When Dad talks to his daughter about her period
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Single Dads
The dads who comment at Singlemommyhood continue to amaze us. You’re so present and genuine. And add so much to the conversation. Thank you.
So, when we got this recent note from a divorced mom of a tween, it was these great dads who came to mind.
For months now, this mom has been preparing to have the “period” talk with her 11-year-old daughter. She even went out and bought a revised version of the same book that HER mother had given her at that age: Period: A Girl’s Guide to Menstruation With a Parents Guide. She has also chatted with her mom friends about what might be the best time and place to bring up this sensitive topic without causing too much embarrassment.
Well, here’s what happened:
This mom planned a special mother-daughter evening that included a special dinner out and a movie together, with both of them snuggled up on the sofa. After the movie was over, the mother said, “Honey, I’ve been wanting to talk about some things with you–” She cleared her throat and brought the book out.
And guess what her daughter said, oh-so-casually? “Yeah, Dad already told me about all that stuff.”
“He did?” the mom said. “When?”
“A LONG time ago,” she said. “And he got me some tampons for his house, in case I get my period over there first.”
Did you see this mother’s mouth drop open?
Of course, this mom respects that her ex-husband had “the talk” — before she did. Well, sort of.
She’s also a bit annoyed. She wants to know: “I think my ex should have addressed this with ME first! We have a very civil relationship. Why didn’t he ever mention to me that he’d talked to our daughter about all of this?”
Yet we wonder: Maybe this mom is overreacting — and she should just feel grateful that her daughter has such an open, honest relationship with her father?
What do you think?
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(Photo courtesy of Carrie Dee Handcrafted via Flickr)
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Twitter @ http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/
Hmm…How would I feel or how do I think she should feel? I’d probably be mad as Hell but I’d hate myself for it. I would feel like I should be relieved at being off the hook or something. Kind of one of those no-win situations for the dad. He took the initiative to do the parent thing…and we’re mad about it. If he had sat back and said that was Mom’s job, we’d be mad about it. I do think he should have discussed it with Mom and tried to come to a decision together about the best way to deal with it but I can understand him wanting to avoid the situation where she’s over there for the weekend and caught completely off guard so he has to deal with it on the fly. He should have let Mom know that he was afraid of that and he thought it was time to have the talk so they could at least be on the same page. So yeah, she might be overreacting a little but it’s totally understandable and yeah, he was out of line for not discussing it with her.
Just a thought…I was so mortified when my mom went to have the talk with me that I lied and told her I’d learned all about it at school and from my cousin and I had no questions or concerns. I figured that figuring it out on my own would be less horrible than talking about it with my mom! Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I was right…
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Twitter @ http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/
Interesting. I could understand if Mom was upset if Dad had just jumped in there. Maybe, though, it came up because the daughter asked about it or it was the subject of another conversation that just left the door wide open. If so, the OPTIMAL thing would have been for Dad to tell Mom that it had happened just so Mom could follow up. Some ex’s don’t get along well enough for that though, so I could see it getting missed. The important thing is that a parent has the talk with the daughter early enough.
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Wow Id have been mortified as a tween to have had such a production made of this. Really, there weren’t teaching opportunities along the way? Kudos to dad for taking those times and using them well. Maybe mom should ask him what his approach was, just for future reference.
I taught my oldest gradually, and she even was able to tell the signs as they started happening. She had a little bag with supplies for her backpack, and things at home. I remember the day she started, she came home from school, and at some point casually mentioned she started. She never went to the school nurse, and acted like it was no big deal. I was more excited for her than she was for herself. No big deal. The way it should be.
Good job dad. And mom, you’re overreacting. He doesn’t have to tell you everything he talks to her about especially if it isn’t something he considers important. It happens to every girl. I’m sure you’ve spoken to her about things that you haven’t mentioned to him. And how cool that she feels comfortable talking to him. Sounds like mom is just jealous that daughter would rather talk to dad. Of course, if mom overreacts over things like this, why wouldn’t you rather talk to dad?
Twitter @ runpippi
I have two boys (8 & 10) and I have tried to have a bit of a discussion with them around wet dreams and sex. I feel that what I discuss with them in my home regarding sex (and when I feel it is appropriate) is my business, and when my ex-husband cares to discuss the subject in his home, is his business. My 5th grader just took an Intro to Sex Ed class at school and I felt that it was important to start the dialogue (with both boys). The most important thing to me is that both boys feel that they can go to either their father or me with ANY questions about sex and not feel embarassed. If they are not comfortable asking me, I WANT them to ask him. I don’t want them learning the wrong information from friends at school.
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Goodfordad: Welcome to Singlemommyhood. And thank you for joining our conversation. You make an excellent point. We do not always inform “the other parent” about every conversation we have with the kids.
Momof5: That’s exactly how it happened with my daughter and me. I was *emotional* to learn that this momentous moment (in my mind) had arrived. A huge transition. My daughter, who also had her “supplies” in her backpack, was totally matter of fact. Thanks so much for adding to the conversation. Please visit us again – 5 kids – WOW! You’ve got lots to share.
Pippi: I buzzed Rachel about “the movie” while she was writing this post. And how parents often want (wisely) to start the conversation before dialog starts at school. I tried …but after my 5th grade son saw “the movie”, he asked me if it were true that the “men destruction” stuff only happened to girls.
Twitter @ http://www.blacktating.com
Am I the only one who thinks mom dropped the ball by not having this conversation with her daughter a looooong time ago? At age 11, she could’ve already started menstruating a year or two ago. Mom should have been having this conversation with her YEARS ago, the way Dad did. I think this girl is blessed to have such a fantastic relationship with her father. Mom should be ecstatic that Dad was smart enough to be open about this with his daughter and that there is obviously a ton of mutual respect between the two of them. Mom is, I hope, planning on having a sex talk with daughter ASAP, so she feels she can talk to BOTH her parents and not just her father.
Can’t help but think it’s a bit hypocritical of mom to wonder why Dad didn’t get her permission to have the Talk–when she obviously didn’t talk to him about her plans either. Pot & kettle?
If she had, she might have found out from him that she didn’t need to before bringing it up with her daughter.
And maybe just a bit too late. My daughter is SIX and we are already having these conversations, and have been for years. Not as a big production but, you know, age-appropriate and as stuff comes up. She’s probably been hearing stories on the playground from her friends for years.
In any case, I can imagine being disappointed or upset that Dad stole her thunder, so to speak, but it’s not his fault.
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Let me start by saying- I have been extremely upset at my ex for discussing things with our children alone that we had agreed to discuss with them together. However.
I think that the father was thinking in the best interest of his daughter and I think it is great that it was no big deal to him. my girls started their periods at age 11 and this talk would have been too late.
Now she will feel comfortable (and sounds like she is very) speaking with her father about most anything. NOTHING trumps that!
Good job dad!
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Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Elita: We were wondering if anyone was going to point out that age 11 might be WAY too late to be having “the talk” with your daughter. Thank you for your comment!
I think this little girl is blessed to have an outstanding, engaged father.
Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
The dad TOTALLY should have discussed this with the mom to at least let her know that he had “the talk” with her.
It’s funny…I actually blogged about this last year and how I scared to have to have that very discussion, so kudos to him for actually jumping in headfirst.
My commenters never thought that my daughter would ask me about it. But if she had her period while visiting me and HADN’T had a discussion with her mom, then who else would she have turned to?
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Thinking back to my childhood, I cringe at the thought of that book and “parent guide”. thank god dad got there first. Periods, sexual development, and bodily functions should be treated as matter of fact things and not have such big productions made of them.
If it was me, I would have a discussion any way. I would make sure she knew the facts I wanted her to know and make sure she knew what situations might call for her asking for help, like a boy who puts pressure on her or lots of abdominal pain.
I would not let her know I was disappointed that the dad had already talked to her, but I would have a conversation with the dad about coordinating these sorts of discussions.
alley´s last blog ..Got a Job Interview
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I can understand how the mom would feel she missed out on a special mother/daughter moment. That said, she is fortunate to have an ex that would take the initiative to even have this conversation with his daughter but he should have given her a heads up either before of afterward – or both. The important thing is that the girl has the knowledge and it really is about her, not who gets to tell her.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Girl’s Weekend
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YAY Dad! My 16 yr old seemlessly handled it with casual talks from me, education at school and I am sure peer discussions. I have brought it up with my youngest and she is also prepared.
My ex and I disagree–she would rather react rather than educate. She gets furious with me when I speak about drinking, drugs, sex and safe sex with my kids (12, 16, 18). My response is that the time to talk is before, not after they are pulling a drunk pregnant 17 yr old from a wreck on the side of the highway.
Our conversations might be awkward, but all of my kids know that they can come to me with ANY concern and I will listen to them and work things out–awkward or not.
Twitter @ jenseeya
I think it’s great that the dad had a talk to his daughter. There’s no mention of the mum talking to the dad before she had the talk. The daughter seems happy and that’s the main thing.
Twitter @ satsukirebel
Maybe it’s just me but I’ve always thought of this kind of subject (sex, body issues, etc) as something that falls under the category of mother/daughter or father/son. That’s not to say that a mom can’t talk to her son about it or vice versa. However in this situation the mother is actively involved in her daughter’s life. The father should have let her know, even if only after the fact. He didn’t need her permission though.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Thank you @John F. Here’s to education… instead of reaction.
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
I think it’s great that her dad took it upon himself to prepare her and himself. And I think it’s great that he already has things ready at his place, just in case.
I got my first period at my dad’s house, and he wasn’t prepared at all. I didn’t need “the talk” because I’d already been through sex ed, and knew what to expect. But he definitely didn’t have anything I needed – of course, that was easy to fix.
I think the mom is overreacting a bit.
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Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I don’t think Dad needed her permission, but I do think he could’ve let Mom know that they’d had this talk. Obviously the mom spent a lot of time (and shelled out $$, too) to have this conversation, so I can understand her being annoyed that she didn’t know about this. I also think it’s important to note that she’s annoyed, not pissed. There’s a difference. This isn’t an everyday conversation, but a much bigger deal, and the mom should’ve been clued in – at the very least, in case the daughter had follow-up questions that she wanted to ask her mom.
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The dad should have coordinated this talk with the mom.Although he might have the mechanics of getting your period down he doesn’t have the actual on hand experience the mom has.
I cringed when the kid said dad bought “tampons”.That’s a bit grown up for a child to handle imo and let’s not forget period or not this is a child. It’s important to change regularly and keep that area clean even with pads,so there is no odor/infection.How much does dad know about that?
It sounds like the talk men have with their sons about sex and end the discussion with a economy size box of condom like that’s the silver bullet.
Twitter @ http://newsingledad.wordpress.com
Great thread… I’ve been lucky enough that while my ex and I argue about many things, things that benefit the kids seem to get around that. We’ve both had talks with our 12 year old, and she has supplies at both houses, and at school, just in case.
Her mother gave her “My Little Red Book” (www.mylittleredbook.net), a collection of short stories about experiences with a first period. She really enjoyed the book, and has read it a few times. I’d recommend it to anyone with a daughter that hasn’t started yet.
– Satsuki- I always imagined the mother/daughter father/son conversations, and that’s kind of how it went with her older kids. But in a 2 household family, she needs to be prepared to ask me for help if it happens here, or worse if there’s a problem at school and I have to pick her up. I must say, it was a hard conversation for me, but I’m hoping she’s now confident enough to be able to just talk to me, so communication doesn’t add any stress to the situation.
There’s a whole world of new and difficult things for me to learn trying to do this on my own, but so far, they seem to be working out pretty well. She hasn’t started yet, that I know of, but we’re as ready as we’re going to get.
NSD
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