rachel! My second husband and I celebrate 7 years married in June. It has been wonderful, and intense at times. Our six children are ages 14-24. My children love their step-dad now, but in the beginning they pretty much respected him. That is the key. My step daughters 14 & 20 don’t come around due to Parental Alienation from their mother, and dad was a big spoiler when they were little. My husband and I adore each other, but we have had some difficult moments when dealing with children. The best thing we did was start counseling together to get help blending families. We still go once a month, and really enjoy it. It is kind of a date night for us. We have worked through many things and probably don’t need to go anymore! I wish you the best. No matter what, respecting one another, even if someone does not like another, makes for happier times!
Donna Jo Dillard´s last blog ..Children Sleeping with Parents
Twitter @ runpippi
Rachel, my advice would be NOT to make a plan. You just cannot predict what will happen. There will be bumps in the road and this is complicated situation. Hopefully it will work but there is always the chance that it won’t. You are an amazing Mom and woman. You will make the right decisions and know what road to take when you reach a fork. All my best, Pippi
Pippi´s last blog ..Who’s Your Mummy? Wordless Wednesday (because you are speechless from seeing my picture)