When the other parent prefers Pull Ups
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Dads
Once again, we’re turning to you for some co-parenting advice for a divorced mom. We’ve all coped with bed wetting in one form or another. If you’ve dealt with bed wetting in two homes or just your own — maybe you’re in the thick of it now? — thanks for helping out on this one!
So, this mother’s son is in kindergarten — and he wets the bed. The pediatrician ruled out any medical problems. This little guy is simply reaching the “dry at night” developmental milestone a bit later. It’s perfectly normal.
Confidently, this single mom reports: “I’m really getting a handle on it. We’re having more and more dry nights in a row!”
This mom is proud of herself for setting up a routine that really works for her son:
Making sure her son uses the toilet before bed.
And giving him just a little cup of water before bed — instead of a big glass. And limiting night time snacks.
Then, a couple of hours after he goes to bed, she gets her sleepy son up to use the toilet. When he does have an accident, she’s careful to keep things matter of fact. She keeps fresh PJs and extra bed linen handy, so everyone can get back quickly back to sleep.
So, what’s the problem?
“When he goes to his father’s house every weekend, all of my routines go out the window!” she says. “His dad insists on keeping him in Pull Ups at his house because he says that it’s easier. Aaaahh! He refuses to follow the routine that’s working! Or even just to limit fluids. Or to make sure our son uses the toilet before bed. And forget about waking him up to use the toilet after a few hours of sleep.”
You guessed it: when her son returns to her home on Monday, he’s wetting the bed again.
“I have to start all over, from square one,” she says. “I’ve tried to talk to my ex about what’s working for our son. I’ve suggested that he might try some of these things. But he seems to think that this routine is just another example of my need to control. He thinks our son will eventually outgrow bed wetting so why get into all this hassle. Help!”
So, this mom and dad are at an impasse about how to handle their son’s bed wetting.
Please help by sharing your own parenting experiences:
Do you agree that the routines this single mom is putting in place are essential?
Or do you agree with Dad that his ex is creating hassle and unnecessary drama?
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Photo courtesy of garbagebabe 42
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Twitter @ http://pigeonsandplatypi.blogspot.com
I’d advise her to get someone else to back her up–like the pediatrician. If a neutral third party is recommending that they both follow a routine, it might go over better for the ex. Some of the things in her routine are things I do too with my 4 year old, like having him use the bathroom before bed and limiting him to a small cup of water instead of a large one right at bedtime. But I would probably never wake up a child to use the bathroom after a few hours of sleep.
Ultimately there isn’t much she CAN do if her ex won’t follow her routines. You can’t make someone else follow your routines. It’s like banging your head against the wall sometimes to try. Gotta compromise, or get someone else to tell the ex to follow a routine (like the ped.)
Allison´s last blog ..Here is what I will be doing today…
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
They are both right. And that’s the problem…they can’t hear each other because of their history together. I suspect she is more annoyed that she really can’t control what happens in his home. And he is annoyed that she is trying to tell him how to be a parent. They both are valid. The child in question is little and with all the changes in his little life mixed in with growing up, wetting the bed is a part of it. He is not going to be little always. They have to respect each others stance on this. If not, then it doesn’t matter what the issue is, they will be at odds with each other’s parenting styles. Next time it will be snacks, or bedtime, or too much tv, or too much time with his/her significant others. They both need to ease up and really examine what’s really at the heart of this and work to resolve the underlying issues. Otherwise they will be in battle mode over stupid mess.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..THE NEXT TOP SPIRITUAL AUTHOR: ME…VOTE FOR ME!
Twitter @ jennsplace
I agree that the pediatrician/neutral party card should be played to get them on the same page, but she’s never going to be able to control what he does in his house. Pushing him to do it is backfiring and making him resist. I don’t think the dad should be using the excuse that it’s easier to use pullups because parenting isn’t about doing what’s ‘easier’ at the expense of the child. Granted, he may feel the mother’s routine is a bit much or over the top, but there’s no reason he can’t modify it so it works for him. They should at least have similar routines. Non-medical bed wetting can also be caused by stress and these parents might be exacerbating the problem by not working together on this. The child may not ‘grow out of it’ and why wouldn’t the dad want to help stop it now?
Lastly, a small glass of cranberry (cran/apple) juice before bed instead of water helps with controlling bed wetting.
Jennifer´s last blog ..Quality of Life
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Sounds like the father is the one with control issues.
Unfortunately I know all too well what it’s like to not have my ex on board in situation like this. Like the others suggested, getting a nuetral third party may help but ultimately this father will do what he wants. My advice is to just keep working with her son and encourage him to do it on his own at his father’s house instead of putting on the pull-ups.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Not My Favorite Things
First thought that popped into my head? Encourage the child to tell his dad he doesn’t want to wear the pull up. He’s in kindergarten right? So he could both say this and take it off himself.
I know that isn’t the best or even a mature way to deal with this issue, but dad is simply avoiding the situation and the clean up. And he is NOT helping his son.
Twitter @ http://www.jane-sliceoflife.com/
Hmmm…easy solution here for some good co-parenting. And a good lesson in how to pick and choose your battles. Mom, awesome routine, except: use pullups and don’t wake him. I promise you, he will become potty trained. He is just not ready yet, it is that simple. And I like dad’s approach, it really is easier, but most of all for your son.
Your son is doing nothing wrong. He is not having accidents in his world. He is fine. He is not having accidents in his dad’s world, either. He is, however, having accidents, occasionally, in your world.
Take accident out of the picture, put him in pull-ups at your home too. And leave it at that. All the tricks in the book will not make your son train earlier. This is a good case where, doing what is easier will benefit for all concerned, but mostly for your son. Make it a non issue. suggestion would be this: before his bath, lay out his nighttime clothes for a week, with pull-ups only. And say something positive to the effect that, you use them at dad’s so let’s use them here too! He will tell you when he is ready for big boy pants.
Best of luck!
Jane´s last blog ..Easter
I had a terrible time toilet training my daughter – eventually, aged 5 she was diagnosed with dyspraxia, and later Asperger’s Syndrome. She didn’t have the physical or emotional ability to recognise the need to use the toilet, and I didn’t know this. I wasted so much stress over this, tears and shouting on both sides – it is the thing I am most ashamed of as a parent. By the time I wanted her dry at night I had given up. I just thought, she can stay in pull ups until she’s 12, or 20. But then, aged 7, she suddenly stopped wetting, and started waking up and getting herself to the toilet in time. I literally did NOTHING towards this. In the last three years she’s maybe wet the bed six times. This doesn’t help with the co-parenting issue, but might help to know that the kid may just suddently develop the ability to stay dry.
I’ve raised 7 kids, and none of our 5 year olds ever wore pull ups. The mother is doing everything she can to help support their son overcoming this minor issue, and dad is complicating the matter, with lazy parenting.
If dad refuses to step up his parenting by limiting water before bedtime, having son empty his bladder before bedtime, etc…I don’t know that there is much she can do to change that irritating fact.
I definitely feel for her, because my husbands exgf kept putting my stepkids in pull ups, after I potty trained them, because she was too lazy to take three kids to the bathroom, during her parenting time.
It confused them, and complicated things a lot. They eventually refused to allow her to put pull ups on them at 3.6 yrs old. They didn’t like taking their underwear off to slip on pull ups for their mom. And she was forced to step up and parent them.
Hang in there !
Twitter @ http://www.jane-sliceoflife.com/
Congrats Lisa on raising 7 kids!
My point to my answer is, the child is not overcoming a minor issue at all. He is just not ready to potty train. That’s it. Regardless of what anyone is saying he should or shouldn’t do, he is already showing signs of being his own person. He is not ready. Mom does not need to support him in doing something he is not ready to do. Just because most kindergartner’s are potty trained, does not mean that he should be. Mom ruled out possible medical issues, and now she is getting to meet a personality trait of her son’s she has not met before. Trying to encourage, or support something for a five year old who is clearly stating with his actions, I am not ready, seems to have created a conflict between mom and dad, where there should be none. So, in looking at the brief description of said lifestyle, creating the least amount of conflict is what is in the best interest of the child. Limiting water, waking during sleep time, these things re enforce the fact that somewhere something is wrong, when there is “nothing” that is wrong. The kid is not ready. Either there is full potty training or not. Accidents every night or every other night, indicate, the child is still not ready yet.
Making this an issue between mom and dad? Not necessary. in taking account the two lifestyles stated, I suggested to the mom, to use pullups.
Just a note: I used cloth diapers for all four of mine, and did them myself and line dried them. To me, it is not about what is being used, it is honoring the child for who he is right now, and let him be in the best possible manner. Many kids use potty training for control. It could well be this kid is confused enough, and pullups will not make a difference. But will in fact give him the ability to know that both parents think he is okay, just the way he is.
When they want to start wearing read cowboy boots to school everyday, with a princess dress, complete with crown, THEN creative parenting can come in!
Cheers!
Jane´s last blog ..Easter
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
I’m in the midst of this right now… though I’ve been in the midst of it for a couple years. My son is 8 1/2 and still wets the bed regularly. We’ve talked to his pediatrician about the issue at every regular checkup for the past couple of years. His pediatrician has confirmed that there’s no medical problem and that, while most kids have outgrown bedwetting by this age, we’re still well within the realm of “normal.” Especially since late bedwetting runs in his dad’s family (all 3 of the kids in my ex’s family had regular wet nights until they were 8 or 9), which is often just a symptom of an inherited smallish bladder. My doc’s recommendation was to let it be until it starts to bother my son.
I wonder, in the scenario above, if ending the bedwetting is something the mother is pushing for, or if the son has expressed concern/embarrassment related to the issue? My son, he wasn’t bothered by it until very recently and, personally, I wasn’t interested in (nor did the pediatrician recommend) really pushing it very hard until my son expressed his readiness to really work on it.
That said, we tried a few things… similar to what the mother above has outlined… with limited success. In the end, my son always “opted out” of the tiresome practices.
My ex was totally on board with letting him outgrow it in his own time, but eventually my son’s step-mom decided it was time. I initially tried to comply with the routine they’d set up. The problem was that my son spends the majority of his nights at my house, and it’s impossible for me to follow the routine that my ex and his wife put into place. My son spends a couple hours every afternoon with his dad, and his dad is notoriously late dropping him off at my house in the evenings. This means we’re often not sitting down to dinner until 8:00 at night, which makes cutting off liquids before bedtime kind of tricky. AND, as mentioned before, my son was not bothered by the bedwetting and, as such, was not particularly motivated to solve a problem that *wasn’t* a problem as far as he was concerned.
Since my son has expressed an interest, his pediatrician recommended a bed-wetting alarm, which we’ve been using for about a week now. Interestingly enough, I can’t count on my ex to comply with *this* routine because he doesn’t want to pay for an alarm to live at his house (they’re not cheap), and since he loses nearly everything that gets sent to his house, I’m not willing to send my alarm to his house for the weekend. I know I’d never see it again. In addition, when the alarm goes off (triggered by moisture), my son has to get up, reset the alarm, use the bathroom, change his clothes, and go back to bed. He needs some assistance with this, since he’s usually quite groggy when the alarm goes off, and my ex is incapable of getting up in the middle of the night to help with such things. I talked to the pediatrician about the likely inconsistency in using the alarm, and he responded that it shouldn’t be a problem. We’ll probably have to use the alarm for a couple weeks longer than the usual two weeks, but it’ll still work.
So, after that rambling story, my advice is this: consider whether the motivation to stop bedwetting is coming from the child or the parent. If the child, forge ahead! If the parent, maybe now is not the right time. The disinterest of the child coupled with the lack of consistency from the father would not be a combination for success, and will most likely only result in frustration for everyone involved. If you do forge ahead, I would suggest just accepting that you’re not going to have the full support of dad. There’s no way to force him to follow your routine, and you can still be successful without him… it just may take longer. And, finally, if the bedwetting doesn’t end as soon as you’d like, try not to worry too much about it. It *will* end eventually, in its own time – your son will not be a life long bedwetter.
If you and your son are interested in bedwetting alarms, check out http://www.bedwettingstore.com/category_alarms.htm. The benefit of the alarms (in theory) is that they gradually teach the child to wake on their own at the sensation of a full bladder, rather than depending on a parent to wake them. We got the Malem yellow 8-tone alarm (item #m034), and are already seeing improvement. My son’s best friend used a similar alarm when he was 4 or 5 (with consistency) and was having regular dry nights after 2 weeks.
Good luck!
Martini Mom´s last blog ..Snips and snails
Twitter @ DrDCurtiss
Although we pediatricians generally don’t like to get between divorced/separated parents, this might be a case where calling your pediatrician could help. He or she can help you develop a plan that both of you will need to agree with. Certainly consistency between the two households is what is needed and your pediatrician may be just the person to act as “mediator”
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I have to say that I think they both may have a valid point. Why go to the hassle of changing jammies and sheets when he can get up and just get a new pullup on? The wet sensation will likely still wake him. It does my five year old who sometimes wets.
As to the routine it seems to be more about training mom to avoid accidents than training the child, this is a developmental stage that is going to have to be grown into.
I suggest compromise. Mom has mom’s rules, dad has dad’s rules, and try it your way with the pull ups. I think time more than routine will solve the issue.
alley´s last blog ..Ok, now I know I’m not a bad mom!
Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
I guess my point of view is that the child is going to outgrow bedwetting either way. There are lots of things I would like my ex to do “my way”, but it’s simply not worth the hassle, so I don’t press the issue. I say let it go and just “go with the flow”, so to speak. After all, is this issue worth having conflict with your ex over?
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..Taking Care of Business
Anytime you are dealing wit issues in co-parenting, one of the hardest things to do is step back and acknowledge that there may be more than one solution to the problem. Most of the time we are just too close to the issue and our own stance to see this. In this case, both parents have a viable solution. Some children’s bladders are smaller and they sleep too soundly to recognize the need to go. This isn’t a problem, and it may persist for a while. For the child, it might not even be a point of shame at this point unless that is thrust upon them by not meeting the expectation of the parent. Plastic matress covers, spare sheets, limiting liquid intake, pre-emptive wake-ups, and pull ups are all viable ways to tackle the issue.
Anyone remember Bruce Jenner and his bed wetting issues? The point is that this isn’t a problem, just a natural course of development and it will pass.
Parents telling their children how to manipulate the other parent only creates more stress for everyone and puts the child right in the middle of the dispute just ensures that they bear the brunt of every blow.
Saying that there is something wrong with the child by comparing them to other children that grew out of it at some other age is just wrong as well. There is no solid time line for any development process. Saying my son was walking at 8 months and saying 3 syllable words by 18 months so yours should be as well doesn’t work.
The only real expectation we should have for our children is that they have a happy childhood. My son was diagnosed with Asperger’s two years ago at age 10. We spent years before that struggling to meet school and societal expectations that, in hindsight, were impossible to meet.
Twitter @ http://singleness-of-heart.blogspot.com
First of all, I want to say how relieved I am that I’m not the only parent who experiences this (I guess the universal availability of Goodnights should have told me, but….) My daughter is 8 and developmentally delayed (she has Down syndrome). She completely potty trained during the day about a year ago (we still have to remind her sometimes, there are occasional pee accidents).
My ex and i usually get along pretty well and disagree surprisingly little on parenting issues, but this has been a sticking point. The kids live with me, and I am the one who handles the laundry (we live in an apartment without washer/dryer, so I pay a laundromat in the neighborhood to do launder of our stuff).
I was the one who wanted to continue using the sleep pants because she was wetting the bed every night. My ex disagreed, saying “she doesn’t wet the bed when she’s with me” etc. and even sort of ridiculed me. But I insisted, because she did wet it more nights than not.
He just took them on vacation for over a week, and did not bring any pullups. I thought perhaps she’d gotten through the night, so I asked my son (who’s 10) if his sister peed at night and he said she did, every night (I have yet to confirm this).
FYI, sleep pants are considered “incontinence products” for tax purposes, so you can deduct them as a health care expense or use your flexible spending account to pay for them.
amy´s last blog ..only one
Technically, I’m told by mediators that there is nothing the mother can do to force the father to change his habits. I am dealing with the same thing, but it’s my husband and I that have his daughter in big-girl panties and the mother is the lazy one. The mediator tells you that you can’t make rules for the other parent but that it is best that bother parents try to exchange rules and things that work to implement in the other house for stability, but nothing can be forced. I dealt with the same things from my ex, it comes to being lazy and it sucks I know.